A herd of rampaging dumpster fires stampeded up to the threshold of the United States House of Representatives, came to a full stop, and laughed, loudly, derisively, and for several hours at the spectacle they beheld within. Watching the House GOP attempt to govern the nation is like watching 221 monkeys fuck 217 footballs.

Following the ritual shanking of insufficiently batshit candidates Kevin McCarthy and Steve “David Duke Without the Ability to Count” Scalise, the feral assclowns of the Freedumb Caucus coalesced around Jim Jordan, as the greatest of all available evils. And wackiness ensued.

To the surprise and delight of naturalists the world over, Jordan’s nomination effected the emergence of a species long believed to be mythical: the legendary “Moderate Republican.” For once, the Bucks n’ Bacons of the world actually stood their ground a bit, proudly bellowing “Y’know what? Let’s stick to low-calorie fascism this time, I’m watching my weight!”

But Gym wasn’t about to walk away from this opportunity like it was some collegiate wrestler asking his coach to protect him from sexual abuse, nosireebob. Determined to pull out all the stops, he put on a jacket and…well, he was pretty much out of ideas after that.

Except for threats, of course. Anonymous threats, sent to spouses. Threats of violence. Death threats. Threats that necessitated law enforcement protection for Congressmen’s children.

That was Team Jordan’s entire plan, after last week’s humiliating defeat: let the dissenters spend a weekend stewing in the MAGA mob’s rage, figuring the specter of the next hammer-wielding psycho turning up on their doorstep would be enough to ensure subservience.

Which is, y’know…fascism. That’s how fascists solve problems like “the majority of people don’t want me to be in charge.”

And it didn’t work, (this time) thank all the gods in all the heavens. Instead, we were treated to a weeklong episode of the Jim Jordan Tries and Fails to Get His Balls Unstuck From His Zipper Show, which, it turns out, is like the C-SPAN version of Shark Week. A laugh-a-minute thrill ride. Highly recommended.

The tentpoles, of course, were the floor votes, which Jordan lost by increasing margins. He briefly floated a “plan” that would’ve permitted him to cling to his precious “Speaker designate” tiara until January, which proved as successful as every other endeavor from his accomplishment-free, sixteen-year congressional career.

Ultimately, Gymbo’s dreams of joining the presidential line of succession died in a closed-door meeting, where the anonymity granted by a secret ballot enabled the Kowardly Kakistocrat Kaucus to complete their latest defenestration free from any hammer-related fears.

Anyway, the Speaker Games resume next Tuesday. Announced or rumored candidates include Tom Emmer, Byron Donalds, Harvey Dent, Pete Sessions, Humbert Humbert, Kevin Hern, Jack Bergman, James Woods, Jodey Arrington, A Teddy Ruxpin Doll Containing a Recording of Strom Thurmond Yelling at a Hispanic Waitress, Mark Green, and the guy Lauren Boebert jacked off at Beetlejuice.

Meanwhile, McCarthy has holed up in the Speaker’s office, claiming to have amassed a sufficient stash of fun-size 3 Musketeers to wait out any potential government shutdown, insisting the nougat-based diet “only increases (his) already formidable powers.”

The kraken has been RELEASED…on probation! Yes, Sidney Powell confessed to her role in the plot to curb-stomp American democracy, and will testify against her co-conspirators at future trials. Unless the Dotard wins next November, in which case she shall be appointed Attorney General, or at the very least granted the opportunity to win the post from Jeffrey Clark via trial by combat.

In the kraken’s wake, autogolpe architect Kenneth Chesebro took a plea deal of his own, and it turns out my love language is traitors pleading guilty to felonies.

Joining Sidney and Ken ‘neath the Consequences Fairy’s paddle are Michigan fake elector James Renner, Capitol rioter Rachel Marie Powell, and Twitter troll/election fraudster Douglass Mackey. While I’m sure the fucking around part was more enjoyable for you creeps than the finding out part, know that my own personal experience of your respective journeys has been more or less the opposite. I don’t know if that’s any consolation. Kinda hope it’s not.

As for Off-Brand Orbán, he passes his days accumulating and violating gag orders, breaking up the monotony of endless trials and depositions by shitting on the armed forces, (he described U.S. military officials as “some of the dumbest people I’ve ever met in my life,” which I think can only be viewed as evidence that he clandestinely appointed Junior n’ Eric to the National Security Council) and finally coming clean about who’s really been eating all those babies.

The seeds of stochastic terrorism once again bore fruit, as a wingnut radio-addled Illinois landlord stabbed a 6-year-old Palestinian-American boy to death, while critically wounding his mother. I guess you have to just hope you’re not within knife/nail gun/AR-15 range of any of these shitbags when they finally snap, huh?

Iowa’s schoolchildren have been successfully protected from the corrupting influence of literary masterpieces like 1984, Brave New World, and Slaughterhouse-Five, with their frankly satanic references to the regrettable truth that human beings do sex sometimes. Now let’s get to work filling up that suddenly available shelf space with shiny, new copies of The Turner Diaries, The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, and other, similarly wholesome fare!

Speaking of righteous crusades against heathen liberalism, in Arkansas, Sarah Huckleberry Slanders banned “woke” terms like “womxn,” “birth-giver,” and “why have you been doctoring public records, Governor?”

Let’s see, what else is going on in conservative politics? Major Republican Donor Who Called Barack Obama the N-Word Dies After Attempting to Kill His Wife In Murder-Suicide Gone Awry…I think that one stands up without further comment from me.

I suppose we should check in with Dale at the Is Tommy Tuberville Still Prattling On About Poetry in the Military Desk. Hey Dale, is Tommy Tuberville still prattling on about poetry in the military?

Dale at the Is Tommy Tuberville Still Prattling On About Poetry in the Military Desk: Yup.

Figured as much. Thanks Dale, talk soon!

Seems Harlan Crow still had enough money left over after bankrolling Clarence Thomas’ extravagant lifestyle and amassing a collection of Adolf Hitler’s paintings to deposit the maximum legal contribution into Cornel West’s campaign account. I guess when you believe in socialism n’ equality as much as Harlan does, you budget accordingly.

Dark Brandon established a beachhead in enemy territory, not only launching a profile on Truth Social after distracting CEO Devin Nunes with a comely Holstein heifer, but swiftly amassing more followers than Inmate P01135809 himself. Beating Donald Trump like a drum: it’s just what Joe Biden does.

Joe’s been keeping pretty busy, actually, delivering killer speeches, getting hostages released, and generally leading the free world while the domestic opposition self-immolates, but he still finds time to send thoughtful little surprises to his colleagues in the international community. Hope you enjoyed the ATACMS, Pooty-Poo!

Anyway, a big, fat, sloppy shout-out to the voters of Poland, for delivering a desperately needed W in the global battle against authoritarian fuckheadery. If any of y’all wanna swing by to give seminars, you can crash on my couch. The pizza rolls and Ninja Turtle fruit snacks are off-limits, obviously.

Lordy. Well, at any rate, Jim Jordan will not be Speaker of the House, and I will drink to that. I will drink to that for several days consecutively, in fact. The ol’ beer fridge will surely require a restock, especially if I’m to get through whatever nonsense the coming week brings, though you can always support the blog for free by joining the email list, or following @john_luzar on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter. Stay safe out there, my friend; may you live to see the day the U.S. government starts functioning again…