Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
What the ever-loving hell is going on?
Well I wanted to rant a bit, but frankly there just hasn’t been that much going on. Oh sure, we laughed at Team Shart sending known adulteress Callista Gingrich to Vatican City as the fucking ambassador, and there were a few more humiliating polls, but all in all, it’s been so quiet you’d almost think we lived in normal times.
I mean, there was that one thing where WaPo told us that our President leaked highly classified information to Russian spies in an Oval Office meeting, but other than that, it’s been kinda dull.
Betsy DeVos contin- WAIT WHAT? SWEET TITTYFUCKING CHRIST WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? WHAT THE LIVING FUCK IS HAPPENING? Please forgive any spelling errors from this point onward, as I’ll be typing by pounding my head on the keyboard.
Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sprinkling meth on my avocado toast.
Yeah. It seems Littlefinger, desperate to impress the Russian spies and their totally unscreened camperspy who had to be giggling his ass off to have been granted access to the oval office, decided to strut about all the badass intelligence he gets, which DUH YOU ARE FUCKING PRESIDENT YOU LUMP OF CRISCO, and he figured they’d be extra impressed if he told them what the intelligence was, because maybe then he could invite them over to play Track and Field on Nintendo and his dad bought him the bigass floormat pad and it’s really cool but nobody ever wants to hang out because he’s a Big Fat Shart. So he gave them classified American secrets given by an ally earned at tremendous cost. Because of course he did.
The fit hit the shan more or less immediately. The usually rogue’s gallery of sycophants stumbled out with the usual laughably unbelievable denials, which were met with deserved skepticism after the Comey firing shitshow last week.
Desperate for cover, they trotted out H.R. McMaster, the last member of the administration with any credibility, who proceeded to place said credibility in the center of room, light it on fire, and then have Russian hookers put the fire out by pissing on it. He bobbed and weaved and denied everything except what the WaPo story actually said, namely that our Idiot Manchild President haphazardly threw classified information at a hostile foreign power simply because He Wanted Them to Love Him Oh God Everyone Knows I’m Shit Why Does No One Love Me Why Did You Send Me To Military School Daddyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, hoping that no one would notice, but unfortunately for H.R. literally every single living person noticed, and also no one will ever trust a single word you say for the rest of your life you sellout piece of trash.
And it got worse. By Tuesday afternoon, we’d learned that The Man Who Is Basically If a Big Mac Had an Id had actually disclosed “Code Word”-level classified information, which is like Double Secret Classification, so seriously major fuckup there. And then it turned out the intel came from an ally that hadn’t granted permission to share it with other allies, let alone a Count Chocula cosplayer like Vladimir Putin.
And then it turned out that ally was Israel.
And so basically President Draft-Dodger/Valor Thief endangered the life of a highly-placed Israeli mole within ISIS just because he has a micropenis and spends 98% of his waking hours worrying that everyone around him notices that the bulge in his pants is conspicuously sock-shaped.
And yeah, this means that traditional American allies will be much less likely to share intelligence with us while this blundering nincompoop is in office, HOPE NONE OF US DIE CUZ OF THAT HAW HAW HAW. And yeah, we all read the stories where Israeli intelligence officials were all “Hey, that whole endangering-our-mole-what-do-you-think-this-shit-is-easy thing? MAJOR DICK MOVE.”
The President of the United States did this. In what repeated pinch tests tell me is the actual real world.
Meanwhile, the folks over in the Right Wing Lunatic Media Bubba-uhl did their damndest to talk about anything except the Oops I Did It Again/I Fucked Up My Job story. On the fly, they concocted, out of tongue depressors, cotton balls and paste, an insane conspiracy theory about a DNC staffer being murdered because of Wikileaks or some shit, and they were literally talking about Vince Foster in prime time, trying to keep their army of rubes from picking up their phones and finding out what was actually going on in the world.
Doesn’t seem to have worked.
As the story blew up, it became impossible to ignore. In an unprecedented rebuke, several Republican senators both hemmed AND hawed. John McCain wrote a Very Stern Letter, which is the opposite of doing Anything That Matters, but he wanted everyone to know that he is CONCERNED. Mitch McConnell bemoaned the DRAMA emanating from the executive because he would very much like to cut some rich dudes’ taxes before retreating to his shell for an afternoon’s hibernation, thank you very much. Basically they’ve all settled into a nice, comfortable “Trump can do anything and somehow people aren’t rioting in the streets so fuck off” routine, because they are more slug than man now, and are kind of getting used to the idea of being painted as clownishly submissive villains in the history books, because the history books don’t put the steak dinners on the table, after all.
In the background, John Cornyn and Gowdy Doody bowed out of consideration for the otherwise-enticing FBI director post, presumably because they don’t want to die in jail shackled to Jeff Sessions.
And ok. So you’re settling into the whole Russia boondoggle. You’re stuffing your melted brain back into your skull through the ear canal, and maybe you’re even chuckling at the prospect of SCROTUS giving a speech on Islam over the weekend. “It’ll be like Bill Cosby addressing an EMILY’s list fundraiser,” you tell yourself, a trainwreck of historic proportions. Comedy!
And then you get dat NYT push notification. You pour yourself a pint. (Of vodka.) You strap on your bicycle helmet, and you read the fucker.
Oh no big deal. James Comey has a bunch of memos saying that Orange Julius Caesar asked him, “Hey, lay off the whole investigating-Mike-Flynn shit. Yeah, maybe he’s a foreign agent and all that but c’mon, the Bro Code trumps that silly old U.S. Constitution, right?”
And the Holy-Sheepfucking-Crap-the-President-Got-an-Israeli-Intelligence-Agent-Killed Story, which was on the Mount Rushmore of Presidential Malfeasance stories, suddenly looks like a Ziggy comic in the middle of the newspaper, because we now have an OBSTRUCTION OF FUCKING JUSTICE HAVE YOU EVEN HEARD OF RICHARD NIXON YOU DOORKNOB story.
And the entire republican party disappeared like a wang in a cold pool. Team Shart issued a weak-ass denial, fully understanding that nobody anywhere trusts them to tell the truth about Who Farted let alone anything that matters. And, laughably, Fox News openly lamented, on-air, that they couldn’t find anyone to fall on Donnie Darko’s limp, tiny, sword.
Darrell Issa gave a reporter the finger. John McCain issued an even HARSHER statement (apologies to anyone who fainted at such risqué talk). And Jason Chaffetz pulled on his subpoenaing pants, laced up his subpoenaing boots, pulled out his subpoenaing pen (an actual pen, not a metaphor for his cock) and subpoenaed all the Shart House’s docs on this debacle. Shit got all kinds of real, is what I’m sayin’.
(As a wacky little side note, the same NTY story mentions that SHARTUS also asked Comey to throw the journalists who publish all those embarrassing leaks into some gulag someplace, which at any other point in your lives would be the biggest news story of all time, but today you read it and went “of course he did,” didn’t you?)
There’s more, of course, There’s always more insanity nowadays. There was a new Manafort-related subpoena. There was a story about the Shart transition team doin’ shady shit with classified information. And Sean Hannity is still pushing the Seth Rich “story,” presumably because Mike Pence promised him he could be Viceroy of Montana after the bombs start dropping.
In conclusion, in my professional opinion…shit be cray, people. Shit be cray.