Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Jim Jordan is the Michael Jordan of Not Getting Elected Speaker
A herd of rampaging dumpster fires stampeded up to the threshold of the United States House of Representatives, came to a full stop, and laughed, loudly, derisively, and for several hours at the spectacle they beheld within. Watching the House GOP attempt to govern the nation is like watching 221 monkeys fuck 217 footballs.
Following the ritual shanking of insufficiently batshit candidates Kevin McCarthy and Steve “David Duke Without the Ability to Count” Scalise, the feral assclowns of the Freedumb Caucus coalesced around Jim Jordan, as the greatest of all available evils. And wackiness ensued.
To the surprise and delight of naturalists the world over, Jordan’s nomination effected the emergence of a species long believed to be mythical: the legendary “Moderate Republican.” For once, the Bucks n’ Bacons of the world actually stood their ground a bit, proudly bellowing “Y’know what? Let’s stick to low-calorie fascism this time, I’m watching my weight!”
But Gym wasn’t about to walk away from this opportunity like it was some collegiate wrestler asking his coach to protect him from sexual abuse, nosireebob. Determined to pull out all the stops, he put on a jacket and…well, he was pretty much out of ideas after that.
Except for threats, of course. Anonymous threats, sent to spouses. Threats of violence. Death threats. Threats that necessitated law enforcement protection for Congressmen’s children.
That was Team Jordan’s entire plan, after last week’s humiliating defeat: let the dissenters spend a weekend stewing in the MAGA mob’s rage, figuring the specter of the next hammer-wielding psycho turning up on their doorstep would be enough to ensure subservience.
Which is, y’know…fascism. That’s how fascists solve problems like “the majority of people don’t want me to be in charge.”
And it didn’t work, (this time) thank all the gods in all the heavens. Instead, we were treated to a weeklong episode of the Jim Jordan Tries and Fails to Get His Balls Unstuck From His Zipper Show, which, it turns out, is like the C-SPAN version of Shark Week. A laugh-a-minute thrill ride. Highly recommended.
The tentpoles, of course, were the floor votes, which Jordan lost by increasing margins. He briefly floated a “plan” that would’ve permitted him to cling to his precious “Speaker designate” tiara until January, which proved as successful as every other endeavor from his accomplishment-free, sixteen-year congressional career.
Ultimately, Gymbo’s dreams of joining the presidential line of succession died in a closed-door meeting, where the anonymity granted by a secret ballot enabled the Kowardly Kakistocrat Kaucus to complete their latest defenestration free from any hammer-related fears.
Anyway, the Speaker Games resume next Tuesday. Announced or rumored candidates include Tom Emmer, Byron Donalds, Harvey Dent, Pete Sessions, Humbert Humbert, Kevin Hern, Jack Bergman, James Woods, Jodey Arrington, A Teddy Ruxpin Doll Containing a Recording of Strom Thurmond Yelling at a Hispanic Waitress, Mark Green, and the guy Lauren Boebert jacked off at Beetlejuice.
Meanwhile, McCarthy has holed up in the Speaker’s office, claiming to have amassed a sufficient stash of fun-size 3 Musketeers to wait out any potential government shutdown, insisting the nougat-based diet “only increases (his) already formidable powers.”
The kraken has been RELEASED…on probation! Yes, Sidney Powell confessed to her role in the plot to curb-stomp American democracy, and will testify against her co-conspirators at future trials. Unless the Dotard wins next November, in which case she shall be appointed Attorney General, or at the very least granted the opportunity to win the post from Jeffrey Clark via trial by combat.
In the kraken’s wake, autogolpe architect Kenneth Chesebro took a plea deal of his own, and it turns out my love language is traitors pleading guilty to felonies.
Joining Sidney and Ken ‘neath the Consequences Fairy’s paddle are Michigan fake elector James Renner, Capitol rioter Rachel Marie Powell, and Twitter troll/election fraudster Douglass Mackey. While I’m sure the fucking around part was more enjoyable for you creeps than the finding out part, know that my own personal experience of your respective journeys has been more or less the opposite. I don’t know if that’s any consolation. Kinda hope it’s not.
As for Off-Brand Orbán, he passes his days accumulating and violating gag orders, breaking up the monotony of endless trials and depositions by shitting on the armed forces, (he described U.S. military officials as “some of the dumbest people I’ve ever met in my life,” which I think can only be viewed as evidence that he clandestinely appointed Junior n’ Eric to the National Security Council) and finally coming clean about who’s really been eating all those babies.
The seeds of stochastic terrorism once again bore fruit, as a wingnut radio-addled Illinois landlord stabbed a 6-year-old Palestinian-American boy to death, while critically wounding his mother. I guess you have to just hope you’re not within knife/nail gun/AR-15 range of any of these shitbags when they finally snap, huh?
Iowa’s schoolchildren have been successfully protected from the corrupting influence of literary masterpieces like 1984, Brave New World, and Slaughterhouse-Five, with their frankly satanic references to the regrettable truth that human beings do sex sometimes. Now let’s get to work filling up that suddenly available shelf space with shiny, new copies of The Turner Diaries, The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, and other, similarly wholesome fare!
Speaking of righteous crusades against heathen liberalism, in Arkansas, Sarah Huckleberry Slanders banned “woke” terms like “womxn,” “birth-giver,” and “why have you been doctoring public records, Governor?”
Let’s see, what else is going on in conservative politics? Major Republican Donor Who Called Barack Obama the N-Word Dies After Attempting to Kill His Wife In Murder-Suicide Gone Awry…I think that one stands up without further comment from me.
I suppose we should check in with Dale at the Is Tommy Tuberville Still Prattling On About Poetry in the Military Desk. Hey Dale, is Tommy Tuberville still prattling on about poetry in the military?
Dale at the Is Tommy Tuberville Still Prattling On About Poetry in the Military Desk: Yup.
Figured as much. Thanks Dale, talk soon!
Seems Harlan Crow still had enough money left over after bankrolling Clarence Thomas’ extravagant lifestyle and amassing a collection of Adolf Hitler’s paintings to deposit the maximum legal contribution into Cornel West’s campaign account. I guess when you believe in socialism n’ equality as much as Harlan does, you budget accordingly.
Dark Brandon established a beachhead in enemy territory, not only launching a profile on Truth Social after distracting CEO Devin Nunes with a comely Holstein heifer, but swiftly amassing more followers than Inmate P01135809 himself. Beating Donald Trump like a drum: it’s just what Joe Biden does.
Joe’s been keeping pretty busy, actually, delivering killer speeches, getting hostages released, and generally leading the free world while the domestic opposition self-immolates, but he still finds time to send thoughtful little surprises to his colleagues in the international community. Hope you enjoyed the ATACMS, Pooty-Poo!
Anyway, a big, fat, sloppy shout-out to the voters of Poland, for delivering a desperately needed W in the global battle against authoritarian fuckheadery. If any of y’all wanna swing by to give seminars, you can crash on my couch. The pizza rolls and Ninja Turtle fruit snacks are off-limits, obviously.
Lordy. Well, at any rate, Jim Jordan will not be Speaker of the House, and I will drink to that. I will drink to that for several days consecutively, in fact. The ol’ beer fridge will surely require a restock, especially if I’m to get through whatever nonsense the coming week brings, though you can always support the blog for free by joining the email list, or following @john_luzar on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter. Stay safe out there, my friend; may you live to see the day the U.S. government starts functioning again…