Ironically, back in 2019, the Pentagon worked up a pretty solid contingency plan for the eventuality in which the vengeful ghost of Lindsey Graham turns the president gay for betraying Ukraine, but Hegseth fired the entire team when Laura Loomer accused the four-star in charge of patronizing a lady dentist.

Well, an undercurrent of clammy, clumsy homoeroticism might be just what a floundering authoritarian movement needs. I bet the signing ceremony for the EO renaming the Atlantic Ocean after Jon Husted’s ass pulls huge ratings.

I do hope the BBC’s lawyers have lots of questions about men’s butts, because otherwise they’re in for a frustrating deposition.

One can’t help but worry about the national security implications. Putin plays him like a fiddle while in possession of a frankly substandard ass. On the other hand, the once-successful piss hooker program now requires a total overhaul.

At least the old man’s been too busy waving at nothing to start any new wars. He’s getting harder to understand as he deteriorates into nonverbal grunting, but he seems to want us to pretend he’s on the ballot.

Heh.

Judging from the early voting numbers, the electorate is only too happy to oblige, Mr. Trump, sir. As a Democrat, of course trusting favorable polling is forbidden by my religion, but every dollar Republicans spend defending a Senate seat in Mississippi is one they don’t have for whatever Lindellian legal fuckery they’re cooking up in Alaska.

Yeah, sure looks grim down there, in the shadow of this massive, cresting blue wave. What’s that you say? Your scheme to have DHS meddle in the midterms got slapped down in court, while your historically unpopular inflation-causer-in-chief dragged your party to a deep, dark place beyond your wildest gerrymander?

I love that for you.

Even the MAGA merch markets have fallen upon hard times. Why, some disgruntled personality cultists have begun quietly clamoring for a new ethically petrifying shitsack to worship.

Enter Vivek Ramaswamy like John the Baptist, heralding the coming of America’s next great moral horror: Amy Acton’s mom.

OCTOBER SURPRISE they bleated, with verve unseen since Eric “Encyclopedia” Schmitt very nearly solved the case of Jack Smith and the Basketball Tickets.

AMY ACTON’S OWN MOM HATES HER, SUCK IT LIBTARRRRRRDS, and they’re jubilant because this is somehow the closest they’ve come to making a case for Ramaswamy’s campaign.

And it’s so attention-grabbing that you assume somebody somewhere asked “why” before going to all the trouble to make and release this fucking ad, but since due diligence is for sissies, Vivek is now the proud recipient of the endorsement of a woman who abandoned her children for a life on the run with her daughter’s rapist.

Much good may it do him.

Shit, the whole thing’s falling apart like…like…well, like Dwight D. Eisenhower’s globe after Hegseth’s goons got ahold of it. I think we should amend the Constitution to say that you’re not allowed to start a war without first proving yourself capable of transferring a piece of furniture from one room to another without breaking it.

A Black conservative influencer named Thelma Louise had somehow failed to notice the single most obvious truth about MAGA before she was evicted from a Ken Paxton rally, which must have felt like being the main character in an Aesop fable.

Self-professed small-dick-haver Joe Mitchell says Donald Trump is the “Man of the Century,” so he can sit with Amy Acton’s mom at the next State of the Union, which is tentatively scheduled to be mostly about butts.   

Meanwhile, the Republican candidate for Iowa Lt. Governor is being sued for $275,000 in unpaid rent…by his parents.

Running against incumbent kakistocracy is not without advantages, but don’t forget the prize is a mop and a bucket and fifty thousand shit-spattered walls to clean. The plan seems t’be “commit too many crimes to possibly investigate and may the slipperiest fish win,” and look, they’re even bundling up poor Corey Lewandowski as a sacrificial offering.

Do you focus on the petty war profiteering of your Anna Paulina Lunas (Annas Paulina Luna?), or do you take on the Musks and Kushners who imagine they’ve purchased a permanent stake in the American experiment?

Personally, I think a world where a billionaire dork who pays people to play video games for him doesn’t get a say in how wars go is a world worth fighting for.

Greg Bovino’s new whiskey brand promises five times the whiskey dick per fluid ounce because every ivermectin-soaked barrel ages in Bovino’s immediate proximity while he sits in his basement in his underpants, obsessively searching his own name on social media.

They’re claiming Melania brokered a ceasefire for this one specific town in Ukraine, which gives the Nobel people a frankly spectacular opportunity. I’m picturing a California Suite-esque bedroom scene in an Oslo hotel…all pouty, passive-aggressive petulance.

A MAGA youth group reportedly plans to create “10,000 Stephen Millers,” but I don’t see how it’s possible to guarantee the supply of rectal tumors necessary to feed a population that large.

Obviously, the image of 10,000 Stephen Millers must be obliterated from my beleaguered brain, so I humbly beg your assistance in purchasing the requisite amount of alcohol. The beer fund accepts PayPal, Venmo, and Cash App, as you are no doubt aware. I can be found @john_luzar.

The new comic book Kickstarter is just around the corner, so purty please sign up on the prelaunch page for GENERAL WASHINGTON AND THE LIBERTY TREE #2! Still a few backers from the last campaign who haven’t answered their surveys, incidentally!