Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Show Me on the Doll Where Critical Race Theory Touched You
I don’t know about y’all, but the first post-Turd Reich Independence Day felt pretty dang sweet to this masked drunkard. The simple absence of cheap, banana republic military spectacles was a welcome departure, for a start. Ultimately, I suppose I prefer my assholes in hotdogs, rather than positions of awesome political power.
J.D. Vance pulled out a rusty mouth harp and played a mournful, off-key hillbilly dirge for the last lingering remnants of his integrity. It wasn’t so very long ago when Vance correctly identified the Velveeta Vulgarian as “reprehensible,” but after four years of atrocity, crime, and senseless mass death, he has seen the light!
Deleting tweets like a racist teenager applying for college scholarships, J.D. actually apologized for his onetime brush with decency, promising that, if elected, his lips shall ne’er again be parted from that fascist loser teat, no matter how crusty the congealed spray tan lotion may grow.
Now, Vance’s big gamble, on absolute fealty to an autocratic game show host with a record of almost incomprehensible levels of inhumanity and failure, may be an unforgivable moral deficiency, but you can’t claim it’s a miscalculation, when you recall the goal is to win a primary contest designed to anoint a shiny new cleric in America’s looniest death cult.
Desperate to avoid legal repercussions for his treacherous acts, Alabama Congressliar Mo Brooks now claims he can’t be sued, cuz riling up white nationalist lynch mobs is just standard operating procedure in his boring ol’ day job as a federal official. You know how it is. Write legislation. Perform constituent services. Incite terrorism. It’s all right there in the orientation materials, bro.
With their Turd Emperor stripped of his office and his Twitter account, Cult45 initially struggled to answer for themselves that all-important question: “who or what are we supposed to hate today?” Shit, even Q has gone dark, so how’s a happily-brainwashed rage drone to figure out where to target their bile? But then, just in the nick of time, along came critical race theory.
CRT is a nebulous phrase so triggering to these clowns, you’d think it meant “Jim Acosta dry-humping Hillary Clinton’s emails,” an all-purpose receptacle for every White Folks Are the REAL Victims rant, the perfect gift for the bigot who has everything except maybe a time machine back to the 1940’s.
And no, they couldn’t correctly define “critical race theory” if their lives depended on it, but I’m sure you’ve noticed, as the list of shit the American Right gets objectively wrong lengthens, their devotion to their disinformers only grows more fervent. And anyway, nobody seemed to feel the need to bring a dictionary to the Capitol Riot, or the sham Arizona recount, or any of the state legislative sessions or Supreme Court hearings where the increasingly authoritarian GOP has been diligently stripping the citizenry of voting rights, so maybe hold off on gloating over that particular point.
Anyway, definitions are for cucks, these kids know CRT when they see it, and they see it absolutely fucking EVERYWHERE. Tom Cotton, for example, hopes to bring his unique white nationalist take on cancel culture to the U.S. Air Force Academy, part of the broader GOP assault on any educational institution that dares impugn the unblemished benevolence of White America.
In Tennessee, a mob of wingnut book-burners hope to ban Ruby Bridges’ autobiographical children’s book, for being insufficiently gracious to the racists who terrorized her as a six-year-old child, simply for attending an integrated school.
Never mind the fact that Bridges’ story is true, that it’s history written by someone who lived it. That’s the real game, of course, to erase history. To remake it. To deliberately lie to children, in hopes of producing generation after generation of dutiful little Republicans, who’ll nod unquestioningly as the teevee talking heads absurdly claim the Founding Fathers, overwhelmingly slaveholders, opposed slavery. Critical thinking is also for cucks, if that was unclear.
And of course, fashy frozen fishmonger Tucker Carlson now demands cameras in every American classroom, so patriotic lurkers can monitor the nation’s teachers, presumably with the option to summon Minority Report-style stormtroopers should any pure white child’s mind become sullied with the actual truth. This must be one o’ them small government principles I’ve heard so much about.
Y’know, if anybody out there reading this hasn’t ruined their political prospects by churning out a profanity-laced blog for years, may I humbly suggest you run for your local school board to combat this fuckery? Also to oppose the QAnon candidates who’re running, because Qnatics getting elected to school boards is the backstory to 9 out of 10 films set in post-apocalyptic hellscapes.
Y’see, MAGA Nation is a magical place where the sky is whatever color Donald Trump says it is, and its denizens increasingly work to inflict their hallucinations upon the rest of us, objective reality be damned.
Which brings us, once again, to the pandemic, which has stubbornly refused to accommodate these delusions. Disinformation tactics, while certainly effective with Chuck Todd, remain entirely worthless against the novel coronavirus which causes COVID-19, and now that widespread vaccine access has finally given America’s sane majority a little protection from petulant wingnut selfishness, this latest battle in the culture war is being waged almost entirely via Russian roulette, by defiant numbskulls, snickering with every spin of the chamber about all the libs they’re owning.
And still Republican pundits and politicians spread deadly anti-vaxx propaganda at every opportunity. Even after five years spent staring directly into the heart of Trumpian madness, as though it were some sort of credulous idiot sun, I can’t figure this one out. There’s nothing to gain; as you know, nearly all current coronavirus hospitalizations and deaths are occurring among the unvaccinated, and the Delta variant keeps tearing through rural, conservative communities while Blue America calmly reopens…I guess when MyPillow is your only remaining advertiser, it doesn’t matter so much if you get your own audience killed.
President Biden proposes going door-to-door to encourage folks to get vaccinated, that’s TYRANNY to these fucks. Voter suppression isn’t tyranny. Overturning election results isn’t tyranny. State-sanctioned violence against peaceful protesters? More, please! But try to save people from pointless, entirely preventable deaths, you’re a monster. Left to their own devices, these creeps would grant more rights to COVID-19 than to Black Americans.
Ashli Babbitt represents Donald Trump’s wettest dream made reality, a martyr to the only cause that truly matters to a narcissist: himself. So naturally, he’s taken up the cause of unmasking the police officer who shot her, (while she was engaged in the commission of an extremely violent crime, just for the record) because that particular Blue Life doesn’t matter, and should in fact prolly be cut short by…oh, whoever’s turn it is to pick up the stochastic terror torch this week.
Wee Donnie One-Term‘s cringe-inducing quest for attention spawned a sad, already-forgotten “press conference,” announcing a fundraising push, poorly disguised as a pile of lawsuits targeting social media companies for being mean to him. The doddering old twit seems to possess an insatiable appetite for mortifying legal defeats, and God knows I’m nowhere near tired of watching him faceplant in court, so maybe this is one of those rare situations where everybody wins.
A new book says former President Crotchrot praised Hitler during a European trip, and if you listen carefully, you’ll hear the sound of not one living person being surprised. Then-Chief of Staff John Kelly allegedly talked his dirtbag boss out of dropping that little nugget in front of any of our fascist-dolt-weary allies, and while it’s still early, I figure he’s got Babysitter of the Millennium sewn up for that bit of diplomatic defense.
The latest collectible plate in the Bradford Exchange’s “The Public Humiliations of Rudolph Giuliani” series commemorates the loss of his license to practice law in Washington, D.C., and will make a tasteful addition to any Resister’s china cabinet or mantle. Sure, it’s awfully similar to last month’s offering, but you’ll want the complete set.
Unasked-for and unwelcome Ted Cruz spinoff Chip Roy got caught on video espousing the nihilistic values of McConnellism, wherein Republicans, when out of power, devote themselves to “chaos and the inability to get stuff done,” because there’s nothing they fear so much as an electorate that understands which party works on behalf of the American people, and which one serves only a handful of ultra-wealthy oligarch masters. Speaking of which HOLY CRAP LOOK OVER THERE IT’S CRITICAL RACE THEORY!
Looks like Afghanistan finally gets to be some other empire’s graveyard again, thanks to the controversial “learning from past mistakes” technique Joe Biden brought to the Oval Office, in sharp contrast to his predecessor’s Hitler-praising, Mint the Challenge Coin Now, Solve the Problem Never doctrine.
There’s actually loads of solid, positive news lately, including activists successfully shaming Toyota out of financing the House Insurrectionist Caucus, as well as Nancy Pelosi’s delightful new descriptor for the Deposed Dotard, but I really need to get the fuck out of here before I have to start covering CPAC.
Before I do, though…we’re a little more than a week away from launching the Kickstarter for my next comic book, Marguerite vs the Occupation. I think you’ll dig it; I cooked it up during the (endless freaking) transition period; it’s a nifty little action fable, set in France during the Resistance, about getting the goddamn Nazis out of your house. I wrote it for Resisters like you, and there will be special rewards tiers for fans of this blog. Sign up on our prelaunch page, if you’re so inclined, and either way, as ever, stay safe out there…