Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
He Thought He Could Steal Nuclear Secrets…And Keep Them…At His House.
Well, the news continues its lascivious, herky-jerky dance ‘twixt the slapstick and psychological horror genres. You’re trying to enjoy the simple purity of laughing at some masturbatory wingnut performance art, when WHOOPSIE, one of ‘em did a terrorism again! It’s exhausting.
As you are no doubt aware, the single greatest act of tyranny ever committed against the American people occurred earlier this week, when the FBI trundled down to Marm-a-Lago to reclaim some of the shit Tangerine Idi Amin stole.
Yeah, I guess Donald Trump’s criminality is the great civil rights cause of our time. And while it’s certainly interesting that you freaks are so ready to kill and die for a game show host who’s spent years bragging about passing a cognitive test, I just don’t think whether we have a civil war or not should be up to Marjorie Taylor Greene.
Civil war is called for, y’see, because there’s no conceivable way Donald John Trump has ever done anything, in his spotless life of piety n’ service, to merit any law enforcement activity whatsoever, nay, not even one as mild as the execution of a legally-obtained search warrant. Civil. War.
Over Donald Trump. Who steals for the pleasure of stealing. Steals from charity. Revealed classified intelligence to the Russians in the Oval Office. Has been credibly accused of sexual assault by more people than I speak to most months. Who spent two months trying with all his might to overthrow the federal fucking government, culminating in crazed mob attacking Congress in the mind-numbingly moronic belief that disrupting a ceremony would make the entire constitutional order disappear like a fart on the wind.
So many crimes, you can’t keep ‘em straight. Shit, you’ve already forgotten about the article where we learned he wanted “his” generals to behave like Hitler’s, and that wasn’t even a week ago.
In a different case, the doddering old fop pleaded the Fifth like he didn’t know any other words in the English language. (No, not the case where his company’s accused of tax evasion, a different different one.)
And, as we’ve seen so often, he’s way too dumb to cover his tracks. It’s like he’s some sort of idiot bug monster that molts evidence. No possible way this dude earned this warrant, nah, it HAS to be tyranny. Are you fucking kidding me? Jesus, it’s like saying horse dewormer cures COVID-19, it’s – ohhhhhhhhhh now I see it.
I guess when you start at “Donald Trump cares about me, and if I vote for him, he’ll work on my behalf,” it’s a fairly short trip to hydroxychloroquine enemas and armed insurrection; the first absurdity on the road to atrocity.
And I certainly understand blind fealty to a celebrity that doesn’t have the first fucking clue you even exist. Why, when that Winona Ryder shoplifting thing happened, I declared myself a sovereign citizen and spent eleven months developing an elaborate plot to kidnap the Department of the Interior undersecretary I held responsible, but I carelessly scheduled the op for what turned out to be a federal holiday*, so it kinda fizzled.
Behaving precisely as a man with nothing incriminating in his safe would, the Dotard in Exile swiftly declared those dirty deep state dastards had surely planted evidence to besmirch his good name. And say what you will about Cult45, for all their deficiencies, they hate who they’re told to hate. This week, that’s law enforcement, specifically the FBI, which is…I mean, I’ve seen less ominous behavior.
In the end, there is, objectively, much, much more evidence that Donald Trump has committed a number of fairly ginormous crimes than there is that gay people are “groomers,” or that “critical race theory” is being used in public schools to indoctrinate children, but of course, one of the big perks of living inside a disinformation bubble is that any resistance to the harm you inflict automatically transforms into evidence of the persecution you face, thus justifying further retaliation on your part!
And this endless, lurching cycle of victimhood and aggression is pretty much the Republican Party’s entire GOTV strategy now, which I suppose is why damn near every prominent politician and pundit on the Right spent the week spouting the craziest, Proud-Boy-pokingest lies imaginable, miles beyond the rhetoric that got Steve King kicked off his committees just a few short years ago.
And we’re not talking about pimply randos, live-streaming from their mom’s basement, these are the most powerful elected Republicans in the nation. Rand Paul. Marco Rubio. Steve “David Duke Without the Baggage” Scalise, alleging, with nary a shred of evidence, that somebody in the FBI went “rogue.” Kevin “How Hard Can Herding Nazi Cats Really Be?” McCarthy, vowing retaliation, should he be handed such power to abuse.
It took a matter of mere hours for this organized, concentrated propaganda barrage to drive some addled fuckwit to attack an FBI office in Cincinnati, with an assault rifle and a nail gun, (a MOTHERFUCKING NAIL GUN) fantasies of sparking civil war dancing through his broken brain like sugarplum fairies. Left the saddest, stupidest Well I Done Got Muhself Killed farewell note on Off-Brand Orbán’s pathetic Twitter knockoff. Even the loser hate cult that made a martyr of Ashli Babbitt isn’t gonna be able to do much with this doofus.
Now, after such a smashing success, you might expect the nation’s stochastic terrorists to close up early for some celebratory day drinking at Chili’s, but it turns out, they were just getting warmed up.
Brian Kilmeade, filling in on Tucker Carlson’s White Power Hour, presented the most blatantly, clownishly doctored photograph you’ll ever see, depicting the judge who approved the Mar-a-Lago warrant partying with child trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell. Knowing everything we know about the violence caused by QAnon, he hung that target on that judge’s back. I guess because he didn’t explicitly offer to pay airfare for the first ten callers who expressed willingness to take a weekend off to go axe-murder the poor guy, we’re supposed to believe Kilmeade was just doing normal, journalist-y stuff here.
The judge was already receiving so many anti-Semitic death threats that his synagogue had been forced to cancel events, but there just never seems to be enough right-wing violence to satiate Rupert Murdoch’s bloodlust.
Unwilling to be outfashed, Elise Stefanik approvingly recited the nail gun creep’s manifesto, more or less word for word, a stupefyingly awful decision, made for abhorrent reasons, though coincidentally the very same ones that earned her Liz Cheney’s old job, and the platform she now desecrates daily, in the first place.
Also, suddenly last week’s BACK THE BLUE-shriekers today demand we DEFUND THE PO-PO, and while there’s likely no bipartisan common ground to be found there, the meetings sure would be interesting.
Anyway. Merrick Garland, forced into a game of political chess with a reckless manchild who thinks all the pieces are butt plugs, took a moment out of his day to effortlessly outmaneuver his forever overmatched foe, offering to release the warrant Wee Donnie One Term and his stooges were having such fun lying about.
And then, just as we’re all buckling under the weight of this fathomlessly batshit moment in history, they tell us the seized documents contain nuclear secrets, classified at the highest possible level. Documents they’ve made previous attempts to recover, and which were waiting for them, exactly where they knew they’d be, as their warrant, obtained with meticulous caution, confirms.
How did they procure such a wondrous, prescient warrant, you ask? Well, at least partially with witness testimony. Turns out there’s a MOLE in Shartopia’s highest halls, which has apparently introduced an element of paranoia into what I’m sure is an otherwise serene work environment.
Anyway, we got to see the warrant, and they’re investigating the 45th President of the United States of America for violating the Espionage Act, which feels like big news. It’s like a Tom Clancy novel, if they made him write it with somebody bludgeoning him in the forehead with a monkey wrench the entire time.
Still, even I have to admit it was pretty sketchy of the FBI to pull this shit while Hunter Biden roams free, committing every crime known to man simultaneously. The Hunter Biden hearings are gonna be so, so stupid, you guys. Howler monkeys flinging poo at the walls. Live on C-SPAN. For TWO YEARS.
Oh, also, Assclown Autogolpe apparatchik Scott Perry got his phone seized by the FBI, probably over that criminal conspiracy to end American democracy forever, but I’m not ruling out kiddie porn just yet. Alas, young Scottward made the rookie mistake of committing high crimes and/or misdemeanors without first procuring the services of a substantial, reliable lynch mob, so he’s havin’ some trouble generating attention for his lil’ plight. Poor guy.
The Mar-a-Lago raid made things tough for propagandists all over; in Putin’s troll farms, they don’t know whether to shit or go blind, though perhaps they’re just overworked from futile attempts to spin Russia’s biggest loss of military aircraft since WWII. That’s one mighty empire you’ve got there, Vlad. Everybody’s super impressed.
Some personal news: I’ve accepted a post as one of Joe Biden’s 87,000 new IRS stormtroopers. I start Tuesday. Can’t wait. Gonna go all Jade Helm on these weirdos. No more writing off livestock medication, ya filthy takers!
Anyway, it’s been kind of a one-story week, but let me try to hit a few random things before I collapse into a gibbering mess.
Turns out the GOP’s candidate for Michigan attorney general illegally breached voting equipment, in search of bamboo fibers or Mike Lindell’s pubes, or…who knows? Who cares? I assume even the water commissioner are dogcatcher nominees are fascists now.
Boy, government doesn’t get much smaller than the state scrolling through a mother’s private messages with her daughter in order to prosecute both for exercising the basic human right to bodily autonomy. Sometimes, there’s The Handmaid’s Tale so quickly.
Also, apparently Alex Jones sent Roger Stone nekkid pictures of his wife. I acknowledge this is not particularly newsworthy, but I saw it, so you have to, too.
I guess we could check in on the Democrats…anybody stealing state secrets over there? Riling up extremists armed with power tools? No? Oh, they passed the, whaddyacallit, the, the biggest climate bill ever? The one with all the massive drug cost savings? That was a thing. (The GOP’s one successful, spiteful swipe at the legislation kept the cost of insulin high for as many diabetic Americans as possible, and they sure are proud of themselves for that.)
Anyway, next person who says “may you live in interesting times” gets tased. I got a really nice taser on Prime Day, and I’ve been saving it for a special occasion.
*I never remember fucking Presidents’ Day. Never.