- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
The B in Dumb Has Been Officially Reassigned to Make the B in Ballroom Bigger
It’s said a fish rots from the head. I have no idea if that’s actually true; I only know I’m trapped in a country that’s giving the theory a rigorous round of testing. And this particular head really wasn’t much of a head to begin with, y’know?
I think the low baseline has helped mask the deterioration. You never imagined you’d have to differentiate the stages of a below-average game show host’s mental decline, but now that you mention it, I suppose bragging about discovering the “b” in “dumb” represents a substantial step down from the endless preening about “acing” cognitive screenings…
…or does it? He was already the dumbest motherfucker alive. What, philosophically speaking, constitutes “worse”? It would almost be fun to contemplate, were he employed in a field more suited to his talents. Something like…well, propping a door open. Maybe. Assuming he’s properly supervised.
Don’t get me wrong, I prefer this feebly redecorating phase to last year’s Project 2025 Blitzkrieg, but history has shown this specific wannabe autocrat will entertain some positively zany proposals when faced with an electoral spanking like the one he’s got coming.
I guess I just worry about what guardrails might be left if Natalie accidentally prints out the real polls while he’s immersed in one of his AI slop fantasies about raining death down upon Iran, and he turns to Hegseth and says, “Do that, but to Atlanta,” ten minutes after Pete finally finishes rerouting the chain of command around the last sane voice in the Pentagon.
The president ordered us to unleash the ducks!
The ducks?
From the video. Of the geese with machine guns. They’re marching, and they all have his hair, and we’re supposed to unleash them on urban d—
I thought they were ducks.
They’re geese. Though I suppose they’re ducks now, aren’t they?
…and it’s geriatric wingnut “military influencers” and creeps who got kicked out of TPUSA for kiddie porn making these these calls, because everyone else is fired.
So no, I don’t think ICE needs a national voter database. I think you should have to go at least five years without murdering a nurse before you’re allowed to even ask about a national voter database.
Another suggestion I plan to offer if I ever get this time machine up and running is a law that explicitly prohibits the president from weaponizing the U.S. Postal Service to meddle in an election within one (1) calendar year of being ordered by the Supreme Court to pay a multi-million-dollar settlement for sexual abuse and defamation. That’d be a nice little Bill & Ted adventure, right?
Meet the Press moderator Kristen Welker has been reported to the FCC for “rebuke or punishment” for impugning the virility of Dear Leader’s mighty endorsement, in the strongest sign of strength yet from our strong, strong, strongman. I hope all those candidates he endorsed that lost enjoy their thrilling new lives in Siberia, by the way.
So apparently Fox Nooz fired Maria Bartiromo after she stooged the company out to the White House when management issued guidance directing employees to kindly refrain from pushing the $787 Million Dollar Settlement button.
MAGA mythology is nothing if not rich in tales of dirtbag Icaruses, but since no one in the movement is capable of learning, we get to watch it happen over and over.
Elite Trump University businessologists reverse-engineered the bleeding-edge innovations behind those Dotard-affiliated “Freedom Fuel” stations that’ve been selling gas at below-market prices, and it turns out the secret is stealing. See, they take a bunch of gas from a supplier, and instead of paying for it, they just…don’t.
On the bright side, the issue of energy has been permanently solved thanks to an artful, if somewhat less than legal, deal with the unelected puppet government of Venezuela, wherein Venezuelan mineral wealth will profit the United States instead of Venezuela. The Venezuelan public will surely tolerate this arrangement forever and indeed compose poems and songs in its praise.
One less thing to worry about, which is nice in a world where half your grocery cart gets recalled before you make it through the checkout line. Even the pet food is unsafe now, but at least we’re finally free of those uppity food inspectors, always mouthin’ off about what is and isn’t poison.
The Iran warscursion is still technically happening, I suppose, but that’s “small potatoes,” particularly to the families of the 18 service members who’ve been killed. The regime will submit to the president’s relentless meme campaign any day now, so tell that one widow lady to knock it off with the complaining, wouldja?
The real action is the BALLROOM, bay-bee! That dreary ol’ Army Secretary kept droning on about boring shit like ammunition shortages and sailors driven to suicidal madness by tortuously long deployments when we could’ve been discussing the chariot I’m taking to the ball, which will be made from an enchanted pumpkin, and then at midnight we lock the doors so everyone has to serve me eternally in the afterlife.
And while it is not technically legal to begin construction on the Arch, Dug Bugman doesn’t want to end up on the scrap heap with Kristi Noem and Tulsi Gabbard, so he’ll dig that foundation with his fucking incisors if he has to. With a smile on his face. Wearing shoes that don’t fit.
Rough week for Missouri Republicans, who don’t get to gerrymander their congressional map on behalf of a rapist after all. Not only that, but state House candidate Thomas Christopher Ross got arrested for scheming to plant cocaine on his primary opponent, with what turned out to be the last of the good coke, so that’s a real drag.
Can’t figure out why the Dutch don’t want us looking after their gold anymore. They’re probably worried we’ll get so much American Greatness™️ on it that it will increase in value until it destabilizes their sissy Euro-cuck economy.
Hey, if you ever wished for a racist version of Tetris…congratulations, I guess. I bet a bunch of mega-cool dudes are playing Racist Tetris at Greg Bovino’s place right now. If you brought pizza rolls, I bet they’d let you come over.
What I desperately need is to drink until I forget that Racist Tetris is a thing that exists because my government used my taxes to create it, so all donations to my beer fund, via Cash App, PayPal, or even Venmo, will be profoundly appreciated. As always, I encourage you to sign up on my email list, follow my Xwitter account, and stay safe out there if you’re able…
Another good one, John.
I’m drinking heavily tonight, my friend. Everything has, shall we say, “gone awry” in this world, including my ability to actually deal with it. If you are anywhere near Vancouver Island, I would gladly buy you several beers and a few tequilas on top (the good stuff). Stay strong, SC.
It almost seems we’ve hit a pathetic bottom but then I remember the bottomless pit that the felon, this administration, and the feckless GOP invertebrates in Congress have proven themselves to be. GOTV people and do it early!
“…at least we’re finally free of those uppity food inspectors, always mouthin’ off about what is and isn’t poison.” Indeed. I can’t tell the features from the bugs anymore.
Each weekend the secret sauce is that your posts are both so good and so true that l manage to chuckle despite the actual horror. Keep it up, Cap. Beer helps.
I just learned today (Sep 7) that Clorox has been recalled due to infection.
Only a creatively stupid administration could figure out how to put infection into disinfectant.
Well, thank goodness (or someone) that it doesn’t apply to actual bleach (see if there’s any spare rides going up to Mars in that case; make sure they don’t bring the affected products along…), just to “multi-purpose cleansers.” I.e., soap water that smells pretty, and was apparently only manufactured (or sold?) in/by Puerto Rico and U.S. Virgin Island facilities…’cause, y’know, who should care about what happens to ACTUAL U.S. CITIZENS?? Not these Feds! 😀
I’m sure the folks remaining on the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission were fired for daring to raise a fuss about it… X-P
The Dutch paragraph made me lol… keep the razor-sharp wit coming, Cap! We love you ..