When last we met, President Cankles P. Rapist once again found himself with his back against the wall as Career-Ending Scandal #4,893 closed in. Of course, we’ve seen this show so many times we just assumed the Roberts Court would legalize juvenile sex trafficking via the shadow docket and that would be the end of it.

But no, we’re still on Epstein. I’m always delighted, if surprised, to find any fundamental human decency left in these folks. What’s that you say? Pedophiles are to be rudely cast out of the paradise you’re creating, lest they harsh the vibe in the concentration camps?

Shit, this is your loser death cult’s best commandment yet! I think you should start your witch hunt with well-known friends of notorious traffickers. Pay particularly close attention to those who repeatedly lech after their own offspring in public.

What would really come in handy is if you could get ahold of some sort of lovingly assembled, one-of-a-kind book of personal birthday notes composed to the trafficker by his closest chums. Be on the lookout for writing brimming with innuendo or references to “wonderful secrets.”

Obviously, anybody who disguises their signature as pubic hair in a drawing of a naked woman on a birthday card to a guy who operates an international pedophilia ring would be vile beyond imagining, so make sure not to build any cults of personality around them! Shouldn’t be a problem, because they’d be equally revolting in countless other ways.

Can’t say I’ve hated watching the Wall Street Journal dole out details in these tantalizing little “exclusives.” Oh, Pam Bondi told her boss his name was all over these files, which she once teased but now pointedly refuses to release? Golly, that sounds like the sort of thing that could make a gal invent a bullshit medical emergency to get out of a wingnut human trafficking conference.

It goes without saying th’Journal has been banished from the Shart House Press Pool, in favor of some anti-Churchill podcaster, no doubt, because pedophile autocrats are even touchier than the regular kind when it comes to the whole free press thing.

Of course, when you need to cover up evidence of your extensive ties (specifically pube signature letters) to child sex traffickers, it helps to have an entire political party at your beck and call. Senator Markwayne Mullin, for example, is only too happy to provide cover to the rapist who once sent a lynch mob to kill him.

Speaker Moses led his spineless enabler caucus to the promised land of August recess a little early this year, because they couldn’t figure out how to keep the floor open while simultaneously shielding their favorite pedophile from accountability.

But there’s no escaping Epstein, sorry, dorks. No, you don’t even get to enjoy your spiteful little victory lap over the Colbert cancellation, because here’s $1.5 billion comedy franchise South Park provocatively, some might say slanderously depicting your boy in a consensual sexual encounter with an adult demon, when we all know his proclivities lie…elsewhere.

Yeah, they’re on the run, which I imagine I’d enjoy more if I didn’t remember how Off-Brand Orbán behaves when cornered, but thanks to the aforementioned Capitol Riot…I do. He holds brainstorming sessions with the shittiest idiots alive, everybody gets fucked up on hamberders and Adderall, and whatever tickles Grampa’s fascism bone hardest wins.

Last time, he fixated on the Vice President’s certification of the election results, right? Now he’s latched onto Tulsi freaking Gabbard’s inane plot to have Barack HUSSEIN Obama arrested for treason cuz hashtagRussiaGate was a Deep HUSSEIN State false flag psyop coup or something.

Makes no sense whatsoever and withers under the slightest scrutiny, and it sure would be neat to live under a government that factored that kinda stuff in before persecuting political opponents.

Can’t rule out pardoning Ghislaine Maxwell, though. Sorry, QAnon, we might need to un-punish the one trafficker we actually caught and convicted, because none of you do the slightest diligence regarding this issue you claim to care so much about.

Newsmax got right to work rehabbing the infamous sex slaver’s reputation. “There was a rush to judgment,” said Greg Kelly, whose mom must be extra proud this week.

Elaborate procedural maneuvers have been deployed to keep Alina Habba in that job she was never qualified for, but elevating the maliciously incompetent to positions of distressing political power is, after all, the entire point of all this.

Poor, dumb Jimmy Comer keeps trying to make The Autopen happen, going so far as to fantasize about purging the federal judiciary of Biden appointees, replacing them with a soggy wad of Boves and Gaetzes, and why not Laura Loomer, really?

In response to soaring beef prices, President Cognitive Test Passer named Clara Peller as the nation’s first “Beef Czar,” on the strength of her memorable “Where’s the beef?” ad campaign. Peller, who died in 1987, is expected to number among the administration’s most effective appointees.

I think Trump and Powell have tremendous potential as a vaudeville act. Hulking, thuggish bully attempts to intimidate smaller man who repels him effortlessly, though with mounting irritation. Work a pie to the face in there someplace, and you’d really have something.

House Republicans want to rename the Opera House at the Kennedy Center after Melania, because this one child molester likes it when you desecrate shit with the family name.

A Pentagon inspector general confirms Secretary Hegseth leaked classified information during Signalgate, but don’t worry, he’s still maintained a firm enough grip on power to lose a war to the Houthis and assist Putin in the slaughter of civilians.

Congrats to everybody who got released from CECOT! I’m so happy my tyrannical government was unable to continue violating your fundamental human rights indefinitely. Good luck with all your lawsuits!

(That, incidentally, is where all your precious tariff revenue is going, Dotard, but by all means, keep promising rebate checks that will never materialize.)

The federal government celebrated major victories in their War on Thinking this week, most prominently extorting $221 million from Columbia University, money that can now be spent on gilding any remaining Oval Office surfaces instead of dumb ol’ cancer research or whatever.

Seems like every day we pull out of another global agency, and another cabinet department announces, “We’re, uh, not going to do science anymore.”

And as much as I hate it when these dorks win, it’s nice to watch the polling catch up. Brutal numbers across the board, from independents to the youth vote, ICE to inflation. And oh look, there’s that Epstein fellow again.

I don’t need Tom Homan to believe the polls. In fact, it’s better if it’s a surprise. I see we pulled our top pick in the crucial North Carolina Senate race. ‘Bout time to get started on that next Blue Wave, don’tcha think? We’re due.

Coming even sooner, at looooooooong last, is my NEW COMIC BOOK!

Friends, I have to pinch myself every time new artwork rolls in. This is gonna be one fine-lookin’ book. It’s about…oh man, everything we’ve been talking about alllllllll these years…you’ll see, you’re gonna love it. I gotta get the Kickstarter prelaunch page set up.

Until then, if you enjoyed this drunken rant, toss a few bucks in my tip jar (now accepting, you know the drill, PayPal, Venmo, and Cash App) so I don’t have to go home for a couple more hours anyway. Follow @john_luzar, and/or join the email list at showercapblog.com. And do stay safe out there…