- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
The Press Secretary, or the Tiger?
Between the inflation and the wars and the rapes and what have you, I’ve been pretty hard on ol’ Donald Trump over the years, but that was before I heard Denzel Washington describe him as “a great friend and an even better president.” Plus, I was impressed at the way he tamed that man-eating tiger. If Iran is using tigers to control the Strait of Hormuz, they’re totally fucked. I bet they’re using guns and stuff, though.
Look, the so-called Constitution served well enough for our first 250 years, but we’re on another level now. When a tiger-taming alpha male wants to build a golf course, he doesn’t go crawling to some sissy court to beg permission to cut down some pansy-ass trees. And if Judge Ana C. Reyes doesn’t like it, she’s welcome to tame her own tiger and we can have trial by combat.
Being Republican rules! I’m giving out my credit card number left and right, so I’ll attain Great MAGA King status in no time! They’re gonna seat me right next to Kid Rock at the execution; just you wait!
…what’s that you say? Whaddya mean the livestream is off? What am I supposed to do with the firing-squad-shaped cake I ordered? Gee willikers, sometimes it feels like we go weeks at a time without beating the shit out of a woman at a political rally! Is this even a death cult anymore?
Shoot, my favorite horse paste flavor got recalled, too. That’s it, I’m out. Hopefully these NFTs held their value. I reserve the right to hop back aboard the crazy train should the Hail Mary effort to transform the midterms into a referendum on Jon Husted’s ass succeed.
Given the inflation and the corruption…it’d have to be some ass. Maybe they’re planting post-hypnotic suggestions in these mesmerizing AI videos of Marsha Blackburn line-dancing with Kane. Gotta spend those Musk millions on something as you retreat from districts you gerrymandered mere weeks ago.
Yes, Elon has decided to meddle in the midterms after all, seemingly concocting a plot worthy of the Shasta Bond villain that pops up in the mirror whenever the ketamine wears off. “We throttle Starlink, see? That’ll teach that uppity Zelensky to criticize you for financing the invasion of his country!”
The Dotard agreed this was a fine plan indeed, so that’s what they did, and a bunch of Ukrainian civilians had the honor of paying for that decision with their lives.
And as much as I appreciate the spectacle of 21st-century America’s two scummiest scumbags desperately trying to pin the blame for this atrocity on one another, we should probably slow down before we wind up joining any Axes of Evil, right? I worry that on the day they finally make him take that tarp down at the Kennedy Center, Putin faxes over some Molotov-Ribbentrop 2.0 conspicuously granting him the divine right to invade Greenland…
…I mean, conquering Europe can’t be much harder than hiring a press secretary, right? Weird that the administration didn’t think to screen their potential spokesperson for basic literacy, but I’m sure their hiring practices are generally sound. Outside of the odd sex-trafficking Attorney General pick, of course.
Still, Katie Zacharia feels like a warning shot. Like, go ahead and impeach Petey Push-ups; thanks to kakistocracy’s perverse geometry, we will find someone worse if we have to scrounge through every meth den and puppy mill in this great nation.
The next ambassador to Greece sure has some big shoes to fill. An ordinary political movement would struggle to out-grotesque Kimberly Guilfoyle’s sloppily sordid crime spree, but I’m confident the GOP’s rising crop of opioid prescription falsifiers, vaccine card forgers, and convicted stranglers has what it takes to lead America into that next great ditch. And the next and the next and the next.
Can you imagine the Rube Goldberg legal slapstick behind this clumsy stab at deporting Ilhan Omar? It seems unlikely to make it to any sort of trial, which is a shame, because that strikes me as a situation Todd Blanche couldn’t escape without taking at least one pie to the face.
Then there’s the crack squad of damaged Jacob Wohl clones who hoped to derail James Talarico’s campaign with the shocking revelation that he’d been committed to an Ohio asylum for experimental de-freakening treatments. There turned out to be loads of evidence proving none of that happened, which would be more of a setback in a media culture that didn’t spin the ravings of a self-identified “cactus artist” into the whole dang Big Lie.
The simple truth is that Talarico needed a couple of days to grieve his lack of invitations to cool-ass New Year’s parties in Dubai with fugitives charged with federal fraud. Alas, you have to be a high-ranking law enforcement official like Ken Paxton to get on those lists.
Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent was seen sporting a sling this week, apparently the recipient of an unsustainable quantity of “high fives” following the epic troll letter he sent to Elizabeth Warren and also posted all over the internet. There was an Indigenous Peoples’ Day gag and everything. “Yes, Senator Warren certainly is misinformed about economic issues!” agreed the men who brought us six-dollar diesel, before spending the rest of their week begging billionaires to bail out red state Senate campaigns.
“I already gave. To the ballroom fund. And the meme coin. You’d only spend it on ads for Susan Collins in Oregon anyway.”
Say, if anybody’s tired of throwing good money after bad, why not contribute to my latest comic book Kickstarter instead? GENERAL WASHINGTON AND THE LIBERTY TREE asks if it’s even possible to defend truth, justice, and the American way in an America gone mad!
We’ll be launching soon, so SIGN UP ON THAT PRELAUNCH PAGE! Until then, feel free to toss a buck or two (via PayPal, Venmo, or even Cash App!) into the ol’ beer fund, and follow @john_luzar! Stay safe out there, friend-o! I don’t think you’ll want to miss these midterms…
No Kings tomorrow…get out the vote!
ALWAYS a laugh, despite (or possibly because of) the growing craziness.
🍻
The world surpassed The Onion a while ago, and now is overtaking the best of this blog. Nothing can capture the absurdity adequately.