Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Crudités And Terrorism: Portrait of a Party Gone Mad
So, I’ve never been a big slasher movie guy, are there ones where the Attractive Vacationing Youths find themselves locked up with, like, hordes of heavily-armed morons? Gibbering idiots, incapable of so much as processing objective reality, yet still imbued with furious, fanatical, murderous certainty? I feel like such a genre would thrive in the current climate.
Forgive me, I’m a little grumpy tonight, I’m all but completely incapacitated by the hangover I don’t have from celebrating the political demise of the Cheney family. My head should be throbbing right now. My blood type should be Kölsch. But noooooooo, Wyoming voters didn’t reject Liz Cheney by a 40-point margin over her plutocrat economics or her daddy’s war crimes, but because she defended democracy, and in doing so blasphemed against their festering shitpile god. Which actually isn’t awesome at all.
Once again, ascendant American fascism is the turd in our punchbowl.
And fuck everyone involved for making me want, shit, making me ache for “the Republican Party of Liz Cheney.” The Republican Party of Liz Cheney was room temperature dog poo on stale toast, and I MISS IT SO MUCH FUCK YOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUU.
Because the rapidly congealing consensus is that the Marm-a-Lago raid is a political positive for Off-Brand Orbán, tightening his tiny-fisted grip on the rage-warped idiot death cult known as the GOP. I guess they’re looking to beef up that otherwise nonexistent platform with populist policy proposals like This One Game Show Host Should Be Allowed to Commit Any Crime He Likes, Up To And Including Theft of Nuclear Secrets.
Cult45 is actually showering the crooked bastard with donations right now, (which is rude, frankly; everyone knows he prefers hooker piss) while somehow making time in an already jam-packed death threat-sending schedule (more on that in a minute) for the FBI.
In short, what’s left of MAGA nation following natural selection’s recent team-up with ivermectin is dumber, angrier, and crazier than ever. Unless the great resignation takes a turn, and thirty or forty million of us decide to take up cult deprogramming, I imagine we’re in for a pretty freaky ride in the days to come.
Just how freaky? Well, former CIA Director Michael Hayden approvingly shared a tweet from columnist Edward Luce, reading “I’ve covered extremism and violent ideologies around the world over my career. Have never come across a political force more nihilistic, dangerous & contemptible than today’s Republicans. Nothing close.” It’s hard to disagree. And you have to figure, in Hayden’s line of work, one encounters a fair amount of nihilistic/dangerous/contemptible types.
Hard to think of three words that suit this oozing clump of rectal tumors better, honestly, though I would also be willing to accept “gullible” or “malodorous.”
But let’s focus on “dangerous” for a minute. You’ve probably noticed a bumper crop of columns n’ think pieces lately, on America’s growing right-wing political violence problem, many of which take on the “welp, guess this is life now” tone that only surfaces in history’s healthiest democracies.
‘Course, if you asked the fashy agitators down in Trumpworld, they’d tell you the trouble is there’s not enough violence. They’re threatening to reveal the identities of the FBI agents dispatched to reclaim the government’s stolen property, while demanding the unmasking of the witnesses who provided DoJ with the evidence necessary to procure the warrant, because there’s a whole legion of Ricky Shiffers waiting in the wings, hoping to become America’s Next “Lone Wolf” Terrorist.
But I’m sure the vanquished Velveeta Vulgarian’s offers to “reduce the heat” are sincere. As sincere as his wedding vows.
Certainly nobody else in the GOP got the memo. (Perhaps the FBI seized it?) New York congressional candidate Carl Paladino wants to execute Merrick Garland, while Mark Finchem, the party’s nominee for Arizona Secretary of State, and card-carrying Oath Keeper, kept a “treason watch list” on Pinterest, which really oughta be the very first thing that pops up when you google “the banality of evil.”
Anyway, until they get their marching orders from the Emperor of Hemorrhoids and Crotchrot, th’base will just have to content themselves with terrorizing the staff at Boston Children’s Hospital, the latest target of stochastic terror influencer Chaya Raichik, via her vile “LibsofTikTok” Twitter account. Everybody’s gettin’ their reps in, see.
Meanwhile, music ground to a halt at the fascist debutante ball that is Ron DeSantis’ governorship, when a federal judge partially blocked his “Stop WOKE Act,” (yes, he really calls it that, being seven years old emotionally) because the First Amendment is still a thing, or at least it was when I published this post; I don’t want to get cocky without access to Kavanaugh’s to-do list.
Still, book-burning remains nearly as popular on the Right as sending death threats to children’s hospital doctors. If any of these thought police types were capable of handling criticism, or, y’know…learning, I might casually suggest that when you ban The Diary of Anne Frank, certain conclusions will be drawn, but I imagine there are more productive uses for my time.*
Turns out Lauren Boebert didn’t marry the warm, thoughtful, well-liked literature professor you’ve no doubt always pictured, but rather a rampaging drunk who picks fights with neighbors and runs over their mailboxes and such. There’re Palins everywhere, of course; most folks just know better than to vote for ‘em.
Turdmaggot Organization CFO Allen Weisselberg pleaded guilty to fifteen felony charges, joining the long and lengthening list of confessed and/or convicted criminals in a certain Deposed Dotard’s inner circle, including Paul Manafort, Roger Stone, Mike “The Turkish Delight” Flynn, Michael Cohen, Steve Bannon, George Nader, Rick Gates, and even little Georgie Papaderpaderp, remember him, anyway, there’s obviously no way any law enforcement action against a guy who’s surrounded himself with felons for decades could possibly be legitimate, see you at the civil war.
Weisselberg will be testifying against the company as part of his plea deal, so I imagine Wee Donnie One-Term wishes he could get a semi-competent lawyer or two to represent him, which he categorically cannot. Yeah, being King of the Losers looks really cool, until you actually need something done professionally. You can incite a whole-ass murder mob, sure, but what fucking good are they, if they can’t even lynch one teensy-weensy Vice President?
Maybe he can hire Rand Paul, who believes he’s stumbled onto the solution to all of Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s legal woes: simply repeal the laws he broke! After interminable years of listening to the dipshit Paul clan shoot their fool mouths off about shit they don’t understand, (which is everything) I’m more convinced than ever that the sole function of libertarianism, as a philosophy, is to aid mediocre men in their lifelong quest to ignore the clown makeup staring back at them from every mirror.
Anyway, there’s gotta be a supply-side problem when it comes to attorneys who’re simultaneously experts in sedition law and indifferent to the idea of getting paid, especially considering recent legal setbacks for Lindsey Graham, Eric Herschmann, and ol’ Trenchmouth McCousinfucker himself, who is not just a witness, but a target in the Fulton County investigation.
Getting back to Mikey Hairshirt, he says he’s willing to “consider” testifying before the January 6th commission, which I guess almost counts as bravery in the spineless cuckwad that comprises the Party of Lincoln these days. Show me on the doll where he made you abandon EVERY FUCKING PRINCIPLE YOU EVER FUCKING HAD EVERY FUCKING DAY FOR FIVE FUCKING YEARS, Mike.
Turns out a Sidney “The Krackhead” Powell-led effort to illicitly procure sensitive election data was much more extensive, and (yikes) successful than previously known, because we’re trapped in this mega-fun moment in history where even the past gets scarier. Yay.
It was an especially obscene week for post-Dobbs horror stories, between the woman forced to carry an unviable, indeed partially headless fetus because PRO LIFE, and the Florida court that ruled a 16-year-old is insufficiently mature to qualify for the basic human right to bodily autonomy, which is just life-y as all get-out. Life life life. Much lifier than those heathen days when we didn’t deploy the power of the state to torture quite so many women. It’s a regular life-a-palooza out there.
Sending my best Jeremiah Johnson nod to Dwight Garner at the Failing New York Times, for his review of Jared Kushner’s silly, self-aggrandizing, new “book,” even though it doesn’t have enough swears for my taste. Should the last, fraying thread of my sanity finally snap, I may offer Dwight my blog before I run, screaming, into the night.
Against the backdrop of so much frankly terrifying shit, I’m almost grateful for the ongoing misadventures of bumbling telegrifter Mehmet Oz, who’ll soon have plenty of time to go crudité-hopping between his ten homes, once he wraps up this unpaid internship on the Fetterman campaign. Y’know, I may never be a millionaire or a celebrity or a Senator, but at least I can get in and out of a grocery store without driving a steamroller over my own nutsack.
Jesus. Even after all these years, I confess I’m still blown away by how very, very stupid all of this is. Sigh. Well, stay safe out there, folks…stupid has a way of turning dangerous real quick lately.
I may have succumbed to the pull of the void. I’m now fantasizing that in our James Patterson/Tom Clancy novel that’s passing for political reality these days Alex Jones’ texts will also be found in the Mar-a-Lago boxes by the filter team. Surely NONE of us had any of the past few weeks’ events on our bingo card! Thanks for all you do.
You must know I live for your posts, and have for years, so it seems almost petty to point out an obvious misspelling, but… It’s not Marm-a-Lago, it properly is Marm-a-Lardo. Just a typo. I know. Carry on! Kisses!!
And here I thought it was “Lard O MAGATS”, Golf resort and southern National Archives Center. Thanks for the clarification
I think the Oxford English Dictionary cites the origin of the name as a corruption of the term MAGA LOCO
Whatever the origin of the name one thing is certain… CORRUPTION WAS INVOLVED
OK. I always called it Marde (french for ‘shit’)-a-Lardo. My bad.
I bought Cult deprogrammer .40, and I also have a treason weasel list that includes Mark Finchem. Imagine that.
Cripes almighty, threatening the Boston Children’s Hospital doctors…I can’t even imagine how these people can make it through a single day without spontaneously exploding. I wish they would!
You’re a celebrity to us, Cap
You just ROCK. You are the north star of sanity. It’s good to not be alone in this cradle of nascent facisism.
The stupid just keeps getting stupider. I watch with disbelief, waiting to wake up from this endless nightmare. On Friday nights, I get to bask in your words and enjoy the comments, too. I look forward to this blog all week. It reassures me that I’m in good company and not alone in my horror and disgust. Thanks for sharing your delightful insights and sense of humor.
I laughed my ass off tonight, reading your blog. Keep up the good work Cap and stay safe out there!
From David French in The Atlantic:
Here’s the new narrative—and I have no doubt that a number of readers have heard all or much of it from their MAGA friends and family members—goes something like this:
The Trump presidency exposed the true evil of the left. They persecuted Trump more than any other president in history. First, there was the Russia hoax, then the impeachment hoax, then they shut down the economy and schools to destroy Trump; they shut down churches to destroy the Church. They burned cities. They hollowed out our police forces. They were tyrants. They forced us to wear masks that didn’t work and to take an experimental vaccine that has killed tens of thousands of vulnerable Americans.
They hated Trump because Trump was God’s anointed leader to save the nation, and it’s no surprise that the forces of hell came against him.
Even then, they knew they couldn’t beat him. So they changed election rules. Dead people voted. Thousands of “mules” stuffed the ballot boxes, and then they tried to stop Trump from investigating fraud. And if anyone’s to blame for January 6, it’s Nancy Pelosi for leaving the Capitol unguarded. They just let people walk in, and now they’re holding political prisoners in solitary confinement. Second impeachment was a joke, another hoax. But still they can’t keep Trump down. Joe Biden is senile. He can barely walk or talk. Trump is coming back, and they know it, so they’re attacking him again.
Why do I stand with Trump? Because God has appointed him for this moment. And the hatred of the Democrats is proof.
As always, Cap, thanks. I needed a good laugh this morning. I knew I could count on you. Take care of yourself, you sound a bit stressed. I have no idea why, but I’m feeling a bit that way also. Glad I can count on you to show me a ‘different’ way of looking at things.
Good work this week Cap.
My two cents re: Dwight Garner’s review of Jared’s name dropping book…
I personally just have a hard time believing that Jared, who gives weasels a bad name, probably sits down to pee, and likely eats a Snickers with a knife and fork was ever in the presence of Bono, Billy Joel, and Bob Geldof. How long before they all deny they were there, or have even met him? If he wasn’t the recipient of multiple “loaded” swirlies in college it can only be due to living in a fraternity of similar silver spooned effetes who had staff “beneath” them to dislodge and pull the chain on their stool: mentally, figuratively, and literally. He makes my skin crawl.
Cap, Alice may have seen some weird shit and Dorothy definitely pulled the shoes off a dead witch and killed a woman with a house but it pales in comparison to the actual ugliness that you so adroitly expose in your weekly blog. Thank you for never failing to leave us with a bright thought to end each week – esp. the “telegrifter” Mhemet Oz – “telegrifter” brilliant.
Ya know Cap, almost as entertaining as your blog, are the comments from your loyal readers (almost, I said, ‘cuz nobody can replace you).
Whilst I receive your blog on Friday evenings, I wait to savor it with my Saturday morning coffee (or beer as the case may be). But the problem is that it’s like a drug high…fun and games for a while, only to be followed by the inevitable descent back to reality…knowing that these fuckwads and butt pustules are still out there…geez, that’s a terrible downer after such an exhilarating read of your tome. However, we your readers will continue to anticipate each and every installment…sometimes sanity requires some sacrifice. Stay safe and healthy, and may your wit and insight continue to spread good cheer…who knows, maybe some slackjawed GQP’r might read it one day and go “Hmmmmm, this boy may be on to something”…
I’m consistently amazed (and delighted) by your rare combination of intellect, humor, and capacity for snark. We are all in your debt!
Thanks, man! Kudos!
As always, your turns of phrase are unparalleled. Favorites here: “Show me on the doll where he made you abandon EVERY FUCKING PRINCIPLE YOU EVER FUCKING HAD EVERY FUCKING DAY” and “ unpaid internship for John Fetterman”. Enjoy the beer.