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NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

Secretary of State

Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

BILIOUS BILL

BILIOUS BILL

Attorney General

William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.

And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

PRINCESS IVANKA

PRINCESS IVANKA

Daddy’s Little Girl

Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

First Lady

So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

THE CONCERN TROLL

THE CONCERN TROLL

Disapproving Doormat

Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.

She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.

THE JACKETLESS JACKASS

THE JACKETLESS JACKASS

Hearing Disrupter

Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry. 


SUPBAR CASH BROS

SUPBAR CASH BROS

Official Sponsors of American Fascism

Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.

Must’ve Been Some Sort of Sale on Nazi Shit This Week. Yikes.

Friday, October 15th, 2021

 

I never thought I’d wax nostalgic over the days when the sole purpose of the Republican Party was to make rich people richer, but now that they’re bringing equal guile and fervor to efforts to feed and grow their shiny new fascist death cult base, I confess I reminisce almost fondly about mere Gordon Gekko greed.

Because we’re lookin’ at Nazi shit tonight, friends. Sorry. There’s just a whole lotta Nazi shit goin’ down in the land of the free lately, and I guess we gotta chronicle it, cuz that’s what we put on the header. I’ll try to throw in a few poop jokes here and there…spoonful of sugar and all that.

When names like Marjorie Taylor Greene and Kyle Rittenhouse collide in a shared headline, you KNOW you’re getting pure, uncut, Nazi shit. Anyway, a sitting U.S. Congresswoman fundraised for the child terrorist who has become a folk hero to the increasingly-violent alt-right, and no one in her party could be bothered to offer up the mildest “well, she really oughtn’t” in condemnation.

Because in the scramble for power in the All-New, Not-Sure-Whose-Side-We’re-Gonna-Be-On-In-World-Wars-From-Here-On-Out GOP, the maniacs are definitely taking their shot. Turns out, when you set out to construct a coalition of, by, and for the shittiest and craziest people alive, you attract some…well, you’d call them “characters” were their intentions a little less vile.

You watch perpetual candidate Josh Mandel stumbling around, rubbing his own shit into his own hair while screaming GEORGE SOROS CAUSED COVID, and you can’t help but wonder if th’Base™️isn’t just rage-crazed enough to finally actually send that d-list Arkham Asylum inmate to the United States Senate; J.D. Vance’s debasing mimicry of Joshie’s act tells us a fair amount about the conventional wisdom on the subject in “moderate” conservative circles.

See, you can’t really be moderate in a party where the Mandels and the Taylor Greenes call the shots. The moderate position at that table is We Should Have Little Libraries in the Concentration Camps Full of Terrified Children We Stole From Migrant Families.

Meanwhile Allen West’s quest for the Texas governorship rode a wave of ivermectin and hydroxychloroquine to a little detour in the Covid ward, while Mike “the Turkish Delight” Flynn begged the disinformation-warped cult of Q to believe his earnest denials of Satan-worship, an event with absolutely no parallels to any known Arthur Miller play.

Remember, it’s their very best they’re sending.

I guess somebody put up the eighty bucks, and so the Deposed Dotard recorded a creepy little Cameo vid for MAGA martyr Ashli Babbitt’s birthday party, and while lionizing treasonous terrorists isn’t what one might typically think of as even post-presidential behavior, Van Jones assures me that big ol’ pivot’s coming any day now. Two weeks.

Trump-endorsed Georgia Senate candidate/serial domestic abuser Herschel Walker cancelled a scheduled fundraiser with some wingnut rando who apparently enjoys filling Twitter with swastikas. If only scaring them off the behavior were as easy as getting them to back away from the most overt symbols, right?

“Holy balls, Cap, Swastikas?!? There really IS a lot of Nazi shit this week!” Yes, Virginia, there is indeed. And we’re not done with the week’s Nazi shit, either. We’re not close to done. But there’s a little bit of non-Nazi shit, too, shit that’s just ordinarily shitty shit, so why don’t we sort through some of that shit for a while? Lil’ palate cleanser. Sorbet.

A New York Times exposé revealed the entirely predictable trashfire of corruption and incompetence surrounding the Turd Reich’s handling of gifts from foreign governments. Also that the Saudis, recognizing a mark when they saw one, dazzled Donnie Dipshit with fake furs, because fucking of course they did. There must’ve been a line out the goddamn door to renegotiate everything from treaties to trade deals before the grown-ups came back to drag history’s most perfect rube away from the table.

Between that and the latest setback in just one of his many legal battles, we’re reminded that perhaps the biggest reason Off-Brand Orbán (yeah, I’m keeping that one) seeks a return to the Oval Office so rapaciously is it’s the only place he’s truly safe from the legal consequences of a decades-long career in crime of all flavors, from sexual assault to theft to terrorism.

No wonder he’s taken time out of his busy schedule monitoring the feed from the hidden cameras he had installed in Jared and Ivanka’s bedroom to reassert his tiny-fisted grasp around the GOP’s collective gullet, threatening to withhold his hordes from party causes until they figure out some way to get Joe Biden to un-kick his historic loser ass. Now, following 2020’s “platforms are for cucks” doctrine, perhaps we should congratulate this amorphous mass of gutless buttholes for finally choosing to stand for anything at all, though admittedly, blind fealty to the fascist Big Lie isn’t the greatest starting point.

The Manchurian Manchild’s petulant displays of force are hardly necessary; these whipped dogs are surely domesticated for life; were you to remove Lindsey Graham’s collar, open the gate, and announce, “You’re free, boy!” he’d only stand there, confused and afraid, until you let him back into the house.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott actually issued an executive order attempting to ban vaccine mandates statewide, an act of abject madness and fathomless malice…and it made news for, oh, six hours or so? Because deploying the power of the state to intentionally exacerbate a public health crisis, at the cost of thousands of senseless, preventable deaths, is simply standard operating procedure for the 21st century Republican Party, during this, their steadily-accelerating downward spiral towards the darkest places the human animal has yet uncovered within itself. (Jesus, Cap, keep it light.)

Incidentally, I imagine Republicans will return to the holy mission of reducing the size of government in anticipation of imminent bathtub immersion just as soon as they’re done with the competitive serf-slaughtering phase of their 2024 primary. Until then, they need to retain powers juuuuuust intrusive enough to prevent private companies from reducing their workforce’s exposure to a lethal virus; it’s an exceptionally consistent belief system, conservatism.

Glenn Youngkin (the Republican candidate for Virginia Governor, making his overdue debut in this silly, silly blog) wants you to think he’s one of the good ones. The moderate ones. No Nazi shit for Glenn Youngkin. Okay, well, maybe he went on ONE actual, known neo-Nazi’s radio program, but in fairness, that was only to pander to the dude’s (Nazi) audience for votes.

Oh, and maybe the Virginia GOP threw a little antebellum Nuremberg rally with Steve Bannon and even a call-in from the Burst Hemorrhoid Emperor himself, and maybe they kinda sorta idol-worshipped a flag some toe-fucking gobshite brought back from the Capitol Riot, but outside of the Nazi shit mentioned here, which one must grudgingly admit constitutes an unusually large amount of Nazi shit for an American political campaign, Nazi shit has been kept to a minimum. Mostly.

The truth is, you can’t really get involved with Republican politics on any level these days without rolling around in a pigpen full of pipin’ hot Nazi shit, until it penetrates every orifice and stains your eternal soul, but of course Glenn understands all that, it’s just that he wants to be Governor more than he wants to oppose the rise of fascism on American soil. So I guess I’m endorsing Terry McAuliffe, who certainly has a great deal more to recommend himself than “hey, he’s not a Nazi,” but I’m a single-issue voter now.

Missouri Governor Mike Parson publicly threatened legal retaliation against a newspaper that notified his government of a security flaw that exposed 100,000 of his constituents’ Social Security numbers to theft, even though of course it was the government itself that left this data lying around on the side of the street next to a Help Yourself sign. Parson came off like a petty clown, of course, but that instinctive authoritarian lashing-out at the free press…I’m getting pretty sick of that shit.

I’ll be honest with you, even amidst all this fashy fuckery, nothing set the ol’ tummy to churning quite like the news that Joe Rogan was steering his audience towards the official spokescreep of shitsack supremacy: Tucker Carlson. Rogan’s laughably dishonest endorsement of Fish Stix Hitler amounted to praising Grand Moff Tarkin for preserving Alderaan’s picturesque forests and thriving theatre scene, providing the customary casual gaslighting sprinkles that grant so much of our news that familiar, tangy, Orwellian crunch. Still, a Rogan-Carlson pipeline would produce an awful lot of white boy terrorists, so let’s hope this particular supervillain team-up disintegrates sooner rather than later.

Carlson, whose laugh sounds like six hamsters in a food processor and whose chin was recently voted Most Likely to Be Fourteen Ounces of Cottage Cheese in a Sausage Casing, impugned Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg’s manhood for taking paternity leave. When these thugs get done burning books* they’ll actually put Liar Tuck’s sad, soft portrait in the dictionary next to “masculinity,” y’know. I mean, if you’re gonna lie about elections and pandemics, why not make Tucker Carlson the male ideal while you’re at it, just for laffs?   

Now, you’re probably sick to fucking death of Nazi shit by now; lord knows I am. But if we don’t deal with the Nazi shit that’s already in front of us, we’re just gonna get served an even bigger plate of Nazi shit for breakfast tomorrow, and not to come off argumentative or anything, but my feeling is, there’s been too much Nazi shit already.

Because under Texas’ new anti-CRT law, (“CRT” stands for “Implying Racism Ever Existed in America for Even Ten Minutes AKA Spitting Directly Into the Eye of God” in Texas) we’ve got school boards telling their teachers that if you’re gonna stock books that suggest the Holocaust was bad in any way, you better Chuck Todd that shit and give equal representation to the “opposing” point of view, which is, objectively, Hitler’s.

See, I saved the Naziest shit for last.

Can I just ask…if you’re writing laws that transform public schools into environments where children are taught to bothsides the Holocaust, what conclusion do you expect people to draw? Because there aren’t non-Nazi reasons to do that.

Not sure what y’all hope to accomplish anyway, do you imagine doctoring a few history textbooks will somehow conceal the existence of the hatred you twisted fucks belch up all goddamn day long? Are you like…wait. Are…are they trying to claim credit for inventing racism? “As you learned in school, son, the human race lived in perfect harmony until scumbags like your dad came along and fucked everything up! Aren’tcha proud?”

Hopefully, by the next time we meet, Steve Bannon will be behind bars for defying a congressional subpoena. I’m told the chief obstacle confronting the Jan. 6th commission involves the necessity of constructing a unique holding facility for Bannon, whose body emits numerous secretions capable of burning through traditional restraints.

Hey, those of you who backed MARGUERITE VS. THE OCCUPATION on Kickstarter: digital copies have been sent! Check your junk folders if you didn’t see our update! And if you still haven’t filled out your reward survey, shame on you, get on that!

Which reminds me, we’re gearing up for yet another comic book Kickstarter come November! This one’s a little more fun in the traditional super-hero sense, but still contains all the Nazi-stomping goodness you’ve come to expect from Resistance Comics. Our pre-launch page for ODD YARNS is LIVE, and you can sign up for updates there!

Anyhoo, I’m gonna go try to wash all this Nazi shit out of my eyeballs, or at least drown it in beer. Stay safe out there, Resisters…we need ya.

*LOL they’re never “done.” That’s not how this works. Stop them or they don’t stop. 

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NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT

Secretary of State

Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

BILIOUS BILL

BILIOUS BILL

Attorney General

William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.

And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

PRINCESS IVANKA

PRINCESS IVANKA

Daddy’s Little Girl

Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

THE EMPRESS MALARIA

First Lady

So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

THE CONCERN TROLL

THE CONCERN TROLL

Disapproving Doormat

Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.

She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.

THE JACKETLESS JACKASS

THE JACKETLESS JACKASS

Hearing Disrupter

Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry. 


SUPBAR CASH BROS

SUPBAR CASH BROS

Official Sponsors of American Fascism

Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.

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