Someday, when my grandchildren ask me, “Pop-Pop, what was the one precise moment you were proudest t’be an American?” I’ll get to tell them about the time our felonious rapist president flew himself to Scotland at taxpayer expense to get caught cheating at golf and explain how he only got mad at Jeffrey Epstein once he started stealing the underage spa employees away. It was like a bald eagle crying directly into a hot dog casing.

Before that, the relationship was all parties and pubic hair signatures. But you don’t traffic another billionaire’s child sex slave. It is simply not done. I SAID GOOD DAY, SIR.

The amazing thing about the unfolding Epstein story is that he’s somehow even grosser than we thought, which is impressive, considering we’ve long since absorbed his well-documented history of sexual assault.

Only the very shittiest among us commit sexual assault serially, surely? But then Donald Trump is somehow the shittiest guy in THAT room. The 1% of the 1% of moral degradation. And we made him PRESIDENT. Twice. No wonder he builds concentration camps.

Naw, Comey put my name in them files, but that’s okay; my politicized FBI just redacted it right back out, plus I never had the privilege of visiting pedo paradise, actually.

Waaaaaaaaait wait wait, what do you mean, priv-

Alas, I cannot tarry; I have nuclear submarines to play with and an economy to wreck. Plus I’m fucking with the President of Taiwan today. Perhaps I shall pardon Diddy later. JEEVES, BUILD ME A BALLROOM WITH THE CANCER RESEARCH MONEY.

Yeah, we let this adjudicated rapist who is quite likely also a pedophile do pretty much whatever he wants, up to and including unconstitutionally seizing “emergency” tariff powers to obliterate as much human prosperity as possible before the cankles take him.

90 deals in 90 days proved too taxing for our rapidly deafening dealmaker in chief, so he opted instead to lob rates from on high, utilizing a system based on a proprietary blend of randomness and personal grievance. Oddly enough, businesses are increasing prices.

And inflation is ticking up.

Approval numbers keep seeking ever lower depths. Anybody polling that Epstein thing? Yeah? What’s it s-YIKES.

And what’s this now? Have we hapless Dems regained the advantage in party affiliation? B-but we’re in disarray!

And I get it, downward revisions to the ol’ jobs report make for a lousy bugle when you’re launching a major trade war offensive, but it’s not our fault your ideas don’t work.

“Ideas.”

Well, never fear, the commissioner of the Bureau of Labor Statistics has been sacked, ensuring future reports will count all the jobs th’Deep State won’t: nose, whack, blow/hand, and hatchet. 

See, reality is what this one rapist (and probable pedophile) says it is. Impeachments don’t technically legally count if they’re not in the Smithsonian. I bet you didn’t know that. It’s right there in the Constitution, next to the part where the President can declassify shit with his mind.

Kash Patel claimed to’ve discovered a “burn bag” full of evidence Barack HUSSEIN Obama forgot to destroy (there was a face tasting at Huma’s that night), re-exonerating the Dotard of the Russiagate hoax yet again.

Of course, all Kash actually feverishly declassified was evidence of himself failing to read all the way to the end and/or falling for Russian propaganda. When this is all over, we’re going to learn about a golden age of federal crime that flourished while law enforcement leadership was this fuckin’ dumb.

Acting NASA Administrator Sean Duffy vowed to put a by-gawd American pedophile on the moon by the end of the term, and he is already hard at work on a speech blaming Pete Buttigieg for his failure to do so.

If you find yourself lonely on these hot, sweaty summer nights, wishing someone would wrap you in their arms and privatize your Social Security, well, Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent is yer backdoor man. Yeah, the worst ideas from W-era conservatism, that’s what this party needed.

I don’t like to kink-shame, but Nancy Mace’s proudly professed fetish for deportation videos on YouTube feels a little, what’s the worrrrrd…

…evil?

Evil.

Mace claims she “can think of nothing more American,” and granted, she is bad at thinking, but that wouldn’t rate even a kid’s home version of Family Feud, y’know?

Apple pie is on that list. Baseball. Springsteen. Freedom. Rowdy Roddy Piper. Purple mountain majesties. Eagles. The Eagles. The Philadelphia Eagles. Eagly. See? That took me two seconds.

Can’t think of much that’s LESS American, if I’m honest. The Capitol Riot, sure. Tear-gassing peaceful protesters in Lafayette Square. Deporting innocent people without due process to foreign torture prisons to be sexually assaulted. Golly, I’m noticing a pattern.

Josh Hawley’s support for a ban on stock trading for government officials earned a swift public paddling from Fashy Daddy, who has enough dumb ol’ laws to follow, thank you very much. Chastised, Hawley retreated to the scrotal tanner as per chapter 19 of his book on manhood.

Texas Republicans hope to gerrymander five congressional seats out from under Democrats to offset the imminent You Only THINK You’ve Seen a Blue Wave (metaphorical) whoopin’ they’ve got coming. Of course there’ve been various threats n’ plans to counter-gerrymander in the blue states, and I suppose it’s best we work all this out before the civil war.

I see the DOGE post-mortems have begun trickling in, portraits of the emotionally underdeveloped, Elon-pilled man-babies who condemned millions to early graves for lulz. The Oliver Stone film about this stuff will be performed by a cast consisting entirely of David Dastmalchian portraying 37 different pasty incels.

It appears as though Laura Loomer has handcuffed herself to the executive branch, and instead of calling the cops, they put her in charge of HR. We’re purging the government of critical expertise for failing a racist halfwit’s loyalty tests. Weird how shit keeps falling apart.

The Trump EPA formally proclaimed NUH-UH unto one of the core truths of environmental science. Yeah, greenhouse gases are good for you now. At Secretary Brainworm’s request, Coke is adding greenhouse gases along with the real cane sugar. MAHA!

Domestic terror apologist Mike Collins announced his bid for Senate in the mythical land of Georiga, which longtime fans will recognize from Conan the Barbarian #217, or perhaps 219? The kingdom is home to a notoriously deceitful and ignorant courtier class, illiterate even in their native tongue, along with way, way too many trees.

Speaking of Senate primaries, I guess there’re South Carolinians who believe Lindsey Graham somehow does not live far enough up Trump’s ass. DUODENUM OR BUST, they shriek between mouthfuls of bath salts.

Senate Republicans confirmed Emil Bove’s lifetime appointment to the Third Circuit Court of Appeals despite 64% of the people Bove has encountered during his time on Earth lining up patiently to blow the whistle on his manifest unfitness for power, which was downright irresponsible of them.

Looks like Jeffrey Clark is about to get disbarred, which feels like a reasonable consequence to face when one participates in a criminal conspiracy to end American democracy. Don’t worry, he’ll hang onto his day job, because it’s in the Trump Administration. Creeping authoritarianism can’t afford to keep such a willing collaborator on the bench, y’know.

Word is Pete Hegseth dreams of failing at least semi-laterally into statewide office in Tennessee. Ideally, you’d like a more impressive resume than “leaked classified intel and lost a war to the Houthis,” but I suppose Marsha Blackburn’s long career tells us all we need to know about that electorate’s standards.

Attorney General Pam Bondi charged Judge James Boasberg with Insufficient Fealty to the Rapist (they snuck it into OBBB), so that’s another tyrannical thing the government is doing. Whew, there sure are lots of those things lately, huh?

Like the “bias monitors” they’re installing in the media conglomerates and Ivy League colleges they’ve been besieging/extorting, or the assassination of the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, for example. No, we won’t be running out of tyranny any time soon.

Oh, what’m I yammerin’ on about? Happens in all the healthiest democracies. Seems like a good spot for a shout-out to Donnie Two Dolls’ gulag bro, Bukele, for opening the door to “serving” for life.

Ghislaine Maxwell got transferred to a minimum security prison camp, while Lawrence Taylor was named to some presidential fitness council or other, so, y’know…big week for sex criminals.

In conclusion, shit remains generally revolting and terrifying, and I’m sorry. What’s worse, the beer fridge appears to be running low, even after I fired the head of the Bureau of Beer Counting for telling me so. Feel free to bail me out from the consequences of my authoritarian tendencies via PayPal, Cash App, or Venmo. I would also like a Nobel Prize, any category, but yeah, Peace if you got it.

And yes, follow @john_luzar and get yerself on the email list at showercapblog.com, because the new comic book is finally, FINALLLLLLLLY actually on its way. Pencil art for #1 is almost complete, and it’s so good I’m pinching myself. Kickstarter soon. Stay safe out there!