‘Member when the President didn’t need a weekend to tell Nazis to fuck off? Good times, those…

Well, the news has been dominated for days now by a white supremacist terrorist attack, and the President of the United States’ refusal to say “That is a bad thing, and Nazis are bad.”

(Re-reads the above several times to make absolutely sure it’s an accurate assessment. Weeps for hours. Returns to keyboard.)

Yes, the Coalition of Out-of-Shape White Shitty Idiots with Tiki Torches (Or C.O.W.S.H.IT.T.) rallied and rioted in Charlottesville, VA. White Supremacists boldly walked the streets of an American city in broad daylight in 2017, screeching their petty little hatreds at the top of their lungs, carrying Nazi flags, beating the shit out of counter-protesters. A bunch of folks got hurt. One woman was killed.

And in response, our 45th and shittiest President, bloated and surly, muttered through a statement which, incredibly, blamed violence on “all sides” for the acts of a decidedly-from-one-specific-side Hitler Fanboy. More than anything, he seemed irate his self-aggrandizing bill-signing ceremony had been disrupted by an American tragedy. “THIS WAS THE ONLY DAY I HAD ANYTHING BUT GOLF,” whinged the Living Garbage Pail Kid, “Why can’t my base murder people when it won’t me look bad?”

The fucker then proceeded to rush off without taking questions. Surely, Don the Con scampering out the door as reporters asked him to denounce white supremacist terrorism is the Most Presidential Thing Ever (Take that, Gettysburg Address, you Cuck Speech, You!).

White Supremacists rejoiced. “Didja hear that?” they giggled. “He meant Antifa, he’s one of us!”

And America despaired, that such a day had come, a day when terrorists were given comfort and succor by the highest elected official in the land, whose most sacred job is to protect our lives and our rights from those who would seek to end them.

And then America got righteously, defiantly, shit-kickingly pissed off.

And the Nazis, the Klansmen, the White Supremacists, all the little Bannonites, have been on the run ever since.

Jason Kessler, who organized the rally in the first place, tried to give a we-are-but-peace-loving-Hitler-wannabes press conference, but the crowd chased him off, excoriating him for the blood on his hands. Fucker looked like he wasn’t gonna stop stop running till he hit Timbuktu. (UPDATE: My sources tell me Kessler is indeed still running.)

“Baked Alaska,” a self-styled alt-right celebrity, who likes to play a big tuff man on Twitter, ate a faceful of mace and cried like a toddler who got his blankie stolen. Suddenly the guy who likes to talk shit about feeding people into ovens is all “can’t we get along?”

Nah, man. This is the United States of America. We don’t “do” Nazis.

The Daily Stormer (that’s THE Nazi website, where all of the tubbiest losers go to see and be seen, if you don’t feel like polluting your search history) decided to post a nasty little gloat piece about the woman who was killed, which got them chased off GoDaddy and Google. Hope the mimeograph machine in the back room still works, turdweasels.

And of course the internet reached out far and wide, and quickly began identifying the individual Nazi shitsacks, one at a time.

See, these fucks really thought their day had come. That they could march through OUR streets, heads held high, beating up anybody they felt like, without consequence.

They thought they didn’t need to wear hoods anymore.

They thought wrong.

So, All Ye Shitty Little White Kids, Ye Polo-Shirt-Tucked-Into-Khakis Weenies, Ye Utterly Subpar Jagoffs, enjoy getting revealed for all the world to see. Enjoy having that photograph of you screaming Nazi slogans at a terrorist rally as your resume for the rest of your sad, shitty, little lives.

Fuck, even the Tiki Torch company issued a statement that was all “Fuck these dickless whiners! Y’all should buy a rival company’s lawn torch, we are an AMERICAN pool-and-gazebo-lighting company, goddammit!”

This seems like a good place to mention that are MULTIPLE republican-sponsored bills across various state legislatures designed literally to decriminalize the running over of pedestrian protesters. Yes, that is a real thing. By 2020, I’m sure GOP candidates will advocate the criminalization of bunnies, cuz they’re really leaning into the Evil these days.

Darker still, Virginia Governor Terry McAuliffe, defending the police response as the rally turned violent, noted that the lunatic militiamen had the state police outgunned. What a horrifying thought, that an army of fascists can descend on an American community so heavily armed as to intimidate law enforcement. That must never be allowed to happen again.

Through it all, President Shartcannon resisted all calls to issue a stronger statement. Anonymous Shart House spokescowards insisted “Yuh huh he totally denounced white supremacy, y’all in the media were just having an unusually rowdy game of Pictionary and you didn’t see it,” but nobody was having any of that shit.

Mike Pence even interrupted his nightly ritual of masturbating furiously to pictures of elk bulls fighting to offer a feeble stab at “Why can’t the lying media give President Crotchvoid credit for saying something he objectively did not say?”

Anyhow, while bitching incessantly that the media wasn’t giving Il Douche his due for all he’d done* to unite the country over the weekend, his campaign dropped an almost-cartoonishly divisive ad, reminding his e’er-dwindling Rube Army that it isn’t the Nazis driving cars into crowds, but the media that reports on it that’s the REAL “enemy.” They sure made certain to get as many non-white journalists in there as possible, didn’t they?

*golf

And, as if desperate to prove his critics right, Tangerine Idi Amin, who, just to drive the point home, STILL WOULDN’T DENOUNCE A NAZI TERRORIST TWO WHOLE FUCKING DAYS AFTER THE FACT, broke the land-speed tweeting record to go after the CEO of Merck for resigning from his manufacturing council because of his, ahem, unwillingness to denounce white supremacist terrorism.

That the above-mentioned Merck CEO, Kenneth C. Frazier, happens to be black is, I’m sure, just the latest in a series of zany coincidences that do not at all add up to implicate SCROTUS in any form of racism, however mild.

(Later, Under Armour’s Kevin Plank resigned as well. Is he white? He oughtta be fine, then.)

Finally, FINALLY, after two solid days of relentless hounding, the Velveeta Urinal Cake petulantly dragged himself out to issue a new statement, excuse me, to boast a little while about the economy he inherited, before begrudgingly reading a few sentences off a teleprompter and waddling away to blow off steam by making Bannon eat a pubic-hair sandwich for his amusement. (Darth Wino’s in the doghouse these days, or so we all told. Let’s get his alt-right ass fired, huh?)

And now Boss Shart and all his fuckstick enablers expect us to treat him like ran the Underground Railroad single-handed. HE SAID HE DENOUNCED, WHY WON’T YOU MOVE ON? Yeah, fuck you.

Shartboy had initially called a full press conference for today, but of course he chickened out. And boy did he get pissy upon being called out on that. “Fake news!” he sullenly bellowed at CNN’s Jim Acosta, because there’s never an inappropriate time to air personal grievances, certainly not while the nation mourns a terrorist attack.

Oh, I need to take a quick moment here for a public service announcement. I want everyone to please keep a lookout for Dinesh D’Souza. If you’re not careful, he’ll sneak right up behind you and drop a copy of his silly new book on your head, on your lunch, on your cat…anything to make it seem like there’s an insatiable public Demand for Dinesh. Be careful out there, friends.

The Mayor of Lexington, Kentucky announced that they’ll be removing all of their confederate monuments, maybe because these statues seem to basically be turd magnets these days. Y’know, like fly-zappers, only attracting the shittiest white people in the world. Like, Night of the Living Dead, only with shambling fucksticks in MAGA hats.

Later in the day, protesters in Durham took matters into their own hands, and moved up the Traitor Monument Demolition Schedule to…right fuckin’ now. Good on ya!

Cheeto Broderick Crawford’s approving rating took another sturdy hammer-to-the-nuts today, hitting a new record low. The President is attempting to combat this crisis of popularity by finding internet polls that let you vote as many times as you want, and refreshing the screen over and over, but even this tactic has offered only limited success, because his pathetically wee fingers keep pressing the wrong buttons.

Oh, and I guess the feds caught yet ANOTHER Shitty White Guy trying to commit terrorism, this time in Oklahoma? Maybe we need a Shitty White Guy watch list. Deport them to someplace where they can roam free, a place where they can finally set their own standards for ethics in gaming journalism. Everybody wins.

Somehow in the midst of this, the Human Garbage Pail Kid is contemplating pardoning Joe Arpaio, who was recently convicted of violating a court order primarily on the basis of his many statements boasting about violating the court order.

See, Drumpfy’s not racist, he just wants to keep the Poster Boy Fogey for Jackbooted Institutional White Supremacy from facing the consequences of his lawbreaking. And you’re a cad for suggesting otherwise!

What fresh fuckery is this, now? Ol’ Beuregard’s DoJ (DOOJ!) is trying to get ahold of visitor data from a website that organizes Resistance events? Oh HELL no. Nice to see Jefferson’s putting those resources he pulled off of monitoring the white nationalist movement to good use, ain’t it?

Shit, there was even a new Russia story today. Not an enormous deal, just a low-level campaign advisor pushing for meetings with Russians, as early as last March. Still, it’s just one more example of Team Shart lying about their Russian contacts. I bet no more examples of this ever turn up again. (Exaggerated wink)

Anyway, at least we can all enjoy a recreational spin through Twitter, looking at more “Crappy Little White Kid Gets His Punk Ass Fired For Being a Nazi” stories, as they’re rolling in rather steadily now.

I’m callin’ it early tonight, folks. I need a fucking drink. Somebody keep an eye on Guam for me.