Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Ah, I See the Fascist Death Cult Started Rolling Back Our Rights? That’s Fun.
Longtime readers know this blog’s opening paragraph has traditionally been a needlessly verbose “stuff sure is crazy” sort of thing; it’s a gag that’s worked for me for a long time, but would anybody mind if today, I just…screamed? I need me a good, sturdy, primal YOWL right about now, the kind you’d encounter in some mid-20th century method acting class. Fucking hell.
Turns out, a society goes through all sortsa wacky shit when it flirts with fascism. You see folks assault reporters live on camera, and bring zip ties to their kids’ school in order to kidnap the principal, cuz the great partisan battlefield of the moment is Spread Deadly Disease Amongst Children or Nah?
It was a time of stupendous collective mental health, is what I’m saying.
So, Mississippi Governor Tate Reeves claimed ICUs and graveyards throughout the Republican-ruled South are filling up with Covid victims due to neither lethally incompetent wingnut misrule, nor MAGA culture’s suicidal addiction to disinformation, but rather because Real ‘Muricans are wild-eyed fanatics who know better than to value human life on accounta how eternal rewards await the faithful disciples of that drooling game show host regularly overwhelmed in his intellectual jousts with the wily umbrella.
I bring this up in case you’d somehow blissfully forgotten that we’re all still (STILL!) trapped, with the Delta variant and a death cult, inside the stalled elevator that is the United States of America in 2021.
I can’t get over the sheer, shitty luck of it…a pandemic AND a death cult. Lord, that’s a trash hand. Spanish flu didn’t have Joe Rogan helpin’ things along, y’know?
Anyway. It truly would appear as though, despite the mobile morgues overflowing with the remains of anti-vax talk radio hosts, there is no stream of cautionary tales steady enough to cool the American Right’s lust for animal dewormer.
Ivermectin, folks. The mere idea of ivermectin is more addictive and mind-warping to these assclowns than any controlled substance. Their precious miracle cure for a disease that already has three fully functional miracle cures.
The crowd that mistook the fella who couldn’t figure out how to make money in the casino industry for the world’s greatest businessman knows WAY more about medicine than any dumb ol’ doctor, that’s for sure.
Some of these fools are actually going to court (and WINNING) to force hospitals to administer cow medicine to their Covid-afflicted relatives, which is a bit like asking a judge to make an auto mechanic shove a cantaloupe up your spouse’s ass: it won’t accomplish anything positive, and you’re FUCKING INSANE for thinking it will.
Meanwhile, in parts of rural Oklahoma, folks with legitimate medical emergencies are left to patiently bleed out in the lobby, because all the hospital beds are full of Nobel Prize-winning epidemiologists who self-medicated with livestock-sized doses of horse paste. Is this just…how life is now? Do we need to drastically expand our health care capacity to accommodate regular casualties inflicted by this patchwork, blackpilled/crowdsourced, dumbfuck WebMD?
Fuckers are buying fake vaccination cards now. Cool plan, bro. Flash that bad boy to the nurses right before you’re intubated, they’ll be SUPER impressed.
Rand Paul accused the entire global scientific community of refusing to seriously investigate the batshit conspiracy theories of internet weirdos out of “hatred for Donald Trump,” which makes about as much sense as seeking medical treatment at a feed store, I suppose. Hell, maybe it’s my standards that’re too high.
Meanwhile, Mitch McConnell sees little point in rebuking his deranged colleagues over their lethal lies, however high the butcher’s bill. While Yertle’s insatiable pursuit of power coupled with his complete lack of any sense of responsibility has made him the most disastrous legislator in American history, it must be said, he’d make one helluva Spider-Man villain.
A pastor and spokesman for an organization called National Religious Broadcasters got unceremoniously shitcanned for promoting vaccination. Yeah, you read that right. Look, if this is how things are gonna be, I need somebody to work up some synonyms for “death cult,” just to keep things lively around here.
Young Maddy Cawthorn no longer feels particularly obligated to slide much plausible deniability into his calls for violent retribution in the name of the Big Lie, I see. Man, who’da thought the Hitler’s Favorite Hideaways on 50 Euros A Day kid would pull so much Nazi shit?
That a Trumpler Youth poosquirt like Cawthorn remains a member in good standing of the House Republican Conference, while Freedumb Caucus alpha jackal Andy Biggs demands the expulsion of Liz Cheney and Adam Kinzinger for the sin of choosing country over party, for inciting accountability instead of violence, tells you all you need to know about the GOP of 2021: ignore it at your peril.
Though the Chuck Todds* of this world will do their damndest to paint this as politics as usual, (and politics as entertainment) the truth is, to shield the traitors and terrorists in their midst, the House GOP would happily burn American democracy to ash before allowing the rule of law to work its will. I believe I mentioned peril a moment ago. Laugh at the jokes, (please) but pay attention to the peril.
No wonder Kevin McCarthy’s running around, bleating out fashy little threats, vowing revenge on any tech company that complies with the January 6th commission’s requests for records. Such retaliation would be extremely illegal of course, but then, so was assaulting dozens of law enforcement officers in an attempt to overturn the most recent election. Ol’ K-Dog’s really starting to grow into his jodhpurs, ain’t he?
Seditious Dicktumor Mo Brooks, sounding not at all like a cornered crook, drenched in flop sweat as the fuzz closes in, hilariously suggested the commission lacked probable cause to subpoena his private communications, as though the entire world didn’t watch him address, and indeed incite the very mob of shitweasels that would shortly invade his workplace in search of Vice Presidents to lynch. Mo thinks “probable cause” is just a synonym for “Black,” of course.
Abusing the shadow docket process to slither past the public scrutiny that would accompany hearings on an issue so massive, Anti Choicey Barrett and her Four Inquisitor Horsemen not only effectively repealed Roe v. Wade in the dead of night, but deputized every theocrat incel in Texas as state-sanctioned bounty hunters, free to terrorize any neighbors who even think about helping a woman exercise autonomy over her own body.
Wow, did it get medieval in here or is it just me? I particularly enjoy the timing of this enormous, regressive power grab; the disease-spreading terrorist sympathizers feel they should be allowed to pick n’ choose which rights the rest of us get, you see. I dunno, maybe after crashing the economy and getting hundreds of thousands of people needlessly killed, and, oh yeah, decisively losing the election, you kids should sit your asses down in the corner with a third grade science textbook for a spell.
But no, see, when Republicans fuck up, they simply get straight to work undermining the right the vote; spares ‘em all that pesky “reflection” shit, and it’s certainly more fun than abandoning your archaic, failed, deeply unpopular positions JUST BECAUSE the public rejects them. Apparently one of the core tenets of modern conservatism is that America has no right to be governed competently.
So maybe everybody should VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS, lest the nation fall to these moldering dungbuckets once more. Just a thought.
Rough one this week, Resisters. Do not, under any circumstances, let the bastards grind you down. I mean it. That said, I need a beer now. NEED. See y’all ‘round…
PS – Hey Kickstarter backers: Answer yer surveys. Do it.