- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Congratulations, Speaker Scal- Excuse Me, Speaker Jord- Y’know What? Screw It.
Boy, we really covered ourselves in glory this week, didn’t we? As a species? Hey evolution, if you’re listening, next time ‘round, let the sense of right and wrong simmer a little longer, before you start distributing opposable thumbs.
Not since she swapped her family name for a fleeting sniff of power has RNC Chairdolt Ronna Definitelynotromney seen such a “great opportunity” as the one presented by Hamas’ barbaric terrorist incursion into Israel. I suppose that’s just the sort of thing one says once the moral decay finally rots out the last remaining corner of one’s soul.
Republicans certainly seized the “opportunity,” giddily spreading lies like “It took Biden days to say he stands with Israel,” and “Biden personally delivered $6 billion in unmarked bills to Gaza in a ‘76 Camaro.” Wingnut media spent one particularly fruitful afternoon collectively pretending the White House calling a “lid” meant “Joe n’ Hunter got an 8 ball and rented all the Police Academy movies while the world burned.”
If you’re trying to figure out what’s actually going on in the world, stay the fuck off (the hellsite formerly known as) Twitter, now that the world’s second-most-destructive billionaire narcissist has transformed the once essential source of up-to-the-moment, on the ground news into an unnavigable quagmire of malignant misinformation.
Elon himself elected to steer his 160 million followers to known liars and anti-Semites, which he has instructed his lawyers to blame on the ADL.
Seems like a particularly healthy time for Texas Republicans to grapple with the not-at-all-difficult question of whether or not it is desirable to associate with, accept political donations from, and/or plan miniature golf outings alongside white supremacists.
Actually, Republicans’re flunking this extremely basic test of fundamental human decency all over the place, as demonstrated by the following roundup of totally normal, exceptionally healthy, not-at-all-terrifying headlines:
White supremacist group delivers show of force for Franklin mayoral candidate Gabrielle Hanson
Charlie Kirk hosts white nationalist writer Steve Sailer to attack minorities
Ex-Trump official called for purging Jews from media using pseudonym
And my personal favorite:
Trump Doral event with Eric Trump will feature a Hitler-promoting antisemite who killed someone
Now, as a general rule, I don’t like to shit on the Left here, but I need to take a minute to shit on the Left here, because many of the self-proclaimed progessivest progressives in all the land decided to climb atop the highest of horses to declare that Murdering Children is Good, Actually, Because Colonization or Some Shit, and Anyway How Many Children’re We Really Talking About Here, which is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad take. Y’all can cleanse the entire length of my colon with your paraglider memes.
Praising terrorists looks like lonely work, (as it fucking well should be) but you little creeps can cuddle up under the covers with your new bedfellow: Donald J. Trump, who agreed that Hamas and Hezbollah are “very smart,” in between rants about whale-killing windmills and Hannibal Lecter’s endorsement. You deserve each other.
Emotionally unstable freshman GOP Congressthug Derrick Van Orden directed his latest ragegasm at Biden Administration Israel briefers, rather than teenagers, as has been his habit, which I guess is what passes for growth in MAGA culture.
In such batguano-encrusted times, one thing that sure would come in handy is a Congress capable of passing laws or confirming appointments or other such Congressy things, but alas, there’re far too many Republicans for that.
Yes, it’s SpeakerBowl 2023: Part Deux in the House That Gaetz Broke, and while this boondoggle certainly would’ve been plenty insufferable even without Nancy Mace triggering flashbacks of mandatory high school Hawthorne, you have to respect her devotion to traditional Republican self-beclowning rituals.
Steve “David Duke without the whip count” Scalise defeated Gym Jordan on the initial closed-door secret ballot, which might’ve meant something in a culture less devoted to the principle of loser supremacy. Jordan dead-enders found Scalise’s history with white supremacists enticing, but ultimately decided only an election-denying, subpoena-defying abuse enabler would do, so Steve scampered away without putting up a fight. Leadership!
Jordan narrowly edged late entrant Congressman Alreadyforgothisname (R-Someplace, surely) in a second round of voting on Friday afternoon, only to faceplant on the follow-up ballot, where he asked his colleagues to please, please refrain from doing to him what he just did Scalise, falling a whopping 65 votes short of the 217 required to win a majority on the House floor, which is frankly the most encouraging news to come out of the GOP since Arlen Specter switched parties.
Anyway, they’ve gone home for the weekend, to plot against one another, and maybe flip through The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Running a Congressional Majority…those that can read, anyhow.
(Meanwhile, Kevin McCarthy lurks in the background, holding a half-eaten box of stale Valentine’s chocolates, upon which he has scribbled “Settle 4 Me Maybe?”)
Apparent baby thief George Santos landed himself a superseding indictment, and now faces a nearly Trumpworthy 23 federal counts, including wire fraud, access device fraud, sweater fraud, falsifying records, the illegal transfer of delicious breakfast cereal to the Trix Rabbit, identity theft, and conspiring with Nicolas Cage to steal the Declaration of Independence. A few New York Republicans finally introduced a resolution to expel the little twerp, but his party’s more likely to approve one allowing members to complete their terms from prison.
Speaking of superseding indictments, seems soon-to-be-ex-New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez operated as an unregistered agent of the Egyptian government while chairing the Foreign Relations Committee. Allegedly. Unlike in certain political parties I could mention, it appears Bob’s (alleged) crimes’re having a negative impact on his future political prospects. What a concept!
In Arkansas, Lecterngate continues to pick up steam, amidst rumors the podium in question once briefly served as a temporary resting spot for a public library copy of Gender Queer.
Well, after his blathering quackery failed to gain traction in the non-death cult party’s primary, RFK Jr. dropped out to run as an independent, and suddenly all the right-wing ratfuckers realized a Jill Stein, But For Anti-Vaxxers option on the ballot would only divide the coalition of the deranged, so out came the knives. I woulda stopped creating Frankensteins after the first one, fellas, but that’s just me.
Condolences to all the Hurdamaniacs out there who won’t get to coquettishly bat their eyes at the precinct captains from the Haley and Burgum campaigns during the Iowa caucuses. That would’ve been a really special night for all seven of you.
So, yeah…it’s pretty fucking gross out there, and I hope you and your loved ones figure out some way to stay safe n’ sane. If yer so inclined, you can support these rants by signing up on the email list, following @john_luzar, or contributing a brew or two to the ol’ beer fridge. No worries either way. Go think about something else for a few days, you deserve it.
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
You write some seriously funny stuff, but yes, in a 100 years they will look at these times as a history collection of tall tales!!
They wouldn’t pass a sniff test at Ripley’s:)
BUTTHOLE BUFFET?! YES!
Gabby Haynes and Paul Leary have surfed that buffet!
Wow!
Best one yet Cap!
You squeegeed out all the rage I feel right now and made my egg carton abs hurt with laughter all in the same paragraphs.
Egg carton abs??? OMG After all the laughter above this is icing on the cake! Thank you
!
Wasn’t Gym Jokèdank in on the Seditious planning to overthrow America’s government with tump and gang? Then how could he be Speaker of the House or a Congress Critter because our Constitution prohibites Seditious from serving in our government?
Asheville NC: STOP sign: glitterati chartreuse super glued to main very tall STOP: REPUBLICAN CHAOS. Last week someone quickly peeled off chartreuse complaint. Let’s see what happens. I’ve loaded up on Elmer’s glue, chartreuse colored poster paper& red glitter. Don’t take me alive sez Steely Dan. Soon to come: Black Mtn dwn the road wher Patric mchenry is congressperson posing as Chair & then over to Hendersonville NC —Mark Meadows & slack ass Madison Cawthorn stomping grounds . Worthless mofos if there ever were. Patrick McHenry. WTF dude.
The GOP truly is a bottomless pit. Every time I stupidly think that they just can’t get much worse, they get much worse. I guess they won’t have reached their “full potential” until they have achieved full Third Reich glory. I’d say God help us, but if there is a God watching us from somewhere I’m betting she has already written humanity off as a lost cause.
There are some weeks when finding humor anywhere in the news is more than a stretch; it seems we’ve had about 364 of those in a row since dealing with Trump every day for going on eight years now, but you’re always a palate cleanse, Cap. Thanks for your take on the latest atrocities. 🍺
Love the Laurel and Hardy reference in the photo. Two of the greatest comedians ever!
Oh my god…”before you start distributing opposable thumbs”….”a veritable butthole buffet”,
The first few lines are priceless!
Thanks, Cap. You always manage to enlighten and entertain at the same time.
I have a suggestion for speaker. How about Liz Cheney? Her actual politics are right of Margret Thatcher. If in fact, there are still moderate R’s.. you would think they would dig it. Dems love her for Trump thumping. That just leaves the Maga Rats, who aren’t going to vote for anyone anyway. What the hell, Liz probably doesn’t have anything to do except murder innocent animals with Daddy Darth. I can see her running that joint like a third-grade classroom, (pretty apt description for that bunch) knuckle ruler, fanny paddler and all. Whadaya think? I’m crazy.?
Good to have you back, Cap. But you know, bat guano is actually very useful stuff.
At the risk of being crucified by you and others who apparently believe having concerns about the upcoming slaughter of Palestinians in Gaza somehow makes me a monster, let me be clear. I think Hamas’s attack was monstrous, indefensible, and a crime against humanity. But I don’t see how wiping out Palestinian children in retaliation for the attack is less evil. Make it make sense, please. And I bitterly resent being lumped in with Trump and his ilk because I don’t see the upside of slaughter in return for slaughter.
I do not support Hamas and never have. Hamas’s slaughter of Israelis, including small children and babies, is indefensible However, we don’t blame Italy for the mafia, the Southern US states for the KKK – Palestinians were not responsible for this. Treatment of Palestinians has resulted in widespread protest through out the world. Cutting off electricity and fuel, lack of food, destruction of large parts of a city… how many Palestinians completely innocent of any involvement in this, have died? Hamas must have known the consequence of slitting babies” throats and killing children. Is this reaction of Israeli what Hamas actually wanted?