- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Creeping Fascism SUXX, and Other Hot Takes
This week has been…an unusually specific We Didn’t Start the Fire verse, and that’s all I’m going to say on the matter. You may want to put on something splatter-proof before proceeding. I mean, what the fuck.
A whistleblower granted the world a terrifying peek behind the curtain at the human -misery-manufacturing plant called Facebook, and dear lord, the scope of the damage wrought by one nerd’s unrestrained greed, it’s…it’s fuckin’ widescreen, friends. From genocide in Myanmar to inflicting lifelong trauma on an entire generation of young women, look on Mark Zuckerberg’s works, ye mighty, and despair.
There’re certainly some big issues to be grappled with here, and of course it doesn’t help that so many of our elected leaders are just too damn old to understand these newfangled “apps” and “platforms,” with their tight pants and their rock n’ roll music, but if folks could get their shit together in time to regulate these assholes before some random cow on their hellsite knocks over the lantern that sets the whole world on fire, that’d be swell.
Meanwhile, the brain poison peddlers at Fux Nooz took a break from excusing/normalizing violent insurrection and spreading vaccine lies to attack Senator Tammy Duckworth for taking a tax break for wounded veterans which she most definitely earned. But hate her anyway, and don’t forget to tithe to your draft-dodging dirtbag divinity.
“Make America Great Again Again” is the latest asinine bit of branding which, let’s be honest, will totally fucking work on the legion of pliant rubes who are, after all, still (STILL) ineffectively ingesting livestock dewormer in the face of a highly contagious, potentially lethal virus, out of spite.
I see Off-Brand Orbán somehow managed to flounder his way off the Forbes 400, a testament to his one true talent: losing. Not only did this sloppy fop recently hold the most prestigious political post on the planet, but he’s legit the head of an enormous cult, millions who demonstrate daily that they are literally willing to die for him…and STILL the dumb shit figures out a way to crash his brand and decrease his net worth. Like, if Lee and Kirby had pit the Fantastic Four against some sort of cosmic embodiment of the very concept of failure, Donald Trump would still be the bigger loser. He’s amazing.
Tacking back to Cult45 for a second, Sultan Spraytan claimed, with hubris light years beyond parody, “nobody has done more for Christianity or for evangelicals or for religion itself than I have,” which will surely strike the sincerely devout as a touch on the sacrilegious side. Lucky for him, the modern Republican Party contains precisely zero actual Christians, only seething zealots whose only creed is hate, madly demanding religious exemptions from the responsibility to peacefully coexist with others.
Speaking of which…by now you’ve surely noticed the surge in threats of violence against public school employees and officials by once-normal Americans driven insane with rage by the right-wing propaganda machine’s relentless stream of lies.
Well, Merrick Garland announced he’s allocating Justice Department resources to battle this trashfire terror epidemic, because that’s what the Justice Department is fucking for: fighting crime. Threatening to physically harm another human is against the law, and I thought, equally against the agreed-upon rules of civilization. Still, Rand Paul sure seems mad.
Indeed, the Libertarian Lummox waggled his fashy finger flamboyantly at all who would dare impede the sacred right of any frenzied psychopath (provided they’re White, naturally) to terrorize perceived infidels into submission. Rand and co. sure do have some wacky notions about freedom; one almost wants to ask ‘em to work up an official Wingnut Bill of Rights, which’d surely make for quite the obscene little manifesto, smeared, in feces, on Tucker Carlson’s garage door.
And there’s an element of “wow, what a weird hill to die on,” to Paul’s tantrum, of course, but then you remember the hill in question is really “violence and threats of violence should be permissible tactics in the public sphere, admittedly only for our side,” and the reason they’re so desperate to defend that hill is, facing a slide into minority status, the Right is contemplating a hard turn towards fascism. And it is not currently the Kinzinger/Cheney wing of the party dominating that debate. And our little metaphorical hill no longer seems “weird,” only frightening.
Senator Paul, some dude just MURDERED HIS OWN FUCKING BROTHER, a pharmacist, in the name of the snakes fuckwads like you shoved into his head. Like, while we grudgingly understand that your party fucked up so fucking badly that lying to people until their brains break is your only viable electoral strategy at the moment, we really must insist upon drawing the line at submitting to your slaughter.
God picked up his iPhone and went, “Siri, have Chuck Grassley demonstrate the casual racism of old, white, paternalistic, conservative dudes, during a Senate hearing if possible,” and, well, that’s what happened…he’s God. (I would REALLY love it if people picked fights about the gender of god in the comments, by the way.) You don’t get Trump or Trumpism without the sleepy acquiescence of a whole lotta Chuck Grassleys, y’know.
Congratulate Ron Johnson for graduating from using his platform as a United States Senator to parrot dangerous coronavirus disinformation, to using his platform as a United States Senator to elevate dangerous and previously obscure coronavirus disinformation; growth in the wrong direction is still growth, I suppose.
If anybody’s worried they’re sleeping too soundly, let it be known RoJo, for all his shitbaggery, is nowhere near the fringe of the GOP’s elected official class. Certainly not when compared to New Hampshire State Representative Ken Weyler, who claims coronavirus vaccines are a plot by the Pope to inject “octopus-like creatures” into the bodies of unsuspecting patriots. No, really. That happened. In real life.
Republican Governor Chris Sununu called for Weyler’s removal from House leadership, a reasonable enough request, but look, if the GOP kicks everybody who believes the pandemic is a conspiracy to infect children with microsquid out of their steadily-shrinking tent, how’re they supposed to win elections?
Palace intrigue at the Idaho Governor’s Mansion (which, I just learned, does not exist), when Lt. Gov. Janice McGeachin took advantage of Gov. Brad Little’s trip to an out-of-state meeting to USURP POWER and repeal vaccine and testing mandates, because death cult coups are just something that happens in America now. (If nobody’s claimed “Potato Republic” yet, I’d like to plant my flag.)
And a new report from Senate Judiciary recounts all the zany ways Hairplug Himmler and his accommodating stooge, Jeffrey Clark, schemed to hollow American democracy out from within, like cartoon termites, only scarier and much less likely to understand how umbrellas work. Republican response to the report has been…let’s say, “predictably disloyal.”
The Deposed Dotard formally ordered his old Turd Reich underlings to defy the January 6th commission’s congressional subpoenas, a key procedural milestone on the slow-motion legal front of the nation’s great Nazi or Nah? struggle. While I normally wouldn’t wish Steve Bannon’s presence on anyone, (it takes multiple boilings to remove the viscous residue he leaves in his wake) let’s get to work enforcing those subpoenas, kids.
Oh, and it turns out prominent hate group attorney Michael P. Farris worked behind the scenes to shape the Assclown Autogolpe’s legal strategy, and you know, I’m starting to think the religious right skipped over a few parts of that Bible. I mean, just the stuff between the front and back covers, though should Ben Garrison recover, I’m sure we’ll someday get to see his approving portrayal of Jesus-as-MAGA-capped-brownshirt, clubbing little caricatures of CNN anchors to death in the street.
Speaking of bigotry wearing faith like a cheap plastic Halloween mask, North Carolina Lt. Governor Mark Robinson won’t resign over his appallingly dehumanizing comments about LGBTQ people; why would he, when viral hate speech so frequently rockets one into the highest echelons of Republican politics?
Every other random conservative shitfit continues apace, incidentally. Ron DeSantis keeps on inflicting petty punishments on school districts who refuse to obediently sacrifice their charges to his carrot-colored death god. All the vaccine crap and the CRT crap and the abortion rights crap is still pilin’ up. All frogs are still a-boilin’.
And despite the Cirque du Soleil-quality public failure of the sham Arizona recount, auditmania runs wild, from Wisconsin to North Carolina, because what could possibly go wrong, perpetually reinforcing the Big Lie that the Biden/Fauci/Soros/Big Tech/Snuffleupagus/Big Candy Cigarette/Harvey the Pooka/Big Common Sense Cabal has stolen the nation away from real (coughcoughwhite) Americans?
Oh right. The surge in violence. The one Rand Paul luvs so very, very much.
Debt Ceiling Theatre must be the shittiest show on C-SPAN, right? It’s certainly the most irritating. Mitch McConnell pulled his customary game of chicken (a monstrous, withered, turtle/chicken hybrid, lurching towards catastrophe, somehow leaking horse manure from every orifice) with the global economy, at least until he started getting phone calls from his plutocrat employers; Mitchell is ultimately a servant, albeit a well-compensated one, a sort of “head butler,” but even he isn’t trusted with the combination to the master’s safe.
‘Course, Yertle failed to account for Newton’s Second Law of Ted Cruz: certain assholes are incapable of catching the merest whiff of the spotlight without succumbing to the compulsion to pucker and preen. Lindsey Graham felt like yipping for a bit, too…what cheer. And then one final mini-crisis, because though all agreed the United States must not be permitted to default on its obligations, few were brave enough to cast the necessary vote and thus face the wrath of soft fashy boi Sean Hannity. Real Profiles in the Bottom of my Sneakers After a Trip to the Dog Park stuff here, folks.
Whatever. In the end, Mitch folded, and human civilization lived to fight another day. Honestly, any day this careening gaggle of buttholes fails to blow us all to atoms counts as a good day in my book.
…as does any day when the fridge holds at least a few stray cans of local craft brew. Today, thank all the gods in all the heavens, is such a day. And if you need any more good news, well, howzabout I finally begin teasing the next offering from Resistance Comics… 
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Awwww, Dude. Didja HAFTA bring Harvey in to it?? That’s, like, my all-time fave movie. Seriously. A new year tradition.
“…but if folks could get their shit together in time to regulate these assholes before some random cow on their hellsite knocks over the lantern that sets the whole world on fire, that’d be swell.” O’Leary cow legend and 150 years since the Great Chicago Fire…cool tie in!
Mark Zuckerberg looks like his mom still cuts his hair. By the way, god is gender neutral and also isn’t real. Now ask about The Flying Spaghetti Monster and you could have a good deep “discussion”…
Aw, now ya tell me…after I just Patreoned God, as in the God Pod podcast dude. Who routinely does presentations with Moses, Jesus, the goddess Psyche, Death (who’s feeling a bit more refreshed now that she’s had a chance to have a spa day; heaven knows she must be exhausted these days), Mary Magdalene, the Holy Spirit, and Satan. Rarely all in the same show, though there was that big get-together 2-hour party back in late September… ;->
Speaking of Cap’s comics, Cap, did I miss the post where I could download the French Resistance mag, or is that still coming in November? 🙂
I think Zuck uses a Flobie…
So when do we get together to nail 95 Feces to Tuckum’s garage door? I’m in!!
Just for fun I decided to count LOL’s 7! Maybe with Trump out, sort of, people aren’t reading Cap as much, but they’re missing out. Lots of good stuff here. For instance, I hadn’t heard about octopus scare, so more laughs when you click on that site.
Have many brews Cap. Putting all this crap together in a coherent whole much be excruciating, and deeply depressing. Appreciate you “going in” for the rest of us.
Another masterpiece, Cap. Love ya!
Thanks, once again, Cap. A great, although sort of depressing, morning read. Thank heavens for the laughs. It really was a full week of shit wasn’t it. By the way, don’t mess with Harvey the Pooka. He does not belong with those other evil things. He’s real. Yes, he still exists. A long, long time ago I had the great experience of seeing him live, on stage, with Helen Hayes and Jimmy Stewart. I admit I was pretty young (7 or 8 I suspect) but it’s an experience I will never forget. All 3 of them were awesome. LOL Yeah, I know, but Jimmy Stewart made me believe Harvey was real. At any rate, I hope those craft brews keep appearing in your refrigerator. Have a great weekend, you deserve it.
Atta boy Cap….God ? Which one?
I’ve always appreciated the variety of monikers you have come up with for Hair Trumpenfuror,
but I got to tell ya Cap, “Off-Brand Orban”… is precious.
How do I go about getting the “Marguerite” comic book? Or is it forever unavailable to me now? Love your work!
Hardly forever unavailable…in fact, it’ll be available in the next Kickstarter we’re launching in early November!
God is a hermaphrodite. Thanks, Cap for another great read/take/soft-core rant…you always deliver!
Thanks for another great one, Cap. As for the God-gender thing, I can’t imagine God being anything other than neutral, because otherwise God would have to have been born, right? If so, who were the parents? Was there a baby God? (Actually, a situation this messy might explain a lot.)/s/
I’m liking the Shelley and Harvey shout outs! Thanks Cap, You make me see that I’m not the only one who want’s to rampage this nonsense.
She could create a Chuck Grassley, but never would.
Y’know, I really actually do hate adding any more fuel to the conspiracy theory dumpster fire (conspiracies do happen [look at Watergate and Iran/Contra-gate!], but the various theories are usually just ridiculous), but, but, but…what if it’s the REPUBLICANS who’d been co-opted by the lizard people (and what if they’re not actually aliens, just Silurians from Doctor Who, who’re irritated that /their/ planet had been co-opted by those damn dirty proto-primates)? Remember the mini-series, then the series, “V”? At least there, the /first/ thing they did was discredit the scientists, /then/ the real reporters; they wanted the reporters on their side as long as possible. One wonders how they might’ve done if Fux Noose had been around back then…
Here in our universe, it might’ve been: “Again? /Ssseriousssly/? We’ve gone over thisss — okay, from the top… Firssst, dissscredit all journalissstsss who aren’t with Fox News. Sssay they’re the ‘enemy of the people’; Americansss love that. Then, defund all that ssscience ssstuff, and fill your Cabinet with people who’ll make it really difficult for the remainder to do their jobsss. Then, when the pandemic hitsss, let it kill off all those who oppose you. /sigh And, yesss, we’ll clear your debtsss with all the ssscary apesss you’re ssso afraid of.” /rolls_eyes “Oh, and wind up the Qanon and all those others; have them tell everyone it’sss the Democratsss who’re working with usss. That way, if anyone findsss out, either no one will believe them, or they’ll think it’s sssour grapesss, jussst parroting what the ‘true patriotsss who know what’sss /really/ going on’ have been sssaying.”
(It’s easier to say something that sounds like a “z” with a forked tongue than a hard “s”, that’s why. ;->)
Michael Harriot has his way with Kyrsten Sinema this week, for those of you who can’t get enough of mockingly channeled political rage. (If you’re not Black, just pretend you’re part of the Solution and enjoy)
https://www.theroot.com/fuck-kyrsten-sinema-1847821219
Christ, I’m so tired. This just isn’t going away and I am thankful I’m old and won’t have to put up with shit much longer. I am in disbelief that the minority of assholes is gaining the power given what this country was founded on. I would like to say this country wasn’t founded on hatred, white supremacy from day one after they landed here or the continuing of this fucked up mentality given power by the white, old men who espouse to be religious, morally upright and all the other bullshit they espouse to. How the hell is this continuing in 2021? Texas, beyond being believable. Is there no honesty or compassion among these shitheads who crave money and power without any ability to understand hardship, poverty, hunger, etc. without thinking about what affects their bottom line, their life, their fucking arrogance and self importance? I wish them all hardship in their lives on earth before they die as I doubt there is a god or if there were one that would accept these assholes. Sorry, big rant here. Thanks for the update, Cap!
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I think that Jon Stewart & Bill Mahrer are exactly on target Re: 2022/2024 will be administrative coup. All it will take is 3-4 states with coup intentions. So I think we quickly figure out how we are going to quarantine those supportive of a coup. The “law will stand” lawyers hve walked us straight into a cul de sac. I say fuck them most of all. What a collective set of democracy destroyers
This shit is giving me panic attacks and migraines. I do not like that. Keep pushing your goddamn lies, assholes. Sanity and reality will prevail or there will be civil war in America, again. You ripped them all a new one this week, Capmeister. Carry on.
Today’s Daily Fascist Attack on the Press is by the Maggot Governor of Missouri, Mike Parson. He has ordered a criminal prosecution of reporters for the St. Louis Post Dispatch. Their crime? They discovered a “flaw” in a Missouri Government Website. The SS numbers of 100,000 teachers was potentially available. The reporters informed the Missouri Government and allowed them time to fix their “bug”. Then, the Post-Dispatch reported publicly about the defective website. Parson blamed the reporters, and calls it a crime. Instead the crime is by incompetent Missouri government computer programmers. And the Governor is a criminal. More censorship and fraud by Trump World because a Super Spreader of COVID-19 is trying to destroy a newspaper. The Post-Dispatch has reported on extensively Parson’s super spreading. It is a disgrace that Trump and Parson have helped murder thousands of Missourians with their plague.
https://www.kansascity.com/news/politics-government/article254998002.html#storylink=cpy