John Durham, having failed so completely and spectacularly at the task he devoted 3 1/2 years of his life to, sat down to make a list of all the made-up shit he wanted to find but didn’t, knowing right-wing media would treat it like a stone tablet proving Hillary ate Seth Rich’s face, which is exactly what happened, because this is Hell.

The Durham Report is like some talisman Dumbledore entrusts to Hermione, that magically grants legitimacy to any conspiracy theory, if only for the duration of a Newsmax segment. Anna Paulina Luna’s gonna expel Adam Schiff from Congress over…somethin’. She’ll work that bit out later.

Who can even fucking tell what Tommy Tuberville thinks is in that report, but he’s about ready to dig a trench over it. I don’t know what to tell you, Tommy. I’m sorry you believe a bunch of shit that isn’t true, but we’re not getting rid of elections just because your brain doesn’t work.

Marjorie Taylor Greene announced she’s filing articles of impeachment, likely from a cereal box, targeting President Biden, Attorney General Merrick Garland, D.C. U.S. Attorney Matthew Graves, E Street Band keyboardist Roy Bittan, Department of Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas, WWE Intercontinental Champion Gunther, and FBI Director Christopher Wray. Whatever.

Always fun watching a United States Congressman decide he has the right to lay hands on a dissenting American protester. Especially a vicious little thug like Clay Higgins.

I think Clay showed us who he is in the aftermath of the Paul Pelosi attack, and I think the whole fucking point of America is that the Clay Higginses of this world don’t get to push the rest of us around. One man’s opinion.

Seems James Comer went and lost his whistleblower. Probably wandered off while Jimmy was shoving quarters up his nose, in the parking lot behind the laundromat. Him and Ron Johnson, and oh, about nine dollars and seventy-five cents

Jim Jordan’s whistleblowers showed up, and he probably wishes they hadn’t. Not so much “whistleblowers,” turns out, as disgruntled, insurrectionist whackjobs, on Trumpworld conspiracy theorist Kash Patel’s payroll, who had their security clearances revoked for wholly legitimate reasons, like the guy who “expressed sympathy for persons or organizations that advocate, threaten, or use force or violence,” for example.

I guess Lauren Boebert’s getting divorced. Join me on a quick tangent:

They should make Lauren Boebert the MAGA Bachelorette.

I don’t watch these shows, but round up however many Proud Boys and incels and ultranationalist YouTubers and Matt Gaetz, and gape in horror as they battle, with words of woo, and perhaps the odd nail gun, for her favor.

Hosted, obviously, by Josh Hawley, that manliest of manhood-havers. Josh’s book came out, and I look forward to seeing it quoted in mass shooting manifestos for years to come.

I guess one of Paul Gosar’s staffers is linked to neo-Nazi Nick Fuentes. I don’t imagine Paul Gosar hires many people without links to neo-Nazis, y’know?

Representatives Higgins and Gosar and Boebert and Greene and Luna and Jordan and Comer united with the entire House Republican Conference, especially the Rational Moderates™️, to save George Santos from expulsion. Historians are already calling this the ethicalest Congress of all time.

They’re saying DiSappointus is finally about to officially launch the presidential campaign he lost a few months back. On a wave of hate, soundtracked by the candidate’s suitably unnatural laughter.

“Grinning DeSantis Tosses Sharpies to Crowd During Anti-Trans Bill Signings” 

What a nasty little headline that is. They’re always so happy when they hurt people. Lookit Ron. Jubilant. Surrounded by children, to whom tomorrow presumably belongs.

The state of Florida is investigating a public school teacher for showing kids a Disney movie. Because there’s a gay character in it. That’s happening, in 2023, in what’s technically still America.

The Mouse remains Ron’s white whale, and he stabs at it, from hell’s heart, with pudding-stained hands. Now he’s chased a billion-dollar investment out of his state, in search of culture war clout he didn’t even get.   

Suddenly everybody wants to jump into the definitely-not-hygienically-maintained hot tub that is the 2024 GOP Presidential primary. Rick Perry’s thinking about it, but he still needs a few more weeks to work out what that elusive third thing was. The Governor of North Dakota, whose name, I believe, is Benedict Cumberbatch, wants in, too. I bet he wins.

Saw a headline that read, “GOP presidential field shaping up to be party’s most diverse yet,” and chuckled. Sure, that’s the take. Vivek Ramaswamy’s never-ending rant about wokeness is a “presidential campaign,” and at the RNC next year, which will held at Rivendell, by the way, all the Nikki Haley delegates and Tim Scott delegates will join hands, and lead America into a land of milk & honey…-flavored horse paste.

Heads’re gonna roll once the Dotard Restored makes Mike Flynn Secretary of the Whole Dang Deep State. Storm’s a-comin’, groomers! Once upon a time, “Republican frontrunner pledges to bring hate-mongering felon into administration” would’ve been a bigger story.

If Rudy Giuliani turned out to be, like, five thousand slugs in a trench coat, would you really be surprised? “No, that makes perfect sense,” you’d say, as they slithered away into the night. Anyway, you know what he did, I don’t want to talk about it.

There’s a new shitty light beer to yell at for being woke, in case you were getting bored, yelling at the same old light, woke, shitty beer. I’ll leave you to what is clearly a fulfilling life.

Senators Cruz and Blackburn opened an honest-to-God investigation into the fleeting Bud Light/Dylan Mulvaney partnership. They’re marketing to minors, y’see. Just this one TikTok video, though, which is the only beer ad anywhere in existence that could possibly be construed as targeting underage drinkers.

Cruz. Blackburn. Titans. They put your face on currency for this kinda stuff.

North Carolina Lt. Gov. Mark Robinson says mass shootings are “karma” for allowing abortion, which is silly, because everyone knows they’re karma for Pizzagate.

Well, George Soros sold his entire Tesla stake, so Elon finally took that big, ugly step every conspiracy theorist eventually takes. Nowadays, he’s far too busy defending mass murderers with Nazi tattoos to keep the animal torture videos off his platform, I’m sure you understand.

After a period of stalemate, Putin’s army is back to doing what it does best: retreating. Which is probably wise, with his pet warlord bargaining away troop locations.   

Didja catch the latest polling? Biden up six on Trump? Up seven? After the FUCKING DAYS of cacophonous wailing and rending of garments launched by one outlier, which I ignored here because fuck the Eeyore brigade, should we not celebrate counterbalancing data with something approaching equal vigor?

I mean, we didn’t have the opportunity to whoop too many Republicans in this week’s elections, but we whooped those that made themselves available for whoopin’. Held Pennsylvania. Flipped Jacksonville. What’s this, “Judge who ruled for Trump on 2020 election loses Pennsylvania primary?” My cup runneth o’er.

…so I’m off to refill it, (with beer, if that’s somehow unclear) and enjoy the relative quiet of a Tucker-free media, while it lasts. Stay safe out there, folks.