Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
DEMS SCREAM DEATH AS DRUMPF GOES NUTS!
Things’ve been pretty goddamn nutty for a while now, but today was like if Sid and Marty Krofft directed a Jack Ryan movie set in a Yes album cover. If the goal here is to gaslight the whole country, it is motherfucking WORKING.
Let’s start with the light stuff.
The Associated Press reports H.R. McMaster and other members of the national security team are having the damndest time preventing the Toddler-in-Chief from wandering off to have secret meetings with Putin, to give away state secrets or blow up Germany or who the fuck knows what. Maybe you should get him one of those child leashes, H.R.!
Yeah, that’s what passes for “light stuff” these days, heaven help us all.
The Hollywood Reporter* tells us that Rupert Murdoch wanted Fox News to use their influence on the behalf of “anyone but Trump…even Hillary,” during last year’s election, marking the first time in your life when you really wish Rupert Frickin’ Murdoch got what he wanted. Stopped clocks and all that.
*I know, right? We’ll be reading about this shit in Cat Fancy and Lowrider before we’re done.
I guess Sunny D-Bag broke with tradition in declining the NAACP’s invitation to speak at their convention, presumably once Bannon told him what the “CP” stands for. (Drumpf has been hoping it was “Chocolate Pretzels,” and that, as President, he would be entitled to a second helping of samples, and possibly also to meet Willy Wonka.)
Kris Kobach & his Kooky Kulling Komission got together yesterday, and Kris was all WE MAY NEVER KNOW if Hillary got 3 million more popular votes, even though we know it right now. “It’s likely to remain one of life’s great mysteries,” Kobach said, “Like who won the World Series in 1985, or Are Pandas Real?”
Made in America Week continues to go swimmingly, as Carrier, that air conditioning manufacturer that Dorito Mussolini loves to brag about, laid off a few hundred workers to ship their jobs to Mexico. Oh, and Marm-a-Lago picked this week to ask for permission to hire 70 new foreign workers. Whoever’s in charge of messaging for these clowns clearly deserves a bonus.
Exxon Mobil got slapped with a $2 million fine for violating sanctions against Russia while under the leadership of Russian Order of Friendship recipient/Current Secretary of State Rex Tillerson. Having the entire nation’s diplomacy overseen by a dude who violated sanctions with a major rival is pretty normal, no matter what the LAMESTREAM MEDIA tells you, right? Anyhow, I bet this’ll make Exxon think twice about ignoring sanctions for the sake of their billions and billions of dollars worth of oil development rights over there…I could be wrong, it’s been awhile since I’ve had a math class.
Speaking of Russia and money, didja see that Paul Manfort just so happened to hold 17 million bucks worth of debt laundered through Cyprus and owed to pro-Russian interests right before he took over Shartboy’s campaign, and amended the official GOP platform to ease up on all that Ukraine-related Russia punishment? There are so many wacky coincidences here, you’d feel your intelligence was being insulted if this weren’t real life. (Manafort demanded a retraction; NYT responded by telling him to kiss their Dying Print Butthole.)
And then a late story from the Wall Street Journal says Mueller is investigating Paulie for possible money laundering. ZANY. BUT WILL TONY AND ANGELA EVER GET TOGETHER?
A whistleblower by the name of Joel Clement took to the pages of the Washington Post to sound the alarm that Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke wants in on some of that sweet administrative-state-dismantlin’ action his buddies Rex n’ Scotty are always talking about in the lunchroom. Zinke’s transferring all those pesky scientists to new jobs outside their fields of expertise, sometimes to new states (at taxpayer expense, naturally) cuz you don’t really need scientists when all you’re about is figuring out ways to give national parks away to fossil fuel companies. Actually, I’m told they get kinda bitchy about that sort of thing. Off to the mines with them, then.
And then the Neanderthal grifters running Interior pulled a couple of climate change experts off a Mark Zuckerberg tour of Glacier National Park, because Science goes away if you shut your eyes real tight, cover your ears, and go “nahnahnahnahnah” real loud.
Yeah, the Shart Administration may be failing on countless fronts, but they’re doing pretty well with their little War on Competence.
Anyhow, President Shartcannon decided it’d been awhile since he last had a peanut butter and bath salt sandwich and sat down to jabber at the Failing New York Times, so he made sure he had fresh bowl of poo to throw at the wall, and gave Maggie Haberman, Peter Baker, and Michael S. Schmidt a ring.
They talked about parades, and holding hands with boys, and imaginary media friends who said he gave the Best Speech Ever in Poland, and Napoleon, and…shit, this can’t all be real, can it?…”giving the farmers back their farms,” and…are we sure this wasn’t Alec Baldwin?…how the gas attacks in Syria were bigger under Dumb Ol’ Obama and how Comey tried to blackmail him with the pisshooker dossier and…and…I guess Rod Rosenstein can’t be trusted cuz he’s from Baltimore?…and…fuck, I can’t read anymore of this shit, my brain will run screaming from my skull.
Oh, and he apparently thinks health insurance costs 12 bucks a year. Yup. Half a tank of gas, you get health insurance. Skip one latte every four months, get all the tumors you want, we’ll remove ’em free of charge. You wonder if it ever occurs to him, in that walnut-sized brain, what the big fucking deal about health care is if you can get a lifetime’s worth for the price of a 16th row seat to a Miley Cyrus concert. (Or, for that matter, how insurance companies stay open charging their customers less than Dunkin’ Donuts charges for a stale cruller.)
The BIG headline was, of course, SCROTUS shitting all over his Loyal Huntin’ Dawg, Beauregard, for recusing himself from the Russia investigation.
Yup, La Grande Sharte is 31 flavors of pissed off at Jeff Sessions. After all, he has been seriously derelict in his duties as Attorney General, which, as we all know, are covering up the President’s crimes for him, up to and including personally destroying evidence, and also probably cutting his Presidential toenails every few months, once they start poking holes in his socks.
Despite being absolutely humiliated by his boss in the press, Sessions has refused to resign, partially because the last remnants of his spine liquified sometime last summer, and partially because goshdarnit, he’s just havin’ too much good old-fashioned country-boy FUN sending a fresh new generation of young men of color into the prison-industrial complex with his renewed War on Drugs.
Still, rumor is the President is considering sending Sessions to live on a farm, where he’ll have plenty of space to run around and administer an asset forfeiture program among the chickens and cows.
And of course Il Douche did one of his patented plausible-deniability dances about firing Special Counsel Robert Mueller. He hinted that investigations into his personal finances would be an intolerable line to cross.
And then we found out that Mueller is indeed investigating Shart Garfunkel’s personal finances, from the Miss Universe pageant to his shady oligarch real estate deals, to whether the change in the Oval Office sofa cushions is in rubles.
In the aftermath of their dirtbag boss throwing Sessions under a bus (and not just a regular bus, but like, a bus with monster truck wheels, with like, spikes on the tires and shit. Like, a fucking Mad Max bus), CNN reports a “chilling effect” among the President’s staff.
Turns out, giving your loyalty to a rampaging criminal shitsack with a decades-long history of fucking other people over while protecting his own ass at any cost might not be the best career move. HUH. I for one am simply overwhelmed with sympathy for those colluding fucks. I’ll send you cookies in jail.
I guess at the G-20 summit, Akie Abe, Japan’s First Lady, literally pretended she didn’t speak English over the course of an entire two-hour dinner just to avoid talking to our Idiot Manchild President until he walked out of her life forever. I have never been more jealous of any human being in my entire fucking life.
John K Bush, a lunatic hate blogger who thinks World Net Daily is a news source, was confirmed to the 6th Circuit Court of Appeals today. Lifetime appointment. Barf. While it’s funny as fuck to watch these assclowns flounder about in futile attempts to pass any legislation more significant than post office naming, they’re still fucking up the judiciary, so, y’know…VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS.
On the health care front, we’re getting CBO scores left and right these days. I found the CBO score for a dream Rand Paul had where he was riding a pink dinosaur while denying medical treatment to serfs. It would add 38 million to the rolls of the uninsured by 2033, many of which, the CBO admitted, would be eaten by Velociraptors. Mitch McConnell had a Jimmy Dean sausage biscuit for breakfast this morning that will increase the number of uninsured by 12 by 2018, and 29 by 2026.
Anyhow, they’re voting next Tuesday, even though they don’t know which version they’re fucking voting on, some sort of monstrous Mr. Potato Head murder-and-tax-cuts bill. John Cornyn, a man I am told is somehow a United States Senator, says that telling the American people, or even the Senators voting, what’s in a bill before voting on it is “a luxury we don’t have.” Because that’s how the Founding Fathers always intended the American government to work.
Maybe they’ll just agree to a resolution declaring Ted Cruz to be an asshole, and we can all fucking move on.
Meanwhile CNN tells us (man, we really heard from everybody today, didn’t we?) that Kushner-family-owned companies are still using Jar-Jar’s name and status to scare up Chinese investors. No word on what will happen to the Kushner brand once Jocular Jared is jailed.
Aaaaaaaaaaaand just when you thought it was safe to look away for a moment, you got hit with dueling Times/Post articles about the Candycorn Skidmark’s legal team desperately attempting to remove or discredit Bob Mueller, because there’s not a lot else you can do when your client is as fucking guilty as the one they’ve got.
I guess the best they can come up with is a few of the lawyers on Mueller’s team made some donations to Democrats, and Mueller himself is a apparently orchestrating the entire fraudulent Russia scandal cuz of a years-old grudge over membership fees at a golf club? Hmmm. Methinks perhaps you’re projecting your personal pettiness, pals.
Oh, and the word is Toupee Fiasco is putting out feelers as to whether or not he’s allowed to pardon himself and his family, no big deal, asking for a friend.
Yeah. We’ve gone from “No collusion, and how dare you bring it up” to “Hey, I can pardon myself, right?” in, what? A week and a half? Is America great again yet?
And a couple of Drumpf’s lawyers quit or were fired tonight. It never fucking stops, does it?
I know I probably missed some shit, there’s always more these days, but forgive me, I already feel like I’ve been locked in a dryer for five hours with six cats. I need to do something to relax…like maybe an 8-ball.