Shitty White People Fuckin’ Shit Up From Venezuela to Charlottesville

None of this is really happening, right? Jake Tapper’s on a peyote bender, listening to Floyd, he finally got around to that Syd Barrett solo album, and he’s just freaking out and making crazy shit up now…

…right?

Let’s start with light shit.

The Mooch is Looch! Er, Loose! Fruitfly-Lifespan-Tenured Executive Branch Employee Anthony Scaramucci is making the rounds, playing the victim card like Tonya Harding on speed.

You see, he was duped by big bad reporter that…he called up…to threaten into revealing a source…and then had an on-the-record conversation with…where he shot his mouth off in a juvenile attempt to seem impressive. He labelled the reporter (Ryan Lizza, of the New Yorker, by the way) “the Linda Tripp of 2017.” I confess I don’t really know what he’s implying by that, I spent most of the Clinton administration trying to decipher R.E.M. lyrics.

And of course everybody got all mad at that one poll where half of Republicans said they’d happily wipe their asses with democracy if Il Douche asked them to, or something. Okay, it was a manipulative, leading, kinda bullshitty little poll that shouldn’t be taken at face value, but WE’VE GOT OUR EYES ON YOU, REPUBLICANS.

Hey, Jolly Jeffrey Lord finally got his propaganda-schilling ass canned over at CNN, and there was MUCH REJOICING! Jeff’s raging about the first amendment, but we gleefully informed him that James Madison cut the bit about “And no pompous ass shall lose his cushy pundit gig just cuz he tweets straight-up Nazi shit” at the last minute, because he lost a drinking contest with John Jay.

Anyway. So we’re still doing that thing with Russia, where they attack our democracy, so we impose sanctions, and then they fire a bunch of diplomatic staff, and then we thank them for the firings, and –

WAIT, WHAT?

Yep. The President of the United States actually fucking THANKED Vlad Putin for fuckin’ with the ol’ U.S. of A. Save a buck or two, right? Not as much as giving up golf for a couple of weeks, but what’re you gonna do?

Hey, I hear Paul Manafort shook up his legal team? I guess a pre-dawn, no-knock raid’ll wake a fucker up, get him to make some changes, huh? Sources tell me our man Paul’s finally gonna start doing push-ups again, maybe take another crack at that spy novel gathering dust in the bottom drawer.

…unless the FBI confiscated it, of course. BWHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAH!

If there’s a better example of the sloppy derangement of the right than that Breitbart editor’s meltdown over a Vogue cover shoot with Jennifer Lawrence posing in front of the Statue of Liberty, I can’t imagine what it is.

Breitbart Boy tantrumed about how it was an attack on conservatives to pose by Lady Liberty, because of the argument Tragically Overforeheaded Hatebeast Stephen Miller got into..several weeks after the shoot took place. I don’t get either, folks. Intelligence isn’t exactly a hallmark of this movement. Anyhow, the right wing has ceded the Statue of Liberty, which is…telling.

Crops are rotting in the fields in California, which happens EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME Republicans decide to score a few points with their base of subpar white dudes by cracking down on immigrants, but I guess we’re supposed to act surprised.

And I guaran-damn-tee you, when those subpar white dudes pay that extra few bucks at the grocery store, brought on by nothing more or less than their own short-sighted, self-wounding, rage, they’ll figure out some way to blame Obama.

Meanwhile, WaPo tells us the Swiss Family Robinshart is turning a merry little profit by overcharging the guests at their D.C. hotel. If someone could somehow communicate to the Rube Army that this sort of corrupt self-enrichment was the only fucking reason this clown ran for President in the first place, I’d be grateful.

Oh man. Sebastian Gorka must’ve stumbled onto some secret stash of Luftwaffe-issued amphetemines, because he’s on a goddamn rampage these days. He’s out on cable, bellowing “Pay no attention to ze Secretary uff Schtate, he is a veak man, who speaks only for ozer veak men. Listen to Seb. ONLY TO SEB!”

Isn’t it NEAT having a bloated Nazi in some sort of roving, ill-defined national security advisor role? (Spoilerz NO IT IS NOT NEAT.)

Speaking of lunatics making life-or-death decisions on the National Security Council, Foreign Policy got ahold of that memo that got Rich Higgins fired, and CHRIST ON TOAST it’s like a bat guano do-nut with bath salts for sprinkles.

All the conspiracy theorist’s favorite flavors are there. I guess the Ghost of Osama Bin Laden is meeting with George Soros and Rachel Maddow to undermine SHARTUS’ plan to Make America Great Again by golfing all the time.

I don’t fucking know, these people are nuts. Thank god we pried this loon away from the levers of government, but holy fucking shit what was he doing there in the first place? And Steve Bannon is mobilizing Pepe Twitter to attack H.R. McMaster for going, “Hey, maybe we should stop consulting the frothing-at-the-mouth guy on national security matters?”

Shit, it’s a goddamn miracle any of us got to wake up this morning.

But don’t worry, everyone! The Marmalade Shartcannon dispatched his comically inadequate son-in-law to the Middle East to make peace! Shit, I bet Jar-Jar’s got the whole dang thing figured out by the time you’re reading this! PEACE IN OUR TIME, BITCHES!

Oooooo…what’s this, now? Congressional investigators want to ask Donnie Darko’s long-serving personal secretary a few questions? Don’t worry, Shart-O…I’m sure she’s totally willing to go to jail for you. They all are. Flynn, Manafort, Reince…they’ll all fall on the grenade for you, the dude who unhesitatingly sells his partners out at the slightest sign of trouble. Hee fuckin’ hee.

And I guess a handful of the Feral Clowns in the Freedom Caucus want another Obamacare repeal vote? Oh honey…it’s like having to take a hammer away from a kid because he just won’t stop bashing himself in the temple with it. But congratulate yourselves, in attempting to repeal the ACA, you’ve made it more popular than it’s ever been before!

Say, have you ever noticed that you never hear the names of rank-and-file GOP Representatives until they do something jaw-droppingly awful? Well, meet Buddy Carter, from the Georgia First!

Buddy held himself a little townhall. He took some questions. He gave some answers. Answers like “I will happily support obtaining grant money to test the unforgivably deep backlog of untested rape kits…unless they are untested rape kits from SANCTUARY CITIES!”

Yup. If you get raped in a Sanctuary City, no justice for you! Remember ladies, ALWAYS CHECK THE IMMIGRATION POLICIES OF THE CITY YOU’RE GETTING RAPED IN.

And yeah, of course there’s the North Korea thing. Couple of Looney Tunes drawing lines in the sand, daring one another to step over them. Hopefully there are enough grownups in the room to prevent a tragedy of historic proportions, but if not, please remember me with less acne than I had in high school.

Anyhow, Tangerine Idi Amin was shootin’ the breeze with the fake gnus press and decided to drop the gem that he hadn’t ruled out military options…for Venezuela.

Yup. Just bobbin’ along, casually threatening to invade a place, because…I don’t know, because he’s heard of it? Nikki Haley was standing right next to him, she looked like she swallowed half her molars when he said it.

I hope I get sent to the Venezuelan front, not the North Korean front, y’know? Just for the weather.

I dunno. I think we have jumped the proverbial shark today. I mean, a Commander in Chief who doesn’t understand that there might be consequences to casually threatening multiple wars in the same day? It’s just not believable, y’know?

Just as I’m typing this, I see the news where the Misshapen Traffic Cone called up the governor of Guam…to congratulate him on the tourism boost he was about to get from being a potential target for nuclear annihilation.

Does…does…for all his other failings, which are LEGION…does he really fucking think that people vacation in spots they think are about to be atomically incinerated?

The man is not well. Forgive me for saying so, but…shit be cray.

…oh what’s this? A handful of useless, angry white dudes got some tiki torches and carved out a lil’ safe space in Charlottesville last night? Did you see these guys? It’’s like Richard Spencer stood atop the mountain and shouted “Send me the Shittiest White Guys in All the Land!” And they did flock to his banner, with their polo shirts tucked into their jorts, with belts. Millenial Klansman. It’s the douchebag singularity.

And there was a follow-up rally this morning, and it turned violent, and now there’s an official state of emergency. A Nazi rally turned violent, who’d have guessed?