Wow, is Election Day 2024 really just around the corner? Time sure flies, doesn’t it? Seems like only yesterday we were joyriding around this continent in powdered wigs, talkin’ about self-evident truths and inalienable rights, suddenly we’re watching a septuagenarian rapist drive around in a garbage truck with his name on it.

Longtime readers know I’ve been pretty hard on Donald Trump over the years, over the lying and raping and grifting and inciting of violence, the murderous pandemic mismanagement and the tear-gassing of peaceful protesters, and most especially the monthslong criminal conspiracy to overturn the election he lost, which, you may or may not recall, culminated in that one orgy of traitorous dumbfuck violence. Oh, and all that stuff about wanting to fuck his own daughter, too. That’s pretty gross.

BUT at the last possible moment, an above-the-fold story micro-parsing a statement President Biden made criticizing MAGA’s virulent racism has me reconsidering my entire worldview! Why, I’ve spent so much time poring over the clip, attempting to definitively establish the presence or absence of an apostrophe, I’ve paid no attention whatsoever to the actual candidates’ closing arguments!

Whoever shall I vote for? I’m definitely looking for a candidate who will defend Obamacare, and respect the constitutional order. Also, and this may sound weird, but I’ve always preferred politicians who are physically capable of entering a truck by the passenger side door. Oh! Additionally, I believe Nazis are bad.

There’s more, of course, but that’s a pretty solid starter checklist. Alrighty, lemme get caught up on the news real quick…

…ah. I see.

Well, I suppose the President isn’t really called upon to open too many doors. Just as a matter of executing official duties, I mean.

Outside of that, well, he says he’s not Hitler. Of course, most candidates have little need to issue such denials, (Mark Robinson, your mileage may vary) possibly because they don’t have four-star generals running around, warning the public about their behind-the-scenes Hitler envy.

Anyway, he’s definitely not Hitler. He’s what happens when you order Hitler on Wish. Please understand, America: no effort whatsoever will be made to make sure the trains run on time.

Now, if I were getting regularly compared to Hitler, one thing I would definitely avoid would be hosting a fascist hate rally at Madison Square Garden. Ah, but who am I to deny Stephen Miller the dream he’s nurtured since he was a mere jungend?

God knows, it seems like forever since our domesticated political media found anything newsworthy about these rallies, where a sundowning sex offender babbles incoherently about the deep state plot to ban cows and windows while mandating sex change operations for all, but this was basically White Nationalist Woodstock. No, White Nationalist Woodstock 1999.

“Comedian” Tony Hinchcliffe set the tone with a tight five that probably kills on the cross-burning circuit, but may go down as the most consequential standup set in history, touching off a wave of Harris endorsements, from Bad Bunny to LeBron James, that no preemptively complying billionaire could stop. The best defense the campaign could muster was that they told the creep, “whatever you do, don’t use the ‘C’ word, that’s reserved for Elon.”

And while I’m grateful the headlines finally (FINALLY) focused on the hate, let’s not lose sight of the cringe. Alina Habba, who earned her client a $454 million fraud fine, danced her way to the stage to “All I Do Is Win,” while Byron Donalds preferred the dulcet tones of “Dixie.” But probably the definitive image was disgraced, skulleted pro wrassler (and future Cabinet secretary?) Hulk Hogan, struggling to tear his shirt off, because even roid rage ain’t what it used to be.

The Dotard himself hinted at a secret plan with Speaker Johnson, perhaps to steal the election, perhaps to repeal the Affordable Care Act, (and, apparently, the CHIPS Act) perhaps to sneak ol’ Moses into a teen beauty pageant dressing room. I guess we’ll find out. It’s all part of the fun of sharing your country with a gang of proto-fascist thugs!

Now, you’d think one catastrophic unforced error would be enough for a cognitively declining wannabe dictator, particularly one who continues to bail on scheduled campaign stops, as his finite energy reserves run out, but we’re talking about Donald Trump here. He possesses a nigh-supernatural capacity for fucking up.

And when an adjudicated rapist, particularly one with new accusers surfacing almost daily, tells American women he’ll impose his will upon them “whether the women like it or not,” well, it certainly generates attention.

And so, with the old Access Hollywood tape finally making the rounds amongst the TikTok generation, Off-Brand Orbán’s sexism joins his racism at the front of the electorate’s consciousness, right in the nick of time. Did I mention there’s a new Jeffrey Epstein recording, by the way?

Don’t worry though, ladies, RFK Jr. will “run wild” on women’s health in the Reich to come. Shoot, cranial parasites’ favorite nepo baby says Donnie promised him control of the entire American public health system, which is fairly horrifying, sure, but also…wow, the Shart of the Deal seriously overpaid. Shoot, he offered his endorsement to the Harris campaign in exchange for J.Lo’s phone number and all the rotting whale meat he could eat.

Still, the world’s richest man is doing everything he can think of to get this blundering goof elected. Lucky for us, the best Elon can think of ultimately amounts to skipping like a dipshit, plus maybe a little light human trafficking.

Decades ago, as humanity struggled with many of the same, dark impulses we’re wrestling with this week, Winston Churchill famously said, “I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat.” Now, Musk, in encouraging his adopted nation to swap the prosperity of the Biden/Harris economy for needless “hardship,” has, it seems, been peddling a somewhat, ahem…different fluid.

What else, what ellllllllse…oh, I see Tangerine Idi Amin is suing CBS for (Dr. Evil voice) ten billion dollars, which’ll give us something to laugh about when Alina Habba uses All I Do Is Win as her walk-up music at the South Dakota state fair next year.

I suppose if you’re still willing to give the fascist bastard the benefit of the doubt at this late date, he didn’t technically threaten Liz Cheney with assassination, but merely led his grotesque followers in reveling in the fantasy of her grisly death. That we’re discussing this at all is evidence that the Lügenpresse is desperate to distract us from the so-called apostrophe in Biden’s “garbage” remark. And Hunter Biden’s laptop. And the Bowling Green Massacre, which Kamala Harris financed, with earnings from her (fake) summer job at McDonald’s.

Tucker Carlson was “physically mauled” in his sleep, by a LITERAL DEMON, he claims, in remarks that are definitely not an attempt to get ahead of a story about the 15-year-old girl who escaped from his secret basement spank dungeon.

JD Vance struggled so badly with basic questions during an interview with Jake Tapper, for a moment I thought I was watching footage of Donald Trump attempting to get in a truck.

A moving company has been granted access to Rudy Giuliani’s apartment, after he missed the deadline to turn his man cave treasures over to Shaye Moss and Ruby Freeman, adding yet another crowd-pleasing scene to the inevitable biopic. I’m picturing a heavily made-up Robert Downey Jr., tears mingling with streaked hair dye as repo men pry a Derek Jeter bobblehead from his grasp. Free Oscar.

Polls show a ten point partisan enthusiasm gap in our favor, but do you see any Dems lighting drop boxes ablaze? Or stealing ballots during voting machine tests? Or menacing voters with machetes? Because that’s true passion, folks, no matter what the restraining orders taken out by my last three exes might say.

The wingnut pollsters can flood the aggregates with shit (celebrating Bannon’s release from prison, no doubt) all they like, but the gender gap gets a littler more real every day. And I love that, primarily because it represents my country’s best chance at avoiding descent into fascist kakistocracy, but also because watching the impotent little fits pitched by the Charlie Kirks and Jesse Watters (Watterses?) of the world delights me to no end.

Congratulations go out to the voters of the Louisiana 3rd, who’re poised to reelect a blithering shitwad who hangs around not only sex traffickers, but a dude who was convicted of incest. INCEST. Reliable sources inform me Clay Higgins smuggles his associates into this country on what are known as “ghost buses.”

Ryan James Girdusky’s  career as a CNN commentator may’ve been brief, but at least it was memorably racist, no easy feat in these of all days. Maybe he can land a show on Newsmax, or, depending on how the lawsuit turns out, a gig as a janitor at Dominion.

Hey Poots, far be it from me to offer advice, (obviously, when you’re turning to North Korea for manpower, things’re going stupendously) but maybe if you spent a little less money on cheap, obviously fake videos designed to interfere in our elections, you wouldn’t have shit geysers erupting in the heart of your fucking capital city. Just a thought.

Okay, that’s all I’ve got, friends. I’m definitely leaning Harris at this point, I just need to see her open a car door without tipping over. Obviously, it’ll take exceptionally large quantities of beer to get me through these final, barely endurable hours, so let me rattle the ol’ tip jar, now accepting Cash App, PayPal and Venmo, hopefully for the very last time with Donald Trump as a viable politician.

I leave you in the capable hands of the election data nerds, with their bubbles and their needles. Stay safe out there, and, you know, it probably wouldn’t hurt to vote. Follow @john_luzar, btw.