- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
He Shall Be Known Henceforth as Kevin McLeadership
Remember, this is the Republican Party when they’ve had plenty of time to prepare. A presidential primary debate. The impeachment hearing they’ve dreamt of since Biden first whooped their boy’s ass. As we gather here to gape at ineptitude that simply should not be possible at this rung on the evolutionary ladder, never forget…they are sending their very, very best.
Our expectations of Speaker McCarthy have crumbled to the point where it qualifies as breaking news whenever he manages to navigate a basic procedural vote without lighting his own scrotum on fire. Seriously, I got a CNN push notification this morning: “Holy crud, took him a week, but the little dweeb actually managed to open debate on his doomed continuing resolution!”
I suppose it’s marginally more impressive when you note he pulled it off with Matt Gaetz nipping at his heels, (and you’ll want to get any bites checked out by a medical professional right away, Kev) gleefully plotting his overthrow.
Anyway, Kevin was permitted scarcely a moment to bask in the triumphal push notification glow before twenty-one members of his feral caucus torpedoed the CR, sending Gaetz once more a-braying before the assembled cameras.
However, anticipating failure, McCarthy had previously dispatched Jims Comer and Jordan on a last minute mission to make the American public believe their government is so gobsmackingly fucking stupid that none of us will ever be safe until it’s shut down forever. And if they didn’t quite pull it off, well, it wasn’t for want of trying.
It’s baffling that anyone anywhere expects success from these clowns at this point, isn’t it? We’ve been watching James Comer drop bowling ball after bowling ball on his own groin, from increasingly great heights, since January. Who on Earth imagined this overmatched clod could pull an impeachment inquiry off?
Honestly, whether you were amused or appalled that he called witnesses who testified that there’s no evidence supporting impeachment, you certainly weren’t surprised. Of course, no one expected Jimmy to clear the “impossibly high bar” of actually proving his asinine claims.
Indeed, after numerous traumatic collisions with reality, the would-be impeachers retreated to their alternate reality safe space on Hannity, where there are no pesky journalists or former Ukrainian Presidents to debunk their bullshit.
Coming to theatres this Xmas, from the director of My Son Hunter: DEAD GRIFT WALKING, the heart-rending tale of one con man’s family business receiving the “corporate death penalty” following years of brazen, unrepentant fraud. Starring Sean Penn as the Trump Organization, and Louise Linton, who’s garnering Oscar buzz as some sort of hot, evil nun.
Hey, speaking of the death penalty, the 45th President of the United States and current Republican frontrunner celebrated Mark Milley’s retirement by publicly calling for the outgoing Chairman of the Joint Chiefs’ execution, part of his election season ratcheting-up of the ol’ stochastic terror apparatus.
(Maybe that’s what the Glock was for, but alas, the indicted are prohibited from purchasing murder machines, so the Dotard narrowly avoided a 92nd charge there. Ah well, he wouldn’t have been able to fire it anyway, with those stunted, ineffectual phalanges.)
Equally executable (with an emphasis on CUTE) are pop diva Taylor Swift and her rumored new beau, extra-fancy football man Travis Kelce, who earned Cult45’s wrath by virtue of being successful, and vaccinated. Oh, and I guess Travis has done Bud Light commercials, so he’s just perfect for the Two Minutes Hate.
Now Th’Federalist says Swift’s music is responsible for the downfall of western civilization, granting hip hop and unwed mothers a welcome respite. Various creeps n’ incels proclaimed her “homely” and a “gold digger.” And yes, Stew Peters would like to see the happy couple put to death. It’s all very healthy and normal.
For reasons that’re far from clear, Nikki Haley and the However Many Dwarves gathered at the Ronald Reagan Memorial Wiffle Ball Field to bicker over who gets to give the last concession speech in the humiliatingly-not-even-about-the-veep-slot-anymore “Republican primary.”
Tim Scott suggested “Johnson’s Great Society” was harder for Black families to survive than slavery, which I’ll grant was expertly targeted pandering, and if he can figure out how to get over the more, ahem, obvious hurdles in his path, Tim might just have a future in this white nationalist resentment cult.
Beyond that, outside of some controversy over an alleged epidemic of teachers fornicating, the evening primarily involved the purgatorial torment of time spent with Vivek Ramaswamy. Shoot, it wasn’t till almost 70 minutes in that anybody noticed Bobby Jindal had somehow snuck onstage and offered an immigration plan.
Republican donors apparently found this display of grating futility so discouraging, they’re once again indulging in fantasies of Glenn Youngkin appearing on the horizon, leading a cavalry charge that magically delivers the GOP from a decade of cowardice and shitty choices. Great plan, you guys. I bet it works.
Maybe they should draft Jennifer Petersen, the stay-at-home mom who devotes her ample free time to reading books (yay!) so she can ban them, (boo!) unless maybe Kim Davis is available?
Recently convicted Trumpworld dingleberry Peter Navarro bemoaned the treacherous “pimp ladies” assailing poor, put-upon feminist icon Donald J. Trump, (the “J” stands for “Just lost in court to E. Jean Carroll again”) suggesting as a solution hanging a great big No Girls Allowed sign on the door in the Reich to come.
Scott Hall became the first co-defendant in the Georgia election interference case to take a plea deal, yet another legal setback for the career crook who had to renegotiate his prenup because his wife was worried the lawyers’d wind up with everything.
Incidentally, while I was drafting tonight’s post, Tangerine Idi Amin gave an extra-fashy speech in California, complete with calls for extrajudicial violence, and a Paul Pelosi joke, both big hits with the assembled wingnut donors. No wonder Republican voters see him as “a person of faith.”
In contrast, Joe Biden somehow managed to get through the whole week without celebrating one single act of political violence, instead joining striking auto workers on the picket line, and delivering another stem-winder on the general awesomeness of democracy. Oddly, Fox seems mostly interested in covering his dog.
Okay, I’m gonna grab a beer and watch the government shut down. If you enjoyed this post, you can support the blog by joining the email list, following @john_luzar on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter, or kicking in a buck or two to keep the mini fridge stocked. Until next week, you stay safe out there, friend…
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
I think it’s really weird that ole Kev doesn’t do a Johnny Paycheck to Perp Gaetz & tell him he can hve the speakership & shove it up his ass. He’d live in history. If that’s his goal, there it is, boss! I’m dwn in the history books! I get my portrait painted with the scrum of dweezily freedom caucus remnants in the background— like some sort of (what was that psychotic Dutch guy’s name with the alien monsters?) He needs a sense of humor:”laughter exposes the min to the spikes of reason.” So humorless. Utterly. — hope
Can I mail a donation? Check payable to? Where to?
Absolutely find your sense of humor a relief from the downside of MAGA et al.
BTW: hope u r feeling sustainably better. U lite up our Friday notes, friend.
At age 90 I am astonished beyond anything else I’ve ever experienced: that we’ve gone from FDR to Drumpft within my lifetime. I look forward to your blog every Friday. It’s one of the highlights of my week.
Oh, thanks a lot Cap Now I can’t make it to Saturday without some relief from the insanity, so I’m stuck here for eternity it seems
Thanks Cap, for coming back. I hope you are good, being back and all. I fell out of life a while ago, and I came back, and it was just ok. I took a long time to be able to do it again. I’m so glad you can do it again now. We missed you. You really help among the chaos.
Gold digger…maybe gold miner. She makes Eloon and Bezos look like amateurs.
“Now Th’Federalist says Swift’s music is responsible for the downfall of western civilization, granting hip hop and unwed mothers a welcome respite.” Not to mention heavy metal and Ozzy Osbourne. Or did Dubs or Two Scoops single-handedly take care of that menace already? I can’t remember. They accomplished so much it’s hard to keep track.
The MeidasTouch and Lincoln Project are nice and all, but there is just *so much* content out there that needs to be packaged up. I really need to learn how to make videos so I can start putting together some spots for the final push in the run up to the election next year. The first one would consist of these segments:
– Trump making “…a Paul Pelosi joke”
– Trump making “…calls for extrajudicial violence”
– “…the 45th President of the United States and current Republican frontrunner … calling for the outgoing Chairman of the Joint Chiefs’ execution”
– Video of 1/6 where one of the “tourists” can be heard shouting, “Kill him with his own gun!”
– Voiceover at the end: How far is it going to go?
It’s going all the way.
2024 is going to be… bumpy.
Cap, thanks once again for using words to sink your teeth into the heinies of the right wingnuts creating chaos in our beleaguered government. Your talent is a bright light on my Friday nights. Take care and enjoy the weekend, beer and all.
Hope you’re well, Cap. Been in the place to need a break, and hope you’re really well. For sure in your usual fabulous form! Thanks, dude.
Cap,
Crept for you I’m pretty sure my brain would have left the station some time ago. There’s just soooo much incoming BS it’s really hard to even keep score.
Watching ol Kev and hid merry band of Morons is like watching the ol VW with the clowns, except it never stops vomiting out these assholes. They just keep coming…
I’ve recently found myself wondering what the f$@&ing point is, then it’s Friday and I remember.
🙏
I’d like to mail a donation too, if possible. I was concerned yesterday when I didn’t see your post, relieved and grateful to savor it this morning!
I will make you some soup. You can stay at my place. That is, as soon as I pay up my rent. I’ll let you know.
once again up the down staircase with armfuls of pretzels and mexican lager to reach a vantage point above the fray…
yes Cap we’ve held on and redressed all wounds and plotted our revenge from the fortress america to faschy south america ww2 escapees… still it’s quite the long reach to gather the needed paper towel rolls from the small hands of subhuman drumpf… but we go on regardless of stench and folly joyfully opening another can of goodness and saluting
you and all freedom seekers that work through the nights to see the dawn of another whatever… thanks again…
Appreciation for your funny, witty commentary make Friday a highlight of the week.
As usual, another Friday night gem.
Thanks Cap
“Kevin McLeadership”
The best political description of the R’s disarray with a Deplorable Speaker of the House is Cap’s. The official second in line to the Presidency, was
terminated with extreme prejudice by 8 Republicans and all of the D’s. And the D’s enjoyed it. I am thinking President Sleepy Joe helped, to either Clean McCarthy’s Clock, or eat McCarthy’s lunch. Either way, to the the R’s, you are welcome. Recall Kevin’s threat when he became Speaker, “I want you to watch Nancy Pelosi hand me that gavel … It’ll be hard not to hit her with it,”
Now the newest “vacating”, after vacating Kevin, Speaker Pro Tem Patrick McHenry (R-Sedition Caucus) wants Speaker Pro Tem Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) to “vacate” her Capitol office so he could have it all for himself. This is not legal since McHenry has no official power. As all the R’s, he is another thief, and he probably wants to hit Nancy with the gavel also
As these cretinous fuckwits increase the tempo of their “Who can be the most horrible person alive?” game, the new game for next week will be “How do we show that Adolf was really a great guy who rescued Germany from ruin?” I look forward to seeing how you rip them all new ones, Cap. It’s coming to a lunatic asylum (the country formerly called the USA) near you.