What’re you gonna buy with your 5,000 Trump Buxx? I figure I’ll have to spend mine on buckets to contain my liberal tears. Curse his flawless political instincts! Checkmated again! Well, I suppose that’s what makes us libtards.

Temporarily unburned heretics within the lamestream media claim we can’t afford this $1.3 trillion bribe, but all we have to do is use the money we never sent out for those $5,000 “DOGE Dividends.” Lemon squeezy. Shit, when you factor in the $2,000 tariff rebate that also didn’t happen, we’re way ahead.

Don’t worry, we’ll find the money on the tariff shelf. The trillions in foreign investment that have never existed outside his decomposing mind. Toll revenue from the Strait of Trump. Perhaps he’ll let us in on one of the family crypto scams, though I can’t imagine we’ll be taxing any of our kleptocrat overlords’ newfound billions.

One way or another, I think you’re gonna need a bigger bribe, kid. Five grand doesn’t buy what it used to. Might get me to and from the grocery store once or twice, provided I’m willing to settle for the Argentine mystery meat. Full disclosure: I’m budgeting for at least one medical emergency, like licking a popsicle with glass in it, because that’s just what life’s like in America now.

He was so proud of himself. Just like that time he cured Covid. “Solved the midterms, you’re welcome. Say, somebody should probably work up an agenda to wield all the power we’ll have. Anyway, get Natalie; I’m full again.”

The party unveiled this master stroke at something called a “Midterm Convention,” one of a series of pre-balls designed to keep President Princess satiated before he is officially proclaimed Fairest of Them All for Life and descends into his ballroom bunker for a Saddam Hussein-like last stand.

He needed extra satiating this week because they wouldn’t let him defile the 9/11 anniversary ceremony with self-aggrandizing lies about his conduct at the time. I think that’s a shame, because I bet most of the survivors and families and first responders don’t know about the “b” in dumb, and they would profit from hearing about it.

Many have raised doubts about the veracity of the Dotard’s story about being hauled away from Ground Zero by firefighters, but it totally makes sense that he’d get caught looting.

Anyway, yeah, Midterm Convention. I didn’t watch because I don’t hate myself, but at a glance, it looked mostly like the idolatrous binding of a handful of dead-enders to a political anchor, punctuated by moments designed, for whatever reason, to raise awareness of Ken Paxton’s physical unattractiveness.

“Pretend I’m on the ballot.”

Heh. Only too happy to, sir.

The vulnerable Republican candidates desperately scraping your name off their campaign sites might not appreciate being yoked to the fellow who made diesel fuel cost six bucks a gallon for the first time ever, but well, fuck them.

Polling’s getting pretty sexxy, innit?

Why, Kansas has turned such a tantalizing shade of purple that somebody finally decided to do a little opposition research on “Doctor” Roger Marshall. Turns out that prior to his current gig as a power-mad half-wit’s rubber stamp, Roger was something of a Dickens villain, sending 81 of his filthy taker patients to debtor’s prison.

May I interest you in the campaign of his opponent, Adam Hamilton, who is significantly less likely to be visited by three ghosts at Xmastime?

Plus the Missouri gerrymander officially imploded, though I did enjoy that day or so when everybody got all feisty and secessionist. It was both rootin’ and tootin’, you guys. Everyone was really impressed.

Enemies of the state James Talarico and Jimmy Kimmel won’t be pooling their free speech rights any time soon, not on Brendan Carr’s watch. Blocked from airing their interview on television, this Axis of Disloyal Jims settled for YouTube, where they attracted significantly more viewers than a certain super-showman’s latest celebration of self.

Iran-backed Houthi rebels seized key Red Sea ports and islands in Yemen, catching the Secretary of Warfighting and Push-Ups completely fucking flat-footed just like the last time a hostile enemy force seized control of a critical Middle Eastern shipping route. On the bright side, there can’t be many of those left.

Pete has far too many polygraph tests to administer to pay attention to the war he’s losing. See, everybody at the Pentagon keeps leaking to the press about all the things he’s fucked up. Which is…a lot of things. I probably wouldn’t want people to know about the ammunition shortage I caused or the sailors I forgot to feed or the schoolchildren I blew up or the bit about needing my wife around to stay sober or the bases we may permanently lose either. The leaks may not be the issue here.

Big week for menacing lunging, from the gubernatorial campaign trail in Ohio to the exotic airport tarmacs of Dallas, TX. Could this be the next big craze sweeping a death cult in decline, or are they okay sticking with measles?

Speaking of MAGA trends, have you noticed how they can’t seem to stop hiring white supremacists? Sure, Nate Hochman got kicked off Ron DeSantis’ doomed ship for posting Nazi imagery, but look at him now: Marco Rubio’s chief speechwriter!

And then there is the case of young Stephen Woytek, campaign staffer to Ohio Senator Jon Husted, who not only “once used a photo of Nazi soldiers as his Facebook profile photo” but also “recently added to a playlist of songs celebrating Rhodesia, a defunct White-minority-ruled nation often venerated by white supremacists.”

Stephen is also a Panzer LARPer, who ”follows several suppliers of SS military uniforms on Facebook,” whereas your run-of-the-mill American follows zero, having little interest in being supplied with SS military uniforms. But I suppose one has to wear something while rocking out to songs about Racist Brigadoon.

Natalie Harp received a $45,000 cash bonus for printing out screencaps of tweets so worshipfully, which seems like a lot until you realize the very last thing a deteriorating strongman wants is to under-tip the diaper steward.

Joseph diGenova resigned from his post as Jack Smith But Dumb, alleging ethical breaches by a Department of Justice that was still trying to persecute Olympian David Hearn for a contractor’s mistakes last time I checked.

I always find it amusing when one of these bottom-feeders discovers their limit. Remember Betsy DeVos resigning two days after the Capitol Riot? Still makes me chuckle. How brave. You’ll all slither back like Michael Cohen if the money’s right.

If you want to hear something adorable, apparently Corey Lewandowski thought he was smart enough to pull off high-stakes international political corruption. The Wall Street Journal reports he attempted to cut side deals with Qatar and the UAE, who were mostly just confused as to why the Homeland Security Secretary’s sex pet was speaking.   

Congratulations to this month’s recipient of the Jesse Watters Manhood Prize for Manly Achievements in the Masculine Arts: Markwayne Mullin, who ordered a costly redesign of the DHS seal so that the eagle on the seal faces the (badass) talon clutching some arrows, rather than the (cuck) talon holding the (sissy) palm leaf.

The prize itself is a milkshake with a straw, to be displayed undrunk on the winner’s desk as a symbol of his steely resistance to the sinful mouth suction acts consumption would ask of him.

Markwayne narrowly edged out Vivek Ramaswamy, whose steamy batting cage photo shoot redefined erotica for our dystopian post-shame shithole society.

Y’know what? Watching such a prominent MAGA figure retreat in humiliation puts me in a mood to rout their fucking forces.

Makes you wanna VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS, doesn’t it? You don’t have enough ICE agents to keep us away from the polls, dorks.

There’s still a lingering flash of that Vivek footage in my memory, but I’m confident my old friend alcohol can be of service there. If these ravings drew a smirk, feel free to buy your humble blogger a beer via Cash App, PayPal, or Venmo, sign up on the email list, and/or follow @john_luzar.

And stay safe out there, okay?