- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Dissecting the Conservative Brain During the Age of Coronavirus
So, how’re you holding up under quarantine? Is your family driving you mad yet? Are you beginning to entertain Saw film fantasies about your spouse/parent/child/roommate? Feel free to discuss your grotesque, labyrinthine, plots in the comments; don’t worry, superhero blogger/client confidentiality rules apply. In the meantime, the real horror is, as always, the news.
Looking through my outline for tonight’s piece, I noticed that the headlines from the past few days have laid bare many of the deficiencies of the modern Republican mindset. Therefore, it’s THEME NIGHT here at Shower Cap’s blog, as we will pick through the conservative brain, looking for ticks and explanations, while we wait for the scientists to distill their anti-COVID serum from Diet Mountain Dew and Tom Hanks’ blood.
We’ll start with the low-hanging fruit. When last we met, Doctor Dotard had just prescribed a sunshine and bleach cocktail for the corona that ails ya, and sure enough, MAGA nation treated America’s poison control centers and emergency rooms to a surge in “is it ok if I swallow Clorox?” calls and even “whoops I swallowed Clorox without asking first” visits. So the first observable trait of the conservative mind is that it just doesn’t work very well.
The Daily Propaganda Spew itself seems to be a casualty of InjectLysolDirectlyIntoYourEyeballgate, as Weehands McNodick’s handlers have finally convinced him to back off before he accidentally tells his followers they can treat COVID-19 by pounding their foreheads with the claw end of a hammer. I’m sure he’ll still waddle out to bellow and whine from time to time, but for now it appears America’s longest, shittiest, and most dangerous clown show is more or less cancelled.
Many of the more regrettable powers wielded by Hairplug Himmler are those delegated to him as commander-in-chief of the United States Armed Forces. Deprived of the Klan rallies he so desperately needs to keep his fragile ego inflated, he’s un-canceling West Point’s graduation ceremonies, and ordering 1000 cadets back to serve as his captive audience in obviously unsafe conditions while he rants about his media coverage and Hillary Clinton getting debate questions in advance. Seems like a piss-poor reason to risk lives to me; anyone who dies because a deranged game show host felt like using them as a self-aggrandizing prop for an hour or so is gonna be the laughingstock of Valhalla. At any rate, here we see another fundamental trait of the Trumpian brain: homicidally sociopathic selfishness.
Team Shitmaggot petulantly attempted to order CNN reporter Kaitlan Collins to give up her front row seat in the Shart House briefing room and switch with a reporter in the back (both refused, yet another tally mark in Littlefinger’s miles-long L column), a near-perfect manifestation of the mashup of authoritarianism and pettiness at the heart of this demented worldview. It was like if Mussolini and a middle manager at the Comcast call center had a kid.
Meanwhile Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton helpfully demonstrated the long-term effects of allowing your mind to fester for years in a simmering stew of self-righteousness and prejudice. In Tom’s hate-warped brain, it actually seemed like a good idea to go on Fux Nooz to demand that American universities cease teaching Chinese students science. That happened. In the real world. “Shakespeare and the Federalist Papers” are still okay though, but I think we need to follow up with the Senator’s office, get some clarification. Is a business major permissible, or can we afford the risk to America’s strategic stockpile of shift management techniques?
Now, Tom’s dumbshit proposal is of course hellaciously racist, but please don’t ignore the fact that it’s also gobsmackingly stupid. This dolt is a U.S. Senator. This is an idea he had that he felt was good enough to share with the whole world on live television. He thinks mom should stick this one to the fridge with her best magnet. Lord. Tells you everything you need to know about Cotton and the malicious twerps who platform him that all they have to offer during this global crisis is a little more fuel for the fires of hatred, while countless Asian and Asian-American health care professionals risk their lives daily.
Famed Arizona Republiclown Kelli Ward has figured out how to dupe the lamestream librul media, proposing Operation: Trojan Nurse, in which astroturfed anti-quarantine protesters would clothe themselves not in Confederate flags, but the garb of health care providers! Wow, and you totally woulda gotten away with it, Kelli, if you hadn’t POSTED YOUR MASTER PLAN RIGHT ON FUCKING TWITTER, and also if this flock of rectal boils could actually pass for medical professionals, and wouldn’t get tripped up by the first reporter who asked “so which side of the body is the heart on, Doc?” The conservative mind is not as clever as it believes itself to be.
Meanwhile Kim Jong-un has become Schrödinger’s Dictator, somehow both alive and dead, and also, mysteriously, existing on some levels of reality as a strawberry cheesecake Jell-O pudding cup. This story does not, as you will note, fit neatly in with the blog’s theme, which upsets no one more than me, I assure you.
But I can get right back on track with the tale of Audrey Whitlock, a leader of the North Carolina cell of the Your Life For My Haircut crowd. Audrey is throwing quite the little tantrum that she was forced to quarantine after testing positive for COVID-19, painting herself as a modern-day George Washington willing to (make you) die for her right to spread contagion throughout her community, potentially killing her neighbors over an impulse trip down to the corner shop for some vape pens and an Almond Joy. This gets to heart of a key aspect of the Republican psyche, the perversion of the very concept of liberty, where your “freedom” to indulge your slightest whim is more important than your fellow humans’ lives.
So, let’s take a look at that perversion on the macro level. Now, Republicans are really in a pickle these days. Their whole November strategy, basically “Lookit This Sexxxy Economy Who Needs Decency or Democracy Anyhow,” ran into the coronavirus buzzsaw, because asking the 26 million newly-unemployed if they’re better off than they were four years ago suddenly seems like a shit plan. Now, a functioning brain would say, hey, let’s emulate New Zealand here. Let’s ramp up testing. Let’s enforce strict, universal, lockdown policies as long as we have to, and then, once we’ve got shit under control, we can ease back into something resembling normal life, in a careful, orderly, fashion. Let’s stay safe and save lives.
Ah, but this is not how the Republican mind works! Long-term planning eludes the conservative almost completely. Sacrificing comfort today to ensure a better tomorrow simply does not register as a viable possibility. The cost TODAY is all that matters. And that’s why the GOP, in its giddiness to push the serf class back out the door and into potentially lethal working conditions, isn’t focused on procuring the testing or protective equipment needed to keep people safe, but rather on shielding employers from liability for the inevitable ensuing avalanche of infections. Yes, they know we will get sick by the millions if we go back to work now. They don’t care about that, they care about your boss getting sued for putting your life in danger in the first place.
Indeed, the Velveeta Vulgarian announced today that he’ll sign an executive order compelling meat packing plants to remain open, creating a zone as free of legal consequences for the owners as it of PPE for the rank-and-file workers. And yes, you’re not dreaming, this is already an industry that’s been hit hard by the coronavirus, with outbreaks in numerous plants leading to shutdowns. There’s no mandate to create safer working conditions, of course, just Git Out There and Work Till You Die, Peasants. Now I see Iowa Governor Kim Reynolds proclaiming that any plebs who don’t feel like showing up for work in the hot zone will be ineligible for unemployment, since they value their own worthless lives more than her precious economy. Guess which political party Kim’s a member of?
Politico reports, “tens of millions of pounds of American-grown produce is rotting in fields as food banks across the country scramble to meet a massive surge in demand,” because the Republican commitment to moronic axioms like “government is the problem, not the solution,” means they can’t, or won’t, use the powers of government to help the American people even when government is the clear, best, or even ONLY FUCKING SOLUTION. This is Shitty Wonderland, my friends; Lewis Carroll has switched from opium to basement-lab meth. I would very much like to leave.
Above all else, the Trumpian mind is consumed at all hours by nagging resentments, leaving little room for stupid cuck shit like “doing your job as President of the United States.” That’s how you wind up with our own Adderall-Addled Assclown, shuffling around in the midst of the pandemic whose spread he enabled at every turn, unmoved by the massive list of vital, life-saving, tasks he’s still fucking neglecting all these weeks later, instead devoting his time to screeching into the void his longstanding grievances about journalists and their unjustly-won “Noble Prizes.”
Someday, some intrepid adventurer will risk their life attempting scale the colossal mountain of evidence that Tangerine Idi Amin knew about the dangers of the coronavirus weeks in advance of doing anything about it, opting instead to golf and lie while the little fucker spread throughout the populace. Now we’ve learned the intelligence community was screaming DO SOMETHING, YOU MALODOROUS SCATMOUND in the President’s Daily Brief as far back as January. But you see, the President doesn’t LIKE reading, and therefore 59,000 Americans (and counting) had to die. Again, his momentary displeasure > your life. We passed 1,000,000 officially documented cases yesterday, by the way.
Vice President Mike Pants took himself a little field trip to the Mayo Clinic, pointedly refusing to follow their requirement that everyone wear a mask, and if some enterprising viral beatniks happened to hitch a ride on Mikey Hairshirt back to his place of business, wouldn’t that just be a shame? Here we see the Veep valuing the approval of his Turd Emperor over his own health, or the health of the millions who (tragically, inexplicably) look to him as a role model during this outbreak. Mike was never too bright to begin with, and now his brain is just full-on broke.
And now Government Cheese Goebbels wants to tie coronavirus relief funding to immigration policy, his latest stab at blackmailing states into abandoning sanctuary city laws. You see here that the Trumpian mind is incapable of learning, returning to the corrupt quid pro quo well even after getting impeached for such behavior just a few short weeks ago.
(Oddly, there do not seem to be any such strings attached to the $96.1 million bailout his big donor buddy (a dude named Monty Bennett, I guess because “Beaufort Whitecastle” was taken) snuck through a loophole in the PPP fund intended to help small businesses.)
In conclusion, the Early 21st Century Trumpist Conservative Republican Mind is a dark and damaged thing, a diseased clump of misfiring neurons incapable of empathy, logic, or even simple math; it is, in short, the mind of a Giant Burning Asshole. I certainly hope none of y’all are locked up with one right now. Which brings us back to Saw. And with that, I sign off…stay safe out there, Shower Captives!
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
I’m doing fine, Cap, thanks for asking. As a retired person and living in the basement of my son and daughter-in-law’s house (karma, not being a bitch) my life hasn’t changed drastically, or really not very much at all due to Covid19. I go to the grocery store once a week in a borrowed car (don’t own one) and since my physical therapist has kept her office open, I see her biweekly. I have a few cats, a horse and a pony with which to hang out and your interesting and well-written blog to read. As a vegan, I don’t care if all the slaughter houses shut down – in fact I hope they do, but I’m more than a little sad to hear that vegetables and fruits are going to waste. I don’t know what the future holds for me, however I’m disinclined to worry about that which I can’t effect. So, yeah, I’m good.
I’ll figure out later, maybe, if this blog isn’t more brilliant this time because you found a better brand of beer or if recent clownshow perversions were coming through extra thick, but this was unusually brilliant, Cap. The media didn’t quite bring out the dementia of the West Point scheduling as well as you, for example. Poker-faced reporting didn’t quite do it justice. Anyway, stay online! I can’t drink, it upsets my shaky vestibular faculties.
I thought that I had ordered your illustrated novel, but if I hadn’t, fleas bill me and Il sen you the cash. Also i would like to order your second one.
You are a star and I read EVERY INSTALLMENT WITH GLEE.
Pierre
Although I continue to feel scared and depressed about our failing Democracy, Cap always manages make me laugh out loud once or twice while reading his excellent take on this nightmare we are sharing – and that gives me hope.
Doin’ great, Cap, old buddy. The hubby and me only go out for groceries and beer (well, beer and groceries) and we have both been working at home for years, so we haven’t killed each other (yet). We’re in Canada, so things here aren’t as grim and our govt actually gave money to just about everyone to keep them afloat until we slowly return to normal, which might happen step-by-step in the next month or so. Displaced workers get $2,000/month for 4 months, and they just added $78 billion to bail out small businesses that have closed so they can pay their employees as if they were open. When asked ‘why’, Trudeau’s answer was so that when we re-open we can jump-start everything more quickly. Funny, keeping people alive here seems to be the focus (and we have 5 political parties who are all agreed on the bailouts), figuring ‘keep people alive now, and we’ll sort out the details when it’s all over’. Trust me, my friend, it’s very nice knowing that your government doesn’t want you to die. I wish it was the same for you, I really, really, really do…. Stay safe, Cap. We NEED your blogs to keep us all sane. Stay safe, my friend. And do try to stay sane!
November can’t come soon enough. How many more people must die before we can get a sane person in the White House?
Not being able to do anything about this inexcusable disaster drives me crazy sometimes. So sad. So frustrating. So infuriating.
Sorry for being a downer tonight. It just gets to me. :,-(
I believe that we are seeing a full flowering of the Dunning-Kruger effect. It seems the entire Republican party is infected with it and that’s what’s amplifying the stupidity
Or maybe they’re just soulless assholes.
Third sentence nailed it. Good job!
Love your wicked presentation of the con-artist led cult. I’m in the high side of my mid sixties, retired. So the stay at home thing only became a problem after going someplace became taboo! Now I want to go. Damn taboo’s get me every time! Looking forward to your next take on the insanity.
Hi Cap,
I am the lucky one, isolated on 28 acres with chickens and garden beds to tend. I have nature and booze. Lots and lots of booze. When I have to be indoors, I occupy myself by rage knitting while listening to political podcasts and reading blogs such as yours. (Yes, I can knit and read at the same time.) I am currently knitting quarantine bebe blanket #13.
My poor husband, on the other hand, is sequestered in the suburbs near Pittsburgh. He is taking care of his older sister while she recovers from a serious infection. After some weeks bouncing between ICU and CCU, she was pushed out the door of the transistional care facility and the door locked behind her, just as COVID-19 entered the area. So now it’s on him. To make matters worse, they closed all the liquor stores. I cannot imagine having to change somebody’s butt bandages twice daily while sober.
Fortunately, the powers that be realized the danger of an entire state going through detox at the same time, as well as the potential decrease in profits, and opened a web site to take internet orders. The site was immediately overwhelmed with orders and crashed. After several weeks of this nonsense, they decided to open some stores for curbside pickup. My husband got through, and successfully placed an order. The store was 5 minutes from his sister’s house. He was there 6 minutes later.
That evening, we celebrated with a virtual happy hour.
In the meantime, I have been binge buying his favorite adult beverages any time I venture out, like that was gonna help him. Ah well. We’ll be able to celebrate his eventual return in style. I just don’t know if we’ll remember anything the following day.
Any how, thanks for asking. Stay safe & keep on helping us deal with the insanity.
not that we were social butterflies, but here’s the thing – Mr. Wonderful is desperately compromised, but dutifully sheltering indoors. However, as COVID-unrelated conditions exacerbate, he is being ‘diagnosed’ by a neurologist over the phone! Mercifully, we’ve schedule an MRI for Thursday. Bottom line: if he’s admitted to a hospital, might never see each other again, which is why we’re desperate for a diagnosis that permits him to be cared for at home. Bleak, but true, and what loads of folks are facing while Grift Family Trump adjusts their stock portfolio. Keep on keepin on, Cap. ALL of this needs to be said.
Best wishes to y’all. Hang in there, and know that Karma is prolly a real thing.
Well, my quarantine experience is not much different from my normal life. I don’t go out much anyway. I’m trapped between my mother (dementia) and my grown kid who has schizoaffective disorder, so that’s fun. Then a few days ago, my little cat had an awful seizure and when I tried to help her the BIG cat, thinking I was torturing her, attacked me and tore up my ankle THROUGH my jeans…blood everywhere. Wish I could post a picture.
The food thing bothers me…empty shelves in the stores, yet food is being destroyed. I’m wondering just how bad this is gonna get. I’m gonna have to start growing some of my own food just in case.
Still waiting for Doctor Dotard to drop dead. Now I can add VP Pencilneck to the list. Hope he gets CV. That’ll learn him a thing or two. And two kicks in the nutsack for Turtle Boy.
Hey, you should check out Randy Rainbow’s latest video, “A Spoonful of Clorox” Makes Your Temperature Go Down. His best one yet!
https://youtu.be/DPDPzbLFeP4
Also this:
“Kansas Man Chugged Cleaning Product After Trump’s Disinfectant Comments.”
https://www.thedailybeast.com/kansas-man-chugs-cleaning-product-after-trumps-disinfectant-comments?source=cheats&via=rss
It doesn’t say whether he survived or not.
Thanks for the blog. I really look forward to it twice a week.
Reporting from somewhere in New York… over and out.
Dearest Cap, my heart just breaks for the American people. May you come out of this nightmare with a stronger, kinder, or perhaps, even just competent government.
Here in Tasmania we have been hit hard for a state of just 520,000 people. My daughters job in a tourism business is in dire straits, even with government assistance but we have hope that when we are allowed out and our little island has planes flying again we will be ok. I have 3 kinds of arthritis, I don’t go out much anyway, but I miss visitors. We have our home and enough to manage, and 3 very sweet cats who think we have been a bit clingy lately…
I don’t know where it started but lots of folk here are doing the ‘Bear Hunt’ for the kids. Just putting a soft toy in the window or on the letter box or where ever, for the kids to hunt for. Just a little something to cheer them up, and it cheers me up too! Saw Scooby Doo at a bus stop today and a smurf on a fence. Sometimes it is the little things that lighten your spirit a touch.
I salute you for your dedicated chronicling and joyfully righteous indignation in a time of crisis. A thousand blessings on all the essential workers.
Keep safe and keep finding things to laugh and smile at. I recommend Simon’s Cat and Irish Cream Whiskey… but to each their own!
Peace and blessings to you and your readers.
We’re doing well, thank you. I retired 18 months ago, and my sweetheart of 42 years is on the bubble…retire or continue teaching 4K in the fall? Busy enough every day around the house, daily walks, lots of cooking…So may I add to your republiturd brain diagram? Ignorance, fear, hatred, and malicious greed. I’ve lost 2 friends who revealed themselves as Rumpy apologists, true kool-aid bathers. God, why have I had this tic in my eye for weeks? Oh, it’s the crushing anxiety, watching our country fully fracture itself. The Divided States of America ‘lead’ by an anal pustule is headed towards civil war. Again. Thanks for your humor, but we are fucked.
Dear Cap,
Love your blog. I always feel a little better and a little snarkier after each installment.
re: “ Sexxxy Economy “ – since the oligarchs keep skewing it to enrich white people like me, and screwing everyone that isn’t already white, shouldn’t we call it the “SeKKKsy Economy”?
I’ve had to go through treatment for bone marrow cancer during all this, and, let me tell you, it has been one big cluster fuck! I was sent to be tested BEFORE going to the bone marrow transplant clinic, as we are ALL immuno-compromised! One person could infect the entire clinic! The testing site, a local ER, got hold of me and started running a slew of tests on me, saying, if those tests come back negative, I wasn’t going home! By their logic, if the other tests were negative, then, it must be COVID-19! Or, it could be because I WASN’T SICK! My oncologist finally sprung me!
To stay safe, I have had shut myself in my room, apart from the rest of the house. I’ve actually enjoyed myself! I can keep busy, so, this hasn’t been to hard. I just have to protect myself from my oldest daughter – she is a shopper for a grocery delivery service. But, it’s all good as too much of anyone can be lethal! LOL
Thanks for what you bring to us!
OMG little heart laday! You are the most possitive person alive! Also, thanks Cap for your continueous gonzo humor. It keeps me going.
Contrast and Compare:
Cap says “We’ll start with the low-hanging fruit. When last we met, Doctor Dotard had just prescribed a sunshine and bleach cocktail for the corona that ails ya, and sure enough, MAGA nation treated America’s poison control centers and emergency rooms to a surge”
The New York Times says: “At a White House briefing, President Trump theorized — dangerously, in the view of SOME EXPERTS — about the powers of sunlight, ultraviolet light and household disinfectants to kill the coronavirus”
This is why Cap is a Super Hero. The corporate propaganda machines are helping COVID-19 kill us all with distractions, such as Trump is insane and incompetent. I do not think so. Every test is $100 and every hospitalization is tens of thousands of dollars. Plus helping Putin destroy the USA. Money for nothing, and Insider Trading and Shock Doctrine for free.
So lots of Breaking Things News. Distract and deceive, corporate shills catapult the lies by Republicans to break the World Heath Organization and blame WHO for the Trump Plague and blame Governors for being nasty. April 23, Lysol Liberation Day, was a distraction for breaking the federal office working on Vaccines and Dr. Bright will file a whistleblower complaint but that is not breaking news. The next day distraction was the Plague-Master was being “sarcastic”. (But you cannot be funny if you are a monster.) That was a distraction for breaking the EcoHealth Alliance studying COVID-19 in Wuhan.
“The National Institutes of Health on Friday told EcoHealth Alliance, the study’s sponsor for the past five years, that all future funding was cut. The agency also demanded that the New York-based research nonprofit stop spending the $369,819 remaining from its 2020 grant, according to emails obtained by POLITICO.”
The next distraction UFO’s! Yes three videos of Navy Planes chasing UFO’s were declassified!
Tomorrow’s distraction?
I just discovered your blog and dang man you are a brilliant writer. I’m on the floor both laughing at your writing and crying at its truths. Write on and thank you! You just might help keep me sane
Update on the EcoHealth Alliance, which is being attacked. The Plague Master’s fascist army is accelerating the lies. It is China and its Virology Lab in Wuhan that is to be blamed. Also, it is Barack Obama who left a “bad test” and gave the Wuhan lab millions of dollars. So Obama created the Plague. But it is not just lies about Obama, it is lies about the Public Health System with thousands of scientists and doctors who defeated H1N1 and Ebola. Plague-Master and the Billionaires have done everything they can, to destroy our Public Heath System, and our Health Care. Attacking EcoHealth is another attempt to kill us all.
The latest lie by the Deplorable Maggots is corrected: According to Politifact,
“In 2014, the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Disease backed a project by the EcoHealth Alliance, a nonprofit that aims to protect the people, land and animals in areas where viruses can jump from one species to another, as coronaviruses are known to do. The alliance has projects across 30 countries”
“The National Institutes of Health website shows a total award of about $3.4 million over six years to EcoHealth Alliance. The group’s spokesman Robert Kessler told us that, of that, the Wuhan lab received just under $600,000.”