Der Postmeister Postmaster General

Der Postmeister Postmaster General

Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.

Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool

Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool

Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.

Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates

Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates

There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.

Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist

Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist

To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.

The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us

The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us

Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.

Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot

Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot

When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.

NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

Secretary of State

Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

BILIOUS BILL

BILIOUS BILL

Attorney General

William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.

And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

PRINCESS IVANKA

PRINCESS IVANKA

Daddy’s Little Girl

Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

First Lady

So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

Shitty White People Fuckin’ Shit Up From Venezuela to Charlottesville

Saturday, August 12th, 2017

None of this is really happening, right? Jake Tapper’s on a peyote bender, listening to Floyd, he finally got around to that Syd Barrett solo album, and he’s just freaking out and making crazy shit up now…

…right?

Let’s start with light shit.

The Mooch is Looch! Er, Loose! Fruitfly-Lifespan-Tenured Executive Branch Employee Anthony Scaramucci is making the rounds, playing the victim card like Tonya Harding on speed.

You see, he was duped by big bad reporter that…he called up…to threaten into revealing a source…and then had an on-the-record conversation with…where he shot his mouth off in a juvenile attempt to seem impressive. He labelled the reporter (Ryan Lizza, of the New Yorker, by the way) “the Linda Tripp of 2017.” I confess I don’t really know what he’s implying by that, I spent most of the Clinton administration trying to decipher R.E.M. lyrics.

And of course everybody got all mad at that one poll where half of Republicans said they’d happily wipe their asses with democracy if Il Douche asked them to, or something. Okay, it was a manipulative, leading, kinda bullshitty little poll that shouldn’t be taken at face value, but WE’VE GOT OUR EYES ON YOU, REPUBLICANS.

Hey, Jolly Jeffrey Lord finally got his propaganda-schilling ass canned over at CNN, and there was MUCH REJOICING! Jeff’s raging about the first amendment, but we gleefully informed him that James Madison cut the bit about “And no pompous ass shall lose his cushy pundit gig just cuz he tweets straight-up Nazi shit” at the last minute, because he lost a drinking contest with John Jay.

Anyway. So we’re still doing that thing with Russia, where they attack our democracy, so we impose sanctions, and then they fire a bunch of diplomatic staff, and then we thank them for the firings, and –

WAIT, WHAT?

Yep. The President of the United States actually fucking THANKED Vlad Putin for fuckin’ with the ol’ U.S. of A. Save a buck or two, right? Not as much as giving up golf for a couple of weeks, but what’re you gonna do?

Hey, I hear Paul Manafort shook up his legal team? I guess a pre-dawn, no-knock raid’ll wake a fucker up, get him to make some changes, huh? Sources tell me our man Paul’s finally gonna start doing push-ups again, maybe take another crack at that spy novel gathering dust in the bottom drawer.

…unless the FBI confiscated it, of course. BWHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAH!

If there’s a better example of the sloppy derangement of the right than that Breitbart editor’s meltdown over a Vogue cover shoot with Jennifer Lawrence posing in front of the Statue of Liberty, I can’t imagine what it is.

Breitbart Boy tantrumed about how it was an attack on conservatives to pose by Lady Liberty, because of the argument Tragically Overforeheaded Hatebeast Stephen Miller got into..several weeks after the shoot took place. I don’t get either, folks. Intelligence isn’t exactly a hallmark of this movement. Anyhow, the right wing has ceded the Statue of Liberty, which is…telling.

Crops are rotting in the fields in California, which happens EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME Republicans decide to score a few points with their base of subpar white dudes by cracking down on immigrants, but I guess we’re supposed to act surprised.

And I guaran-damn-tee you, when those subpar white dudes pay that extra few bucks at the grocery store, brought on by nothing more or less than their own short-sighted, self-wounding, rage, they’ll figure out some way to blame Obama.

Meanwhile, WaPo tells us the Swiss Family Robinshart is turning a merry little profit by overcharging the guests at their D.C. hotel. If someone could somehow communicate to the Rube Army that this sort of corrupt self-enrichment was the only fucking reason this clown ran for President in the first place, I’d be grateful.

Oh man. Sebastian Gorka must’ve stumbled onto some secret stash of Luftwaffe-issued amphetemines, because he’s on a goddamn rampage these days. He’s out on cable, bellowing “Pay no attention to ze Secretary uff Schtate, he is a veak man, who speaks only for ozer veak men. Listen to Seb. ONLY TO SEB!”

Isn’t it NEAT having a bloated Nazi in some sort of roving, ill-defined national security advisor role? (Spoilerz NO IT IS NOT NEAT.)

Speaking of lunatics making life-or-death decisions on the National Security Council, Foreign Policy got ahold of that memo that got Rich Higgins fired, and CHRIST ON TOAST it’s like a bat guano do-nut with bath salts for sprinkles.

All the conspiracy theorist’s favorite flavors are there. I guess the Ghost of Osama Bin Laden is meeting with George Soros and Rachel Maddow to undermine SHARTUS’ plan to Make America Great Again by golfing all the time.

I don’t fucking know, these people are nuts. Thank god we pried this loon away from the levers of government, but holy fucking shit what was he doing there in the first place? And Steve Bannon is mobilizing Pepe Twitter to attack H.R. McMaster for going, “Hey, maybe we should stop consulting the frothing-at-the-mouth guy on national security matters?”

Shit, it’s a goddamn miracle any of us got to wake up this morning.

But don’t worry, everyone! The Marmalade Shartcannon dispatched his comically inadequate son-in-law to the Middle East to make peace! Shit, I bet Jar-Jar’s got the whole dang thing figured out by the time you’re reading this! PEACE IN OUR TIME, BITCHES!

Oooooo…what’s this, now? Congressional investigators want to ask Donnie Darko’s long-serving personal secretary a few questions? Don’t worry, Shart-O…I’m sure she’s totally willing to go to jail for you. They all are. Flynn, Manafort, Reince…they’ll all fall on the grenade for you, the dude who unhesitatingly sells his partners out at the slightest sign of trouble. Hee fuckin’ hee.

And I guess a handful of the Feral Clowns in the Freedom Caucus want another Obamacare repeal vote? Oh honey…it’s like having to take a hammer away from a kid because he just won’t stop bashing himself in the temple with it. But congratulate yourselves, in attempting to repeal the ACA, you’ve made it more popular than it’s ever been before!

Say, have you ever noticed that you never hear the names of rank-and-file GOP Representatives until they do something jaw-droppingly awful? Well, meet Buddy Carter, from the Georgia First!

Buddy held himself a little townhall. He took some questions. He gave some answers. Answers like “I will happily support obtaining grant money to test the unforgivably deep backlog of untested rape kits…unless they are untested rape kits from SANCTUARY CITIES!

Yup. If you get raped in a Sanctuary City, no justice for you! Remember ladies, ALWAYS CHECK THE IMMIGRATION POLICIES OF THE CITY YOU’RE GETTING RAPED IN.

And yeah, of course there’s the North Korea thing. Couple of Looney Tunes drawing lines in the sand, daring one another to step over them. Hopefully there are enough grownups in the room to prevent a tragedy of historic proportions, but if not, please remember me with less acne than I had in high school.

Anyhow, Tangerine Idi Amin was shootin’ the breeze with the fake gnus press and decided to drop the gem that he hadn’t ruled out military options…for Venezuela.

Yup. Just bobbin’ along, casually threatening to invade a place, because…I don’t know, because he’s heard of it? Nikki Haley was standing right next to him, she looked like she swallowed half her molars when he said it.

I hope I get sent to the Venezuelan front, not the North Korean front, y’know? Just for the weather.

I dunno. I think we have jumped the proverbial shark today. I mean, a Commander in Chief who doesn’t understand that there might be consequences to casually threatening multiple wars in the same day? It’s just not believable, y’know?

Just as I’m typing this, I see the news where the Misshapen Traffic Cone called up the governor of Guam…to congratulate him on the tourism boost he was about to get from being a potential target for nuclear annihilation.

Does…does…for all his other failings, which are LEGION…does he really fucking think that people vacation in spots they think are about to be atomically incinerated?

The man is not well. Forgive me for saying so, but…shit be cray.

…oh what’s this? A handful of useless, angry white dudes got some tiki torches and carved out a lil’ safe space in Charlottesville last night? Did you see these guys? It’’s like Richard Spencer stood atop the mountain and shouted “Send me the Shittiest White Guys in All the Land!” And they did flock to his banner, with their polo shirts tucked into their jorts, with belts. Millenial Klansman. It’s the douchebag singularity.

And there was a follow-up rally this morning, and it turned violent, and now there’s an official state of emergency. A Nazi rally turned violent, who’d have guessed?

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