Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Craziest day yet. And that’s saying somethin’.
After dallying for a few days in the realm of the merely nutty, the news took a turn for for the poop-flingingly insane today, folks. What the walking hell is going on in this country?
Remember how we all gathered around our phones and tablets Sunday afternoon waiting for the French Presidential election results to roll in? Because this is what we do now, we tune in every few weeks to the hot new game show “Nazi, or Nah?” And thank god (or whatever the God of France is, some sort of large, rude, talking crepe, I imagine) they elected the one who isn’t a Nazi and other countries were learning from our mistakes and we smiled and felt good and then we noticed that we were still only two minutes closer to the midterms.
Team Elephant hit the Sunday Shoz with the unenviable task of Pissing On America’s Leg and Telling Us It’s Raining, schilling their Growing Old is Only For the Rich bill, excuse me, the AHCA . Taking a page from Boss Shart’s playbook, they’ve decided to just strap on a creepy smile and lie and lie and hope nobody ever notices. They insist that taking 800 billion dollars out of Medicaid won’t lead to anyone losing insurance, that their so-small-they’re-like-the-Trump’s-fingers-of-health-care “high risk pools” will take care of everybody just fine despite the long observable history of high risk pools doing no such thing, that despite the billions in tax cuts bestowed upon the wealthy, somehow the wealthy are not getting a massive cut paid for by, y’know, stealing health insurance from millions of serfs.
And boy howdy, Republicans, from columnists to pundits to congressdemons are RIGHTEOUSLY INDIGNANT that Democrats are out there telling everybody about the millions of people who will lose insurance and the thousands who would inevitably die. They are particularly angry at Jimmy Kimmel for his dastardly assertion that maybe a kid who happens to be born with serious health problems deserves a shot at a decent life, that CUCK. Newt Gingrich stood atop the holy mountain and, his voice shaking with self-regard, told us Jimmy is a terrible person for worrying about pre-existing conditions because babies can’t be denied emergency care which is technically true but means exactly FUCKALL to a human being who has to navigate all those pesky non-baby years with a chronic health condition. (If you don’t believe me, next time you get cancer, pop up at your local ER and tell ’em you want George Clooney to administer a six month chemotherapy regimen.) Y’see, in the old days, before the ACA, those folks had two options: 1) Find your way to the obscenely large amount of money necessary to treat their conditions over the course of their entire lives or 2) Die like the plebe scum they are.
Of course, while they’re talking Big n’ Tuff on the teevee, at home in their districts, the GOP congressmonsters are mostly just hiding. While 217 bravely cast their vote to destroy millions of their constituents’ lives, it seems only 14 were brave enough to look those constituents in the eye at town halls on the current recess and explain why their lives are worth less than the donor class’ summer homes. HUH.
Rod Blum, which seems to be the name of an Iowa congressman and not a hippie porn star, decided to make himself famous by bolting from an entirely tame interview like a cat running away from a vacuum store. Raul Labrador huffed and puffed and haughtily proclaimed, “Nobody dies because they don’t have access to health care,” which strikes me as a good way to get your ass good and righteously haunted by the ghosts of all the folks who died because they didn’t have access to health care. Raul was so chastised for the blowback tohis heartless arrogance that he decided to announce a run for Governor of Idaho, which he will probably win, because Idaho. Sigh. Living Muppet Villain Paul Ryan spewed his usual bullshit about everyone having “access” to great insurance, in the way that everyone has “access” to Lady Gaga tickets and space tourism and custom-made sex dolls that look like Haley Barbour if that happens to be what you’re into. It’s all so much horseshit, but they seem to have faith that their constituents will keep on insisting that accurate coverage of the effects of the AHCA is FAKE NEWS right up until ten minutes after their last credit card gets maxed out and their respirator gets unplugged.
But then yesterday we all digitally gathered around capitol hill to watch Ninja Superhero Iron Chef Vampire Slayer Wandering Ronin Sally Yates drop the Mother of All Truth Bombs on the unspeakably corrupt cabal occupying our executive branch.
(Also in attendance was Adorably Cantankerous Old Fart Who Has Also Probably Killed Men With His Bare Hands James Clapper, former Director of National Intelligence. Mr. Clapper spent some time clarifying terms like “unmasking” and “incidental collection” in attempt to calm down the rabid maniacs trapped in the right wing media bubble, I bet that worked out great, don’t you?)
And Sally Yates acquitted herself quite nicely, thank you very much
The Republicans on the panel generally wanted to talk about anything except the shady Russian connections that so very very very very many members of the sitting Republican administration (Senator Al Franken did us the solid of listing them one after another with the punchline being that there were so very very many) seem to have, which is weird, don’tcha think?? So they tried to talk about the weather, or the Nationals, or ANYTHING BUT RUSSIA PLEASE GOD. Lindsey Graham, for example, was not so terribly upset that a foreign agent who lied about earning all them sweet sweet rubles held a very important national security post that he had no business holding, but GOLLY he had a bee in his bonnet that the American people found out about it! And he’s a-plannin’ to bring down the full power of his julep-soaked jowls on those damn dirty leakers who are clearly the real problem and not the Russians who interfered with our democracy.
John Cornyn of Texas scolded Miss Sally for forgetting her manners and standing up for the rule of law while the menfolk were busy stranding doctors in airports with their executive orders, and Yates not only threw up her middle fingers but threw ’em up sideways like she was in some Tarantino flick, and told him “I work for the constitution, not that Racist Orange Thumb in the White House and I am not scared of doddering old white dudes so if you wanna talk about how disappointed you are in me, you should know my last fuck is buried in an unmarked grave, SIR.” Ted Cruz was particularly gleeful for the chance to trot out his phony preacher voice, since nobody cares what he thinks anymore since that time he couldn’t even out-racist a reality TV host. He tried playing Fancy Impressive Senator man at Sally Yates by quoting a statute at her, but she quoted a more recent statute back at his doughy, punchable, Ted Cruz face, and so he ran away to cry in the Senate coat room about how spends his life kissing the ass of a man who insulted his wife and father.
Meanwhile, John Kennedy of Louisiana chose to use his time to raise awareness of what an unbearable asshole John Kennedy of Louisiana is.
The moral of the story is Former Acting Attorney General Sally Yates ain’t nothin’ to fuck with. She told the tale of warning the new administration about all the lawbreaking shenanigans Michael Flynn had been up to, and how they responded with stupid questions like “If everybody in the executive branch is lying to each other, what’s the biggie anyway?” and she had to say “HAVING A NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR WHO IS SUSCEPTIBLE TO RUSSIAN BLACKMAIL IS NOT A GREAT IDEA YOU UNBELIEVABLE JAGOFFS.”
An then they decided not to fire him anyway, despite all the lying and foreign agenting and whatnot, until the press got ahold of the story and they were all “fine, he’s fired, but the real problem is that somebody told the press all this stuff, our corruption should be classified and shit.”
(And we can also now more perfectly imagine the gut-busting laughter that greeted Michael Flynn’s overtures for immunity. “HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHNoseriouslyyou’regoingtodieinjailHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH”)
Meanwhile, Il Douche’s racist-as-fuck Muslim Ban got its day in court. Now, Team Trump has tried to argue that they’re not administering a religious test for immigration, which would most likely be unconstitutional, but ACLU lawyers keep using the dozens of instances of the campaign promising a Muslim ban against them, so far to great success. After being confronted about this in a Spicer briefing, somebody scrubbed the references to the Muslim ban from the Trump campaign website, like that would make the whole case fall apart, leaving the flustered ACLU types shaking their fists at the sky, cursing their wily foes for executing such a master stroke.
This has actually become a popular tactic all across the right this week, as both the Marmalade Shartcannon and his little Shartkins in congress have taken to erasing or rewriting their campaign promises, particularly on health care, on their websites. “Did you think we promised access to affordable health care? You must’ve misheard, we promised access to cold, unfeeling death. Your mistake.”
We learned that FBI Director Gavrilo Princip, excuse me, “James Comey” told a bit of a fib when he testified under oath to congress that Madame Hilldawg forwarded All The Classified Emails to Anthony Weiner’s dick-pick-dispensing machine, WHOOPSIES. Totally a coincidence that Comey’s less-than-honest version gives him a sliver of ethical cover in blowing up the election and turning the nation over to a cabal of lunatic Ku Klux Klownsmen, INNIT? (When I wrote this paragraph earlier today, I thought it was all the Comey gnus fit to print, BOY WAS I WRONG.)
Oh, and the New Yorker published a piece, that said, among other things, that the most powerful human being on the planet believes that the human body is a “battery, with a finite amount of energy, which exercise only depleted” and that means that EXERCISE IS BAD FOR YOU AND WILL KILL YOU FASTER HOLY SHIT THIS MAN IS SO FUCKING DUMB HOW DOES HE EVEN USE THE BATHROOM WITHOUT HURTING HIMSELF?
Anyhow, stung by his Yates-born smackdown, Donnie Darko decided to send a letter to congress signed by his mom saying he has no business ties with Russia plus the school cafeteria can’t make him eat the vegetables on his tray if he doesn’t want to, I GUESS THAT CLEARS UP THE RUSSIA STORY FOREVER. Never mind the thing that JUST broke where Eric “Inherited His Daddy’s Brains” Trump bragged about all the millions of dollars in Russian money that finances their golf courses.
And Cud-Brained Spokesdoorknob Sean Spicer tried a little light smearjob on the Divine Miss Sally, but he fucked it up, literally citing “rumors” as his evidence, because Sean Spicer so stupid a man that the daily act of putting on pants is a life-threatening endeavor. He dropped a line about how happy President Scrotal Fungus was to have his Russia ties investigated, a statement destined to become fucking hilarious in just a few hours. I think maybe we should stop being so hard on Sean, and just applaud him for making it to work today without putting his underpants on over his suit.
(It was right around now that Team Shart’s social media director started bragging about how he was going to post a video of Hillary Clinton’s election night concession phone call, because that is something that mature adults who can be trusted to wield unchecked power do.)
Anyhow, right as cocktail time rolled around, SHARTUS fired the man heading the investigation in his campaign’s ties to Russian intelligence agencies.
But then the Pence family introduced an adorable bunny who will be living in -WAIT WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY? YES, I’M SCREAMING THAT AT MYSELF ALONE IN MY OFFICE WHY DO YOU ASK?
The President of the United States, Donald John “Twenty Pounds of Shit in a Ten Pound Bag” Trump, fired FBI Director James “Ok, so I fucked up the whole world, sue me” Comey, the dude in charge of the investigations into Team Shart’s possible collusions with a hostile foreign power.
Turns out the President’s Loyal Huntin’ Dawg, Beauregard, not only recused himself from the Russia investigation, but reserved the right to also recuse anyone who might be tempted to actually conduct it. In a bit of satire so dark it’d make Oscar Wilde cry tears of blood, these malevolent tumors festering in Democracy’s colon had the audacity to use Comey’s handling of the Clinton/Abedin/Weiner’s Peen e-mail debacle as the excuse for his termination.
Got that? At every opportunity, for months, Orange Julius Caesar has been lamenting Comey’s decision to not prosecute his Democratic rival, but the day after Sally Yates testified in front of the whole world, suddenly Jolly Jim Comey had to go because of how mean he’d been to Hillary “Lock Her Up” Clinton.
Anyway, I’m sure the President will appoint a fair, impartial, replacement, who will shepherd the FBI’s investigation with the diligence it demands.
And if you believe that, I’d like to tell you about the service I provide caring for your pets after the rapture. Payment due up front.
Leakers tell us that Tangerine Idi Amin went to the Justice department and was all “Will no one rid me of this troublesome FBI director?” (Just kidding, “troublesome” is way too high-school a word for Trump to use, I’m just making a history joke so that I come off smart), and Jeffy and his deputy (who I assume is a droopy-faced cartoon puppy with an oversized cartoon tin star, of course) were all too happy to provide the cover.
Needless to say, the whole word is going apeshit as I type this, except for the majority of congressional republicans, who somehow still expect us all to believe that is totally normal.
Senator John McCain expressed his “disappointment” in the firing before authorizing Lindsey Graham to cast his vote in absentia for whatever the fuck Donald Trump wants, because Johnny Mac talks like a Maverick but votes like a Company Man.
In the wake of tonight’s breaking news, Barely-Perceptible Congressamoeba Tom Garrett told constituents at a town hall meeting that the currently sitting and serving President of the United States of America is “small potatoes compared to Nazi Germany,” because that’s the discussion we’re having in our country tonight. The fucking NIXON LIBRARY is out there tonight tweeting about sure, Tricky Dick was a scumbag, but he never pulled shit like Trump’s pulling.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders, goonspawn/deputy press secretary, went on Fox to present the novel theory that everybody should just “move on” from the Russia thing, which injects an almost-charming naïveté into tonight’s madness. Literally while Huckabee Sanders was speaking, news broke that prosecutors were subpoenaing a number of Michael Flynn’s associates, so my guess is Sarah doesn’t get her wish.
Oh, and Antonio Sabato Jr. is running for congress. Isn’t that just a ZANY-ASS LITTLE STORY? ISN’T LIFE JUST WACKY THESE DAYS? ANTONIO SABATO JUNIOR WHO WOULDA GUESSED?
If anybody needs me, I’m the guy in a bathrobe hosting a little tea party for his cat, a Spider-Man action figure, and an autographed 8 x 10 of Judge Reinhold. WE’RE ALL CRAY HERE.