Well, the shelter-in-place orders are getting extended, and human civilization is a rapidly-fading memory. But we can still gather ‘round a campfire digitally, dammit, and we don’t even need to wear masks! So pour yourself a tall, frosty, glass of bleach, and let’s look back on another week in Hell.

Like most folks, I spend very little time thinking about the mayors of cities where I don’t live. But after Las Vegas Mayor Carolyn Goodman’s breakout media tour this week, I’m starting to wonder if I’m not missing out on some restaurant-quality lunacy. Like, maybe Cleveland is run by some flat-earther who only travels by unicycle? Did Fargo perhaps elect a semi-retired rodeo clown with a penchant for public nudity? Shit, for all I know, the Mayor of Topeka is a macaw that lives on Nutter Butters and Listerine. What’ve all you zany municipalities been holding out on us, huh?

But you’ve all got a lotta work to do if you wanna catch up to Goodman in terms of raw batshittiness. Offering the good citizens of Vegas up as a “control group,” she wants to turn the Strip into a COVID-19 playground, and if a few thousand people get sick and die, well ya gotta go sometime, right, but Carolyn will not be joining you in the petri dish, thanks for asking, she has a family, and that family matters, unlike all those sacrificial plebs. I feel like volunteering your constituents for potentially lethal experiments is unwise politically, but ultimately, I am simply a drunken goofball wearing a luchador mask, so feel free to ignore me.

While Hairplug Himmler’s haphazard coronavirus response has been filled with blunders and contradictions, one aspect has been depressingly constant: purging the government of qualified professionals with actual medical and scientific expertise. He threatened to fire a leading CDC official, blaming her public warnings for a stock market dip, because you can always pretend the Dow Jones is soaring when your head is firmly buried in the sand. And Dr. Rick Bright, the dude who was in charge of the federal agency working on the coronavirus vaccine, got shitcanned for the high crime of refusing to pimp Littlefinger’s bullshit hydroxychloroquine miracle cure. Oh well. I’m sure developing vaccines is super-easy work and pretty much anybody off the street could do Dr. Bright’s job. I hear Alex Cora is available.

Meanwhile, to replace all those stupid cuck doctors and scientists, Alex Azar hired a labradoodle breeder to head up the coronavirus task force. Now, at first glance, that probably seems like a joke, what with the delightful specificity of the word “labradoodle,” but no, this is real life, and here in the real world, the immunologists with years of experience are out, and the labradoodle breeders are in. Hope you weren’t planning on leaving the house any time soon, we’re gonna be here awhile. We are, dare I say it…labradoomed.

There are so few pleasures available to us in these godawful times, but watching Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s craven Republican enablers get flung under the bus for their obsequious attempts to please him is certainly at the top of the list. In the case of Georgia Governor Brian Kemp, they filled the bus up with elephants and cartoon anvils first, and then threw him under it. See, Kemp figured if he was the very first governor to reopen his state’s economy, his Turd Emperor would pat him on the head, maybe even let him sleep at the foot of the bed, in Lindsey Graham’s spot, for a night or two. Alas, there was no head pat, only a steam-powered taint punt, delivered live, in prime time. Maybe Brian can console himself with an I Got Hundreds of My Constituents Killed and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt kinda thing.

Most of this blog targets Republicans, and that’s because they fucking well deserve it, but in the interest of fairness, I think it’s important to call out Democrats when they falter. Therefore, it is with a heavy heart that I draw your attention to the Lovecraftian horror that is Senator Mark Warner’s tuna melt recipe. Honestly, we need bipartisan investigations here. Dems, we MUST be better than this.

Mitch McConnell looked upon the economy that his party had created, with its shuttered storefronts and 26 million newly unemployed, and declared that it was good enough! He further proclaimed that he favored states going into bankruptcy over any further “blue state bailouts.” (And yes, he said this from the perch he’s earned from decades of leeching blue state cash for his old Kentucky home. Shame is dead, did you miss that meeting?) Andrew Cuomo responded by asking Yertle just where, precisely, on his wrinkly ol’ shell he would like his second asshole torn, though he did not wait for an answer before commencing said tearing.

Like the goober sitcom husband who buys his wife the power tool/talking fish plaque/dog butler statue that he himself wanted for her “birthday present,” Fat Q*Bert announced that U.S. military planes would conduct flyovers in as many as 30 cities, allegedly to show support for medical professionals, at the cost of more than $60,000 per hour, billed to all us chump taxpayers, of course. That money could pay for a whole lotta much-needed PPE, but PPE won’t fluff a demented old asshat’s ego, so y’know…hope you enjoy the window-rattling roar of jet engines while you risk your lives, health care workers!

Anyway, the big story is that basically every public figure, news organization, and household cleaning supplies manufacturer had to spend the day frantically shouting PLEASE DON’T DRINK BLEACH YOU WILL DIE because of something the President of the United States said on live television, in case anybody is interested in traveling back in time to 2016 to slap one of those “how bad can things possibly get?” types.

Yes, Dr. Dotard, still desperately searching for the medical equivalent of Daddy’s Money Bailing Him Out of Trouble, casually suggested that maybe mainlining Lysol, chugging Clorox, or shooting Tilex directly into your fucking eyeball will cure COVID-19 so everybody can get back to golfing and/or paying taxes so their grifter President can profit from golfing.

So here we are. It seems like only yesterday we were laughing at Sean Spicer’s sad little crowd size lies, and now President Jim Jones But Dumber stands at his bully pulpit and tells Americans to swallow poison. Since SWALLOWING POISON is a partisan issue now, I guess I’m prouder than ever to be a Democrat, but somebody should formally add that shit to the party platform, alongside distressingly-necessary entries like “Democracy is good” and “Nazis are not, in fact, very fine people.”

Shart Garfunkel further suggested ultraviolet light as another magical corona-b-gone solution, which is equally stupid, but at least a little less dangerous. I say that now, but I certainly won’t be surprised if a handful of “Florida man hospitalized with shattered UV bulb up his ass” stories popped up over the weekend.

The Candycorn Skidmark tried to lie his way out of YouShouldDrinkBleachGate by claiming he was simply playing a hilarious prank on the White House press corps, and no one even pretended to believe him. These are the consequences for lying about stupid shit like “Yo-Yo Ma called me up yesterday just to say he wishes he could play the cello as good as me,” you bloated twit.

Uncanny Valley Centerfold Stephen Miller is passing the time in quarantine by phoning up his dirtbag white nationalist pals to fantasize about using the pandemic as an excuse to further increase immigration restrictions, and between this and the bleach thing, the Turdmaggot Administration’s commitment to whitening America cannot be doubted.

So, one of the biggest reasons we’re looking at a body count of 50,000 and rising, with no end in sight, is that the Marmalade Shartcannon blindly accepted, and indeed dutifully parroted the Chinese government’s lying propaganda, refusing to prepare while the COVID-19 tiptoed through America’s tulips from coast to fucking coast. And now it turns out, he owes TWO HUNDRED AND ELEVEN MILLION DOLLARS to the state-owned Bank of China? And the bill’s due in 2022? I’d say there should be laws against this sort of thing, but of course there already are, it’s just that the GOP is too gleefully corrupt to enforce them.

Hilariously, the Committee to Re-Elect the Taintfungus’ current general election strategy is to paint Smilin’ Joe Biden as…weak on China. Not sure Mr. “You’ll get your money, President Xi, anyway, what was it you wanted me to say on TV? I tried to write it down but I forgot, I’m basically illiterate” wants to pick that particular fight, but I am happy watch him try.

The Failing New York Times took a peek behind the curtain at the Shart House, offering us a little taste of the Lifestyles of the Dumb and Narcissistic in this age of coronavirus. Basically the Offal in the Oval is either bellowing his way through the Daily Propaganda Spew, or obsessively watching coverage of himself on television, which he then goes on to whine about at the next DPS, like a shitty, spray-tanned, ouroboros, choking on its too-long necktie.

There’s probably more, but my God, the weekend is so close I can fucking taste it. I need that weekend, folks. Need it. Neeeeeed it. Stay safe, and I’ll see y’all next week!

PS – The meme in tonight’s post is not one of my own making, which is my usual policy. Found it on the Tweetymachine, and I don’t know who to credit for it, but thanks, whoever you are, I owe you a beer!