Say, this latest round of drama made me realize, Shower Cap’s Blog has yet to formally endorse in the 2024 presidential race. Well, I’ll be danged (all the way to Heck) if democracy dies in a tattered, beer-stained, superhero bathrobe and a luchador mask! Yea, though it may endanger my lucrative defense contracts, (I provide fart jokes to the janitorial staff at Andrews…at a hefty markup, of course) I shall be silent no longer!

I hereby endorse Jill Stein, or perhaps Cornel West, because when I shove quarters up my nose, I shove ‘em all the way! Because I’m a preening nincompoop who values social media feedback from other preening nincompoops more than human life! Because chicks dig counterproductive, masturbatory virtue signalling…right?

Aw, I’m just yankin’ yer chain, I’m voting for Vice President Harris. (C’mon, you didn’t think a Stein voter possessed a brain capable of writing jokes, didja?) And mostly for the Biden/Harris economy, which even Th’Economist calls “the envy of the world,” the biggest environmental bill in history, the dozens of liberal judges, and so on and so forth.

But even beyond that, she has a certain, how shall I put this…non-fascistness that I find charming, somehow. The way she never calls her political opponents “the enemy within,” or threatens to deploy the military against them, it’s…I dunno, kinda refreshing. Like a nice, tall glass of iced tea after a 14-hour shift breaking up rocks in the re-education camp.

She never talks about firing and/or deporting any special counsels investigating her crimes against democracy, admittedly because she never committed any such crimes in the first place, but still.

I find the relative dearth of national security officials warning the nation of her fascist tendencies particularly encouraging. She doesn’t talk like Hitler or praise Hitler or long for “the kind of generals that Hitler had,” which strikes me as a far superior attitude to have about Hitler than, say, her opponent’s.

Whereas you can’t swing a dead cat these days without hitting a four-star general willing to use the f-word to describe Off-Brand Orbán. You might not’ve seen it, but a former Pentagon snack counter clerk just told CNN about the crusty, bronzer-smudged copy of Mein Kampf he found in a restroom stall back in 2019.

Of course, the aforementioned cat would also collide with a veritable legion of institutional Republicans, lining up to normalize the latest depravities as quick as their Turd Emperor can spew ‘em. While Tom Emmer’s sycophancy makes up in enthusiasm what it lacks in finesse, more experienced stooges, like Chris Sununu and Dug Bugman, shuffle from media hit to media hit, regurgitating talking points like the soulless husks they are.

Moses n’ Yertle took things a step further, waggling their crooked fingers at Kamala for stating the obvious. I think it’s kind of adorable that such craven lickspittles imagine they have the right, much less the capacity to shame anyone else.

I suppose the bright side of defending your candidate from accusations of fascism is you finally get to stop defending his bizarre obsession with Arnold Palmer’s (allegedly) massive dong. And shoot, apparently nobody’ll even have time to ask about the model who accused him of groping her “to show off for Jeffrey Epstein.” I guess flooding the zone with shit makes sense when your candidate is a piece of crap.

I’d have to check, but I’m pretty sure Harris never sexually assaulted anyone in an effort to impress a sex trafficker. Or pledged to pardon any domestic terrorists. Or called America the “garbage can for the world.” Or raped anybody. So I’m feelin’ pretty good about that endorsement.

Oh, incidentally, in addition to all the fashy shit, his economic platform would bankrupt Social Security in six years. And you’ll need that money, after his across-the-board tariffs jack up the price you pay for everything from spray-on hair to livestock dewormer. So, fiscally irresponsible, fascist rapist. Got it.

Ah, but an eminently puppetable, fiscally irresponsible, fascist rapist, which explains Elon Musk’s massive, probably illegal, certainly inefficient investment in bribes. Psst, hey Elon, any chance you could cover some of the rally bills your boy has refused to pay, or are you too busy skipping like a dipshit?

Maybe somebody could dip into to the fund amassed from bilking the elderly out of their life savings? Oh, that money is reserved for piss hooker excursions? I understand.

Getting back to Musk real quick, seems he’s gotten into the habit of phoning up Putin, just to talk about boys and clothes, and also throttling Starlink service over Taiwan, as a favor to Xi Jinping. I assume the Bushes trademarked “Axis of Evil,” so maybe we could go with something like, I dunno, Scumfuck Triumvirate? Global Shitwad? We’ll workshop it.

‘Course, we’ve got plenty on our plate domestically. Our don’t-you-dare-call-them-fascist rank and file Republicans are, of course, threatening election workers, necessitating “police snipers and drone patrols” in Maricopa County. Y’know, just like in all the healthiest democracies.

No doubt you’ve seen ads where your local candidate encourages you to make a plan to vote. Well, in Pennsylvania, a particularly enthusiastic 62-year-old named John C. Pollard made a plan to “SKIN (his local poll worker) ALIVE AND USE (his local poll worker’s) SKIN FOR FUCKING TOILET PAPER.” But definitely not in a fascist way.

Other non-fascist MAGA activities this week included flagging voters with “Hispanic-sounding” names as “suspicious” in North Carolina, manufacturing odious deepfakes for Russian military intelligence, and masquerading as a pro-Trump “Black Insurrectionist” to disseminate disinformation over on Elon’s busted, white nationalist playground. Oh, and perhaps a little voter registration fraud in Pennsylvania.

Least fascist of all was Freedom Caucus Chair Andy Harris, who urged North Carolina’s Republican-controlled legislature to simply award the state’s electoral votes to the Velveeta Vulgarian, without bothering with any of that pesky voting. In Andy’s defense, his plan, while terrifyingly anti-democratic, involves the use of no human skin as toilet paper.

At a perhaps-fascist-adjacent rally in Georgia, Tucker Carlson briefly emerged from deplatformed obscurity to foist his psychosexual irregularities on an audience that probably deserved them, meticulously detailing his fantasy wherein America is a “bad girl” in need of a “vigorous spanking” from Daddy Dotard. Pretty pedestrian, as perversions go, but we should note, for history’s sake, just how embarrassing this whole thing has been.

Keeping with that topic, if you ever want to dazzle a death cult, turns out all you have to do is pretend to work at McDonald’s for half an hour. They were gonna have JD Vance play one of the customers, but he was too busy working on his speech complimenting self-professed “Black Nazi” Mark Robinson.

Seems “Judge” Aileen Cannon has bootlicked her way onto the Turd Reich’s Attorney General shortlist. Used to be, you had to invent a whole new type of extra-masculine toilet to get appointed to the highest law enforcement post in all the land, but I guess times change.

As we navigate these unbearably tense final weeks, with the nation teetering on the brink of autocracy, I find it’s more important than ever to slow down, take a deep breath, and enjoy the sweet, slapstick justice the universe has seen fit to unleash upon Rudy Giuliani, who somehow keeps finding new floaters to collide with as he is flushed down history’s commode.

Amerikkka’s Mayor has been ordered to surrender a wide range of his ill-gotten possessions to defamed election workers Ruby Freeman and Shaye Moss, including “a picture of Reggie Jackson and a jersey signed by Joe DiMaggio, along with a 1980 Mercedes previously owned by Lauren Bacall, jewelry and fancy watches from Bulova and Rolex,” but it seems as though court officials failed to uncover that trowel he swiped from Four Seasons Total Landscaping, so take THAT, rule of law!

I see Tulsi Gabbard finally completed her long, tediously stage-managed tap dance around the proverbial horseshoe, performing, with a slightly used KFC spork, the self-lobotomy ritual that officially initiates one into the MAGA Republican Party. Have fun with your new friends, Tulsi! Don’t leave your drink unattended around Matt Gaetz!

Ok, before I sign off for the week, I’m gonna poke around the information superhighway one last time, to see if either candidate reneged on a promise to pay for a murdered soldier’s funeral, maybe in a super racist manner? Cuz that’s a deal-breaker for me, endorsement-wise.

Anyway, HUGE NEWS, for the next 48 hours, all donations to my tip jar/beer fund (now accepting Cash App, Venmo AND PayPal) will receive, oh, why don’t we say a 2000% match from some benevolent billionaire benefactor, who wouldn’t dream of blocking a humble blogger from endorsing during such a crucial election.

Otherwise, share this rant on social media, sign up on the email list, follow @john_luzar…you know the drill. Stay safe out there, chums, we’re almost at the finish line…