Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Despotism, Defeat, Disease and Death: As a Closing Argument, It’s…Unconventional
For a moment, it looked like things might almost quiet down a bit for the home stretch, but now it’s sweeps week, motherfuckers, and 2020 is here to deliver one final atomic wedgie before leaving us to our fate. Look, we all know time’s gonna pass glacially between now and next Tuesday, so you may as well wade through the sewage with me…
Voting Early for Joe Biden is the hottest thing goin’ these days; it’s a legit blockbuster with 792% on Rotten Tomatoes; Zombie Roger Ebert calls it “Raw Americana so goshdarn heartwarming it’d make Frank Capra splooj right in his pants.” Our coalition, the Legion of the Decent, are turning the fuck OUT. We are making our voting plans and seeing them through. We are triple-checking that our ballots have arrived safely and been accepted. 2016 is not a lesson we’ll need twice, thank you very much.
But if you’ve been waiting to mail in your ballot, unfortunately the time to safely vote by mail has passed. Louis DeJoy, uncharacteristically for a Trump appointee, actually did the job he was hired for; regrettably that job was sabotaging the Post Office in order to make it harder to vote. SO, especially if you live in a swing state, you need to either drop your ballot off at an approved location, or vote in person. Do not trust the mail at this late date. (We’re having all the fun, here in Donald Trump’s Amerikkka, aren’t we?)
And if you’re looking to scratch that “I should be doing more, dammit!” itch, Shower Cap’s Fascist-Flushing 2020 Action Guide is still right here waiting to funnel your last-minute donations to the Dem candidates who need ‘em most.
Now, you probably see the coronavirus outbreak as an enormous, largely preventable, American tragedy, one that has ended nearly a quarter of a million lives, crushed the economy, and caused immeasurable human suffering, but from another point of view, the pandemic is merely An Extremely Unfair Thing That is Happening to Donald Trump Personally. Admittedly that perspective is completely deranged, but it’s the official position of the President of the United States, so we have to take it seriously, at least until we get through Election Day without any airstrikes ordered on “urban” polling places.
In fairness, it certainly must be challenging, seeking re-election in the midst of a disaster one has caused directly, but then, one had ample opportunities to listen to Dr. Fauci, or to follow the Obama/Biden pandemic playbook, but instead, one decided to stick one’s tiny, inadequate fingers in one’s ears, and pretend the problem didn’t exist, didn’t one?
Y’know, Government Cheese Goebbels really can be quite creative when it comes to developing authoritarian solutions for his political problems. His latest bit of despotic brainstorming led him to propose that media coverage of the pandemic be outlawed under campaign finance laws, and I guess objective truth does work in your opponent’s favor when you’re the most massively murderous failure in American history, sure, but if you’re worried about your enemies using your record against you, maybe try fucking up less.
Anyhoo, if you really want to keep the pandemic off the front page, Dotard, may I suggest going at least a month between outbreaks at the White House? This time it’s Mike Pants’ staff that COVID-19 is tearing through like oral herpes through Spinal Tap (in the outtakes, anyway). Mark Meadows tried to hide this shit from the public, indeed from rally attendees, which seems kinda homicidal, but Mikey Hairshirt was never gonna stop holding these superspreader events; the loyal supporters he infects this week won’t die until long after their votes have been counted, so fuck ‘em, right?
The Emperor of Hemorrhoids himself remains the coronavirus’ very best friend, with his creepy little rage parties linked to outbreaks all over the country, including three just in the state of Minnesota. God, the madness of that. He was never going to win Minnesota, it was never anything but ego-stroking folly to set foot in the state at all, oh well, a few hundred people are sick, a few dozen will die, ho hum, is Hannity talking about me tonight?
Now, I’ve grown accustomed to a level of pure radioactive madness that would kill an ordinary man, but watching this Adderall-addled slug slither through the country, belching up lies and plague to audiences that eagerly devour both like ravenous baby birds, it’s…it’s a bit much, friends. I think I saw George Orwell pop up for a minute, as a Force Ghost; he took everything in, muttered something about being “too old for this shit,” and vanished.
I never thought one man’s pathological refusal to admit error could cause so much carnage, but then, I never understood how many American lives Mitch McConnell and his ilk would be willing to swap for a few more years of minority tyranny. And so we’ve lost control of the virus so completely that states are once again talking about rationing care, just like in the darkest days, a goddamn lifetime ago. It shouldn’t be possible to bring the United States this low, yet here we are.
Meanwhile, Meadows’ final message to the electorate is an extremely public proclamation of surrender to the coronavirus, I guess cuz why not try honesty, if only for novelty’s sake? Yup, dude actually went on the Sunday Shoz to confess the crisis is simply too much for his team of braindead grifters to handle, feebly adding, “On a personal level, COVID-19 straight up kicked my ass. It took my lunch money and forced me to watch as it made sweet love to my wife, pleasuring her in ways I could never hope to.”
Shit, no wonder there’re veritable flocks of Unnamed Poosquirt Administration Sources engaging in a rousing game of Pin the Blame on the Chief of Staff lately. Yeah, I guess things have gotten extra shitty with rat turd sprinkles on top since Mark took over from the last babysitter, but if any of you anonymous enablers imagine you’re escaping accountability, well, good luck navigating the circular firing squad to come.
Anyway, seems Marky Mark was the mastermind (and I use the term extremely lightly) behind the plot to stave off the flight of senior voters from the GOP with last-minute $200 bribes, remember that? Cleverly, he announced the payoff publicly before making sure he could actually deliver it, and, because he is an incompetent clown incapable of pouring himself a bowl of cereal without serious risk of hospitalization, it turns out he can’t make good. I wouldn’t worry about it, bro; people LOVE being lied to, especially about money.
Meadows is not exactly a wartime consigliere, y’know what I’m sayin’?
I mean, other members of Team Turdmaggot are at least making an effort, y’know? Michael Caputo didn’t let an extremely public breakdown stop him from developing plans to spend 250 million taxpayer dollars deploying “Santa Claus performers” as a vaccine-distributing army.
Good god, what toads are these blithering fuckwits licking? Hey, maybe before implementing your Ernst Stavro Blofeld scheme to weaponize mall Santas, why, for the love of God, WHY don’t you give masks, social distancing, and contact tracing a try? WHY ARE NONE OF THESE PEOPLE EVEN CONSIDERING THE SHIT THAT WORKS?
…follow-up question, why is anyone voting to re-elect this Clowncar Full of Pig Anuses, these anti-competent crotchwarts that have spent the year actively obstructing solutions that have worked everywhere else in the world? It’s a cult, I get that, but…as ol’ Handsome Joe would say, “C’mon, man…”
Well, maybe Rudy Giuliani can get a refund on that Make Your Own Comey Letter kit he ordered off a 2 a.m. informercial, cuz it looks like he won’t be delivering any October surprises this year, outside of Borat films, anyhow. A last minute attempt to launder his bullshit disinformation through the Wall Street Journal’s editorial page fell apart, because apparently there’s still a mirror or two remaining in even a Murdoch-owned newsroom.
But the closing argument isn’t just mass graves and foreign meddling, and Jared Kushner clearly wants the movement to return to its roots, as the primal, racist tantrum of the white and subpar. See, Kushner thinks Black Americans are just too lazy and ungrateful to appreciate all Hairplug Himmler has done for them. Subtle.
It’s obviously super-welcome, particularly here in the economy Kushner and his idiot manchild father-in-law destroyed, this lecture from a mewling dilettante who was born on third base and thinks he built the stadium by hand. Well, I suppose it’s the plebs’ own fault for not pulling themselves up by the bootstraps and using the official foreign policy of the United States government as collateral to bail out their dipshit family’s gargantuan real estate screwups. You’re the American dream in (semi) human form, Jar-Jar.
I see the NRCC is now openly embracing QAnon, funding Marjorie Taylor Greene’s campaign, despite her safe seat and lack of opponent, because hey, they liked it, so they put a ring on it. Those’re some rad priorities you’ve got there, Republicans; maybe you can hold the next RNC in Guyana.
And yes, Amy Coney Barrett, that nutty theocrat, has been confirmed to the Supreme Court, and I’m sure she can hardly wait to start rapping our heathen knuckles. Sure does suck. Doesn’t seem fair, cuz it’s not. I sure am grateful for the proximity of an opportunity to electorally punish this power-mad white supremacist death cult, aren’t you?
Having successfully completed his heist, like a jowlsy, decomposing Danny Ocean, Wrinkly Gamera gaveled the Senate into recess, with nary a concern for the millions of Americans suffering the consequences of his party’s disastrous failings. You didn’t think they’d pass a needed coronavirus relief bill, didja? Silly Rabbit, Republican power grabs are for plutocrats! The whole POINT is keeping the filthy masses in their place!
What a time to be alive. Fuck.
Anyway, this is the last time I’ll be begging y’all for money for a spell, because the Kickstarter for my second comic book, MINE, must end Thursday morning! Check out our info page, there’s a nifty little trailer and everything. And hey, thanks so much for your support and encouragement over the years; it’s dream I’d never have even chased without you folks. I owe ya. Truly.
Just a heads up, I’ll be tweaking the blog schedule a bit, as I imagine everyone will have other shit on their plate next Tuesday evening. Tentatively, the plan is to do one final pre-election blog on Monday night, but we’ve all seen what 2020 does to plans.
One way or another, I’ll see y’all this coming Friday. Stay safe out there, Resisters! Also, VOTE! Kinda sucks that it’s tough to do both at once, but this is, after all, Hell.