Lotta big milestones for ascendant American autocracy this week. Uniformed military in the streets, opposition politicians in handcuffs…they grow up so fast, don’t they? Suddenly we’ve got a chubby, fascist toddler running amok, and we never quite got around to installing childproof locks on all the cabinets.

The “cabinets” here are our fundamental democratic institutions, if that was unclear. And while I could happily beat this metaphor to death for hours (there’s gotta be some way to thread “second term” with the terrible twos), we should probably just talk about the news.

So. Los Angeles. A little Reichstagier than I generally like things, to be honest.

Granted, I’m something of a libtard, but I’ve always preferred a government that builds schools and hospitals to one that manufactures and escalates conflicts with the populace. These thugs were so horny to see troops in our streets, they deployed them without bothering to arrange housing first. Too busy setting up the merch table at Fort Bragg, no doubt. Oddly enough, morale is down.

Anyhoo, every inch of LA surely woulda burned to cinders had the Dotard not deployed the mighty legions of Space Force, under the personal command of Dr. Phil, to battle the busloads of antifas who George Soros paid to wave Mexican flags around. Surely.

Why, rioting by United States Senators alone caused, like, so much damage, you guys. We won’t be safe till they’re all in irons. The Democratic ones, anyway. That’s what Jesse Watters told me, and I haven’t seen him that scared since that time he had soup.

Don’t act like Alex Padilla doesn’t understand perfectly well that it violates the Constitution plus at least 3.5 commandments to interrupt Kristi Noem while she’s ranting about using federal forces to “liberate” American citizens from their democratically elected government. If you don’t want to get tackled and detained by regime goons, don’t exercise your free speech rights, DUH.

Incidentally, if you bring any of that First Amendment crap to a certain cognitive test-passer’s $45 million birfday tank parade, expect to be “met with very heavy force.”

For protesting.

Personally, nothing puts me in a protesting mood quite like the President of the United States threatening his constituents with violence. You don’t have enough marines to shut us all up, dork.

I guess ABC News fires reporters for stating the obvious now. Look, I don’t want to nitpick anybody’s creeping authoritarian project, but if you’re planning on persecuting people for noticing Stephen Miller’s seething hatred for his fellow man, you’re, um, gonna need a bigger gulag.

One fun, unanticipated side effect of all this fashy fuckery: copycat brownshirts! Turns out, when masked law enforcement is the norm, a thirty-dollar investment at the local Spirit Halloween provides all the tools necessary to march in the front door, tie somebody up, and rob ‘em blind. Welcome to Donald Trump’s America, where we never stop finding new ways to suck.

The more the public learns about the Turd Reich’s massively regressive Bleak, Bloated Bill, the less they like it, demonstrating a frankly selfish preference for personal health over oligarch wealth. If you genuinely believe that extending your own filthy pleb taker life is more important than padding the DeVos family yachtcare budget, I don’t know what to say to you, other than I question your commitment to restoring American greatness.

Seems Lil’ Petey Hegseth has the Pentagon workin’ up “contingency plans” to invade Greenland and Panama. My advice to our erstwhile allies under threat: name as many things as you can after women, gay people, and minorities, especially on your borders; while he’s distracted with sputtering whiteboi rage, you’ll have plenty of time to read the battle plans on Signal.

Apparently, Pete sucks so hard, it’s been a struggle to find people who are willing to work for him. In the Pentagon. Not my field, obviously, but that’s gotta be the pinnacle, right? Like turning down a role in a Spielberg film.

“Would you like to work in the highest echelons of the most powerful military force in human history?”

“Is the paranoid manchild still in charge?”

“To which paranoid manchild are you referring?”

“The one who dresses like a 12-year-old and brings his wife, brother, and, for whatever reason, divorce lawyer to work? The one who shitcanned three top aides for reasons that remain unclear?”

“…yes, the paranoid manchild is still in charge.”

“Okay, well, I’ve got another offer. From Arby’s.”

“Oh, you should take it. By the way, are they, uh, hiring?”

Elon Musk furiously attempted to buy Hallmark just to shut it down when he discovered they don’t have a Sorry I Called You a Pedophile on the Social Media Platform I Own, I Was on a Ketamine Bender section, but he couldn’t figure out how, because he was on ketamine.

That said, WWE is in talks to add the Musk/Bessent rematch to this year’s SummerSlam card. The pitch allegedly involves recruiting Grimes as the special guest referee, plus every time Elon gains the upper hand, a different baby mama runs out to serve him with child support papers.

Apparently Tulsi Gabbard outsourced the screening of the JFK files for declassification to AI, which raises some downright wacky ethical issues. Under kakistocracy, maybe the only available variety of intelligence is artificial, y’know? Be honest, if you had to choose between Skynet and the current administration…you’d listen to Skynet’s pitch. Shit, if you wanna plug me into the Matrix until, say, 2028, you can leech all the bioelectricity you want. That’s a win-win.

Marco Rubio barely figured out why Zelensky refused his offer to go halvsies on a Happy Russia Day present for Pooty-Pie in time to send a card of his own, wishing the genocidal madman well, attaching a 100-ruble McDonald’s gift card, which would be enough to cover most of a straw were there any McDonald’s left in Russia, which…nope.

The Offal in the Oval announced plans to “wean” the nation off FEMA. To achieve the requisite reduction in natural disasters, he ordered Lutnick to impose across-the-board 75% tariffs on God and any affiliated angels, aiming to reduce what he calls our “weather deficit” with the almighty. I’m told a deal is expected within two weeks.

RFK Jr. uncovered a dastardly Deep State plot to pack the CDC’s Advisory Committee on Immunization Practices with, TRIGGER WARNING…doctors and scientists! People who think vaccines prevent disease and save lives! Can you imagine?

Why, not one single member of this committee believed the Covid vaccine was part of a massive conspiracy to “deindustrialize and depopulate the world.” Not one! We’re finally gonna replace the aborted fetus debris in our medicine with whale head juice, the way the good Lord intended.

Even though he’s working relentlessly to destroy my country, I confess I see where the Dotard is coming from on the “Don’t invite Rand Paul to my picnic” issue. Yes, it’s petty authoritarian shit, but I also believe in a fundamental human right to not spend leisure time with libertarians. It’s tricky.

With everything that’s going on in the Middle East right now, we sure are lucky to possess soft power assets like Voice of America’s Persian News Network. You’d have t’be damn near braindead to cut such a cost-effective progr…hang on, who’s that over there? I can’t make her out through the soft lighting, but she appears to be begging someone to come back to work.

Republican Mark Green announced his surprise retirement from Congress to take some mystery job he won’t reveal, possibly in Guyana? Fuck it, why not? Presumably he’ll show up at the end of season 7, leading an army of centaurs cloned from Hitler and Secretariat.

That one Capitol rioter is still trying to extend his presidential pardon to his kiddie porn charges, and Moms for Liberty favorite South Carolina state Rep. RJ May got caught with “265 child sex abuse videos,” and the leader of the whole dang GOP bought an entire teen beauty pageant just so he could barge into the dressing rooms to leer at underage girls, but Florida Republicans would have you believe it’s children’s literature by the likes of Judy Blume that amounts to “pornography.”

I try to keep things positive here in the ol’ blog, because I genuinely do believe one day we’ll emerge from this sewage pipe, Andy Dufresne-style. I’m an optimist. Most days. But watching Bret Baier rap would kill the hope in Fred Rogers’ heart.

In conclusion, NO KINGS…except maybe Budweiser, the admittedly mildly tyrannical King of Beers. Longtime readers will recognize this transition to the traditional last-paragraph Rattling of the Tip Jar (now accepting PayPal, Cash App, and Venmo!), which I have styled as a “beer fund,” in fitting with my lovably drunken internet loudmouth persona: Shower Cap. So toss in a couple bucks, follow @john_luzar, and sign up on the email list at showercapblog.com, or I shall become sad. And stay safe out there, chums…