
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.

Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.

Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.

Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.

Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.

The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.

Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.

NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”

UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.

MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.

THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.

HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
In Hindsight, Electing the Narcissistic Rapist Autocrat May Have Been a Mistake
Elon Musk tried to lock me out of my blog, but my password’s got an uppercase letter, a number, AND a symbol, so I’m safe for now. As safe as anyone can be, here in the shit-flooded zone that is…well, whatever we’re calling the landmass north of the Gulf of ‘Murica these days.
So, we had ourselves one zany little constitutional crisis this week, when Littlefinger pulled his favorite move from the private sector on the whole dang federal government, the one where he decides to not pay the bill.
See, when you don’t pay the bill, you get to keep the money, right? He had big plans for that Meals on Wheels budget, you guys. He was gonna re-gild all the toilets down at Marm-a-Lago, really splurge on his next order from the Too-Long Red Necktie of the Month catalogue…but alas, the nation’s olds declined to meekly transport themselves to the glue factory, at their own expense. Filthy takers.
Basically, Fat Q*bert tried to grant himself line-item veto over every dollar ever appropriated, and congressional Republicans obediently yapped, “Sounds wonderful, sir! Thank for not pointing your hammer-wielding cultists in the direction of my home, or even my vacation home!”
Oddly enough, shutting Medicaid off proved unpopular, so the Turd Reich swiftly backpedaled away from their own memo, like it was a candidate for Attorney General who got caught trafficking minors for sex or somethin’.
I do so enjoy watching these shitbags lose. Especially big, fat, stupid, sloppy blunders like this, setting massive stacks of political capital ablaze, only to walk away with absolutely nothing.
Nothing except a rejuvenated opposition, that is. I’ll admit we’ve been in a state of, um, well, hmm, I suppose you could call it “disarray,” were you so inclined, but it looks like Resistance is back on the menu.
Right in the nick of time, too, since these pudding-brained billionaires are gonna get us all killed.
Because the government must be shrunk until the entire executive branch fits up Donald Trump’s ass, the new administration has, to date, largely focused on purges of the insufficiently sycophantic. They gutted an aviation safety committee at DHS, and Elon forced the FAA chief out over a lingering SpaceX grudge, and in a wacky, completely unrelated coincidence, America immediately experienced the worst aviation disaster since 2001.
News of the tragedy reached the President while he was in the Trump Cave, deep beneath Stately Trump Manor, watching the livestream from the cameras he had secretly installed in Ivanka’s bedroom. “This looks like a job for a septuagenarian rapist with a cranium full of rancid cottage cheese!” he declared, hopping in his little golf cart, because the White House briefing room was too far away to walk.
Ah, Donnie Dotard in the briefing room! I assume that triggered the same flashback in all of us, to the look of cosmic horror in Dr. Deborah Birx’s eyes as her boss told a fearful nation to douse their innards in disinfectant.
The problem, he explained, is that women and minorities are allowed to have jobs. This is bad, because it is not meritocracy. “Meritocracy” is when white dudes from the magical talking picture box are in charge of everything. Did you know, not ONE member of Lincoln’s so-called “team of rivals” had ever hosted their own TV show? No wonder there was a civil war.
While neither aircraft involved in the accident seems to’ve been piloted by anyone non-white or non-male, it was still ENTIRELY DEI’S FAULT, because everyone was so distracted thinking about all those poor pets getting eaten by Haitian migrants in Springfield, Ohio that they forgot to pay attention to flying.
I think the question that’s destined to most befuddle the historians of the future is like…how, precisely, did such blithering bumblefucks come to believe in their own racial superiority? Any civilization with the slightest interest in survival would completely reverse our current deport/confirm-as-Cabinet-secretary standards.
Elon’s certainly been a busy little bee. Between all the heiling and cheating at video games and undermining of air safety, he’s still somehow found time to try to bully his way into the traditionally non-partisan Treasury Department office that oversees trillions in government payments. That, um, seems like a bad idea.
Anyway, that’s one more exemplary career civil servant to toss on the purge pile. You probably won’t even notice him, amidst all the inspectors general, and everyone at the FBI who was even tangentially involved in investigating Individual 1’s many, many crimes. Oh, also every prosecutor at DoJ who thinks domestic terrorism is bad.
Musk apparently hopes to entice vast swaths of the federal workforce to self-deport, with “buyouts” reminiscent of those offered when he turned Twitter into a playground for white supremacists. So, y’know, if history would be kind enough to not repeat itself this one time, I’d be grateful.
In the unlikely event that the DOGE crew possesses any actual interest in cutting wasteful spending, this plan to reinstate COVID vaccine refusers to the military with back pay feels like low-hanging fruit. Paying petulant idiots for work they didn’t do seems mighty damn inefficient to me.
On the other hand, we can probably make up the revenue by implementing Georgia Congresscreep Rich McCormick’s plan to make child labor great again. You wanna tax the little sponges at the highest possible rate, too, leave ‘em just enough to pay for school lunch; they’d only blow anything left over on Pokémon cards and rainbow fentanyl.
(Any children declining assignment to the coal mines will be sent to Coach Senator Tuberville’s office, to be beaten with a belt.)
What else, what ellllllllllse?
Oh, I see Kristi Noem’s making the media rounds in her raciest storm trooper costume, so I guess the mass deportations are under way. They aren’t yet live-streamed, so poor Nancy Mace’ll have to keep on masturbating to the same old snuff films of orphans for now. Maybe she can invite that Texas substitute teacher over, you know, the one who stooged their own students out to ICE, split a six-pack of wine coolers, maybe torture some gerbils to death.
No, there hasn’t been nearly enough human suffering yet. Heck, the cruelty is the whole dang point, remember? And if that means diverting resources from actual law enforcement to meet Tangerine Idi Amin’s racial purity quotas, so be it. Gotta pay that upcharge to use military flights for deportations, that’s just basic showmanship. Plus this new concentration camp at Guantanamo Bay ain’t gonna fill itself up, y’know.
Things’re going about as well on the foreign affairs front as they are domestically, though thankfully, Secretary Rubio has yet t’be called upon to drink any water. There was a brief, embarrassing kerfuffle with Colombia, and sure, our government misspelled the name of the country they needlessly antagnoized, but it coulda been worse. (If the President declares war on Kulumbeeyuh, I can legally ignore the draft notification…right?)
Oh, they did shut down all foreign aid payments, so the hardworking American taxpayer can finally claw back that three trillion dollars we spent on monogrammed buttplugs for Hamas. Causing real misery in the name of imaginary problems, that’s the Trump Doctrine™️.
Which brings us to the trade war. Ignoring the warnings of economists in favor of a controversial theory espoused primarily by Hulk Hogan, the dizzy twit slapped 25% tariffs on our two largest trade partners, Canada and Mexico. Smaller tariffs for China, because obviously we want to be harder on democratic allies than hostile autocratic regimes. Obviously.
And the pain won’t be confined to your grocery bill, by the way. Pharmaceuticals, oil, semiconductors, electronics…the President of the United States is committed to inflicting senseless, unnecessary destruction on every corner of the American economy.
Because so many of the Oath Loaders and Glad Lads he pardoned keep getting re-arrested on kiddie porn charges, or gunned down by law enforcement for resisting arrest during routine traffic stops, Off-Brand Orbán went and pardoned a bunch of anti-abortion extremists, because how’s an aspiring dictator supposed to create a climate of fear without a free-ranging army of legally unaccountable, wingnut vigilantes?
A Michigan priest was defrocked this week, because the Anglican Catholic Church knows what to do with dudes who throw Nazi salutes, even if the U.S. government doesn’t.
I’ll say this about flooding the zone with shit, I’m five beers deep into this blog, and I haven’t even touched on the motherfucking Cabinet confirmation hearings yet. And yoo guyz, Tulshi Gabbard ish a Russian spy yoo guyz, we can’t confarm her we just *hic* can’t.
I guess RFK throws live animals into blenders? I honestly don’t know if that’d make the top ten list of reasons why he shouldn’t be HHS secretary, but still…gross.
And Kash Patel is…well, he’s Kash Patel, isn’t he?
Yeah, shit’s moving pretty fast, but I gotta cut this blog off someplace, so if I missed a story about President Rapist ordering a tactical nuclear strike on JB Pritzker’s house or something, my apologies.
Look, I know it’s a lot, folks, but in the very first special election under this new Reich, we flipped an Iowa state Senate seat in a district that voted Dotard by 21 points. And that was before the fucking trade war.
Honestly, a 25% tariff on luchador masks will hit the Shower Cap household pretty hard, so I’ll rattle the ol’ tip jar (now accepting Cash App, Venmo and PayPal) a little harder than usual tonight. If you’re able, stay safe out there, my friends…
I don’t know how you keep up with all this, Cap, but I’m glad you do. You are appreciated, my friend. Take care and keep on keeping us informed of all the stuff we’d miss otherwise.
Hey Cap we were just the victims of a **Bloodless Coup** as Musk forced out the last guy protecting our Financials and seized control of all the US money. This also means that he now has unfettered access to anyone’s bank info who ever got a check or deposit from the US Treasury etc. He then had the computer systems changed and locked out everyone whose job it was to process the payments such as Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, salary deposits, contractor payments, basically any money owed to any one. Seems that Kruschev was right– they could indeed take over America without firing a shot. And Alexander Hamilton was right that it doesn’t matter where the buildings that house the government are as long as you have control of the banks. It is a fait acompli.
All l can say is: l remain grateful you’re still here going strong, Cap. Me: l too am enjoying my free speech to comment while l have it. Stay in the good fight. Beer helps. 🍺
My Captain,
Oh My Godzilla! Littlefinger, Fat QBert, ‘setting fat stacks of political capital ablaze’…
You sir are a tour de force in your own right. Brilliant column, my friend! If we survive (if I survive the next 1400 or so days it will largely be a function of your assistance in keeping my mind right.
And I thank you!!!
Is that his actual tiny hand?
Well, I know that 30,000 migrants couldn’t be housed at Gitmo — there simply isn’t enough water capacity there. In 1964, my father was the engineer who started up the power plant manufactured by the Wickes Boiler Co for the Naval Desalination Plant at Guantanamo Bay. (I was just a kid at the time, but I remember these things, (and still have the paperwork from my father)). That boiler plant is still there and is the power source to make the all the fresh water used on the base. I am also an engineer, and I know that 1964 boiler technology was NOT designed to take that sort of surge in demand. If you just give the migrants one gallon of drinking water per day, that would obviously require 30,000 more gallons of water — and that would not cover cooking, cleaning, washing dishes, bathing, etc… Another really stupid idea from the man who thinks we should drink bleach to cure COVID…
🤣😆😂 Excellent! Thanks, Cap. We really need you on BlueSky, btw. 😊
Excellent suggestion! So, why AREN’T you on Bluesky, Cap? Trying to encourage folks in the Purgatory there? :-/ If every good person up and bailed on President Musk, he wouldn’t have — well, one of his more minor sources of income, but still!
Dry January was really rough this year, thanks to the Gross Abomination Party and their total lack of sanity, decency, competence, and humanity. Cap, your fine balance of humor with horror is a national treasure and I applaud your efforts to enlighten as we collapse into the new American Dark Ages. Despite all our potential for good, hubris and the mental illness of religion will destroy our society and possibly civilization, as it has many times before. Grim days, indeed. Peace.