Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
At the Dawning of the Age of Impeachment, a Murderstache Shall Guide Them!
I tell you what, friends, a trial in a culture where the people inhabit two separate realities is the best idea Lewis Carroll never had. It would be fascinating if it weren’t for the whole Hey Maybe We Don’t Have a Functioning Constitution Anymore aspect of it, which really shits in my beer, y’know? Well, Happy Monday anyway, let’s chronicle this garbage.
In a bit of laughably disingenuous pre-coordinated bullshit the likes of which hasn’t been seen since the Brooks Brothers Riot or the Bowling Green Massacre, Senate Republicans engaged in a little theatrical whinging, sort of the political equivalent of every over-serious audition-room rendering of On My Own. The idea seems to be that Adam Schiff, in referencing last week’s widely-reported “head on a pike” story during his closing statement, hurt their senatorial fee-fees so much that they’re now basically allowed to ignore the House’s entire flawlessly-constructed case, and also have their moms take them out for ice cream.
Oklahoma’s Jaggy Jim Lankford practically tripped over his own feet in search of the first available television personality to somberly inform that he was indeed “visibly upset,” by Schiff’s line, a totally normal bit of human speech to describe a totally normal bit of human behavior. I myself was audibly repulsed by Lankford’s phony posturing, by which I mean it led me to release an unusually exuberant fart. My cat, it must be stated, was forced to briefly leave the room.
Did any of these mortally offended Senators express the slightest bit of outrage and indignation when news of Pikegate initially broke? Oddly, not one of them uttered a peep. Weird that the story only became offensive once they found a context to weaponize it against Dems and impeachment, isn’t it?
Almost as weird as the sudden swell of senatorial silence when Hairplug Himmler used his Twitter platform to insult, and indeed, threaten America’s Handsomest Patriot Man, Mr. Adam Schiff. Decorum, it seems, is for play-acting in front of the teevee cameras, not for the real world, with all its messy stochastic terrorism and whatnot.
You could be forgiven for missing Team Treasonweasel’s opening arguments in the impeachment trial. Basically the lawyers belched up a few tired, half-hearted, lies, and then Jay Sekulow took a dump on the floor and Pat Cipollone sculpted the turd into a little poo snowman, stuck some googly eyes on it and proclaimed it the God of Exoneration, and bellowed that it told them Littlefinger was innocent, and then Sekulow and Cipollone sacrificed their dignity and their reputations to the Turd God in thanks.
Truly there is no better messenger for Trumpism than Paula “Give me your January salary, no really, just give it to me, no, you won’t get anything back, I would just like a pile of free money please” White, Tangerine Idi Amin’s “spiritual advisor.” (By the way, you are super-shitty at that job, Paula. The old bastard’s spirit is a cancer-ridden cockroach marinating in hooker piss) White made the extremely Christian prayer for God to terminate any and all “satanic pregnancies” whatever those are. Now, I’m sure Paula spends no small amount of her time fantasizing about wielding the power to choose precisely which pregnancies are sufficiently godly as to be allowed to come to term, but yeah, we’re at the “evangelicals praying for mass abortion” stage of the ride, and I would very much like to be let off now, thank you.
While we’re on the subject of religious loons, Demented Faux Christian Hate-Monger Rick Wiles’ “TruNews,” a nutjob site famous for its anti-Semitism and also its further anti-Semitism, got press credentials from the Shart House itself to “cover” President Crotchrot’s annual Embarrass the Fuck Out of America trip to Davos. Y’see, the Grand Wizard Grifter wasn’t making an offhand remark when he referred to the white nationalist Charlottesville marchers as “very fine people;” it is in fact one of his few deeply-held core beliefs.
Malicious, Manic, Moody, Mobster Mike Pompeo apparently felt America had paid insufficient attention to the juvenile tirade he unleashed on NPR’s Mary Louise Kelly, and so he doubled down (presumably Pompeo’s duties as Secretary of State are being handled by a ficus while he focuses on this tantrum), releasing a childish little follow-up statement, accusing Kelly of lying (she had receipts, of course) and even going so far as to suggest she had failed his famous Point At This Unlabeled Map I Keep Around at All Times to Pick Fights With Because I’m Emotionally Stunted test, and confused Ukraine with Bangladesh. Yes, this is same Mary Louise Kelly with a degree in European Studies. From Cambridge. And the same Mike Pompeo who believes in the rapture. If we’re having an intellectual pissing contest, that is.
Lordy, Pompeo has now gone so far as to kick a different NPR reporter off the flight for his upcoming Europe trip, as well as rescinding all NPR staff’s invitations to his birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese’s, where there’s gonna be Skee-ball and three different kinds of cake. Gettin’ sick of loser fascism, here. Anyway, what does the Bible say about being a petty, vindictive, lying, brat, Mikey?
The Bowing and Scraping event at the 2020 Olympics is certainly going to be competitive, with all 53 GOP Senators looking like strong contenders, and that’s before factoring in dark horses like Jefferson Beauregard Sessions th’Third, desperately seeking his old job on a “Donald Trump fed me shit for two years before finally firing me, and I’m begging you for the opportunity to gorge myself on turds again, vote Sessions, spines are liberals!” platform.
But don’t sleep on Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton, though, defenestrating his fellow veterans with nary a nanosecond’s hesitation, all to back up Strawberry Shartcake’s vile dismissal of service members’ traumatic brain injuries as Wuss Wounds. When Tom runs for president someday, and he will, make sure voters remember his cowardice and stoogery during this time when America desperately needed leaders.
And then there’s the Tale of John Bolton and the Smoking Stache. Yes, Bolton’s forthcoming book, which he desperately wants folks to buy but which we will not buy, because fuck you you genocidal maniac is why, reportedly contains a passage saying hell yeah, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot told Bolton directly that he was withholding military aid from Ukraine until Zelensky and co. agreed to personally check both under the bed and inside the closet for the Big Bad Biden that frightens him so. And Republicans are frankly exhausted, because goalposts are big and heavy, and they really thought they’d get to leave them at “well, we haven’t heard from anyone who heard quid pro quo directly from Trump, so NOTHING MATTERS HAW HAW HAW,” at least for a while, and now they have to start spinning new bullshit excuses for betraying their oaths and their country.
…and suddenly the field for those Bowing and Scraping medals got even more crowded. Missouri’s Roy Blunt isn’t going to let a silly ol’ thing like Still More Damning Evidence Confirming All of the Previous Damning Evidence get in the way of his life’s work, which is now nothing more than Helping Donald Trump Get Away With Crimes, Mamma Blunt must be so proud of her boy. Even shiny new Senator-by-appointment Kelly Loeffler got into the obsequious disinformation game, popping her gaslighting cherry faster than any GOP official to date. And Joni Ernst couldn’t stop herself from giddily snickering that the impeachment trial gave Government Cheese Goebbels just what he wanted; a platform to spread malicious, debunked, propaganda about Smilin’ Joe.
But the Bolton evidence remains, and the American public knows about it, so I’m not sure what the Senate GOP imagines it’s getting away with by blocking his testimony. Just another smoking gun to throw on the pile with all the other smoking guns, I suppose. Seems like I have to shovel smoking guns off of the driveway every six hours or so, just to get the car out.
Ken Starr stood on the floor of the Senate to rail against impeachment, and I’m starting to understand that while modern conservatism offers little in the way of policy solutions for any of America’s urgent problems, it does seem to promise freedom from shame, and I kinda get that; I probably would’ve signed right up if they’d recruited me with that pitch that one time in high school when I absentmindedly starting singing along, out loud, to “Sweet Transvestite” on the bus on the way to the bowling alley for gym class. Trumpian shamelessness sure would’ve come in handy that week.
Starr insists there’s just too dang much impeachment these days. It’s like Starbucks, you drive by a dozen different impeachments on the way to work. He’s right, too. I recently impeached an oatmeal raisin cookie I accidentally purchased, believing it to be a chocolate chip cookie, but I couldn’t get the votes for removal because Roger Wicker is a fucking puppet for Big Raisin.
And Pam Bondi, who is literally famous for taking a bribe from Donald Trump, used her time to push out-of-date conspiracy theories that even Pizzagaters would admit were beyond stale. I didn’t pay much attention, honestly, but I think the gist was that Hunter Biden killed Christ, or maybe JFK, whatever. Also, nepotism is apparently bad, except, as article 6.2 of section Q of the Constitution clearly states, when the president’s son-in-law sells state secrets to the Saudi government in order to pay off family debts.
Anyway, today, the legal team representing the President of the United States unashamedly parroted Russian propaganda, to Putin’s delight, in defense of that very President, in case you’re wondering why the Lincoln Memorial is weeping tears of blood.
What happens next? Trapped as we are in this Turd Circus, who the fuck knows? It’s looking more and more like there could actually be enough GOP votes to call Bolton as a witness, but the Cowed Accomplice Caucus keeps making noises about calling retaliatory witnesses of their own, a list which may or may not include Joe Biden, Hunter Biden, Huey, Dewey, & Louie Biden, Adam Schiff, Barack Obama, Joe Biden But With a Goatee (from the Mirror Universe), A Honey-Baked Ham, Whoever It Was Who Told Ted Cruz He Looks Good With That Beard, Banana Fana Fo Fiden, Aquaman, and Oh Let’s Say Moe Biden.
And look, we even got an additional treacherous teaser for Bolton’s book, just as tonight’s draft was nearing completion.
But don’t buy Bolton’s book, BUY MINE. Yes, the Kickstarter for Cap’s very first comic is still live, and we’ve attracted quite a little audience of Resisters! Get in on it, friends, your support thus far has already been amazing, and I can’t wait to share the finished product with you!
Oh, Cap, my dear, you really are on point tonight! I almost spat beer all over my monitor at your last few paragraphs. Good work, my man, good work. (And I did manage a quick swallow before the beer came flying out….)
I try to save your blog until the end of the day’s madness. I am amazed by your ability to rapidly assemble these atrocities and assign sardonic commentary to the events and characters. It helps to make the insanity tolerable.
As with pig farmers, you must have a cleansing ritual to perform before returning to a less putrid intracranial environment?
Many sincere thanks for your work and the pain involved.
Oh mannnnnn, I need a drink. It is always good to read your chronical and laugh. But I hear the scrapings of their dead fingers outside my window. Those fucking repubs are gonna do it. They are going to throw democracy under the bus all for a orange man who has not one whit of humanity and who cares nothing that we are here. We are gonna turn all the way into a banana republic. Our water is gonna be undrinkable, our air isn’t gonna have enough oxygen in it. People will lose their healthcare and their social security. People will disappear into the night. A nightmare. We already have poor who live in those conditions. The repugs have the concentration camp scenario down. Please wake me up………………
before I have a nightmare about john bolton with a soul patch and a shaved head! Yee gawds.
And are we paying for all those evangelicals and their fucking meetings with trump, elevating him to The Chosen?
First time I heard about the patty-cake women and her “job.” Her kind of people make the hairs stand up on back of my neck. Thinking of the religioooon that they profess and that they are part of and stepping into the government makes me want to throw up. You want to worship fine, go to your fucking church and take the little orange man with you please. No more meetings with the offal and in the office.
But I feel like I’m in the “Handmaid’s Tale”. I read that book when it came out and it scared me to my core. Now it is happening, or getting closer anyway.
I can’t wait for your book to come out Cap. The graphics look so very cool too. Keep writing, I’ll keep reading. Cheers!
Defenestration; that was a good one. I had to look it up.
You are the best! When I save up a little I will absolutely kick in to your Kickstarter. Meanwhile, I am spreading the word!