Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Freedom’s Just Another Word For Gettin’ Children Killed
I’m feeling kinda nostalgic tonight, for the bland normalcy of the Before Times. Wouldn’t it be nice to post some innocuous gag about the mildly irritating annual reemergence of pumpkin spice everything, and then just go about your day, free from worry about the increasingly fascist American Right, and all the strange new ways they’re finding to fuck everything up? Where’s my wistful country song about those bygone days?
To remind everyone of the status quo: hundreds still die daily from a disease with three, count ‘em THREE fucking vaccines, because a bizarre, quasi-religious culture has congealed around zany, suicidal ideas like “medical science is bad, actually,” and “reality is optional.”
Oh, and when they’re not busy spreading disease, adherents of this batshit new faith (their highest deity is a game show host who cannot, for reasons doubtless lost to the fog of prehistory, pick out pants that fit) work diligently to end American democracy, and replace it with a permanent dictatorship of the loud, angry, and stupid.
I mention this because, right here, in the midst of this shitstorm of historic proportions, the New York Times figured it was the ideal moment to administer the “both sides” treatment to Normal Human Empathy so vigorously Chuck Todd is expected to sue for gimmick infringement.
You see, some profoundly damaged shitbag scrawled a sad, mean little op-ed in the Wall Street Journal, shitting on President Biden for using his own grief to connect with Gold Star families, and the pearl-clutchers at the Times dutifully transcribed that cynical bullshit as a thoughtful argument offered in good faith, rather than simply one more strand of outrage spaghetti flung at the fridge in the Ministry of Propaganda’s break room, and goddammit, it’s well past time y’all in the press wised up to the way these asshats manipulate you.
Because if commiseration and compassion have indeed become partisan, you aren’t dealing with a polite disagreement between reasonable folk, you’re talking about a movement seeking to replace civilization with sociopathy. And history shows us, without much subtlety, how that shit works out.
The truth is, Republicans despise Biden’s decency because it shames them, and they fear it because it’s what enabled him to defeat their Crotchrot Emperor in the first place. I’m sure these fucks would love nothing more than to turn Smilin’ Joe’s greatest asset into a liability, and it sure would be cool if the “paper of record” could replace a few of these docile stenographers with real reporters while the republic still stands.
Because decency IS partisan in America right now. From the halls of Congress to the Fux Nooz boardroom to each individual, personalized, wingnut rabbit hole, Republicans are united in their efforts to roll back hard-won human rights, and prolong this interminable fucking pandemic, spreading disease, suffering, and death, especially amongst children too young to vaccinate.
“Well DANG, CAP, that is one inflammatory accusation!” It is. Notice any lies?
If it’s confirmation you’re after, well, take a look at the Laboratory of Kakistocracy some call Texas, where voting is for white people, and women just got legally downgraded from “human” to “host body.”
Confronted about a particularly draconian aspect of his theocratic crackdown on female autonomy, Governor Greg Abbott claimed it would be silly to worry about the lack of exemption from his abortion ban for rape victims, cuz he’s gonna snap his fingers and eliminate rape completely, easy peezy.
Greg. Bro. Under your leadership, Texans are experiencing a quality of life that shouldn’t be possible in a nation as advanced and wealthy as the United States. You transformed your state’s energy grid into a warped experiment in mad libertarian science, allowing oligarchs to gleefully extract billions from the plebs while an expendable handful (just a couple hundred human beings, whatevs) FROZE TO DEATH IN THEIR OWN HOMES.
Your public health policy reads like it was crafted by coronavirus lobbyists, like pestilence’s own personal ALEC. You’re setting records for pediatric hospitalizations, Greg. Because you have chosen to value the esteem of maniacs over the lives of children, tens of thousands of kids have contracted Covid-19 on your watch. Dozens have died.
Did everybody catch that? I feel like we’re numb to these statistics, but as of last Friday, September 3rd, Texas had reported over 50,000 child coronavirus cases, and 59 deaths. Certainly more by now, and more to come. I bet I could come up with a really fantastic joke about the dark irony of these child-murdering bastards’ sanctimonious “pro-life” branding, but I’m too busy projectile vomiting.
Anyhoo, problem-solving doesn’t really seem to be your “thing,” Gregward, so forgive my skepticism regarding this secret plan to end rape forever. While we’re exchanging glove slaps, I may as well call into question the purity of your intentions, what with the LITERAL BOUNTIES you just authorized on women who exercise their reproductive rights. Texas actually leads the nation in rape, by the way, so heckuva job so far.
Word on the street is, Democratic strategists have finally begun embracing the political gifts that fall into one’s lap when one’s opponents deliberately cause thousands of senseless, preventable deaths, setting up a major midterm collision between the apocalyptic fatalism of Tate Reeves’ “what is a pandemic really but an opportunity for folks to get a head start on the afterlife?” and the politics of common fucking sense. I’m feeling optimistic, but far from cocky.
Jim “What if ringworm had a safely gerrymandered seat in the U.S. Congress” Jordan says, “vaccine mandates are un-American,” and call me old-fashioned, but I think once you formally vote to side with terrorists against your own country and Constitution, you waive all future participation rights in the “what counts as patriotism” debate.
Members of the Proud Boys, that delusional incel brigade you may remember from such terrorist attacks as the Capitol Riot, attempted to invade a high school full of children in Vancouver, Washington, enraged that the district had taken simple, scientifically sound measures to prevent the spread of Covid-19 through their student body. This story barely made a ripple at the national level, cuz we live in this fun, safe, extremely healthy culture that has normalized shitty white boy violence.
It will no doubt shock you to learn Senator Lindsey Graham (R-the Military-Industrial Complex) is already positively horny to re-invade Afghanistan. See, this why I never gave much thought to the speculation around Graham’s sexuality; it’s always been clear the man is only aroused by the spilt blood of other people’s children. There’s simply not enough Viagra in the world to make Lil’ Lindsey stand at attention during horrible, horrible peacetime.
In a thuggish attempt to bully their way out of the legal consequences of their treachery, a group of House Republicans (Gaetz, Brooks, Taylor Greene, Gosar…you know, the Nazis) sent a petulant, threatening letter to the CEO of Yahoo!…who hasn’t worked there in four years. I feel like I could almost handle the tyranny of the minority, if they weren’t so aggressively, defiantly subpar. The plot against America is being carried out on a third-grade reading level, and I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
Donald Trump Jr.’s uncontrolled sobbing washed away nearly $12,000 worth of cocaine when his dirtbag father, in one of those pathetic, post-Twitter ban cries for attention, expressed more affection for a freshly-removed statue of Robert E. Lee than he ever has, over the course of four decades and change, for his own firstborn son. You’re never gonna be able to compete with monuments to racist loser traitors, Junior; partially because Daddy is a narcissist, yes, but also because you’re absolute trash.
The Biden Administration’s ongoing fumigation of the executive branch finally dislodged a few celebrity squatters from their lame duck appointments to the advisory boards of the nation’s military academies, prompting some mildly amusing theatre. Lots of melodramatic wailing about “norms” from the likes of Sean Spicer and Kellyanne Conway? Okay, sure. Congrats on slithering your way back onto page 12 for a day, kids. I guess.
Looks as though Joe Biden finally had his fill of the dewormer-guzzling plague dispenser crowd, and their insistence on the right to not just die, but kill. GOOD.
In a speech heavy with the weary, “I’m sick and tired of asking you to stop shoving crayons up your nose” energy we all recognize from Every Waking Moment For Six Months Now, the President announced a new set of You’ll Fight Covid and Like It, Mister measures, including overdue mandates for millions of workers, to either take their pick of the three safe, effective vaccines, or submit to weekly testing, a common sense policy designed with the once-non-controversial goal of reducing sickness and death.
Good call, Joe. Carrot Time is over. We had Carrot Time for a long-ass time. Lotta people died to give these colicky toddlers all the Carrot Time anyone could reasonably expect. So, it’s Stick Time now. Half past Stick Time, if you ask me.
Instead of the “now that you mention it, saving lives and moving past the motherfucking pandemic both sound great; thanks, Joe!” response you’d expect from sane, rational beings, Republicans offered only “full on revolt” against these (checks notes) necessary public health measures, vowing scorched earth opposition to this intolerable violation of the coronavirus’ inalienable right to be escorted, classroom by classroom, though the entire fucking country, until every school has its very own mobile morgue parked out front to handle the surge in expendable kid corpses.
Sharing America with a death cult is like being trapped in an episode of The Odd Couple scripted by Cormac McCarthy during a bath salts overdose. I confess I do not care for it.
Anyway, the pumpkin spice horse paste I ordered just arrived, so it’s time for me to check out for the weekend. Stay safe out there, Resisters…times are real fuckin’ weird. Hey, I might not be back at our regular time next week; it’s Riot Fest weekend in Chicago, and I surely need the diversion. We’ll work something out.