Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Remember, They’re Sending Their Very, Very Best
John Durham, having failed so completely and spectacularly at the task he devoted 3 1/2 years of his life to, sat down to make a list of all the made-up shit he wanted to find but didn’t, knowing right-wing media would treat it like a stone tablet proving Hillary ate Seth Rich’s face, which is exactly what happened, because this is Hell.
The Durham Report is like some talisman Dumbledore entrusts to Hermione, that magically grants legitimacy to any conspiracy theory, if only for the duration of a Newsmax segment. Anna Paulina Luna’s gonna expel Adam Schiff from Congress over…somethin’. She’ll work that bit out later.
Who can even fucking tell what Tommy Tuberville thinks is in that report, but he’s about ready to dig a trench over it. I don’t know what to tell you, Tommy. I’m sorry you believe a bunch of shit that isn’t true, but we’re not getting rid of elections just because your brain doesn’t work.
Marjorie Taylor Greene announced she’s filing articles of impeachment, likely from a cereal box, targeting President Biden, Attorney General Merrick Garland, D.C. U.S. Attorney Matthew Graves, E Street Band keyboardist Roy Bittan, Department of Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas, WWE Intercontinental Champion Gunther, and FBI Director Christopher Wray. Whatever.
Always fun watching a United States Congressman decide he has the right to lay hands on a dissenting American protester. Especially a vicious little thug like Clay Higgins.
I think Clay showed us who he is in the aftermath of the Paul Pelosi attack, and I think the whole fucking point of America is that the Clay Higginses of this world don’t get to push the rest of us around. One man’s opinion.
Seems James Comer went and lost his whistleblower. Probably wandered off while Jimmy was shoving quarters up his nose, in the parking lot behind the laundromat. Him and Ron Johnson, and oh, about nine dollars and seventy-five cents
Jim Jordan’s whistleblowers showed up, and he probably wishes they hadn’t. Not so much “whistleblowers,” turns out, as disgruntled, insurrectionist whackjobs, on Trumpworld conspiracy theorist Kash Patel’s payroll, who had their security clearances revoked for wholly legitimate reasons, like the guy who “expressed sympathy for persons or organizations that advocate, threaten, or use force or violence,” for example.
I guess Lauren Boebert’s getting divorced. Join me on a quick tangent:
They should make Lauren Boebert the MAGA Bachelorette.
I don’t watch these shows, but round up however many Proud Boys and incels and ultranationalist YouTubers and Matt Gaetz, and gape in horror as they battle, with words of woo, and perhaps the odd nail gun, for her favor.
Hosted, obviously, by Josh Hawley, that manliest of manhood-havers. Josh’s book came out, and I look forward to seeing it quoted in mass shooting manifestos for years to come.
I guess one of Paul Gosar’s staffers is linked to neo-Nazi Nick Fuentes. I don’t imagine Paul Gosar hires many people without links to neo-Nazis, y’know?
Representatives Higgins and Gosar and Boebert and Greene and Luna and Jordan and Comer united with the entire House Republican Conference, especially the Rational Moderates™️, to save George Santos from expulsion. Historians are already calling this the ethicalest Congress of all time.
What a nasty little headline that is. They’re always so happy when they hurt people. Lookit Ron. Jubilant. Surrounded by children, to whom tomorrow presumably belongs.
The state of Florida is investigating a public school teacher for showing kids a Disney movie. Because there’s a gay character in it. That’s happening, in 2023, in what’s technically still America.
The Mouse remains Ron’s white whale, and he stabs at it, from hell’s heart, with pudding-stained hands. Now he’s chased a billion-dollar investment out of his state, in search of culture war clout he didn’t even get.
Suddenly everybody wants to jump into the definitely-not-hygienically-maintained hot tub that is the 2024 GOP Presidential primary. Rick Perry’s thinking about it, but he still needs a few more weeks to work out what that elusive third thing was. The Governor of North Dakota, whose name, I believe, is Benedict Cumberbatch, wants in, too. I bet he wins.
Saw a headline that read, “GOP presidential field shaping up to be party’s most diverse yet,” and chuckled. Sure, that’s the take. Vivek Ramaswamy’s never-ending rant about wokeness is a “presidential campaign,” and at the RNC next year, which will held at Rivendell, by the way, all the Nikki Haley delegates and Tim Scott delegates will join hands, and lead America into a land of milk & honey…-flavored horse paste.
Heads’re gonna roll once the Dotard Restored makes Mike Flynn Secretary of the Whole Dang Deep State. Storm’s a-comin’, groomers! Once upon a time, “Republican frontrunner pledges to bring hate-mongering felon into administration” would’ve been a bigger story.
If Rudy Giuliani turned out to be, like, five thousand slugs in a trench coat, would you really be surprised? “No, that makes perfect sense,” you’d say, as they slithered away into the night. Anyway, you know what he did, I don’t want to talk about it.
There’s a new shitty light beer to yell at for being woke, in case you were getting bored, yelling at the same old light, woke, shitty beer. I’ll leave you to what is clearly a fulfilling life.
Senators Cruz and Blackburn opened an honest-to-God investigation into the fleeting Bud Light/Dylan Mulvaney partnership. They’re marketing to minors, y’see. Just this one TikTok video, though, which is the only beer ad anywhere in existence that could possibly be construed as targeting underage drinkers.
Cruz. Blackburn. Titans. They put your face on currency for this kinda stuff.
North Carolina Lt. Gov. Mark Robinson says mass shootings are “karma” for allowing abortion, which is silly, because everyone knows they’re karma for Pizzagate.
Well, George Soros sold his entire Tesla stake, so Elon finally took that big, ugly step every conspiracy theorist eventually takes. Nowadays, he’s far too busy defending mass murderers with Nazi tattoos to keep the animal torture videos off his platform, I’m sure you understand.
Didja catch the latest polling? Biden up six on Trump? Up seven? After the FUCKING DAYS of cacophonous wailing and rending of garments launched by one outlier, which I ignored here because fuck the Eeyore brigade, should we not celebrate counterbalancing data with something approaching equal vigor?
I mean, we didn’t have the opportunity to whoop too many Republicans in this week’s elections, but we whooped those that made themselves available for whoopin’. Held Pennsylvania. Flipped Jacksonville. What’s this, “Judge who ruled for Trump on 2020 election loses Pennsylvania primary?” My cup runneth o’er.
…so I’m off to refill it, (with beer, if that’s somehow unclear) and enjoy the relative quiet of a Tucker-free media, while it lasts. Stay safe out there, folks.