I write to you tonight from war-torn Chicago, where busloads of Antifas have run amok, smashing our deep-dish pizzas into that flat, flaccid shit they sell in New York. Luckily, heroic agents of ICE have been firing pepperoni balls at the traumatized populace, ensuring —

Sorry, what’s that? Pepper balls? Well, no wonder that pastor was so upset. Say, this isn’t emergency pizza triage at all! This is tyranny!

Yeah, we’re having a grand old time here in the Windy City, as the nation’s Kooky Kakistocrat Kabal beta-tests martial law. We did get that fun little restraining order to prevent DHS from using excessive force against reporters and protesters, because one of the funnest things about being American right now is that you have to go to court to stop your government from violently suppressing your constitutional rights.

Only thing funner is watching regime media manufacture consent for the crackdown with the laziest lies this side of “drug prices are going down 1500%.” Kash Patel knows damn well there aren’t 110,000 gang members in Chicago, but he’ll keep zip-tying naked children until he finds every single one.

Ah, well. At least things aren’t as bad as they are in Portland, thank God; we still have stores and windows. Hopefully the Inflatable Frog Brigade can keep the 82nd Airborne tied down long enough to give us a chance to throw up some barricades before Off-Brand Orbán invokes the Insurrection Act.

Yeah, ahead of the next round of No Kings protests (hope t’see y’all there!), Republicans’re giddily branding all participants as “terrorists,” so I guess we’re done with the whole “toning down the incendiary rhetoric” thing.

(Oh look, as I type this, ICE thugs are violently detaining members of the local media on the streets I walk every single week. Funner and funner!)

If there’s a more sinister sound than Stephen Miller hissing about “plenary authority,” well, I’m sure we’ll hear it before Thanksgiving, because they are GOING FOR IT, y’all. Once they run out of nannies to terrorize, ICE is to be redeployed against liberal activist groups, while the weaponized DoJ targets George Soros, and Elon cheerleads for a Bukele-style purge of the judiciary from his ketamine cave.

Letitia James became the latest Enemy o’ the State™️ to get indicted on spurious charges by the President’s insurance attorney, though it looks like she’ll soon have John Bolton to keep her company in the gulag.

…yeah, I just cannot figure out how that Nobel Peace Prize slipped through his stunted, ineffectual fingers. You know he’s second-guessing his entire reign, like, “Did I not blow up enough fishing boats or un-eradicate enough diseases?”

Perhaps some sort of clue can be uncovered in the week’s news headlines?

Here’s one:

“Starving children screaming for food as US aid cuts unleash devastation and death across Myanmar”

Or howzabout:

“Trump’s USAID pause stranded lifesaving drugs. Children died waiting.”

OH THAT’S RIGHT, he’s responsible for more suffering and death than anyone alive except maybe Putin! I forgot!

“B-b-but nobody’s EVER ended SEVEN wars in SEVEN months!”

That’s correct. Donald Trump certainly hasn’t. He sure has starved a bunch of kids to death, though.

Of course the Children of the Candy Corn are taking the snub hard, because the First MAGA Commandment says the more Fashy Daddy repeats a lie, the truer it becomes. Those uppity Norwegians pierced their precious bubble, and reality came pouring in, which is the one thing they simply can’t abide.

Speaking of big, fat, stupid lies, several participants in the criminal conspiracy to overturn the 2020 election expressed disapproval of law enforcement’s investigations into their treasonous conduct before returning to their day jobs, writing laws the rest of us have to follow here in the healthiest of all possible democracies.

I see the Dotard swung by Walter Reed for his second “annual physical” in six months; just your standard cankle-draining-and-a-cognitive-test check-up. Hey doc, you got anything for facial droop? I dunno, Botox, or maybe a thumbtack?

Some good news: gas will finally hit $1.99 per gallon next year, but only if you pay with the illegally minted $1 coins the U.S. Treasury plans to issue to commemorate the nation’s 250th birthday with the graven image of a rapist.

Donnie Two-Dolls pledged to “take a look at” pardoning notorious sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell, because those Epstein files definitely don’t contain a series of complaints, of escalating intensity, that the underage “massage therapists” do not sufficiently resemble a certain someone’s daughter.

We may never know, since Mike Johnson clearly hopes to keep the government in perpetual shutdown, lest he be forced to seat Adelita Grijalva, or as he likes to call her, Vote 218 on Massie’s F@*%ing Discharge Petition.

Oh yeah, the government remains shut down, by the way. You could be forgiven for not noticing; it’s usually a much bigger deal, but it’s tough to crack the front page with the executive branch constantly expanding its multi-front war on the citizenry.

In fact, Speaker Moses keeps extending his caucus’ paid vacation, apparently because he imagines he can handle messaging all by his lonesome, which is adorable. If they ever do a biopic of Mike Johnson, it’ll be a cartoon about a rubber stamp that thinks it’s Speaker of the House.

Ah, but Hell hath no fury like a wingnut scorned, and so Marjorie Taylor Greene of all people has been making the media rounds, telling anyone who’ll listen that yes, Republicans are, in fact, responsible for skyrocketing health insurance premiums. Good thing you gave her those committee assignments back, huh?

If the White House “Antifa Roundtable” was designed to raise awareness of the raging mental health issues plaguing the American Right, it was a rousing success; if it had any other purpose whatsoever…yikes.

Can’t say I’m a fan of the President of the United States bragging about how he “took the freedom of speech away” from flag-burners, however erroneously.

We haven’t seen such a gathering in a government building since the Capitol Riot. Posobiec. Ngo. Sortor. Choe. Higby. Kristi Noem claimed to’ve arrested the girlfriend of one of Antifa’s founders, so somebody should probably check Mamie Eisenhower’s grave.

Only marginally less terrifying/embarrassing (embarrifying?) was the next day’s Cabinet meeting, which featured all the usual bootlicking plus RFK Jr.’s inadvertent admission that he must’ve been dealing heroin during some of the more fundamental reproductive health classes of his youth.

Pam Bondi needed a cheat sheet to preen her way through a Senate hearing, hoping to come off like a big, tuff autocrat who would never face accountability or comeuppance, but ultimately going viral only for her refusal to answer questions about the existence of photos from Jeff Epstein’s private stash of her dirtbag boss with “half-naked young women,” because like all these fascist clods, she’s nowhere near smart enough to pull this shit off.

Secretary Funsoxx has opened nearly 300 investigations into warfighters n’ nonuniformed personnel (or “warhelpers”) for the high crime of Insufficient Deification of Reichstag Charlie, surely the efficientest use of taxpayer dollars since that one rapist demanded a military parade for his birthday.

TPUSA announced it will counter-program the Super Bowl halftime show, providing a safe space for the sort of “heritage Americans” who call the cops whenever they see a brown person driving through their neighborhood.

Qatar gets to build an Air Force base on American soil, apparently, and everyone who didn’t think to give the most bribable man in human history a used jet is kicking themselves.

Herschel Walker is an ambassador now. Yeah, to the Bahamas. Hope they don’t have too many, y’know…trees there.

Let’s check in on the laboratories of kakistocracy (or “red states,” if you prefer) real quick:

The impressionable children of DeSantistan need no longer fear the hypnotic indoctrination powers of gay crosswalks, thanks to Governor Ron-Ron’s anti-woke bulldozers.

61-year-old former police officer Larry Bushart sits in jail for posting a meme on Facebook, not in North Korea or Iran, but in the perhaps-somewhat-less-than-great state of Tennessee.

Oh, and the GOP nominee for Virginia governor is hatefully, possibly murderously insane. Not a red state, admittedly, but the rule of threes must be observed.

I regret to inform you I’ve finally gotten to the bottom of Jesse Watters’ warped sense of masculinity: he’s hot for Stephen Miller. See, he’s afraid to eat soup in public because he’s worried everyone will be able to tell that what he really wants to slurp is spray-on hair off the “sexual matador’s” cue ball noggin. Listening to Jesse go on and on (and ON and ON), it’s pretty clear…it ain’t AOC who wants to tap that evil ass.

Now that I’ve destroyed your ability to keep food down for the foreseeable future, feel free to invest any resultant savings in my tip jar/beer fund (now accepting Cash App, PayPal, and Venmo!), OR BETTER YET…

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General Washington & the Liberty Tree is a Tom Clancy-style political thriller for fans of dark, character-driven superhero stories that speak to real-world issues! Who owns America and her symbols? Who’s allowed to wear them, wave them, kill in their name?

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