Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Absolute Batguano Insanity
The madness has gone into overdrive ever since the Dried-out Play-Doh Manatee decided he didn’t need no stinkin’ oversight and fired James Comey, and we’re all just careening around the Wasteland in search of fuel and crullers these days.
Let’s start with the dastardly act of deception perpetrated by the Russians in the very Oval Office itself! It seems a photographer from a Russian state-owned media agency took a photo of Drumpf with Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov, and published it without American consent! “They tricked us,” a White House official said, “They lie!”
Well, what sort of le Carré-worthy plot landed a Russian propaganda photojournalist, unscreened, carrying God only knows what other recording equipment, in the innermost sanctum of the executive branch?
Well y’see…Lavrov said “Do not worry about it, comrade, he is with me.”
And every single person in the White House, up to and including the President, went “Sounds good, bro, come on in! You want a coke? We gots a button for it!”
Is this really all it takes to “trick” the guy with nuclear codes? Does Steve Bannon play “got your nose” with the President and make him sign executive orders before he’ll give it back? Will he send the marines into Nigeria to rescue that prince that keeps e-mailing him?
(By the way, everybody’s favorite Russian ambassador Sergey Kislyak was in the meeting, too. We only know that because of the Russian photos, cuz the official White House readout doesn’t mention it. Maybe he’s like, invisible to republicans, or something?)
Anyhow, the Marmalade Shartcannon rampaged through a number of media interviews with the clear intent of getting himself involuntarily committed. He told the Economist that he invented the phrase “priming the pump,” which was hilarious enough until we started digging around and learned he’s filed trademark applications for a number of things, including “red baseball caps,” “opposable thumbs” and “toast.”
In an interview with Time, he ranted at length about a number of personalities on CNN and MSNBC, which then insisted he does not watch. He even called Stephen Colbert “filthy” before lamenting that no one seems to get close enough to him to grab by the pussy anymore. He also dropped a little gem about how he bombed Syria because he wanted the world to stop laughing at him, finally demonstrating why we don’t let seventh graders vote. Or make military combat decisions.
But Holy Christ on Toast, the main even was his interview with NBC’s Lester Holt, which can only be viewed as a housewarming gift to the inevitable impeachment prosecutors. He casually undercut the entire bullshit story that nobody believed anyway, but that his team had been furiously spinning for a day and a half about the Comey firing. “No, it wasn’t Rosenstein, it was all me! ME AND MY NORMAL SIZED MAN HANDS CAN FIRE WHO I WANNA.” He said he didn’t fire Michael Flynn after finding about all his lying and foreign agenting because it didn’t seem like a big deal and anyway BROS BEFORE HOS only instead of “hos” it’s “the security and integrity of the United States and its citizens.”
Oh, and he said he was thinking about the Russia investigation, which he whinged about being a “hoax” dreamed up as an “excuse” by Democrats (which it demonstrably is not), when he was making the decision to fire James Comey.
Which is a confession of obstruction of justice. On television.
In unrelated news, multiple sources are telling me everyone in the White House counsel’s office has banded together in a death pact, and have begun making sacrifices to a television they’ve kept hidden from Reince Priebus so as to watch something other than Fox News; they call it Maddow-Ra, and claim it as their God.
Generally, the collapse of the excuses for the Comey firing, like a Jenga tower built from soggy Cheerios, was the day’s overarching theme.
The initial story was that Rod Rosenstein, some sort of holy man of unimpeachable character who rode into the Justice Department on a horse made of pure light, took one look at the dastardly dealings of Mr. Comey and demanded he be cast out posthaste!
But Rowdy Roddy didn’t like being made the jackass in this game of Pin the Blame on the New Guy, so he threatened to quit and demanded the record be set straight, which didn’t seem to be a problem since Donnie Darko doesn’t like to give the impression that anyone talks him into anything, as he is the Firer of the Fired.
The initial story was, hilariously, that it was Comey’s conduct in the Clinton e-mail investigation that led to his dismissal.
But the Ravenous Swarm of Leakers That Drumpf Will Never Ever Ever Ever Be Able to Contain Ha Ha Ha Suck It Loser surfaced as you knew they would, with stories of Dorito Mussolini yelling at his teevee when Comey was on it talking about his traitorous ass being investigated, of requests for the FBI to investigate totally-not-illegal leaks of stuff that’s just embarrassing because he’s a fuckup who doesn’t know how to do his job, of the President demanding “loyalty” from the dude in charge of investigating him, which is a totally reasonable thing to demand.
The initial story was that Comey had lost the confidence of the rank-and-file in the FBI.
But then everybody in the FBI, publicly and privately, was all, “No, he was an asshole, but he was our asshole and we actually love him so don’t speak for us, you lying turdcakes!” and even I-guess-I’m-in-charge-for-a-few-hours-anyway acting FBI Director Andrew McCabe said “Nope. Lies.”
But Substitute Spicey Sarah Huckabee Sanders said she has talked to countless thousands of FBI agents who were all “Fuck that Comey guy, you guys rule for firing him,” and the White House press corp laughed at her and said “Yeah right, name two FBI agents,” and HuckSands retorted “I will not, just trust me, when have I lied to you except at yesterday’s press conference when every word out of my mouth has since been proven to be so much unfiltered bull?”
The initial story was that the Russia investigation is just an itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polka-dot investigation, hardly an investigation at all really, but McCabe shat on that one too, and said “Oh boy is it a big investigation, getting bigger every day, it’ll be going off to college before you know it, thanks for asking.”
And of course there’s the tiny detail that Comey seems to have asked for more money for the investigation right before he got canned, which is a ZANY coincidence, but Jeff Sessions sez it didn’t happen and he’s praying to the God of Racist Yokels Who Shouldn’t Have the Jobs They Have that nobody else can back up Comey but bad news Beauregard, it looks that they can.
Fuck, actually all kinds of shit is leaking. Trump said “something was wrong” with Comey, Comey called him “Crazy,” and Steve Bannon keeps putting post-it notes that say “Cuck” on Jared Kushner’s back. WHAT A LONG STRANGE TRIP IT’S BEEN, AMIRIGHT?
The Shart was apparently planning a lil’ visit to FBI headquarters, but he cancelled when he found out he’d be greeted with a Carrie-style shower, only with buckets of poo not blood. Heh.
Meanwhile Orange Julius Caesar’s poll numbers continue to plummet. It turns out the American people hate the President, and they hate his Ass Face, and his Ass Health Care Bill, and his Ass Tax Plan, and his Ass Firing of the Guy Who Was Investigating Him.
Senate Republicans are reportedly worried that the whole “Presidential treason” thing might drag down their agenda, which, for those who forgot, is making the wealthy wealthier at the low low price of shortening the lifespans of the unwashed masses, who’re really too unwashed and mass-y to deserve life anyway, right?
Of course the genuinely horrifying news of the day was President Skidmark creating a commission to “investigate” voter fraud, and placing reincarnated Cossack Kris Kobach in charge of it. Kobach’s life’s work is fabricating bullshit “studies” to keep non-white folks from voting so that Klan-leaning white dudes like Kris Kobach can have more pie, so maybe let’s skip the commission and jump straight to the terrifying wave of voter suppression bills these assclowns will concoct to keep themselves in power.
Oh, and a journalist was arrested. In America. For asking HHS Secretary Tom Price a question. And Price was all “fuck yeah they arrested him, wasn’t that rad?”
No, Tom Price. It was not rad.