The GOP tripping over themselves to show us all just how much they hate the American people

Well, the GOP decided to throw a little theme party this week, and the theme was CRUELTY. Stung by all those You Ain’t Done Shit About Shit 100 days pieces, everybody from the lowliest wannabe Klansman serving on a small town school board to the dead-eyed demons occupying the highest perches of political power decided to show the country just what the Republican Party is all about: the vengeful, destructive hatred of everyone who disagrees with them. There was punch, a piñata that turned out to a DREAMer, and a rousing game of musical chairs where a group of plebes with kids who were born with genetic diseases competed believing the winner would get health insurance, but when there was just one chair left Paul Ryan took it away and everyone laughed and toasted with champagne that costs more than most folks’ rent.

The big story remains the House Republican Caucus’ efforts to find the precise number of American lives they can get away with destroying in order to pass their Die, Taker Scum bill, excuse me, the “AHCA.”

Last night, Jimmy Kimmel gave a moving monologue on his show about the life-threatening heart condition afflicting his newborn son, pointing out that this brand new human doesn’t deserve a life of constant illness and terror and financial hardship just because of the way he was born, and a number of Republican commentators jumped down his throat because now all the parents are gonna want all the sick children to live and money doesn’t grow on trees and keeping sick kids alive means the Koch brothers will only be able to sprinkle gold leaf on their breakfast oatmeal six days a week YOU RIFFRAFF.

Meanwhile, a group of so-called “moderates” led by Bloated Shitweasel Fred Upton engaged in some genuinely grotesque political theatre, beating their breasts over the plight of Americans with pre-existing conditions, who, under a new amendment brokered by the bloodthirsty maniacs of the Freedom Caucus were granted the Freedom to have insurance they can’t afford, which is supposed to be a greater Freedom than the one they already have, which is insurance they CAN afford, DON’T FUCKING ASK ME, THIS IS WHY I’M NOT REPUBLICAN.

Shitweasel Upton’s grand scheme is to throw the change from America’s sofa into a “high-risk pool,” offering about enough funding to secure 42 hours worth of insurance plus a two-for-one-coupon to Chick-Fil-A to the millions of people this bill would leave out in the cold. And of course everyone’s pretending that we never tried high risk pools before, and that they weren’t proven to be about as successful as the fucking XFL.

Anyway, these rampaging assholes seem hellbent on ramming this bill through the House before the people can see what’s in it, and before the CBO can score it, because maybe they think tomorrow never comes, I guess? Like, if they stick their fingers in their ears and hum the Andy Griffith theme as loud as they can, nobody will ever learn how many early graves they’re so gleefully digging?

Everybody hates the bill, doctors groups, hospital groups, insurers, patients groups, the AARP, the AMA, the AHA, the March of Dimes, lions, tigers, bears, and oh yeah, American citizens who don’t want their government to kill them. Everybody’s all bent out of shape over the silly notion that the federal government shouldn’t be actively working to usher in the early deaths of its constituents, the CUCKS.

Anyway, look for these fucks to get straight to work on some voter suppression laws, cuz the midterms are now set to be biggest toilet flush in American history. “I was just concerned that too many of my constituents lived without the life-enriching constant fear of medical bankruptcy” seems like a less-than-inspiring campaign slogan.

Oh, and in the midst of processing all the senseless suffering the AHCA would inflict on countless millions, it can easy to forget that the whole thing is being done simply to give a massive tax to the wealthiest people in the country. Don’t.

Also, we discovered Michigan Governor Rick Snyder’s entry for this evening’s Sadism Pagent. See, Rickie decided to cut off the subsidies for the Flint residents who were having trouble paying their monthly water-but-it’s-actually-poison bills, and so there are a bunch of families who’re having their homes foreclosed on because they fell behind on paying for the lead-ridden sludge that will fuck up their children’s entire lives, but don’t worry, that’s a pre-existing condition so you’ll go into a high-risk pool and you’ll get a free lollipop to go with the brief, pain-filled life your Republican government gave you so that it could save a few bucks by not making sure your water wasn’t poison. YAY CONSERVATISM.

Meanwhile, we learned that our Marmalade Shartcannon President, who can’t be bothered to learn the contents of the bills he’s trying to pass, became personally involved in the quest to hunt down the modern day Benedict Arnold who tweeted the dastardly state secret that the Shart’s inauguration wasn’t as well-attended as that of his predecessor, duh, because we all fucking hate him so very very much.

Speaking of things the Idiot Manchild doesn’t know, he gave a little a TED talk about how easy it’ll be to work out an Israel/Palestine peace deal, because I guess nobody tried real hard before. But fear not, he’s outsourcing it to his son-in-law, because Jared was able to do the one thing Donnie Darko has always wanted to do but hasn’t been able to (NUDGE NUDGE FUCK IVANKA) so he must be the greatest dealmaker of all time.

After barely pulling off the fucking Easter Egg Roll, the Shart House has decided it needs a golf break, and so it canceled the annual Cinco de Mayo celebration in favor of lurking around courthouses waiting for undocumented immigrants to report domestic violence.

Dr. Ben Carson popped up to talk about the Most Lamentable Tragedie that people who live in public housing may occasionally enjoy a passing minute or two during their lives, and aren’t regularly flogged for their sins, because it was Cruelty Day, and Dr. Ben is a company man.

Sleepwalking Skeksi Rex Tillerson held a meeting trying to boost morale at the State Department in the wake of the news that he’s planning to trim 2,300 employees from our diplomatic corps without understanding fuckall about what any of them do. I’m told it didn’t go well.

Unwilling to be outdone by all them fancy Washington elites, the grassroots got in on the cruelty action, as a Mississippi funeral home decided not to honor an agreement to cremate a dead fellah cuz the dead fellah liked kissing other fellahs when he was a not-dead fellah, because after all Jesus spends most of the Bible talking about how God mostly wants us to be dicks to people who are grieving.

We also got the news that the Justice Department, led by the President’s Loyal Huntin’ Dawg, Beauregard, has declined to prosecute the officers involved in the Alton Sterling shooting, because everybody knows there ain’t nuthin’ atawl illeguhl about shootin’ a fellah who’s bein’ restrained by a couple of law enforcement officers, if’n the fellah happens to be a colored fellah.

Besides, the Justice Department has their hands full prosecuting 61-year-old women for the High Crime of laughing at ol’ Beauregard.

Ok, you got me, that one’s too ridiculous, too over-the-top, too Villain-in-an-Alan-Moore-comic to possibly be- wait, what? That was REAL LIFE ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME?

NOPE! Jeff Sessions used his position as our nation’s chief law enforcement officer to bring the hammer down on a protester who laughed when somebody suggested that ol’ Beauregard had a history of treating of all Americans fairly, which is objectively laughable since Jeff was previously found to be Too Racist For the 80’s. Anyway, the protester was convicted (along with two others) and faces a fine and up to a year in jail, which is a totally normal thing that happens all the time in America, RIGHT?

There was a whole thing with James Comey, too, God fuck him eternally with a potato masher. I guess he said he gets a tummy-ache when he thinks about his role in turning the keys of government over to band of blisteringly incompetent white supremacist assclowns. POOR JIMMY.

…shit be cray.