Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
If God Made a Fighter in Ron DeSantis, God Shouldn’t Quit His Day Job
Folks, this week may’ve finally broken me. Marjorie Taylor Greene dropped a hundred grand on Kevin McCarthy’s used chapstick, and it only got dumber from there.
Are we absolutely certain this is real life, and not, like, my college theatre department staging some minor, absurdist farce from behind the Iron Curtain, circa 1977? The shouty woman from Act I, bashing away with her gavel, demanding decorum…it’s a little unsubtle.
Anyway, Donnie One-Term got his first official criminal trial start date, that’ll spice up the ol’ primary calendar.
Or will it? March 25th? Hell, he’ll have it sewn up by then. The state of the GOP presidential field at the moment is “so pathetic Glenn Youngkin might not be able to stay away,” which is probably the saddest thing I’ve ever typed.
When I saw the announcement of the announcement, that DiSappointus was teaming up with Elon for his long-unanticipated official launch, I laughed out loud, because there was no fucking way those two would be able to pull it off.
And then they fucked it up, because they’re fuck-ups. For months now, these two dudes have done nothing but fuck up, several times most days, right in front of us. It’s slapstick. It’s broad for slapstick, honestly.
You’d think, law of averages, at some point during his campaign’s excruciating rollout period, DeSantis would undertake some endeavor, however modest, that wouldn’t immediately blow up in his face, but then, I don’t remember Charlie Brown ever getting that football. And Ron is basically Charlie Brown, But Shitty.
Fucking of course Youngkin smells weakness. I don’t know what weakness smells like, but I bet whoever’s standing next to Ron DeSantis right now could tell me.
Bless the increasingly surly thinkpiecery of the fast-shrinking pool of dead-enders, though. They’re like Cubs fans, But Shitty, in the way Ron himself is like Charlie Brown, But Shitty. I think “Rich Lowry bleating out ever more fanciful paths to a DeSantis comeback, from his lawn” is going to be a reliable running gag for a while.
Yes, that is how the Republican presidential primary is going to unfold. DeSantis defeats Trump, on substance. Substance n’ policy. Why, the debates may be even thoughtfuller and dignifieder than last time.
Ron appointed a bonafide Capitol rioter to a state regulatory board, which explains why he’s talking about pardoning more of them. On a purely practical level, it’s difficult to staff a MAGA administration without access to the pool of incarcerated terrorists.
His existing staff is all tied up, too, extorting political contributions from lobbyists. Resorting to blackmail to create the illusion of support is the stuff of loads of successful campaigns, I’m sure.
Anyway, Nikki Haley & the However Many Dwarves spent the week trying and failing to generate attention, and I bet it would save time if I cut and paste this sentence into every blog between now and Iowa.
Though Merrick Garland is expected to emerge sometime next week from beneath his desk, where he has been quivering in the fetal position since receiving an extremely impressive, intimidating letter from Donald Trump’s “legal team,” I’m afraid the Special Counsel investigation is off, folks. I’ve never seen such lawyering.
Dangit, and right when DoJ got ahold of yet another level of incriminating evidence in the stolen nuclear secrets case, too. Oh well, I doubt Jack Smith had an answer for the I Declassified Them With My Mind defense, anyway.
Stewart Rhodes, Grand Dragon of the Bashful Boyz or the 7-11ers or whatever, gets to spend the next 18 years behind bars, because it turns out the Constitution does not, in fact, grant you the right to violently overturn an election, even when you really, really, really, really wanted it to go the other way.
At sentencing, Stewie delivered a brief, forgettable tirade about all the fake laws he made up that permit him to hurt whoever he wants, and how the judge should follow those laws instead of the real ones real people passed in the real world, which is MAGA in a nutshell, isn’t it? Conjuring whatever imaginary timber you happen to require to construct your own, personal permission structure for violence?
Like, how strange, in a right-wing culture where a Republican governor “jokes” about hunting Democrats “with dogs,” and a Republican state legislator bellows, proudly, on the floor of the Senate, in the middle of a debate over a transgender rights bill, “I’m telling you right now, if a guy walks in there, I’m going to beat the living piss out of him,” that we should find the grassroots lobbing anti-trans death threats at Target, those that aren’t menacing children with assault rifles at bus stops, or loading up U-Hauls with Nazi flags for unannounced tours of the White House grounds, anyway.
“Weimar problems eventually lead to Weimar solutions,” they’re saying now.
Well, maybe, maybe not, but you don’t have any “Weimar problems,” dorks. You’re just making shit up so you can feel important.
Took the bill a little while to arrive, but it turns out, pausing mid-insurrection for a sassy photo shoot with your feet atop Nancy Pelosi’s desk’ll set you back four and a half years of your pathetic life. I’m really looking forward to MAGA’s second act, as an unusually self-destructive white collar prison gang.
Our old pal Noot popped by to praise the Great Mistake for transmitting his poison at a third grade reading level. Yep, that is exactly where his talents lie, Noot. Doesn’t seem the sort of thing you’d want to build a cult of personality or a political party around, but he sure does use small words.
Apparently, Matt Schlapp is a “cancer,” devouring CPAC from within. Y’know what? That’s a good spot for Matt.
Hey, what do QAnon, flat-earthers, and 9/11 truthers have in common? Republican governance, that’s what!
Arizona Senate Republicans are not only hosting a legion of smooth-brained kooks at a Senate hearing dedicated to COVID lunacy, they’ve actually branded their fucking committee with a trolly QAnon reference. Snickering all the while, no doubt. Some goon probably spent a day and a half on that acronym, without even understanding he was peaking.
Meanwhile, Tennessee Republicans appointed a 9/11 truther to the committee overseeing the state’s social studies standards, but not just any 9/11 truther, a 9/11 truther who believes Obama caused tornados. You wouldn’t want merely mildly insane people deciding what your kids learn in school, wouldja?
What’s that leave? Oh right, the flat-earther! Meet Georgia GOP District Chair Kandiss Taylor. Though I fancy myself a political humorist, I could not hope to improve upon her own words:
“For me, if it is not a conspiracy, if it is real, why are you pushing so hard everywhere I go? Every store, you buy a globe, there’s globes everywhere. Every movie, every TV show, news media — why?”
…where’re you shopping, Kandiss? I bought some pants at Macy’s the other day, and the clerk wasn’t pushy about the globe thing at all. “Would you like to add a globe today, sir?” And I said, “Don’t be ridiculous, of course I would,” no pressure at all.
“Everywhere there’s globes. You see them all the time, it’s constant. My children will be like ‘Mama, globe, globe, globe, globe’ — they’re everywhere.”
That is not true. Unless your kids are fucking with their batshit mom, in which case they’re awesome. ANWAY, cool District Chair you got there, Georgia Republicans.
This is the fundamental problem with the MAGA ask, the insistence on government of, by, and for only the loudest, nuttiest assholes. I found myself appreciating the dark economy of the headline, “Florida Mom Behind Amanda Gorman Book Ban Has Proud Boy Links.” Lotta crazy crammed into those eleven words.
And on a certain level, I feel bad for this woman, who has been driven insane by malicious people on the internet, but we can’t let folks who spread anti-Semitic conspiracy theories on Facebook purge our libraries of books about racism. Obviously. OBVIOUSLY.
So, the Republican-controlled Texas House is gonna impeach AG Ken Paxton, and Ken called the Speaker a drunken liberal groomer who shits in the furry kids’ litter box. I’m sure it’s nothing that can’t be sorted out inside a steel cage at SummerSlam.
George Santos named George Santos treasurer of the Committee to Re-Elect George Santos, because why the fuck not? He’s out to make some memories ahead of a period of incarceration, and I say turn the little shit loose.
It’d make the ultimate road trip movie. Pair him up with a couple U.S. Marshals while he tries to burn through the last of the donor money before the trial starts. The Last Detail, only the kid’s a bratty grifter who’s constantly attempting escape, and failing. McCarthy lets him vote by proxy the whole time. America deserves this film.
I see Putin banned a bunch of the Dotard’s enemies from entering Russia, including Letitia James, Brad Raffensperger and the officer who shot Ashli Babbitt. Which is just embarrassing. Straight-up Lindsey Graham shit. War crimes and cringe, that’s your legacy.
What’s more, as if we didn’t have enough to worry about, Hawaii’s feral chickens are, I’m told, out of control. No doubt Antifa is already bussing some to your hometown.
So stay safe out there, my friends, if you’re able, though I believe that’s a feral chicken right behind you. And if you feel like contributing to the holiday weekend beer fund, remember the tip jar page has expanded, with all sortsa futuristic payment methods.