Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
If Paul Simon Wrote a Song About GOP Senators, It Would Be “53 Ways to Fail Your Country”
Hey everybody, I almost hate to interrupt whatever filthy, steamy, sex fantasies y’all are no doubt having about Adam Schiff right this very minute, but I figured we should round up the news real quick before disappearing back into his righteous embrace…ohhhhhh Adam, you’re so…thorough, oh…Um. Excuse me. Anyway, the blog:
The thirty-four American service members diagnosed with traumatic brain injuries in the aftermath of Iran’s recent missile strikes will no doubt be pleased to learn from their draft-dodging Commander-in-Chief that their injuries are sissy, girly, injuries that do not count, so please keep it down about the whole “lifetime of pain and other challenges” thing you’re facing. For a dude who lacks the courage to so much as sit for an interview with a real journalist outside the right wing dumbassosphere, the Bonespur Buttplug demonstrates unseemly confidence in judging the Americans who risk their lives defending his right to golf every weekend at taxpayer expense.
At Davos, during a break from being ignored by people who don’t have to lie about their wealth, the Candycorn Skidmark confessed to, and even bragged about, obstructing Congress, which is of course one of the very articles of impeachment against his treasonous ass. This shit must drive legitimate criminal masterminds nuts, y’know? Imagine you spent months pulling off the perfect, brilliant, heist, some real Steven Soderbergh shit, but you can’t ever tell anybody how you did it, while this mushbrained dolt gets to strut around, squawking, “We have all the material cuz I didn’t turn it over ME AM SO SMRT” just because he has 53 pet Senators.
Perhaps worried that the three-day-long, televised, deep dive into his many crimes would render him TOO popular, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot decided, unprompted, to remind America that, like a children’s cereal mascot who can’t wait for the poors to just die off already, he’s just Cuckoo for Entitlement Cuts. In the end, for all his flaws, I have to concede that Donald Trump is perhaps the most effective anti-Trump messenger available to the Resistance.
Tulsi Gabbard continued her pursuit of her bizarre What if You’re Kind of a Democrat But You Hate Democrats and Also Luv Dictators brand (it’s kinda like Goop, but angry), announcing a big ol’ frivolous lawsuit targeting Hillary Clinton. Really looking forward to regular updates on this case on the Tucker Carlson White Power Hour.
And then there was the whole “impeachment trial” thing, I suppose I should mention that. Democratic impeachment managers made you proud to be an American, and prouder still to be part of the sole major American political party that still believes in honesty, decency, the rule of law, constitutional separation of powers, and I’m pretty sure I heard Mike Pence say “Apple pie sucks” the other day. Shit, next to the shrieking mendacity of the likes of Pat Cipollone and Gym Jordan, just the competence is fucking inspirational, and you can’t help but appreciate the work our team has put into laying out their case, clearly and concisely.
Of course, Senate Republicans are awfully pissy that they have to sit through all this meddlesome “evidence” and “proof of their shameful complicity,” because it’ll undermine their ability to go on pretending they’ve been too busy to keep up with the biggest political scandal of their lifetimes. Of course, “I was asleep when that particular damning bit of evidence was mentioned,” remains a viable copout, along with “I was in the cloakroom,” and “I was flat out reading a fuckin’ book instead.” Ah, if only there had been fidget spinners in the days of Ancient Rome, Nero wouldn’t have needed to learn to fiddle.
Historians will mark this as the week when the Most Susan Collins Thing Ever occurred. In the middle of the the impeachment trial, Susan heard something from Democratic impeachment manager Jerry Nadler that shook her to her useless, pearl-clutching, core; no, it wasn’t any of the evidence of Hairplug Himmler’s crimes or betrayals, it was that Nadler was a big ol’ meaniepants in pointing out the Senate GOP is assisting the Trump Administration’s coverup JUST BECAUSE the Senate GOP is assisting the Trump Administration’s coverup. And so she tattled to Chief Justice John Roberts. Leave it to Susan Fucking Collins to haughtily whinge about decorum while her party conspires to end democracy in America. Sara Gideon’s first term can’t start soon enough.
One excuse, pardon me, one “argument” Republicans are taking out for a test spin is that the Shart House will simply invoke executive privilege if witnesses are called, potentially drawing out the trial for months, when they’d really much rather get back to the important work of ignoring the hundreds of bills Nancy Pelosi and the House have sent them. It’s a bullshit argument, of course, but I suppose they can’t quite bring themselves to utter the real truth out loud, but wouldn’t it be something to watch, say, Josh Hawley sneeringly proclaim, “Yeah, we’re letting it all ride on our brainwashed rube base! We’re hopin’ to squeeze at least one more term out of the dying gasps of white supremacy! Shit, Fux Nooz isn’t even broadcasting the trial, we can say whatever the fuck we want and they’ll still love us and hate you! Nothing matters! BYE!”
Lindsey Graham doesn’t want any additional witnesses at the impeachment trial, instead preferring a quick acquittal, even* in the face of overwhelming evidence of Dorito Mussolini’s guilt. What he DOES want is an official government investigation into the President’s political rivals, based on widely-debunked conspiracy theories. This is because Lindsey Graham is a fascist, working to destroy our Constitutional democracy in order to ensure his party stays permanently in power, whatever the will of the people. Jokes will return in the following paragraph, this one is just for ugly, horrifying, truths.
Marsha Blackburn, who has become a United States Senator despite a career more or less indistinguishable from That One Guy Who Sets Up a Microphone on Campus to Scream at Everyone Who Walks By That They’re Going to Hell, embraced some casually fascist tactics of her own, impugning the patriotism of Purple Heart recipient and impeachment witness Alexander Vindman. I suppose there are two ways of looking at this; either you believe America is America, or you believe America is a dirtbag game show host who stole money from charity to buy an ugly-ass painting of himself. There. Both sides. Chuck Todd would be proud.
Word is, the Treasonweasel Administration has threatened the already thoroughly-cowed Senate GOP Caucus to continue enabling the Emperor of Hemorrhoids’ every criminal whim, or “your head will be on a pike.” Whatever. Not like there’s anything worth preserving in those 53 empty craniums.
Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag became the latest prominent conservative goon to slip a quarter in the self-owning machine we call Picking a Fight with Greta Thunberg, demanding the teenager procure an economics degree before bothering bought-and-paid-for climate deniers like himself with her pesky facts. Yes, this is the same Steve Mnuchin who thinks the Trump tax cuts paid for themselves, and that his horrible wife didn’t marry him for his money.
Huge embarrassment in Shartopia today, as a heretofore unknown recording of Donnie Two-Scoops’ failed Sopranos audition surfaced, and boy, is it ev-excuse me, what? The tape is actually real, and it captures the President telling Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman, “Take her out,” apparently referencing Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch? ZOUNDS.
The more charitable voices in the news interpret this as a command to fire Yovanovitch, which might make sense if he gave it to whichever sycophantic peon happened to be acting chief of staff at the moment, rather than a room full of cheap thugs, many of whom are currently facing some rather significant criminal charges. Shit, even Mulvaney would need further clarification. “Get rid of her? Like, GET RID OF HER get rid of her?”
Upon hearing of this new bit of documented thuggery, John “Yes, Wyoming gets two Senators even though we have fewer voters than Coachella has hipsters” Barrasso, shrugged, “There will be new evidence every day. There will something new that comes out every day,” as though this was a reason to dismiss the charges against the Offal in the Oval, rather than investigate further. There’s SO much evidence of criminal wrongdoing we should let the man get on with his crimes, is the idea. It seems. This is real life, folks. I know it feels sometimes like we’re trapped in a nightmare George Orwell is having after losing a spicy-hot-wings-eating contest, but it’s real fuckin’ life.
Seems Chief Thuglomat Mike Pompeo does not enjoy the press, with all their uppity demands for “answers to questions” and “accountability,” as demonstrated by the petulant tantrum he threw at an NPR reporter. To me, Mike is the scariest member of the entire Turd Reich; no, he’s not as wily or effective as Bill Barr, but he possesses the zealot’s conviction that God will stay on his side through whatever atrocities he may perpetrate, and is, if anything, a little irritated with him for holding back up to this point. Look in his eyes when he’s facing the press; this is a man fantasizing about camps and gallows.
And now I see the Velveeta Vulgarian literally stole the fucking Starfleet insignia from Star Trek as the logo for his idiotic “Space Force,” and we really need to get rid of this clown before he starts appointing Ninja Turtles to the cabinet.
Alright, everybody, that’s what I got. Steer clear of exotic new viruses this weekend! Oh, and please donate to the Kickstarter for my very first comic book! All the cool Resisters are doing it, y’know!
Best of Shifty – and it’s all been spellbinding – was tonight’s prebuttal to (R) FauxFest coming up. When he owned his mocking parody of the ‘perfect call’ in advance, and marveled at how thin-skinned our man baby POTUS is, it even got a grudging laugh from the (R)s, smitten/stifled/blackmailed as they are. That guy is perfection, and the nation is lucky to have him; proud he’s on the right team. Seems that the most hardcore(R)s are quadrupling-down on the dotard. Question back atcha, Marsha Blackburn: How patriotic is it to badmouth US intelligence community to the world, while slinking on the end of a leash held in Helsinki by ‘Russia, our greatest enemy’? Glad I smoke too much to hold my breath…
You & Shifty keep us sane. Training/certification program tmw a.m. for voter registration. Over and out. xo, S
Turd Reich. Hahahahahahahahahaha. Cap, I could kiss you for the that one even tho you’re a dude Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. That’s awesome!!!!! Hahahahahahahaha
The award for Ugliest Man Alive goes to…
Steve Mnuchbag! ?
Hey, do that thing with your lips, Steve!
C’mon, Yertle beats everyone for Ugly. Most Repulsive is close between the Orange Offal and Harvey Weinstein. I wish Cap could spread out a little bit–at least to tag Weinstein with some nicknames. (But Cap’s busy. He didn’t even get around to complimenting Two-Scoops on all the big words and compound sentences he got through in his speech to the nut-job anti-abortion group.
Admit it Cap. Trump is the COAT. Crappiest Of All Time.
Cap, you killed me with your paragraph about Adam Schiff! Such wit should not go unrecognized : apply for the Comic Writer Laureate position in the Trump administration. Can’t imagine why you wouldn’t score the job.
Two things: why would we object to Ninja Turtles in the Cabinet? And: listen to Pompeo carefully. He lisps when he lies. Badly. Loved “the Turd Reich.”
Okay, Capsters- as the proverbial shit hits the legendary fan, it’s all gonna depend on who has the biggest balls.
Moscow Mitch (working hand-in-mitten with Trump & WH counsel to insure ‘impartial justice’ so help him Dog),
put this proceeding into overdrive because he knew Bolton’s book draft was sitting in the WH awaiting approval ..ergo, no damned witnesses, amirite?!?!? Well, the mustache that devoured Baltimore is my age, from my old ‘hood and, as the son of a fireman, was sent off to a very pricy boys’ prep, so he has felt very ‘special’ since childhood, and is determined to be the hero in this saga. Question is: now that Bolton’s confirmation of ‘quid pro quo’ has leaked, will he just spill (sans subpoena), or allow McTurtle to pull the plug on this shitshow (sans witnesses)? Place your bets at Cap’s beer distributor. For one time only, we’re on Team Bolton. S