Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
‘Member when the President didn’t need a weekend to tell Nazis to fuck off? Good times, those…
Well, the news has been dominated for days now by a white supremacist terrorist attack, and the President of the United States’ refusal to say “That is a bad thing, and Nazis are bad.”
(Re-reads the above several times to make absolutely sure it’s an accurate assessment. Weeps for hours. Returns to keyboard.)
Yes, the Coalition of Out-of-Shape White Shitty Idiots with Tiki Torches (Or C.O.W.S.H.IT.T.) rallied and rioted in Charlottesville, VA. White Supremacists boldly walked the streets of an American city in broad daylight in 2017, screeching their petty little hatreds at the top of their lungs, carrying Nazi flags, beating the shit out of counter-protesters. A bunch of folks got hurt. One woman was killed.
And in response, our 45th and shittiest President, bloated and surly, muttered through a statement which, incredibly, blamed violence on “all sides” for the acts of a decidedly-from-one-specific-side Hitler Fanboy. More than anything, he seemed irate his self-aggrandizing bill-signing ceremony had been disrupted by an American tragedy. “THIS WAS THE ONLY DAY I HAD ANYTHING BUT GOLF,” whinged the Living Garbage Pail Kid, “Why can’t my base murder people when it won’t me look bad?”
The fucker then proceeded to rush off without taking questions. Surely, Don the Con scampering out the door as reporters asked him to denounce white supremacist terrorism is the Most Presidential Thing Ever (Take that, Gettysburg Address, you Cuck Speech, You!).
White Supremacists rejoiced. “Didja hear that?” they giggled. “He meant Antifa, he’s one of us!”
And America despaired, that such a day had come, a day when terrorists were given comfort and succor by the highest elected official in the land, whose most sacred job is to protect our lives and our rights from those who would seek to end them.
And then America got righteously, defiantly, shit-kickingly pissed off.
And the Nazis, the Klansmen, the White Supremacists, all the little Bannonites, have been on the run ever since.
Jason Kessler, who organized the rally in the first place, tried to give a we-are-but-peace-loving-Hitler-wannabes press conference, but the crowd chased him off, excoriating him for the blood on his hands. Fucker looked like he wasn’t gonna stop stop running till he hit Timbuktu. (UPDATE: My sources tell me Kessler is indeed still running.)
“Baked Alaska,” a self-styled alt-right celebrity, who likes to play a big tuff man on Twitter, ate a faceful of mace and cried like a toddler who got his blankie stolen. Suddenly the guy who likes to talk shit about feeding people into ovens is all “can’t we get along?”
Nah, man. This is the United States of America. We don’t “do” Nazis.
The Daily Stormer (that’s THE Nazi website, where all of the tubbiest losers go to see and be seen, if you don’t feel like polluting your search history) decided to post a nasty little gloat piece about the woman who was killed, which got them chased off GoDaddy and Google. Hope the mimeograph machine in the back room still works, turdweasels.
And of course the internet reached out far and wide, and quickly began identifying the individual Nazi shitsacks, one at a time.
See, these fucks really thought their day had come. That they could march through OUR streets, heads held high, beating up anybody they felt like, without consequence.
They thought they didn’t need to wear hoods anymore.
They thought wrong.
So, All Ye Shitty Little White Kids, Ye Polo-Shirt-Tucked-Into-Khakis Weenies, Ye Utterly Subpar Jagoffs, enjoy getting revealed for all the world to see. Enjoy having that photograph of you screaming Nazi slogans at a terrorist rally as your resume for the rest of your sad, shitty, little lives.
Fuck, even the Tiki Torch company issued a statement that was all “Fuck these dickless whiners! Y’all should buy a rival company’s lawn torch, we are an AMERICAN pool-and-gazebo-lighting company, goddammit!”
This seems like a good place to mention that are MULTIPLE republican-sponsored bills across various state legislatures designed literally to decriminalize the running over of pedestrian protesters. Yes, that is a real thing. By 2020, I’m sure GOP candidates will advocate the criminalization of bunnies, cuz they’re really leaning into the Evil these days.
Darker still, Virginia Governor Terry McAuliffe, defending the police response as the rally turned violent, noted that the lunatic militiamen had the state police outgunned. What a horrifying thought, that an army of fascists can descend on an American community so heavily armed as to intimidate law enforcement. That must never be allowed to happen again.
Through it all, President Shartcannon resisted all calls to issue a stronger statement. Anonymous Shart House spokescowards insisted “Yuh huh he totally denounced white supremacy, y’all in the media were just having an unusually rowdy game of Pictionary and you didn’t see it,” but nobody was having any of that shit.
Mike Pence even interrupted his nightly ritual of masturbating furiously to pictures of elk bulls fighting to offer a feeble stab at “Why can’t the lying media give President Crotchvoid credit for saying something he objectively did not say?”
Anyhow, while bitching incessantly that the media wasn’t giving Il Douche his due for all he’d done* to unite the country over the weekend, his campaign dropped an almost-cartoonishly divisive ad, reminding his e’er-dwindling Rube Army that it isn’t the Nazis driving cars into crowds, but the media that reports on it that’s the REAL “enemy.” They sure made certain to get as many non-white journalists in there as possible, didn’t they?
And, as if desperate to prove his critics right, Tangerine Idi Amin, who, just to drive the point home, STILL WOULDN’T DENOUNCE A NAZI TERRORIST TWO WHOLE FUCKING DAYS AFTER THE FACT, broke the land-speed tweeting record to go after the CEO of Merck for resigning from his manufacturing council because of his, ahem, unwillingness to denounce white supremacist terrorism.
That the above-mentioned Merck CEO, Kenneth C. Frazier, happens to be black is, I’m sure, just the latest in a series of zany coincidences that do not at all add up to implicate SCROTUS in any form of racism, however mild.
(Later, Under Armour’s Kevin Plank resigned as well. Is he white? He oughtta be fine, then.)
Finally, FINALLY, after two solid days of relentless hounding, the Velveeta Urinal Cake petulantly dragged himself out to issue a new statement, excuse me, to boast a little while about the economy he inherited, before begrudgingly reading a few sentences off a teleprompter and waddling away to blow off steam by making Bannon eat a pubic-hair sandwich for his amusement. (Darth Wino’s in the doghouse these days, or so we all told. Let’s get his alt-right ass fired, huh?)
And now Boss Shart and all his fuckstick enablers expect us to treat him like ran the Underground Railroad single-handed. HE SAID HE DENOUNCED, WHY WON’T YOU MOVE ON? Yeah, fuck you.
Shartboy had initially called a full press conference for today, but of course he chickened out. And boy did he get pissy upon being called out on that. “Fake news!” he sullenly bellowed at CNN’s Jim Acosta, because there’s never an inappropriate time to air personal grievances, certainly not while the nation mourns a terrorist attack.
Oh, I need to take a quick moment here for a public service announcement. I want everyone to please keep a lookout for Dinesh D’Souza. If you’re not careful, he’ll sneak right up behind you and drop a copy of his silly new book on your head, on your lunch, on your cat…anything to make it seem like there’s an insatiable public Demand for Dinesh. Be careful out there, friends.
The Mayor of Lexington, Kentucky announced that they’ll be removing all of their confederate monuments, maybe because these statues seem to basically be turd magnets these days. Y’know, like fly-zappers, only attracting the shittiest white people in the world. Like, Night of the Living Dead, only with shambling fucksticks in MAGA hats.
Later in the day, protesters in Durham took matters into their own hands, and moved up the Traitor Monument Demolition Schedule to…right fuckin’ now. Good on ya!
Cheeto Broderick Crawford’s approving rating took another sturdy hammer-to-the-nuts today, hitting a new record low. The President is attempting to combat this crisis of popularity by finding internet polls that let you vote as many times as you want, and refreshing the screen over and over, but even this tactic has offered only limited success, because his pathetically wee fingers keep pressing the wrong buttons.
Oh, and I guess the feds caught yet ANOTHER Shitty White Guy trying to commit terrorism, this time in Oklahoma? Maybe we need a Shitty White Guy watch list. Deport them to someplace where they can roam free, a place where they can finally set their own standards for ethics in gaming journalism. Everybody wins.
Somehow in the midst of this, the Human Garbage Pail Kid is contemplating pardoning Joe Arpaio, who was recently convicted of violating a court order primarily on the basis of his many statements boasting about violating the court order.
See, Drumpfy’s not racist, he just wants to keep the Poster
Boy Fogey for Jackbooted Institutional White Supremacy from facing the consequences of his lawbreaking. And you’re a cad for suggesting otherwise!
What fresh fuckery is this, now? Ol’ Beuregard’s DoJ (DOOJ!) is trying to get ahold of visitor data from a website that organizes Resistance events? Oh HELL no. Nice to see Jefferson’s putting those resources he pulled off of monitoring the white nationalist movement to good use, ain’t it?
Shit, there was even a new Russia story today. Not an enormous deal, just a low-level campaign advisor pushing for meetings with Russians, as early as last March. Still, it’s just one more example of Team Shart lying about their Russian contacts. I bet no more examples of this ever turn up again. (Exaggerated wink)
Anyway, at least we can all enjoy a recreational spin through Twitter, looking at more “Crappy Little White Kid Gets His Punk Ass Fired For Being a Nazi” stories, as they’re rolling in rather steadily now.
I’m callin’ it early tonight, folks. I need a fucking drink. Somebody keep an eye on Guam for me.