Shower Cap

Sign Up for My Updates!

NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

Secretary of State

Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

BILIOUS BILL

BILIOUS BILL

Attorney General

William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.

And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

PRINCESS IVANKA

PRINCESS IVANKA

Daddy’s Little Girl

Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

First Lady

So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

THE CONCERN TROLL

THE CONCERN TROLL

Disapproving Doormat

Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.

She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.

THE JACKETLESS JACKASS

THE JACKETLESS JACKASS

Hearing Disrupter

Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry. 


SUPBAR CASH BROS

SUPBAR CASH BROS

Official Sponsors of American Fascism

Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.

Creeping Fascism SUXX, and Other Hot Takes

Friday, October 8th, 2021

 

This week has been…an unusually specific We Didn’t Start the Fire verse, and that’s all I’m going to say on the matter. You may want to put on something splatter-proof before proceeding. I mean, what the fuck.

A whistleblower granted the world a terrifying peek behind the curtain at the human -misery-manufacturing plant called Facebook, and dear lord, the scope of the damage wrought by one nerd’s unrestrained greed, it’s…it’s fuckin’ widescreen, friends. From genocide in Myanmar to inflicting lifelong trauma on an entire generation of young women, look on Mark Zuckerberg’s works, ye mighty, and despair.

There’re certainly some big issues to be grappled with here, and of course it doesn’t help that so many of our elected leaders are just too damn old to understand these newfangled “apps” and “platforms,” with their tight pants and their rock n’ roll music, but if folks could get their shit together in time to regulate these assholes before some random cow on their hellsite knocks over the lantern that sets the whole world on fire, that’d be swell.

Meanwhile, the brain poison peddlers at Fux Nooz took a break from excusing/normalizing violent insurrection and spreading vaccine lies to attack Senator Tammy Duckworth for taking a tax break for wounded veterans which she most definitely earned. But hate her anyway, and don’t forget to tithe to your draft-dodging dirtbag divinity.

“Make America Great Again Again” is the latest asinine bit of branding which, let’s be honest, will totally fucking work on the legion of pliant rubes who are, after all, still (STILL) ineffectively ingesting livestock dewormer in the face of a highly contagious, potentially lethal virus, out of spite.

I see Off-Brand Orbán somehow managed to flounder his way off the Forbes 400, a testament to his one true talent: losing. Not only did this sloppy fop recently hold the most prestigious political post on the planet, but he’s legit the head of an enormous cult, millions who demonstrate daily that they are literally willing to die for him…and STILL the dumb shit figures out a way to crash his brand and decrease his net worth. Like, if Lee and Kirby had pit the Fantastic Four against some sort of cosmic embodiment of the very concept of failure, Donald Trump would still be the bigger loser. He’s amazing.

Tacking back to Cult45 for a second, Sultan Spraytan claimed, with hubris light years beyond parody, “nobody has done more for Christianity or for evangelicals or for religion itself than I have,” which will surely strike the sincerely devout as a touch on the sacrilegious side. Lucky for him, the modern Republican Party contains precisely zero actual Christians, only seething zealots whose only creed is hate, madly demanding religious exemptions from the responsibility to peacefully coexist with others.

Speaking of which…by now you’ve surely noticed the surge in threats of violence against public school employees and officials by once-normal Americans driven insane with rage by the right-wing propaganda machine’s relentless stream of lies.

Well, Merrick Garland announced he’s allocating Justice Department resources to battle this trashfire terror epidemic, because that’s what the Justice Department is fucking for: fighting crime. Threatening to physically harm another human is against the law, and I thought, equally against the agreed-upon rules of civilization. Still, Rand Paul sure seems mad.

Indeed, the Libertarian Lummox waggled his fashy finger flamboyantly at all who would dare impede the sacred right of any frenzied psychopath (provided they’re White, naturally) to terrorize perceived infidels into submission. Rand and co. sure do have some wacky notions about freedom; one almost wants to ask ‘em to work up an official Wingnut Bill of Rights, which’d surely make for quite the obscene little manifesto, smeared, in feces, on Tucker Carlson’s garage door.

And there’s an element of “wow, what a weird hill to die on,” to Paul’s tantrum, of course, but then you remember the hill in question is really “violence and threats of violence should be permissible tactics in the public sphere, admittedly only for our side,” and the reason they’re so desperate to defend that hill is, facing a slide into minority status, the Right is contemplating a hard turn towards fascism. And it is not currently the Kinzinger/Cheney wing of the party dominating that debate. And our little metaphorical hill no longer seems “weird,” only frightening.

Senator Paul, some dude just MURDERED HIS OWN FUCKING BROTHER, a pharmacist, in the name of the snakes fuckwads like you shoved into his head. Like, while we grudgingly understand that your party fucked up so fucking badly that lying to people until their brains break is your only viable electoral strategy at the moment, we really must insist upon drawing the line at submitting to your slaughter.

God picked up his iPhone and went, “Siri, have Chuck Grassley demonstrate the casual racism of old, white, paternalistic, conservative dudes, during a Senate hearing if possible,” and, well, that’s what happened…he’s God. (I would REALLY love it if people picked fights about the gender of god in the comments, by the way.) You don’t get Trump or Trumpism without the sleepy acquiescence of a whole lotta Chuck Grassleys, y’know.

Congratulate Ron Johnson for graduating from using his platform as a United States Senator to parrot dangerous coronavirus disinformation, to using his platform as a United States Senator to elevate dangerous and previously obscure coronavirus disinformation; growth in the wrong direction is still growth, I suppose.

If anybody’s worried they’re sleeping too soundly, let it be known RoJo, for all his shitbaggery, is nowhere near the fringe of the GOP’s elected official class. Certainly not when compared to New Hampshire State Representative Ken Weyler, who claims coronavirus vaccines are a plot by the Pope to inject “octopus-like creatures” into the bodies of unsuspecting patriots. No, really. That happened. In real life.

Republican Governor Chris Sununu called for Weyler’s removal from House leadership, a reasonable enough request, but look, if the GOP kicks everybody who believes the pandemic is a conspiracy to infect children with microsquid out of their steadily-shrinking tent, how’re they supposed to win elections?

Palace intrigue at the Idaho Governor’s Mansion (which, I just learned, does not exist), when Lt. Gov. Janice McGeachin took advantage of Gov. Brad Little’s trip to an out-of-state meeting to USURP POWER and repeal vaccine and testing mandates, because death cult coups are just something that happens in America now. (If nobody’s claimed “Potato Republic” yet, I’d like to plant my flag.)

And a new report from Senate Judiciary recounts all the zany ways Hairplug Himmler and his accommodating stooge, Jeffrey Clark, schemed to hollow American democracy out from within, like cartoon termites, only scarier and much less likely to understand how umbrellas work. Republican response to the report has been…let’s say, “predictably disloyal.”

The Deposed Dotard formally ordered his old Turd Reich underlings to defy the January 6th commission’s congressional subpoenas, a key procedural milestone on the slow-motion legal front of the nation’s great Nazi or Nah? struggle. While I normally wouldn’t wish Steve Bannon’s presence on anyone, (it takes multiple boilings to remove the viscous residue he leaves in his wake) let’s get to work enforcing those subpoenas, kids.

Oh, and it turns out prominent hate group attorney Michael P. Farris worked behind the scenes to shape the Assclown Autogolpe’s legal strategy, and you know, I’m starting to think the religious right skipped over a few parts of that Bible. I mean, just the stuff between the front and back covers, though should Ben Garrison recover, I’m sure we’ll someday get to see his approving portrayal of Jesus-as-MAGA-capped-brownshirt, clubbing little caricatures of CNN anchors to death in the street.

Speaking of bigotry wearing faith like a cheap plastic Halloween mask, North Carolina Lt. Governor Mark Robinson won’t resign over his appallingly dehumanizing comments about LGBTQ people; why would he, when viral hate speech so frequently rockets one into the highest echelons of Republican politics?

Every other random conservative shitfit continues apace, incidentally. Ron DeSantis keeps on inflicting petty punishments on school districts who refuse to obediently sacrifice their charges to his carrot-colored death god. All the vaccine crap and the CRT crap and the abortion rights crap is still pilin’ up. All frogs are still a-boilin’.

And despite the Cirque du Soleil-quality public failure of the sham Arizona recount, auditmania runs wild, from Wisconsin to North Carolina, because what could possibly go wrong, perpetually reinforcing the Big Lie that the Biden/Fauci/Soros/Big Tech/Snuffleupagus/Big Candy Cigarette/Harvey the Pooka/Big Common Sense Cabal has stolen the nation away from real (coughcoughwhite) Americans?

Oh right. The surge in violence. The one Rand Paul luvs so very, very much.

Debt Ceiling Theatre must be the shittiest show on C-SPAN, right? It’s certainly the most irritating. Mitch McConnell pulled his customary game of chicken (a monstrous, withered, turtle/chicken hybrid, lurching towards catastrophe, somehow leaking horse manure from every orifice) with the global economy, at least until he started getting phone calls from his plutocrat employers; Mitchell is ultimately a servant, albeit a well-compensated one, a sort of “head butler,” but even he isn’t trusted with the combination to the master’s safe.

‘Course, Yertle failed to account for Newton’s Second Law of Ted Cruz: certain assholes are incapable of catching the merest whiff of the spotlight without succumbing to the compulsion to pucker and preen. Lindsey Graham felt like yipping for a bit, too…what cheer. And then one final mini-crisis, because though all agreed the United States must not be permitted to default on its obligations, few were brave enough to cast the necessary vote and thus face the wrath of soft fashy boi Sean Hannity. Real Profiles in the Bottom of my Sneakers After a Trip to the Dog Park stuff here, folks.

Whatever. In the end, Mitch folded, and human civilization lived to fight another day. Honestly, any day this careening gaggle of buttholes fails to blow us all to atoms counts as a good day in my book.

…as does any day when the fridge holds at least a few stray cans of local craft brew. Today, thank all the gods in all the heavens, is such a day. And if you need any more good news, well, howzabout I finally begin teasing the next offering from Resistance Comics…

Shower Cap

Sign Up for My Updates!

NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

Secretary of State

Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

BILIOUS BILL

BILIOUS BILL

Attorney General

William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.

And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

PRINCESS IVANKA

PRINCESS IVANKA

Daddy’s Little Girl

Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

First Lady

So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

THE CONCERN TROLL

THE CONCERN TROLL

Disapproving Doormat

Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.

She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.

THE JACKETLESS JACKASS

THE JACKETLESS JACKASS

Hearing Disrupter

Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry. 


SUPBAR CASH BROS

SUPBAR CASH BROS

Official Sponsors of American Fascism

Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This