We used to have a little something called “family values” in this country. When two billionaires joined forces to subvert democracy, it was for life. Sure, there’d be bumps along the road, but you worked that shit out, you stayed together. Fired veterans together. Starved millions of children together.

Sometimes I wonder if a lasting bromance between two malignant narcissists is even possible in this crazy, mixed-up world of ours. Dang, they never even got their own portmanteau couple name! (If it’s not too late, I’d like to submit “Elonald Mump.”)

Anyway, yes, the megasloppy divorce everyone saw coming arrived ahead of schedule, and I think I speak for all involved when I say how delightful it is to watch the bad guys take a few footballs to the groin for a change.

Ironically, this “feud” may well have brought out the best in both dorks. Seriously. I mean, when Elon calls Trump a recession-causing pedophile who should be impeached…he’s not wrong. And when Donnie calls Musk a maniac and threatens to cut off his billions and billions of dollars’ worth of government subsidies, well, shit, that’s the best idea he’s had since he fired Mike Flynn.

Honestly, I love this for these two. What worthier target could either shitbag hope to find for their boundless pettiness and spite? Let’s find ‘em a nice, cozy, bottomless pit where they can flail at one another until the sun goes out.

I never want it to stop, you guys. Death Cult Civil War is my favorite show now. If it’s absolutely necessary that I share my country with the likes of Alex Jones and Catturd, let it be in the context of watching them pelt each other with feces till they’re both buried up to their fucking eyeballs.

We must protect the supply lines to this circular firing squad at any cost, my friends, because the impotent panic in Greg Gutfeld’s eyes as he begs his fashy daddies to stop fighting might just be the renewable energy source we need to power the 21st century.

I certainly wish Musk well in his quest to steer a Cybertruck into the Dotard’s Big, Bloated aBomination. Heck, half the House GOP has expressed regret for their support now that they’ve taken the time to actually read the goddamn thing.

They’re not mad about the 15 million Americans they’re stealing health insurance from, of course; that would require basic human decency. In fact, Senate Republicans’re trying to make the bill even more murdery (murderier?), eyeing cuts to Medicare in addition to Medicaid.

In the national security equivalent of making airplane noises to get a child to swallow a spoonful of peas, Tulsi Gabbard figures maybe she can trick her boss into paying attention to his job if she disguises the presidential daily briefing as a Fox Nooz broadcast. I feel like the 25th Amendment might be a more efficient solution here.

I see the travel ban is back, targeting a seemingly random list of countries this time. When it turns out t’be Nations Deemed Insufficiently Deferential During Tariff Negotiations, I’m sure we’ll all be very, very surprised. Anyway, since they’re resurrecting shitty ideas from the First Desecration, we should probably brace ourselves for the Mandatory Bleach Injections EO coming next week.

Well, gosh golly gee, turns out it was possible to bring Kilmar Abrego Garcia back to the United States after all; they just needed to cook up some bullshit trafficking charges first. To hear Pam Bondi tell it, Kilmar was MS-13’s Executive Vice President in Charge of Child Grooming, but maybe we can just skip to the part where somebody publishes the home address of the judge who throws your “case” out? Save a little time?

Just a heads-up, you will all be required to submit to regular polygraph testing until we can figure out who told Donnie Two Dolls about the Biden clonebot. Not much point in having a Deep State if you blabbermouths are gonna gossip about every world leader we replace with a robotic clone, IS THERE?

It is my sad duty to report that we, the libs, are now officially the legal property of Joni Ernst, following the sick tooth fairy burn she tacked onto her fake apology video. She even slid a little evangelizing in there, which I appreciated. If you’ve ever wondered, “Who would Jesus troll?” it’s “people who want health care,” apparently.

Volodymyr Zelensky generously introduced Ukraine’s revolutionary new trucking technology deep within Russia’s interior, and Putin didn’t even say thank you. Tsk tsk, what will JD Vance say?

Even with new atrocities reaching the headlines daily, the masked hordes of ICE have not yet been able to execute deportations in sufficient numbers to fill the fetid, throbbing, chasmal hole in Stephen Miller where the rest of us have a soul. So now we’re pulling law enforcement resources from actual crime fighting to harass Jerry Nadler’s staff, to frame innocent people for plotting assassinations, to hang around immigration courts looking for compliant families to rip apart. Why, it’s almost as though the cruelty is the whole point.

I’ve generally been opposed to the current administration’s efforts to shutter the Department of Education, but after this week’s Senate hearings, I’m calling for a total funding freeze until Secretary McMahon demonstrates the capacity to graduate from the fifth grade.

I hate to seem judgmental, but this whole kakistocracy thing doesn’t seem t’be working out. Could we really not find anybody to run FEMA who knew about hurricane season? That’s like hiring a Health and Human Services Secretary who doesn’t believe in germ theory or somethi-hang on, I’m being handed an update…

Shit, Lutnick’s gone so far off the rails, even ol’ Foghorn Kennedy’s calling him out. Sure, maybe Howard’ll have the last laugh once he’s overseen the reshoring of the banana factories, but I wouldn’t hold my breath.

And while I certainly appreciate the efforts of the courts in restraining these maniacs, I wonder if we shouldn’t just install childproof locks on all Cabinet department executive suites now that Homeland Security has taken to recruiting high-level terrorism officials from the Model U.N. circuit.

Pete Hegseth continued his subpar-whiteboy-supremacist-renaming-shit bender, this time stripping civil rights icon Harvey Milk’s name off a Navy ship, because how are warfighters supposed to warfight if they’re not 100% confident their boat is heterosexual?

Mary Miller may not know the difference between a Muslim and a Sikh, but she finds it “deeply troubling” that either should be allowed to pray in Congress, just in case you thought her “Hitler was right on one thing” speech was some kind of outlier.

Surprisingly, ticket sales at the Kennedy Center are way down since a certain short-fingered vulgarian appointed himself culture-maker in chief. Still, that Lee Greenwood rock opera adaptation of The Turner Diaries (book and lyrics by Seb Gorka) has been getting solid reviews out of town, so there’s still time to turn things around.

Look, maybe State Department official Darren “Competent white men must be in charge if you want things to work” Beattie didn’t dismantle that anti-Russian propaganda agency on account of his wife’s ties to the Kremlin. Maybe he was just covering up his Iran-Contra, But With Butt Plugs scheme. I say teach the controversy.

Seems one of Littlefinger’s tacky golf resorts earned a bunch of health code violations. Whatever. If a bunch of crypto grifters and Chinese spies wind up with food poisoning, I’m okay with that.

Despite her willingness to belch up the party line, Meghan McCain has long struggled to find a spot at the MAGA grift trough, likely owing to her status as the spawn of an anathema, but she has at long last procured the sponsorship of a supplement that claims to “detox” regretful recipients of the Covid vaccine. Look, if you trust Meghan McCain to sell you an un-vaccination pill, you don’t deserve money.

Mike Lindell’s latest MyDefamationTrial has, of course, been a somber, dignified affair, outside of the odd outburst about Satan stealing the 2020 election. Better hope Satan doesn’t call up Dominion for lawyer recs, Mike.

Okay, I’m gonna go have a Big Beautiful Beer. Or maybe six. If this lil’ diatribe brought you a chuckle or two, feel free to drop a couple bucks in my tip jar (now accepting Cash App, PayPal, and Venmo!), follow @john_luzar, or sign up on the email list at showercapblog.com. (And you should do that, since I’m finally, finally, FINALLY on the brink of announcing something I’ve been working on for a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time.)

Stay safe out there, chums…