
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.

Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.

Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.

Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.

Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.

The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.

Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.

NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”

UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.

MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.

THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.

HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Wait, the Guy From The Apprentice is PRESIDENT?!?!?
Hey, am I still allowed to blog? I have no idea what my rights are anymore. A couple dudes in red coats with muskets showed up yesterday, and I guess I’m quartering them now? Guess I shoulda read Project 2025 a little more closely, back before that executive order that banned literacy.
Well, the Turd Reich swept back into power on a wave of cringe which, in hindsight, could only have been soundtracked by Kid Rock’s made-for-the-casino-and-state-fair-circuit anthem, “Let’s Go Brandon”, and a downright sacrilicious prayer from a fashy pair of podcasters calling themselves, I kid you not, “Girls Gone Bible.”
Several of the Children of the Candy Corn, including known insurrectionists, made the pilgrimage to D.C. to celebrate their temporary triumph over decency and common sense, only to have the show called off at the last minute, to spare the new press secretary the indignity of Spiceresque crowd size lies.
No, the great populist preferred to remain indoors, safe and snug in the arms of his new billionaire buddies. He’ll call you next time he needs a riot, though, or a buyer for his next commemorative ear diaper or NFT or whatever.
…or MEME COIN. Lordy. Sloppy old fop still doesn’t understand how tariffs work, but goddamn if he doesn’t keep abreast of the latest technological developments in the grifting field. Wants to drag the nation back to the 1890s, while he lives on the bleeding edge of corruption.
Gotta admit, cryptocurrency is perfect for the modern kleptocrat on the go, a one stop shop where brainwashed shut-ins can drain their retirement accounts into the same pot as hostile foreign powers looking to bribe their way out of legislation limiting their ability to divide and spy on our internet-addled populace.
A republic, if you can outbid the Chinese for it.
Anyway, the unwelcome rerun of the Rapist Game Show Host Gets the Nuclear Codes Show garnered the worst inaugural ratings since 2013, which has to be humiliating for a shallow, fame-obsessed manchild, but hey, at least Zuck got to ogle some boobies.
Also, Melania got to wear the Hat That Launched a Thousand Hamburglar Jokes. Oh, and that Musk fellow threw a couple Nazi salutes, though he was not wearing an amusing hat at the time.
Perhaps I’m being too hard on poor Elon. After all, if a man with an extensive history of spreading debunked “race science” and anti-Semitic conspiracy theories, who bought one of the world’s largest social media platforms, and immediately filled it with previously banned white nationalists, white supremacists, and out-and-out Nazis doesn’t deserve the benefit of the doubt, who does?
Yeah, it’s super unfair to imply there’s any bigotry in the Republican Party. I apologize and repent. Anyway, as soon as the festivities ended, before Melania even had time to change the locks on the White House bedroom door, Off-Brand Orbán issued a flurry of let’s-see-what-I-can-get-away-with executive orders, most of which amount to hanging a White Dudes Only (But Byron Donalds Can Stay So Long As He Keeps Calling Me Daddy) sign on the United States.
We’re talking about rolling back civil rights protections that’ve been in place since the Johnson Administration. Canceling air travel for long since vetted and approved refugees. A feeble attempt to unilaterally rewrite the text of the 14th Amendment to eliminate birthright citizenship, which, sure, has already been blocked in the courts, but wait till Clarence Thomas sees that brand new Cybertruck in his driveway.
He pulled us out of the Paris climate agreement and the World Health Organization, and formally proclaimed Billy Mitchell Donkey Kong Champion for Life. He obstructed cancer research and directed the Pentagon to make umbrellas easier to close. He did all kindsa dumb shit. My brain would run screaming from my skull were I to list it all here.
Yet another order makes Denali Mount McKinley again, which feels like Stephen Miller cashing in a promised birthday wish, frankly. Like, he begs every year for a migrant concentration camp of his very own, finally settles for a spurt of fleeting geographical spite, that kinda thing.
Oh, I suppose I should mention the terrorists. Yeah, you may not’ve heard, but the President of the United States pardoned a bunch of domestic terrorists. First thing, actually. The day went: Oath of Office, Wife Briefly Permits Physical Contact, Mass Release of Violent Criminals.
Me, I think prison is a fantastic place to keep terrorists, probably the best place, but I confess I can see the appeal of having your own, personal army of legally unaccountable thugs. The bar across the street might think twice about blasting techno music after midnight if I had my own Oath Loaders or Glad Lads to dispatch.
Maybe the executive order addressing the price of eggs got lost in the mail. Or maybe we should believe the Dotard when he tells Sean Hannity he doesn’t care about the economy, he’d rather focus on revenge against his political enemies.
He certainly wasted little time revoking security details for John Bolton, Mike Pompeo, and Anthony Fauci, but lowering grocery prices is “hard.” Those campaign trail promises to bring swift conclusions to the wars in Ukraine and Israel? Look, maybe he’ll get to that stuff once the really pressing priorities, like removing Mark Milley’s portrait from the Pentagon, have been addressed.
But probably not.
Oh, and his longstanding personal grudge against windmills means the U.S. will voluntarily fall behind in the race to develop renewable energy sources. Something something America first.
One surprise obstacle to the pursuit of personal pettiness: the apparently substantial number of filthy text messages Republican lawmakers sent to former Mark Meadows assistant Cassidy Hutchinson, which could be revealed should they subpoena her to testify. I dunno, sounds t’me like precisely the sort of rake Jimmy Comer loves to step on.
Plus, I guess we’re gonna disband FEMA, in favor of a system where we outsource disaster relief to Franklin Graham, in case you thought things couldn’t possibly get any dumber.
Readers of draft age will be delighted to hear Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot has already found time for a belligerent phone call with the Danish government over the proposed conquest of Greenland. But if you’re worried about dying a meaningless death on the soil of a longtime European ally, know that Marjorie Taylor Greene wants to “force” the entire world to honor her God Emperor’s petulant “Gulf of America” proclamation, so you could be destined for an unmarked grave in a far more exotic locale.
Andy Ogles can’t wait to send your kids off to die in his boss’ wars of conquest, because he says we’re the “dominant predator.” Andy also wants to amend the Constitution to permit the Velveeta Vulgarian to run for another term, so heck, maybe your grandkids can, too!
The first school shooter of the second Trump term appears to be an honest-to-goodness Black Nazi, so maybe Mark Robinson started a trend. I admit I wonder, when someone like Candace Owens encounters their name, approvingly, in a teenaged murder/suicide’s manifesto, do they feel the teensiest bit of shame, or is that just a corner space on their bucket list bingo card?
I see Vivek Ramaswamy has already worn out his welcome at DOGE, which…like, how fucking unbearable must this dude’s company be, right? So far, the only other guy to get kicked off the MAGA train trafficked teenagers for sex, and even he managed to muster a handful of defenders.
Coming this fall to Fox…Lauren Boebert: Potty Detective! Follow the zany, genital-examining exploits of an established sex pest as she flits from bathroom to bathroom, accusing random strangers of possessing the wrong bits! And don’t worry, even when she’s totally, completely, inescapably wrong, she still gets to go back to her day job, voting on the laws the rest of us have to follow!
You can see how Bishop Mariann Budde got under these asshats’ skin, can’tcha?
“Mercy? MERCY? You don’t understand, Bishop, the cruelty is the whole dang point! Golly gee, we haven’t been mainlining dehumanizing rhetoric for years just to worry about mercy NOW! We believed the absurdities, now we get to commit the atrocities, that was the deal!”
I mean, I get it. You’re all frothy with bloodthirst, along comes this mean ol’ Bishop to remind you what the Bible actually SAYS…it spoils the mood.
But man oh man, the guts it took to be the first to step into the line of fire, to volunteer for the Two Minutes Hate, right at the zenith of MAGA’s influence…Bishop Budde’s worth more than the whole lot of ‘em put together.
And I know we’ve been a bit, um, shall we say “demoralized” since last November, but I hope we can look to her example, and get back in fight. Shit, glancing at the early approval numbers for these fucks and their fuckery, we’ll have ‘em on the run by spring.
Anyhow, forgive me for any stories that may’ve fallen through the cracks; like the rest of you, I was mostly just trying to endure the inaugural week’s septic firehose. Gonna be a ride, that’s for sure.
Maybe I’ll launch my own cryptocurrency. Until then, you can contribute to my beer fund, via Cash App, Venmo, or PayPal. Or you can sign up on the email list at showercapblog.com, or follow @john_luzar for free. I’ll get on Bluesky one of these days. Until then, stay safe out there, amidst all the pardoned terrorists. We’ll get through this…probably.
PS, looks like I’m gonna juuuuust miss the Hesgeth confirmation vote, but I sure do hope the United States Senate doesn’t install the drunken lout who had to buy his abused wife’s silence for fifty grand at the head of the most powerful military force the planet has ever seen. Seems like a bad idea t’me. Just my two cents.
UPDATE: Well, congrats on your drunken lout. Bet it works out real well.
Hegseth has been confirmed on a 50-50 vote. Tillis caved, as it was obvious he would. Wanna bet he goes out tonight and gets falling-down drunk? But that’s OK – the fascists don’t give a shit.
This week has felt like 10 years! Stay safe and carry on
Sigh….
I loved the reference to Voltaire’s quote.
“those who believe absurdities …”
Sigh…
Shower Cap- you’re in good company with the Bishop- I hope you both keep up the good work- we need you to keep us ready to fight.
That Bishop Budde has some real guts to call out T**** right to his face, in public. I’m not a church-goer, but that woman has my deepest respect. I can’t help thinking that some of T’s family sitting there with him, were snickering inside. It was epic.
Thanks for your blog, it’s desperately needed and anxiously awaited each Friday during this surreal nightmare.
You know who was listening and wouldn’t let her husband distract her from the Rt. rev. Buddha’s sermon of mercy? That’s right….JDVance’s immigrant wife. No matter how many times he tried to lean over and start to chat, she ignored him and listened. Those words didn’t fall without being heard. They were heard loud and clear, and were heard gladly.
Oath Loaders and Glad Lads just about broke the giggle bank here. As for the drunken lout, I think we are well and truly fucked and not only did I not consent, I also don’t get to have a rape kit. Or a doctor…need a health care system that lets a woman choose to see a doc, I’m guessing even if I am 70, in which I couldn’t possibly have been raped right? Unless it was y an immigrant. And it wasn’t, let’s be clear about that… but I digress
Good first week re-telling of the undead walking into the untold. Can’t wait for the next re-Cap…
Joni
Really needed this after everything. The science and WHO setbacks are especially getting me down. Thanks, Cap.
“Mercy? MERCY? You don’t understand, Bishop, the cruelty is the whole dang point! Golly gee, we haven’t been mainlining dehumanizing rhetoric for years just to worry about mercy NOW! We believed the absurdities, now we get to commit the atrocities, that was the deal!”
This needs to be repeated. Perfect!
Septic firehose is a perfect description of the week from hell that still seems surreal. I will never ever believe the Rapist in Chief won fair and square, not with Apartheid Elon’s meddling especially, anymore than l’ll ever think of Felon47 as a legitimate president when the Constitution he’s in the process of immolating clearly disqualifies him as an adjudicated Insurrectionist which even SCOTUS failed to overturn while giving him immunity last summer. Our media would be screaming this maybe … if our MSM wasn’t owned by the oligarchs bringing plutocrats into government. Stay sane, Cap. We need you.
Hi, Cap!
So glad you’re here. I very much appreciate your efforts to keep us sane in these insane times!
I would like to help stock your beer fridge, but can’t find the link for PayPal. Could you please post it? Thanks!
Take care of yourself, dear friend!
Dear Cap, we are in this together.
I did not ever think I would have to spend my waning years fighting Nazis, but here we are.
So grateful for you and your brilliant writing! Thank you.
Until you get around to joining Bluesky, I will faithfully post the link so nobody misses it. I posted yours on Facebook regularly, but I finally dumped that yesterday. And, of course, automatically shared something right after, so I cancelled my cancellation and have to do it all again. Damn!
Thanks for wading through the shit-flooded zone for us, Cap…are you holding up ok?
The unfolding of Project 2025 is sickening to behold, as is everything else coming from the defiled White House.
Are we the people dumb enough to let some billionaire assholes take away everything? AI must be stopped now. Tax all religions. Scrap the electoral college and our current supreme court. Universal health care, goddamn it. Stop burning fossil fuels. Stop acting like we haven’t totally butt fucked our only planet and ourselves.
We are the stupidest species on Earth with the greatest potential, but hey- growth, progress and hubris can take you a long way down the road to total self destruction!
Peace, if you can find it.
Didn’t think anyone could make me laugh on this week of horrors, and having the flu to boot, but you achieved it! Thanks, Cap.