Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Sundowning Rapist Demands Nap
Greetings, fellow Enemy Within™️! Hope you enjoyed the lovely autumn week! The crisp weather, the changing of the foliage, the perhaps temporary absence of U.S. military personnel rounding us up into camps for disparaging Dear Leader!
I keep coming back to the boiling frog thing, because we’ve somehow managed to normalize our way into a coin flip for the nuclear codes with a decomposing sex offender whose closing argument is “Harvey Weinstein got schlonged.” All the water has long since vaporized out of our poor pot, and been replaced, with Russian hooker pee, which, it turns out, is really rather unpleasant when heated.
There seems to be a direct correlation between his rapidly declining mental state and his open embrace of naked fascism, so I think we need to consider the possibility that he’s entered into a secret pact with Putin to divvy up Poland. He’ll mention the invasion in passing, about 90 minutes into the American Carnage II: Blitzkrieg Boogaloo inauguration speech, between the snake story and the part where he hits on Katie Britt.
Because he’s fading fast, folks. We’ve arrived at the “applying the bronzer to the entire face is too much trouble” phase. The “Kamala will abolish cows” phase. The “communication is too difficult for me now, but tell ya what, let’s put on some music so y’all can watch me wobble for an hour” phase.
And don’t get me wrong, I’m certainly glad this latest malfunction (which historians have already labeled the Night of the Undulating Dingbat) has jump-started the overdue conversation on cognitive fitness, but honestly, wasn’t that far and away the best version of Donald Trump you’ve ever seen? Shit, let’s get him some rubber pants and find him a farm upstate where he can bop and sway to his broken little heart’s content.
Because in those increasingly rare moments when his brain manages to eke out a little human speech, it’s to threaten to send SEAL Team Six after Adam Schiff and Nancy Pelosi, (THE ICE CREAM FREEZER IS SECURE, REPEAT, SECURE!) or to urge violent retribution against female hecklers.
At a Univision town hall, former registered Republican Ramiro González gave America’s overmatched political media a much-needed journalism lesson, asking Off-Brand Orbán, to his face, to justify his inaction on January 6th, while roving gangs of his subpar supporters rampaged through the Capitol in search of Vice Presidents to lynch.
“You’ve got it all wrong,” responded the Dotard, stopping momentarily, for old times’ sake, to exaggerate the size of the crowd, “It was a day of LOVE.” Which is true enough, I suppose. Love of mob violence. Love of the rapist game show host who grants permission to dress up like a Game of Thrones extra and engage in said violence. Love of…well, call it fascism. Cuz that’s what it is.
Now, obviously, no decent person could justify or defend this shit, which, I suppose, explains how the task fell to Glenn Youngkin, who could barely hack up a little half-assed, Orwell-for-the-borderline-braindead spin before withering under Jake Tapper’s not mad/just disappointed look.
Still, we have a powerful ally, in the fetid wad of Adderall-soaked bologna rotting away between the GOP nominee’s ears. Like, personally, if I needed to win the Rust Belt in order to stay out of prison, I’d avoid shitting on auto workers. If the greatest threat to my candidacy happened to be a millions-strong army of furious women, I might resist the urge to dunk on Nikki Haley, particularly when she’s offering to campaign on my behalf. But then, I’m not a particularly stable genius.
No wonder he won’t release his medical records. Which presumably consist of a yellowed, decades-old certificate for passing a cognitive test, and a single McDonald’s napkin on which someone has hastily scrawled, in crayon, “Held together, barely, with Scotch tape and spite. Could collapse into a pile of slugs at any moment.”
Anyway, I don’t need to tell you that jousting with little kids over the causes of the Civil War can be tiring work, but suffice to say, this Dotard is alllll tuckered out. He’s cancelling interviews left and right during these, the closing days of the campaign, lacking the stamina to even swat at softballs lobbed by the likes of Dan Bongino.
In contrast, Vice President Harris spent the week barnstorming swing states, with a brief interlude to fact-check Bret Baier’s bullshit, right on his own home turf. Got better ratings than Donnie One-Term did, too.
According to Bob Woodward, former Defense Secretary James “Mad Dog” Mattis seconded everything General Mark Milley said about their former boss, you remember, “fascist to the core,” danger to the nation, yadda yadda yadda. Unconfirmed at press time are allegations that H.R. McMaster told Woodward Trump’s “noxious, unendurable flatulance” frequently undermined, and even endangered the national interest, on one occasion sending an unnamed foreign leader’s spouse to the hospital during a state dinner.
Shouldn’t need saying, but Donald Trump is not “the father of IVF,” despite what you may’ve heard to the contrary.
He did, however, yet again offer hush money to Stormy Daniels, so I think we can safely say the ship has sailed on the whole “ever learning anything” thing. Which might explain his unshakable faith in the punitive tariffs every economist alive insist would kidney-punch our economy.
Must be the tariff policy that’s getting all the dudes with swastika flags to turn out for the boat parades. Yup, when I see a bunch of dudes on a boat flying a swastika flag, I think, “wow, those guys sure are passionate about protectionism!”
Former Trump attorney Christina Bobb, who currently works for the RNC, called for a national “cleansing” to “clean out the filth,” in a bizarre rant about Diddy and pedophilia, further demonstrating the American Right’s deep, abiding belief in Donald Trump’s trade policy. Mike Flynn is positively horny to unleash “the gates of hell” upon returning to the White House…on insufficiently taxed imports, surely.
Turns out JD Vance’s financial policy advisor, Aaron Kofsky, leads a secret double life as internet coke fiend “PsychoticMammal,” whose boundless love of substance abuse has led him to fill Reddit with tips n’ tricks for smuggling drugs onto domestic flights. And just like that, Don Jr.’s advocacy for JD’s addition to the ticket makes a little more sense, doesn’t it?
I see Elon Musk is out to pad his Guinness World Record for largest loss of personal fortune in human history, regurgitating the same lies about Dominion Voting Systems that cost his pal Rupert a cool $787 million. All I’m saying is, y’know…get that $100 bribe up front, Pennsylvanians.
Heavily armed Real Americans liberated communities in Tennessee and North Carolina from the tyranny of hurricane relief, in case anybody’s looking for fresh material for our nation’s tourist brochures.
It takes a generational fop to get emasculated by a fella who once made his living putting on itty-bitty leather underpants, dousing himself in baby oil, and pretending to fight, but Donald J. Trump is no ordinary fop.
Following a rally in Coachella, the Trump campaign abandoned hundreds of their most devoted supporters in the middle of a literal fucking desert, offering the latest in a series of clear-as-the-nose-on-your-fucking-face lessons to the least teachable creatures to ever walk on two legs. I assume more than a little cannibalism went down.
Ted Cruz was publicly humiliated this week, though not, for a change, by a presidential candidate he endorsed.
Having apparently run out of convicts, Vladimir Putin turned to his sister shithole, North Korea, for cannon fodder. That’s right there in Chapter 39 of the Superpower Handbook: When Your Three-Day War is Going Really, Really Well.
So yeah. Lil’ wacky out there. Anyhoo, I know you’re getting hit up for donations ninety-six times an hour right now, but know that when I rattle my tip jar, (now accepting Venmo, Cash App and PayPal!) every nickel goes towards not the betterment of the United States, but beer that I won’t even share.
Or, you can post this rant on social media, sign up on the email list at showercapblog.com, and follow @john_luzar for nuthin’! And I’ll just…I dunno, lick a toad or something. We’ll figure it out. Home stretch, folks! Stay safe out there!
Hilarious as always, Cap. And l don’t blame you for not sharing your beer; in today’s political climate, we all need all the sustenance we can get. 🍻
Nicely done once again, Cap. There’s no shortage of insanity in our politics/society so please continue writing about these assholes for many more years if you can stomach it! I’d like to point out the Pope and the entire Catholic Church seems to be cozied up with the racist felonious blob of shit called Donnie…fuck them and every moronic evangelical R voter, too. Vote for peace, sanity and democracy. It’s time to crush these hypocritical liars and haters at the voting booth!!!
Superb. And congratulations on making the trending list at Daily Kos. May it bring you many readers and much beer money.
Hey, Cap, I sure hope that if the worst happens, we at least end up in the same internment camp as you. Your sense of humor will keep us going, just as it has for the past ten years or so. You are truly appreciated in these anxiety-ridden final days before the election.
Pitch perfect as usual, Cap!
Hi Cap, thank you again for another great post, as always I am amused and entertained and informed and energized, and shared it as widely as I could.
One minor quibble though, you keep misspelling Anal Musk’s name. 😉
Speaking seriously of beer: may I draw folks’ attention to the literal trials of a Progressive brewer in a Red area of Wisconsin, who’s been persecuted for being — well, a Progressive small businessman (= bully target) in a Red area of Wisconsin. He’s faced everything from a civil trial to one for “criminal defamation” (quick, kids! See if you can find how many states still have that on the books anywhere else in the 21st century! :D), following an actual ARREST (cuffs, hauled away in a cop car, mug shot, threatened with Contempt if he ever talks about any of it anywhere, etc.) for that. X-P
The Red bullies there are doing everything in their power to bankrupt him and drive him out of the area, and while I can’t vouch for the quality of his brews (and even non-alcohol drinks! Good merch, though!), I gotta love the labels. ;->
Check him out: https://www.minocquabrewingcompany.com/