Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Ruminations on Failure, Spellchecking, and Madness
Well, today we were treated to a fresh installment of the Roving Holiday where we get to read dozens of columns, think pieces, finger-pointing interviews, and leak-fueled-behind-the-scenes reenactments about yet another colossal failure by Donald J Trump (The “J” stands for “Emotionally Stunted Assclown”) and the Washington Generals of politics, the McConnell/Ryan Republican Party.
After the latest attempt at his “Silly Plebes, Health Care is for Millionaires” Bill collapsed last night for being insufficiently murderous for the likes of Mike Lee and Rand Paul, Majority Leader Yertle pulled the old Straight Repeal and We’ll Totally Replace Later, Wink Wink alternative out of his drawer. “Let’s just do it, and be legends,” McConnell allegedly shouted, before doing a Jell-O shot out of Roy Blunt’s navel.
But that shitty plan fell apart before the daytime soaps were over, with Senators Murkowski, Collins and Capito turning McConnell over on his back, and laughing as he swayed from side to side in an attempt to right himself.
And now Rush Limbaugh is mad at all the Lady Senators for refusing this stimulus package for the funeral home industry, because they are Sluts for Librul Big Government Health Care and Also Not Wanting Their Constituents’ Lives to be Nasty, Brutish and Short the Way God Intended It.
Anyway, the circular firing squad is, as per usual, absolutely fucking hilarious. Word is, instead of whipping votes for the Obama-shafting victory he is so pathetically desperate for, the Shart of the Deal had dinner not with persuadable fence-sitters, but with a group of solid yeses, and had no idea Moran and Lee were about to shit in the succotash I am told was served. This is likely because he’s a clownish figurehead that no one, not even members of his own party, respects or fears.
And overnight, Mitch McConnell has transformed from Nth-Level Political Grandmaster to That Jowly Dickhead Who Couldn’t Pass the One Thing Republicans Have Been Promising For 8 Fucking Years. Ron Johnson pointedly wouldn’t say he had faith in Gamara’s Bastard Offspring’s leadership abilities, strong words from a dude who needs interns to tie his neckties for him.
Desperate for an excuse to congratulate himself, Il Douche mused that the bill would have passed 48-4 if there were no such thing as Democrats. Now, even that probably isn’t true, as more centrists would certainly have defected after the latest CBO score, but I have to say that watching him try to spin such a massively humiliating defeat as a super-impressive victory is…sexually arousing.
Tangerine Idi Amin was extra pissy already, because he had to certify that Iran was still complying with Dumb Ol’ Obama’s nuclear agreement. Because he’s a perpetually-colicky man-baby motivated solely by undoing his predecessor’s accomplishments because he was mean at the Correspondent’s Dinner, he threw a tantrum for the better part of an hour about how he didn’t WANNA certify the Iran deal, finally relenting when H.R. McMaster told him he could hire hookers to pee on Obama’s favorite bushes in the Rose Garden.
And hey, we learned the identity of the mysterious “8th Man” in the meeting Kid Shart’s been lying so hard about. Dude’s name is Ike Kaveladze, and he’s been implicated in laundering Russian oligarch money through real estate, which is a zany coincidence, because of all of the Russians who have bought real estate from the Drumpf family. By the time Mueller’s done, I expect we’ll learn the meeting was also attended by Nikita Khrushchev, Nikolai Volkoff, and Oddjob.
Oh, and the Hotel-Formerly-Known-as-Trump in Toronto finally scraped his shitty little name off their building, though tourists report a lingering smell of hair tonic and burger farts.
Shit, we’re even reading about how much people hate SCROTUS on fucking GOLF WEBSITES now, as his course’s hosting of the U.S. Women’s open over the weekend seems to have driven down both ratings and live attendance. That’s right, Shartboy, even your truest love, GOLF, fucking loathes you.
We learned a number of unsavory things about Steve Bannon from Joshua Green’s new book. It seems Darth Wino called Paul Ryan a “limp-dick motherfucker who was born in a petri dish at the Heritage Foundation,” which is not an altogether unfair description of the Speaker. Other fun factoids include Bannon’s propensity for building nests made from his own saliva and copies of Bill O’Reilly novels in the corner of his office, and that he eats by vomiting a mixture of acid and cheap gin on his food to dissolve it, since his teeth rotted out decades ago from drinking paint thinner.
Dana Rohrabacher took a moment in a hearing today to ask a NASA scientist if…wait, this can’t be right…if it’s possible there was an ancient civilization, thousands of years ago…on…Mars? And, I guess, if maybe they were still around and had developed a trade with Earth scientists to supply them with child sex slaves in exchange for weather control technology, who the fuck knows? And seriously, WHO THE FUCK VOTES FOR THESE CLEARLY INSANE PEOPLE?
The Shart House announced Jon Huntsman as their choice for Ambassador to the Coolest and Sexxiest Country on Earth, Run By That Dreamy Bald Fellow Who Makes All the Other Presidents Swoon, I’m Talkin’ About Russia, UNH. Of course, they didn’t even manage to get Huntsman’s name right in their announcement, because SPELL-CHECKING IS FOR CUCKS.
Oh, and Chris Christie got good and righteously booed when he caught a foul ball at the Mets game tonight, possibly the noblest act in the entire history of Mets fandom.
Aaaaaaaaand just for good measure, I guess we just found out that the Velveeta Urinal Cake had an undisclosed meeting with Daddy Vlad after a dinner at the G-20. But don’t worry, he didn’t have a single other American present, even a translator, and his administration didn’t tell anyone about it until they got caught, as is their habit.
Nothing to worry about, I’m sure. They probably just talked about murdering journalists and destroying NATO. Y’know. Locker room talk.
And I guess Denny Hastert is out of jail? Fucking hell. I say it a lot, I know, but…shit be cray, people.