Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Seb Gorka’s Too Sexy For His Jordache Suede Vest and Other News
I must’ve left the Thanksgiving leftovers out overnight, right? They grew some sort of hallucinogenic mold, and the weekend’s Pink Elephants on Parade insanity is just a figment of my imagination, right?
Well, I wanna dive right into the largest controversy facing the nation today: separate videos have surfaced of Malia Obama blowing smoke rings and kissing a boy and probably holding up a bank with the Symbionese Liberation Army.
Don’t worry, America, the Daily Caller is ON IT.
The Candycorn Skidmark took to the Pneumatic Tweeting Machine to proclaim himself to be Time Magazine’s Secret Canadian Girlfriend. Yeah, they asked him to be Guy With Totally Normal-Sized Fingers of the Year, or something, but he was busy…doing Canadian things, I guess.
Meanwhile, Time Magazine’s over in the corner, doing the happiest dance imaginable, having briefly tricked the world into believing that Time Magazine is in any way relevant anymore.
There was some controversy regarding Sarah Huckabee Sanders and an allegedly forged chocolate pecan pie. Surly Spice took tremendous offense, of course. Sure, she’ll lie about crime, about terrorism, about health care, about taxes, about Russia, shit, that woman would lie about the color of her blouse, but even the Minster of Indoctrination for our Dime Store Mussolini Wannabe honors the sacred code of pastry candor.
While the Uncredible Huck’s pie may be real, the anti-net-neutrality commenters on the FCC website are NOT! (How’s THAT for a transition?) Yes, it looks like bots threw up millions of “Hell to tha Yes We Want a Couple of Megarich Corporations Deciding Which Websites We’re Allowed to Look At” comments, and for extra fun, the FCC won’t cooperate in investigations into this fraud, because bots are people too, especially when they want the same things Republicans want.
We were treated to dueling pieces on young Jared Kushner’s portfolio shrinking like Seb Gorka’s already-barely-extant weenie* in a cold pool. In a couple weeks, Jared’s “portfolio” will be reduced to overseeing a couple of interns he’ll order to reenact scenes from Mad About You in his office while he gradually devolves into a gibbering mess awaiting Robert Mueller’s inevitable indictments.
Didja see where Donnie Dotard thinks we have a literally invisible jet? Like, a jet airplane that flies around doing cool jet stuff, but nobody can see it, because it is FUCKING INVISIBLE. Gullible twit thinks we live in a comic book. Somebody could show him clips from Justice League, tell him it’s satellite footage, and he’d be tweeting about how some Parademons are “very fine people” by the end of the day.
Princess Ivanka and Low-T Rex are slap-fighting over who gets to embarrass America on the world stage, it’s just like a reality show! Except it’s two comically incompetent buffoons and we have to live with the consequences of their reckless childishness either way. Fun.**
Speaking of Tilly, the Failing New York Times dropped a horrifying article detailing his transformation of the State Department into Steve Bannon‘s Diplomatic Deconstruction Demolition Derby.
Rex is like that shitty neighbor who borrows your shit and breaks it. Somebody tell Bizarro J.R. Ewing we’re gonna want a State Department at some point in the future, so quit fucking it up.
And while we’re on the Gray Lady, they treated us to a heartwarming profile of an aw-shucks-I-done-holocausted-the-neighbor’s-dog Nazi next door. He likes Seinfeld while also wanting to put Jews into ovens, what a quirky contradiction! He is a lot like you and me, only he subscribes to a genocidal ideology, also here is his Pinterest page, he seems to have a thing for frogs, how cute!
(Also, pro tip: in the future, maybe don’t link to the Etsy Swastika Armband shop, k?)
So, you know how Richard Cordray left the CFPB? And how Team Shart wants to make Mick “Your Credit Card Contract Should Make You the Bank’s Legal Indentured Servant” Mulvaney the acting director?
Well, apparently the text of the bill that set up the CFPB in the first place (When I say “Dodd,” you say “Frank!”) stipulates that the Deputy Director automatically becomes Acting Director in the event of a vacancy, and Cordray appointed a Deputy Director on his way out the door.
Soooo…I guess the Bureau will have two directors show up to work Monday morning? Will they passive-aggressively squabble over the radio station and the lunch order? Set up dueling Secret Santa programs? Thumb-wrestle for supremacy? Tune in next week, same Consumer Protection time, same Consumer Protection channel…
Word is, Government Cheese Goebbels has taken to floating, in private, the idea that the Access Hollywood/Pussygrabber/Such an Insecure Loser He’s Trying to Impress a Tapeworm Like Billy Bush tape…is fake. We’re at the corner of narcissistic dementia and Holy Balls I Really Can Get Away With Anything, aren’t we?
And the Hairplug That Ate Decency attacked the free press again, because sometimes you just gotta play the hits. He says that Fux Nooz is the best, especially the Hannity Gives the President a Lapdance Propaganda Hour, but CNN is all fake news, especially the parts about the Russia investigation and Salma Hayek refusing to date him.
We can talk about how CNN International is the only free, open, media source many citizens of oppressive regimes worldwide have access to. We can also talk about how the President of the United States just gave the world’s dictators a free pass to treat journalists, many of them American citizens, as enemies of the state, endangering journalists’ lives. Indeed, Putin just signed a law designating such media organizations as “foreign agents,” what a coinkydink!
Mostly, it’s just fucking tragic that this blustering hemorrhoid doesn’t think twice about the damage he’s doing to the fundamental fabric of American democracy; he’s just looking to get his own crooked ass off the hook. If he has to set the whole damn Constitution on fire to stay out of jail, he won’t think twice about it.
General Michael Hayden says it best, I think.
Oh, and what does Il Douche propose as an alternative media outlet? Why, a white nationalist conspiracy site so looney you can hear the tinfoil crinkle as it loads.
And Littlefinger weighed in on the fast-approaching Alabama senate election, criticizing Doug “I prosecuted murderous Klansmen” Jones for being soft on crime, compared with Roy “I am literally a serial pedophile who was banned from the mall for hitting on high school girls” Moore. It’s just ZANY what a rich guy will do when he has a multi-million-dollar tax cut on the line, ain’t it?
As the legal bills start reaching into the millions, Team Shart has begun transferring the responsibility from their campaign coffers to a legal defense fund. Heh. Maybe that’s how we’ll get ’em, in the end…imagine Drumpf trying to write his shitty kid’s treason defense off as a charitable deduction…bam! Multi-million-dollar tax fraud scheme.
A little late breaking news: Susan Sarandon is still a smug, self-righteous moron. Stop the fuckin’ presses.
Alright, Resisters, that’s all I got tonight. The cranberry sauce looks like it’s fermented by now…I’m gonna try that Wizard of Oz/Dark Side of the Moon thing…
*Seriously. No secure human being would take this photo.
**Not actually fun.
I hate all of the news and you still made me laugh with ‘Surly Spice’ (which needs to live forever), and the ‘Hairplug that ate Decency’ which made me snort coffee (that hurts by the way). Thanks a million times.