Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
I Think Kevin McCarthy is a Robot Specifically Programmed to Execute Leadership Tasks Poorly
Things’re gettin’ pretty good these days, huh? Seems Joe Biden came here to create jobs and eat ice cream, and neither appear to be in short supply. Of course, the Gulf of Mexico is literally on fire as I write this, a grim reminder that you can’t take your eyes off the bastards for even a minute. Fortunately, I happen to be in the chronicling business.
After months spent licking his wounds down at Marm-a-Lago, the Deposed Dotard has grown ravenous for attention, but it turns out that particular currency ain’t easy to come by for a has-been Hitler, a toppled autocrat feebly wheezing his way through a tired litany of worn-out grievances, like some decrepit, fashy Vanilla Ice (who, to his credit, at least wore ill-fitting pants on purpose.) shuffling along the casino circuit.
Not even Fux Nooz carries these pathetic Old Nazi Yells at Cloud rallies anymore, which I think is a shame, actually; we should shine the brightest possible spotlight on this visibly-declining dolt as he continues to boast about the cognitive test he once “aced” as though he’d knocked out Mike Tyson. “You’ve just successfully identified a drawing of a horsey, what’s next?” “Well, I’m going to Disney World, where I’ll be swiftly ejected for groping some poor college kid in a Minnie Mouse costume!”
The news that Arizona Republicans stripped their Secretary of State’s office of much of its power, but only for the duration of the current (Democratic) officeholder’s term, barely made a ripple, because we’ve all normalized the idea that the GOP is an autocratic gang that simply will not allow voters to select alternate leadership, so long as there’s any shred of power available to them to abuse. Healthy, that.
As a lifelong Cubs fan, I’m usually sympathetic to hopeless endeavors, but watching William Barr attempt to rehabilitate his image really hits that sweet spot where futility and atrocity intersect, doesn’t it? Billy Boy, you looked upon a gaggle of bumbling fascist criminals and said, “Oh man, I have so many helpful suggestions to improve both the fascism AND the criming,” which was pretty fucked up of you. Count your blessings, because in a just world, you’d be in prison. As for your legacy, well, if I were you, I’d invest in botanical genetic engineering; maybe you could finance the development of some sort of flower that thrives on human piss. You know, for your grave.
Sonny Perdue seldom made headlines during his tenure as the Turd Reich’s Minister of Agriculture, but I can’t imagine anyone’s surprised to learn he was just as corrupt as the showier thugs n’ looters in Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s Cabinet; the Pompeos and the Zinkes, the profiteers and lotioneers. Still, Sonny’s multi-million dollar grift is a little too complex for a Tweet or a sound bite, so maybe we can squeeze it in between the crossword and the latest Marmaduke?
The coronavirus Delta variant continues to surge, but not hard enough for Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson, who once again opened his fool mouth so a fresh batch of anti-science turds could dribble out. In a caucus filled with theocrats, megalomaniacs and whatever unnamable hybrid monstrosity Rand Paul is, RoJo manages to stand out for pure, primal, idiot disdain for human life.
Paul Gosar, the official dentist of White Rage, has grown so brazen that he’s now openly fundraising with Holocaust-denying white nationalist troll Nick Fuentes, and the list of elected Republicans who have condemned this absolutely ghastly move, compared with the list of those who haven’t said a single fucking word, is…instructive, don’tcha think? Anyway, I guess the Overton window now encompasses the outhouse behind the northwest Arizona meth lab named after Nathan Bedford Forrest in which Gosar owns a majority stake.
Kid Kompromat fancies himself a kingmaker, and his latest protégé appears to be former football star and would-be Georgia Senator Herschel Walker, whose history of domestic abuse would be disqualifying in any political party that hadn’t been hijacked by a psychopathic death cult, and once upon a time that probably felt like a fairly major limitation, but then, in recent years, I’ve watched quite a few ships I believed to be securely anchored set sail.
There’s no drug quite so addictive to Republican officials as the whiff of MAGA celebrity, and no more desperate junkie for it than South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem, whose latest act of Holy Heck Didn’t You Read Macbeth in School ambition-crazed insanity has been to allow a right-wing billionaire to rent her state’s National Guard troops out as his own toy mercenary force, to deploy to the Texas border in an effort to remind Cult45 how much they hate and fear foreigners.
Condolences to the denizens of Hell, who now have to put up with Donald Rumsfeld driving their property values down.
Well, Nancy Pelosi named her 8 members to the January 6th select committee, including Republican Liz Cheney, which felt like a momentous act of bipartisanship in this sharply divided era, until you remembered the official GOP position is The Terrorists Were Right, Actually, Which is Why the Moment They Were Cleared From the Capitol, We Voted To Give In To Their Demands.
Minority Leader McCarthy actually threatened to strip any member of his caucus who accepted Pelosi’s offer to serve of their committee assignments, a step he opposed in the case of Marjorie Taylor Greene, and lacks the spine/decency to even suggest when it comes to Paul “please RSVP to my Nazi clambake” Gosar.
Keville Chamberlain may not be interested in investigating the attempted terrorist overthrow of the United States government, but when a white nationalist television personality decides to fabricate an NSA spying scandal out of thin air and fish sticks, well, the man widely expected to become Speaker of the House in the near future automatically implores, “How high would you like me to jump, Mr. Carlson, sir?”
So, a despicable propagandist so widely recognized as a liar that his own lawyers argued in court that only the mouthbreathingest of morons fall for his drivel can make the most powerful elected Republican in the country dance like a puppet on a string, without producing one iota of evidence? Neat system. Anyhoo, don’t worry, America; Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes is on the case! (Or at least he will be, once he pulls out of Farmer Howlett’s prized Berkshire.)
Now, you might think a political party that finds itself aligning with brownshirts and fundraising alongside Holocaust deniers would exhibit a tiny bit of humility, particularly where the iconography of Nazism is concerned…well, tell that to the Star of David on Washington State Representative Jim Walsh’s chest. Like all white conservative men, Walsh is the Real Victim Here™️, folks, and if only there were some dumbfuck version of Oskar Schindler available to deliver him from the tyranny of…vaccines.
And just in case you were hoping Jimbo was the only elected Republican comparing medical professionals to Nazis this week for the high crime of (checks notes) trying to stop the spread of a disease that’s claimed 602,000 American lives to date…ha ha NO.
The 6-3 wingnut Supreme Court issued the latest in their signature series of Silly Electorate, Voting is for White Folks rulings, because every Republican, no matter how powerful, is simply one more loyal foot soldier in the fight to institutionalize white supremacy. With so many Americans struggling in pursuit of goals significantly less shitty than “reversing hard-won civil rights gains,” I just think it sucks that John Roberts’ pursuit of his deplorable life’s work has proven so fruitful. Why couldn’t he have dreamt of becoming a concert trombonist or some shit?
To all those third party 2016 voters who strutted around the internet, telling anyone who’d listen that Hillary didn’t “earn” their vote, my sincere congratulations on the state of American democracy (barely clinging to life, tubes running in and out of every orifice, pissing in a pan while authoritarians point and laugh); you earned it. For all of us. Thanks ever so much.
Well, the Shitweasel Organization, and its CFO, Allen Weisselberg, got a fancy gift basket from Manhattan DA Cy Vance, containing exotic soaps, summer sausages, and oh yeah, a bunch of felony charges, ranging from tax fraud to grand larceny. Now, we’ve all been let down by too many visions of imminent Trumpal comeuppance to break out the champagne and party hats just yet, but I don’t think anyone could fault us for indulging in the odd think piece or Twitter thread exploring the worst case scenarios for these fucks.
Say, look who’s pallin’ around with a terrorist, it’s a BUNCH OF HOUSE REPUBLICANS! Seems when Anthony Aguero isn’t shuttling the House Racist Dipshit Caucus (Boebert, Cawthorn, Dr. Ronny Jackson…the usual skidmarks) around the border, he participates in a wide range of hobbies, including racist internet rants, joining insurrectionist lynch mobs, and, as is so often the case with these creeps, domestic violence.
Noted sex pest/Trump stooge Jason Miller launched the latest sad, blink-and-you’ll-miss-it, cultists-only social media platform, but devotees of QAnon are already quite (hot and?) bothered by all the hentai and pictures of diaper-clad old men, apparently. This story left me reflecting upon happier times, when I wouldn’t have been able to understand the preceding sentence.
If there’s a threshold at which stories about Oath Keepers getting arrested n’ pleading guilty n’ flipping on one another in the Capitol Riot case stops being hilarious/awesome, I can safely report we haven’t reached it yet. I suggest continuing the experiment.
And I also suggest signing up on the Kickstarter prelaunch page for my next comic book, Marguerite vs. the Occupation! OH SHIT WHAT A SMOOTH TRANSITION, CAP, YOU DOG, YOU! Seriously though, buy my book. And, as ever, stay safe out there, Resisters…