Hey everybody, I almost hate to interrupt whatever filthy, steamy, sex fantasies y’all are no doubt having about Adam Schiff right this very minute, but I figured we should round up the news real quick before disappearing back into his righteous embrace…ohhhhhh Adam, you’re so…thorough, oh…Um. Excuse me. Anyway, the blog:

The thirty-four American service members diagnosed with traumatic brain injuries in the aftermath of Iran’s recent missile strikes will no doubt be pleased to learn from their draft-dodging Commander-in-Chief that their injuries are sissy, girly, injuries that do not count, so please keep it down about the whole “lifetime of pain and other challenges” thing you’re facing. For a dude who lacks the courage to so much as sit for an interview with a real journalist outside the right wing dumbassosphere, the Bonespur Buttplug demonstrates unseemly confidence in judging the Americans who risk their lives defending his right to golf every weekend at taxpayer expense.

At Davos, during a break from being ignored by people who don’t have to lie about their wealth, the Candycorn Skidmark confessed to, and even bragged about, obstructing Congress, which is of course one of the very articles of impeachment against his treasonous ass. This shit must drive legitimate criminal masterminds nuts, y’know? Imagine you spent months pulling off the perfect, brilliant, heist, some real Steven Soderbergh shit, but you can’t ever tell anybody how you did it, while this mushbrained dolt gets to strut around, squawking, “We have all the material cuz I didn’t turn it over ME AM SO SMRT” just because he has 53 pet Senators.

Perhaps worried that the three-day-long, televised, deep dive into his many crimes would render him TOO popular, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot decided, unprompted, to remind America that, like a children’s cereal mascot who can’t wait for the poors to just die off already, he’s just Cuckoo for Entitlement Cuts. In the end, for all his flaws, I have to concede that Donald Trump is perhaps the most effective anti-Trump messenger available to the Resistance.

Tulsi Gabbard continued her pursuit of her bizarre What if You’re Kind of a Democrat But You Hate Democrats and Also Luv Dictators brand (it’s kinda like Goop, but angry), announcing a big ol’ frivolous lawsuit targeting Hillary Clinton. Really looking forward to regular updates on this case on the Tucker Carlson White Power Hour.

And then there was the whole “impeachment trial” thing, I suppose I should mention that. Democratic impeachment managers made you proud to be an American, and prouder still to be part of the sole major American political party that still believes in honesty, decency, the rule of law, constitutional separation of powers, and I’m pretty sure I heard Mike Pence say “Apple pie sucks” the other day. Shit, next to the shrieking mendacity of the likes of Pat Cipollone and Gym Jordan, just the competence is fucking inspirational, and you can’t help but appreciate the work our team has put into laying out their case, clearly and concisely.

Of course, Senate Republicans are awfully pissy that they have to sit through all this meddlesome “evidence” and “proof of their shameful complicity,” because it’ll undermine their ability to go on pretending they’ve been too busy to keep up with the biggest political scandal of their lifetimes. Of course, “I was asleep when that particular damning bit of evidence was mentioned,” remains a viable copout, along with “I was in the cloakroom,” and “I was flat out reading a fuckin’ book instead.” Ah, if only there had been fidget spinners in the days of Ancient Rome, Nero wouldn’t have needed to learn to fiddle.

Historians will mark this as the week when the Most Susan Collins Thing Ever occurred. In the middle of the the impeachment trial, Susan heard something from Democratic impeachment manager Jerry Nadler that shook her to her useless, pearl-clutching, core; no, it wasn’t any of the evidence of Hairplug Himmler’s crimes or betrayals, it was that Nadler was a big ol’ meaniepants in pointing out the Senate GOP is assisting the Trump Administration’s coverup JUST BECAUSE the Senate GOP is assisting the Trump Administration’s coverup. And so she tattled to Chief Justice John Roberts. Leave it to Susan Fucking Collins to haughtily whinge about decorum while her party conspires to end democracy in America. Sara Gideon’s first term can’t start soon enough.

One excuse, pardon me, one “argument” Republicans are taking out for a test spin is that the Shart House will simply invoke executive privilege if witnesses are called, potentially drawing out the trial for months, when they’d really much rather get back to the important work of ignoring the hundreds of bills Nancy Pelosi and the House have sent them. It’s a bullshit argument, of course, but I suppose they can’t quite bring themselves to utter the real truth out loud, but wouldn’t it be something to watch, say, Josh Hawley sneeringly proclaim, “Yeah, we’re letting it all ride on our brainwashed rube base! We’re hopin’ to squeeze at least one more term out of the dying gasps of white supremacy! Shit, Fux Nooz isn’t even broadcasting the trial, we can say whatever the fuck we want and they’ll still love us and hate you! Nothing matters! BYE!”

Lindsey Graham doesn’t want any additional witnesses at the impeachment trial, instead preferring a quick acquittal, even* in the face of overwhelming evidence of Dorito Mussolini’s guilt. What he DOES want is an official government investigation into the President’s political rivals, based on widely-debunked conspiracy theories. This is because Lindsey Graham is a fascist, working to destroy our Constitutional democracy in order to ensure his party stays permanently in power, whatever the will of the people. Jokes will return in the following paragraph, this one is just for ugly, horrifying, truths.

Marsha Blackburn, who has become a United States Senator despite a career more or less indistinguishable from That One Guy Who Sets Up a Microphone on Campus to Scream at Everyone Who Walks By That They’re Going to Hell, embraced some casually fascist tactics of her own, impugning the patriotism of Purple Heart recipient and impeachment witness Alexander Vindman. I suppose there are two ways of looking at this; either you believe America is America, or you believe America is a dirtbag game show host who stole money from charity to buy an ugly-ass painting of himself. There. Both sides. Chuck Todd would be proud.

Word is, the Treasonweasel Administration has threatened the already thoroughly-cowed Senate GOP Caucus to continue enabling the Emperor of Hemorrhoids’ every criminal whim, or “your head will be on a pike.” Whatever. Not like there’s anything worth preserving in those 53 empty craniums.

Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag became the latest prominent conservative goon to slip a quarter in the self-owning machine we call Picking a Fight with Greta Thunberg, demanding the teenager procure an economics degree before bothering bought-and-paid-for climate deniers like himself with her pesky facts. Yes, this is the same Steve Mnuchin who thinks the Trump tax cuts paid for themselves, and that his horrible wife didn’t marry him for his money.

Huge embarrassment in Shartopia today, as a heretofore unknown recording of Donnie Two-Scoops’ failed Sopranos audition surfaced, and boy, is it ev-excuse me, what? The tape is actually real, and it captures the President telling Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman, “Take her out,” apparently referencing Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch? ZOUNDS.

The more charitable voices in the news interpret this as a command to fire Yovanovitch, which might make sense if he gave it to whichever sycophantic peon happened to be acting chief of staff at the moment, rather than a room full of cheap thugs, many of whom are currently facing some rather significant criminal charges. Shit, even Mulvaney would need further clarification. “Get rid of her? Like, GET RID OF HER get rid of her?”

Upon hearing of this new bit of documented thuggery, John “Yes, Wyoming gets two Senators even though we have fewer voters than Coachella has hipsters” Barrasso, shrugged, “There will be new evidence every day. There will something new that comes out every day,” as though this was a reason to dismiss the charges against the Offal in the Oval, rather than investigate further. There’s SO much evidence of criminal wrongdoing we should let the man get on with his crimes, is the idea. It seems. This is real life, folks. I know it feels sometimes like we’re trapped in a nightmare George Orwell is having after losing a spicy-hot-wings-eating contest, but it’s real fuckin’ life.

Seems Chief Thuglomat Mike Pompeo does not enjoy the press, with all their uppity demands for “answers to questions” and “accountability,” as demonstrated by the petulant tantrum he threw at an NPR reporter. To me, Mike is the scariest member of the entire Turd Reich; no, he’s not as wily or effective as Bill Barr, but he possesses the zealot’s conviction that God will stay on his side through whatever atrocities he may perpetrate, and is, if anything, a little irritated with him for holding back up to this point. Look in his eyes when he’s facing the press; this is a man fantasizing about camps and gallows.

And now I see the Velveeta Vulgarian literally stole the fucking Starfleet insignia from Star Trek as the logo for his idiotic “Space Force,” and we really need to get rid of this clown before he starts appointing Ninja Turtles to the cabinet.

Alright, everybody, that’s what I got. Steer clear of exotic new viruses this weekend! Oh, and please donate to the Kickstarter for my very first comic book! All the cool Resisters are doing it, y’know!

*especially