Holy heck what a week. I know what happened, too. One of you fuckers said, “well at least things can’t possibly get worse,” I fucking know you did. Said it right out loud, didn’tcha? Like the universe wouldn’t hear you? Which one of you was it? Fess up, or I fart all the way through this blog post.

The Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor’s tyrannical tantrum towards Twitter um…conTinued (hey, I tried), culminating in a comically unconstitutional executive order, irritating a bunch of first amendment lawyers and federal judges who are gonna have to waste all kinds of fucking time pointing out the obvious in an unnecessarily formal setting. Y’know, if somebody could only talk COVID-19 into fact-checking him, maybe Shithead would do something about the FUCKING PANDEMIC, and that would be a real nice change.

President Gas Station Urinal Cake, having previously signed into law a bill authorizing warrantless surveillance of Americans, screeched “WARRANTLESS SURVEILLANCE OF AMERICANS IS WRONG!” on the polyphonic tweeting machine. Is this hypocrisy at work? Memory failure? Or does the Shart House staff just shove legislation under his perpetually-sniffling nose and tell him he’s signing a bill mandating presidential peepholes be drilled into every teen beauty pageant dressing room in all the land?

Presidential Medal of Freedom Desecrater Rush Limbaugh praised Hairplug Himmler for triggerin’ the libs (and terrorizing an innocent, grieving family) with his baseless conspiracy theories about Joe Scarborough, thrilled to finally see the highest office in the land brought down to his own bottom-of-the-darkest-outhouse level. It truly is an entire culture/political movement/dirtbag loser cult centered around irritating strangers, isn’t it? What’s amazing is, they’ve “triggered” us libs so hard that we’re more politically active than ever, and kicking their asses from coast to coast. Like, I don’t get this grand strategy where what you get is the fleeting, ultimately self-destructive thrill of shitposting, but we walk away with a sturdy House majority, a fat stack of red state governorships, and a five-month countdown to seizing the White House and Senate.  I’m not complaining, mind you. Trigger away.

The all-Republijag Texas Supreme Court won’t let puny voters use the coronavirus as an excuse to seek the unmanly-if-completely-safe alternative of a mail-in ballot, potentially forcing millions to choose between risking their lives and giving up their rights. Asked if they had a preference for the state’s populace, disenfranchisement or death, the justices shrugged noncommittally, and returned to their fantasy Civil War army draft.

Plenty of articles this week pointing out that various prominent Shartworld officials have long histories of voting by mail personally despite their current fear-of-increased-turnout-borne crusade against the practice. If you’re still waiting for Republicans to display shame at their blatant hypocrisy, well, say hi to Godot for me.

Kellyanne Conway, for example, making headlines for the first time since berating a reporter for suggesting the coronavirus outbreak wasn’t contained three months and 100,000 deaths ago, sneeringly declared that if us serfs can wait in line for a cupcake, we can wait in line to vote. Obviously this makes precisely zero fucking sense, but if there WERE a cupcake capable of flushing Kellyanne and all her fascist colleagues out of our government once and for all, you have to admit, there would be a massive fucking line to get one, and we’d all be standing in it right now.

Seems Mike Pants’ Chief of Staff, Marc Short, owns a fuckton of stock in companies doing coronavirus response business with the Turdmaggot Administration, which would probably be bigger news if anyone anywhere still believed these crooks might actually prioritize helping this country through this crisis over self-enrichment. Fuck, I’m waiting for HHS to announce they’re looking to recoup costs by confiscating the fillings from COVID victims’ teeth.

Amidst a rising death toll and an economy many experts are describing as “seriously fucked,” Dirtbag White Nationalist Senator Tom Cotton teamed up with Dirtbag White Nationalist Senator Only a Girl Marsha Blackburn to introduce legislation that would ban Chinese nationals from studying in STEM fields at American colleges, because subpar white folks fear genuine meritocracy. Me, I want the best and the brightest from all over the world to come to the United States to study, and to live, and to raise the intellectual bar so goshdarn high that there are no communities anywhere in this great country dumb or hateful enough to elect hoodless Klansmen like Tom Cotton and Marsha Blackburn.

Now that the pesky State Department inspector general is out of the way, the Treasonweasel Administration is moving forward with plans to sell another fuckload of weapons to the journalist-dismembering war criminals running Saudi Arabia. Y’know, Susan Collins was right, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot DID learn his lesson from the impeachment trial; he learned the law doesn’t apply to him, because the bottom-feeding invertebrates of the GOP will let him get away with absolutely anything. Shit, Collins is such a good teacher, she should look into that line of work next year, once Sara Gideon has replaced her useless, enabling ass.

Germ warfare in the Pennsylvania state House, as Republicans decided it would be totally awesome to expose their Democratic colleagues to a member who had tested positive for COVID-19 without telling them, because hey, what’s a deadly disease or two among beloved coworkers? C’mon, it’s basically Secret Santa! That this potentially lethal deception was in service to their ongoing efforts to force their constituents back into unsafe working conditions is some DARK FUCKING SHIT, not to editorialize.

“The only good Democrat is a dead Democrat;” so begins the video clip retweeted by the President of the United States, in a distressingly public attempt to incite one or more of the less stable maniacs of Cult45 to murder me and/or basically everyone I know, which I must confess I do not much care for. Like, my regular top issues are gun control and voting rights, but I guess going forward I’ll need to examine whether or not a candidate plans to target me specifically via stochastic terrorism. I mean, I was already leaning Biden, but I think this seals it. Anyhow, the theory posited by the Randolph Scott cosplayer in question doesn’t really hold up; I for one am a fucking kickass Democrat, and I assure you I’m quite alive*.

And of course, Minneapolis is burning, because it turns out people don’t like being told they can be murdered in the broad light of day without consequence, imagine that. With his unfailing instinct for turning everything he touches to shit, Tangerine Idi Amin figured what this volatile situation needed was a heapin’ helpin’ of threats of state-sponsored mass murder, promising, “when the looting starts, the shooting starts,” and for a guy who literally can’t remember which bills he’s signed, he’s certainly well-versed in the history of violence-enforced institutional racism. Old man, since you like your clever little rhymes so much, let me just remind you real quick, when the voting starts, your de-scroting starts.

State police, facing an enormous nationwide backlash (on top of a burning precinct), figured the best way to handle things was to arrest a CNN correspondent, who happens to be black and Latino, live on television. Is Stephen Miller offering freelance public relations consultation on the side?

Meanwhile, Joe Biden reminded us what a President is supposed to sound like, putting words to a bleeding nation’s pain, and friends, thinking about how close we are to reinstating basic frickin’ human decency in our government…I absolutely ache for it. I yearn for it. My heart is signing Roy Orbison songs about it. Not Ooby Dooby, obviously, you know the ones I’m talking about.

Sultan Spraytan called a press conference and everyone naturally thought he would address the HEADLINE FUCKING NEWS about Minneapolis and the murder of George Floyd, but PSYCH instead he pulled America out of the World Health Organization in the middle of a pandemic, and I’m ordering a bunch of Rosetta Stone software so I can learn to say “I voted for Hillary, may I please have the vaccine?” in as many languages as possible. There was also some gobbledygook about JINA, because the doddering old fuckhead still thinks he can change the subject, that we’ll talk about how he’s so very Tough on Jina instead of the fact that we can’t leave the house without fear of dying and killing everyone we live with. And of course he scampered away without taking questions, for he is a coward.

Ratfucking Halloween Outlet Store Mannequin Roger Stone has been ordered to report to prison by June 30th, giving him just one short month to eat at all his favorite restaurants, catch a ballgame, and generally cross shit off his bucket l-OH WAIT EVERYTHING IS CLOSED and isn’t that a fucking shame.

And Taylor Swift says America is never ever ever getting back together with President Crotchrot, and honestly I shouldn’t even have mentioned it, it’s just that it’s always such low-hanging fruit when a musician makes the news, you just pick a song lyric and bam! you’ve got a gag; anyway, I wrote it and you read it and nobody got hurt, so let’s just agree to move on, okay?

Well, we have arrived at the chapter in the shitty dystopian fanfic that is both our reality and our prison when roving gangs of monkeys are stealing coronavirus blood samples from health care workers and running off with them, presumably to drop that shit straight into our water supply, cackling all the while. Just to give y’all a heads up, if this clusterfuck does indeed devolve into open warfare between humanity and nature, I am defecting to the other side at the first fucking opportunity. I have zero survival skills and will look positively appalling in a loincloth, but I’m really looking forward to flinging poo at Tucker Carlson.

Anyway, newly declassified documents prove that Mike “The Turkish Delight” Flynn 100% lied to the FBI, exactly as he’s pleaded, though he’s now trying to un-plead to this thing that he obviously, indisputably did, and I know we’re doing Orwell for Dummies these days, but fucking COME ON.

And what’s this? Someone from that overflowing bowl of human soup masquerading as a “pool party” in the Ozarks has tested positive for coronavirus, having potentially exposed hundreds of others? You don’t fuckin’ say. What a twist. I mean this is some M. Night Shyamalan shit right here. Just right out of the blue. Dang.

FRIDAY NEWS DUMP MY ASS, I thought this fucker would never end. Well, I’ve earned a drink. No, you’ve earned a drink for reading all this shit, I’ve earned three for writing it. I may add a few more on credit, to be honest. As always, stay safe out there, Resisters.

*And so, dear reader, are you.