- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
I Saw Hoodie Fetterman With the Devil, and Other Crucible Jokes That Don’t Quite Work
Historians will surely mark this week as the precise moment American decline became irreversible, as John Fetterman presided over the United States Senate wearing pasties and a g-string, while Susan Collins go-go danced in a shark cage suspended above Josh Hawley’s desk. Indeed, at this point, the only thing preventing the total collapse of the nation’s economy is David Brooks’ drinking habit.
Kevin McCarthy was far too busy stepping on rakes and running crotch-first into furniture corners to meet with Volodymyr Zelensky, so he vetoed a proposed joint congressional address, which spared the Ukrainian president the embarrassment of getting molested by Lauren Boebert, anyway.
On a certain level, it’s not really fair to ask McCarthy to lead the House through a shutdown crisis. It’s like asking an emu to quarterback the Dallas Cowboys. But bless his heart, Kevin somehow always manages to blow right past my frankly cruelly low expectations.
I don’t mean to minimize the challenges inherent in corralling a horde of preening hyenas, but when you spend a week watching this clod repeatedly fail to coax his Republican majority into even opening debate on a freakin’ defense appropriations bill, you can’t help but think, “Hey, who let that emu out on the field? And how’d they get those cleats on him?”
Gonna be a ride, folks. Don’t plan on visiting any national parks any time soon.
Indicted co-conspirator Jenna Ellis stuck with Inmate P01135809 through murderous pandemic mismanagement and bloody insurrection, but when he refused to pay her legal bills, suddenly she noticed he’s a “malignant narcissist.” Welcome to the party, Jenna. Help yourself to some horse paste, we picked it up just for you.
Ellis is now widely expected to flip on her old boss, joining former aide Molly Michael, who told federal investigators the Dotard used classified documents as scratch paper for to-do lists and such. No doubt there’re plans for military strikes on Iran with lewd little missives to Ivanka scrawled in the margins.
We’re told Wee Donnie One-Term has grown increasingly anxious about the prospect of doing serious prison time, and no wonder, since he just torpedoed his own last-ditch legal defense on Meet the Press. Not only are you absolutely destined to pass the remainder of your days in “one of those jumpsuits,” bro, they’re tailoring yours for a guy who’s 6’3” and 215 pounds.
Following his criticism of Florida’s six-week ban, anti-abortion activists complained the Velveeta Vulgarian sold them out like they were, I dunno, our Kurdish allies in Syria or somethin’, but what’re they gonna do about it, back DeSantis?
The pre-mortems are already rolling in, as Ron has fallen to fifth place in New Hampshire, behind Nikki Haley, Chris Christie, and a surprisingly strong write-in campaign for Kevin Sorbo. Team DiSappointus’ steadily plummeting ambitions have already landed on “finishing a strong second in Iowa,” en route to the inevitable “securing a decent seat at Scott Walker’s monthly euchre game.”
On the eve of Mark Milley’s retirement, The Atlantic took us on a whimsical stroll down memory lane through his tenure as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff during the Fall of the Turd Reich, recounting such timeless anecdotes as Yes, Mr. President, Guam is Part of America (And Therefore We Should Not Let North Korea Nuke It), and Wounded Veterans Sure Are Gross, Huh?
And hey, Chuck Schumer even managed to sneak Milley’s replacement past Tommy Tuberville, by distracting the Alabama Senator with that trick where you make it look like you’re pulling the top half of your thumb off. He screamed and passed out.
Merrick Garland thought he could get away with using taxpayer dollars to sponsor Hunter Biden’s Naked Bike Ride in Support of the Criminalization of Catholicism™️, but against the veritable wad of Columbos comprising Gym Jordan’s House Judiciary Committee crew, he never stood a chance.
Well, the cricket-infested Texas Senate officially granted cartoonishly corrupt attorney general Ken Paxton the license to commit all the crime he likes, which’ll certainly come in handy on his eagerly anticipated revenge tour. Now, Paxton’s making obscene squawks about a primary challenge to Senator Cornyn, a helpful reminder of the one fundamental truth of Republican politics: somehow, they always, ALWAYS find someone even shittier.
Son of Skidmark’s Xwitter account got hacked, almost certainly because his password was something ridiculously easy to guess, like “12345” or “password” or “Whydoesn’tdaddyloveme?”
Incidentally, I wonder what Elon’s blaming on th’Jews this week? Oh, nothing much, just “the destruction of western civilization.” Off-Brand Orbán, in contrast, targets only the liberal Jews, which is downright moderate of him. Shana Tovah, everybody!
Rupert Murdoch announced he’s stepping down as Archbishop of Propaganda to spend more time with the ravenous demonic entities that come into focus a little more clearly each day as the contract he signed at that crossroads outside Melbourne approaches maturity. Full disclosure: I haven’t seen Succession yet, so I will be unable to fulfill audience expectations for the duration of this paragraph. As always, you may return any unused portion of this blog for a full refund.
While Missouri State Senator and Republican gubernatorial candidate Bill Eigel wasn’t actually burning books in a viral video, he expressed openness to burning books in the future, “on the front lawn of the governor’s mansion,” which would be a pretty shitty thing to do to the groundskeeper, on top of the, y’know, fascist overtones.
Seems Amerikkka’s Mayor was so ensorcelled by the atmosphere of impending mob violence on January 6th, 2021 that he simply could not refrain from groping Cassidy Hutchinson. Forgive me if I’m unable to muster any sympathy for the longtime lawyer Giuliani apparently stiffed, by the way. Get in line, pal, behind the Georgia election workers Rudy harassed and defamed.
New reporting yet again revealed Clarence Thomas’ brazen corruption runs even deeper than previously known, and I already used the gag about cutting and pasting a paragraph into future blogs to save time, didn’t I? Dangit.
Speaking of brazen corruption that runs even deeper than previously known, perhaps if we all chipped in for a gold bar or two, Bob Menendez could be enticed into early retirement. Tired of this jag fartin’ up the air on the moral high ground, y’know?
Bob’s indictment is, of course, merely a DoJ plot to create the illusion of impartiality, just like the Hunter Biden charges, and especially the charges Ray Epps just pleaded guilty to. That wily deep state’ll sneak right up on ya, if you’re not careful.
Amidst yet another round of layoffs, Project Veritas announced the indefinite suspension of all operations, and that’s certainly wonderful news, but I feel like karma still owes us some hemorrhoids and wasp stings here.
Anyway, to get back to the genuinely important shit, I do believe that United States senators should adhere to a fairly formal dress code, but as a body double replacement, obviously this wouldn’t apply to “Senator Fetterman.” That’s just common sense.
Well, assuming the emu’s shutdown doesn’t disrupt the alcohol supply chain, I should be back next week…though it might not hurt to restock the beer fridge, just in case. As always, I appreciate your kind support. Stay safe out there, m’lovelies…
(Still working to rebuild the following at the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter, where I can now be found @john_luzar)
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Hey Cap: you forgot Justice Clearance Sale Thomas, but it was a busy news week. Still, hilarious as always. 🍺
Yes, it is there, he didn’t forget. Right above Bob Menendez of the gold bars fame.😃
The Cap is in fine form once again, casually tossing out unique and snort-worthy commentary like it ain’t no thing. It’s hard to believe you can keep coming up with these gems, but thankfully you do, because the cavalcade of shithooks appears to be endless.
Cheers!
You’ve truly caught your post sabbatical stride with this one, Cap. Thanks.
Your intro paragraphs are always stellar, but this one gets an award for lovely imagery and David Brooks’ bullshit expensive ( unless you drink a bottle of scotch with it) lunch. Bravo! So glad you’re back.
We’ve missed you Cap!! Beer coming your way!
Thank you ,Thank you.Boy I needed that. Once you paint a word picture, It’s hard to unsee.
Thank you! Extra bonus points for two Wisconsin references: DiSappointus joining failed has-been Wanker’s euchre games and Aging Kewpie Doll’s wild Naked Bike Ride petulance, befuddling all of us. Hope the latter’s opponent in 2024 runs that clip to remind even horribly gerrymandered voters that the twerp has done Nothing for his constituents, ever.
It’s embarrassingly humiliating to even contemplate the embarrassing humiliation Keville Chamberlain must feel 24/7/365, if he were even capable of feeling such a thing, which, apparently, he is not. How DID they get those cleats on him?
I hope everyone is aware there are “I’m John Fetterman’s Body Double” t-shirts available. Once money isn’t quite so tight, I fully intend to buy one.
Thanks for the hilarious wisdom, Cap; so glad you’re back.
So glad you mentioned Kevin McCarthy’s snub of President Zelensky. So rude. The Canadian House of Commons gave Ukraine’s heroic president a standing ovation. Sometimes it’s just so embarrassing to put up with the right wing goon squad, especially when they are functioning as Russian assets. I am grateful, though, that our country, with a lot of pissing and moaning from some, has given Ukraine assistance, although I wish they would give them a lot more, a lot faster. But you did point out the benefit to Zelensky of being spared from unwanted attentions from a certain horny congressperson. Thanks! That made me laugh.
For me, you came out of nowhere during Covid, and welcome you were. Thanks for all the beer-foaming-out-my-nose
guffaws! Worried for you and wished you best during your absence. Have started Bingo card each week, in anticipation of your comments, and you fill it, plus, every time!
Cap my boy you are the best. Thanks, C Tyner
“Clarence Thomas’ brazen corruption runs even deeper than previously known”
Give some credit to the corruption of our Nazi billionaires. Corruption runs deep when they can routinely bribe Supreme Court Judges and especially, they bribe Clarence Thomas. And Clarence likes it. Another billionaire can be added to those who already own Clarence. The Fossil Fuel Polluter Koch, and his super secret Political Bribe Committee have been financing Clarence and the Insurrection for more than twenty years. It is even worse than the “Political Action Committee” that Clarence and Ginni used to pay the Insurrectionists to destroy democracy. The Koch’s bribery has been kept secret as the Supreme Court and Clarence voted to allow billionaires to keep their Nazi “donors” secret for these Special Bribery Organizations. Some might think that secret organizations financed by Nazis, should not be secret. Koch continues to destroy the government and have us all ruled by Nazi Fossil Fuel Corporations. And Koch has been quite successful as he does own the Supreme Court.
The Insurrection is part of a twenty years or more conspiracy, possibly started by the Koch’s at the super secret Bohemian Groves. Clarence goes to Bohemian Groves regularly, where the most evil people in the USA plot their next economic depression, war or insurrection. He pals around with the Koch’s, Crow, the Bushies, Kissinger, Eric Prince and Leonard Leo of the Fascist Federalist Society. Everything is Top Secret, but high priced sex workers get special visitation privileges.
But it gets worse considering fascist Chief Justice has received more than $10M in bribes from a fake “lawyer recruitment” business. Roberts and his fascist wife recruit other fascist lawyers to infiltrate government. At the very least it is extortion for law firms, that need to protect the wealthy and corrupt corporate overlords who poison the planet.
https://www.propublica.org/article/clarence-thomas-secretly-attended-koch-brothers-donor-events-scotus