Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Joe Biden’s Late-Term Abortion of Bipartisanship, & Other Tales of Terror
After a brutal quarantine winter, I’m sure you’ll agree this week’s thaw has been most welcome. Actually, I found something really weird out on the back porch, once all the ice and snow had melted away. I almost didn’t recognize it at first, but I think it’s…whaddya call it…I wanna say, “hope?” Is that a real word? Feels kinda familiar.
Longtime readers are used to finding bad news in this space, here at the top of the ol’ Shower Cap Blog post, but we’re not doin’ that tonight, because YOUR Democratic Party, the team you fought so long and so hard to install, did a good, good thing. Passed a little stimulus bill, you may’ve heard about it. One point nine trillion dollars’ worth of much-needed relief for our weary nation. $1400 direct payments, already arriving in some bank accounts, snug as a bug in a rug. Obamacare subsidies. Childhood poverty cut in half. A bonafide goody bag for anyone who cares about alleviating human suffering. Naturally, Republicans are furious.
Every congressional Republican, in both houses, opposed the bill, out of a firm ideological commitment to the belief that the millions of Americans who suffered for months under their party’s murderous mismanagement of the pandemic should go fuck themselves with curling irons, eat their weight in buffalo shit, and compose a Shakespearian sonnet thanking Mitch McConnell personally for the privilege. And yet somehow these clods are baffled they’re losing the messaging war.
The bill is so popular, Republicans don’t know whether to shit or go blind. They tried everything in their dirtbag plutocrat playbook. They offered to gut the bill in exchange for votes they’d never actually deliver, that old chestnut. They whinged disingenuously about the deficit. Shit, they even tried rubbing sheep’s blood all over their naked bodies and shrieking about a potato-shaped toy for a week and a half, but alas, it turns out the American people prefer not suffering to suffering, the filthy takers.
Celebrity Medicare fraudster/Florida Senator Rick Scott, bless his pus-pumping, reptilian heart, actually wants state governments to reject and return the aid, and I confess I’d quite like to watch, say, Ron DeSantis run for re-election on a “bravely and principledly refused to allow the fire department to extinguish the blaze consuming your home” platform. I was enjoying a chuckle at how weird and bad and generally anti-life, in a Darkseid kinda way, Rick’s little idea here is, but then I remembered he’s a Senator, and it doesn’t seem so funny now.
‘Course, then there’s Roger Wicker, who didn’t even wait for the peasant blood he dips his old-timey fountain pen in to dry on his Hell No vote before skipping merrily out to take credit for the assistance Mississippi was about to receive in spite of his vociferous opposition. Honestly? I’m so accustomed to Republican shamelessness manifesting as either authoritarian encroachment on constitutional democracy or naked incitement of white supremacist violence that I’m inclined to let Rog off with a rap on the knuckles here, but, y’know…use a ruler, certainly.
So yeah. Great big bill, massive amounts of good achieved, promises kept, overdue relief delivered, so on and so forth. Not that you’d know it, from the response in certain predictable corners of the political media.
Everybody loves the bill, Republicans, Democrats, Independents, because people need the dang help, y’know, and the take is not LYING BIDEN EMPTIES A CLIP INTO BIPARTISANSHIP’S UNSUSPECTING HEAD EXECUTION STYLE, IMMEDIATELY FUCKS ITS SKULL, it’s “the institutional Republican Party, partially out of fealty to shitty economic ideas that have failed more than the Cleveland Browns fused with the Washington Generals like in The Fly and definitely the Cronenberg version by the way; and partially just cuz they’re a death cult now, has decided that after careful consideration, they would honestly prefer not to help the American people during this time of multiple crises, several of which they created with their very own blood-stained hands.”
Democrats wanted to help people, Republicans adamantly refused; what compromise was even possible? “Ok, shave a trillion five off the total plus Tom Cotton gets to strangle a puppy on the Senate floor, and Lisa Murkowski will give you one vote you don’t need?” Just because your party got taken over by a pathological sucker doesn’t mean we’re obliged to pretend we’re idiots.
Anyhow, the GOP got so mad the stupid new government acts like poor people’s lives matter that they stomped back to their state-level parties and got straight to work taking away their constituents’ right to vote.
Obviously, the problem here is that citizens were allowed to fire Republicans JUST BECAUSE they lost control of the coronavirus, killed hundreds of thousands of us, crashed the economy, and stood idly by while a game show host on an Adderall bender attempted to install himself as dictator for life. In fairness, I can see where folks that’re that catastrophically awful at governing would want to remove accountability from the equation, when it comes to the acquisition of power.
In Arizona, introspective Republicans reacted to their recent statewide defeats by offering up a bold new platform to win back voters with popular policies designed to solve problems and improve lives JUST KIDDING they introduced two dozen different bills limiting voting rights. One would almost appreciate the honesty of state Representative John Kavanaugh’s sneering insistence that Dem voters are simply of lower “quality” than Real Muricans like himself, were it not, y’know, brazen white supremacy.
Meanwhile, Iowa Governor Kim Reynolds signed the nation’s very first post-2020 voter suppression bill into law, earning first pick at the next RGA shindig, when it comes time to hunt the waitstaff for sport.
Seems even half a million graves aren’t enough to stop wingnut politicians from throwing deranged little mask-burning parties, in Idaho this time, where the loons went so far as to publicly revel in their successful corruption of their poor children’s minds. How are these clowns still throwing this tantrum, after a year of suffering and death? It’s like being a volcano truther when you’re chin-deep in magma.
Aspiring would-be Führer Madison Cawthorn apparently made a video of himself punching the crap out of some dinky, rotting tree, and I encourage y’all to take a second to contemplate the psychology at work there. Seriously. Stop reading, get yourself a fresh beer, and really sit with that shit for a bit. There is no healthy path to the activity captured in that video, and I really don’t think it’s safe to let the same brain that arrives at profoundly creepy decisions like “let’s go on a Hitler vacation” or “now I shall record myself beating up a dead tree” make laws for the rest of us.
Meanwhile, the Republican Party finds itself on the brink of open grifter civil war. Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot, demonstrating a genuinely impressive ignorance of the country’s laws for a dude who was President for four fucking years, sent a cease-and-desist notice to the RNC, demanding they stop using his loathsome name and pinched-butthole-mouthed likeness in fundraising appeals, because he desperately needs all the change from every sofa cushion and swear jar in MAGA nation just pay his legal bills. Fight forever, you evil fucks.
Roy Blunt became the latest GOP incumbent to proclaim Fuck No I’m Not Sticking Around to Deal With the Consequences of My Craven Appeasement of American Fascism, announcing his imminent resettlement from the United States Senate to history’s dustbin. I’m told Messrs. Blunt, Portman, Shelby, Toomey, and Burr plan to launch a think tank together, the Neville Chamberlain Foundation, to train and advise the next generation of enabling conservative cowards.
He may no longer wield the power of the American presidency, or even his own Twitter account, but the Velveeta Vulgarian remains undiminished in one field, which he is likely to stand astride, a lone Colossus, until the fucking sun goes dark: losing in court. This time it was his campaign’s defamation suit against the Failing New York Times that got thrown out, a reminder that during his time in office, he worked harder to destroy the First Amendment than the coronavirus.
We don’t hear from him much anymore, (I guess even God can’t ignore a prayer when it comes from everyone alive every single day for four years) so it was extra satisfying when Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops popped up just to issue that sad, cringingly desperate statement, attempting to take credit for the Biden Administration’s vaccine successes. Like, I get the blind devotion thing, I just never understood how they made it work with the most pathetic man alive. I guess I always figured those folks who truly desire the rule of a strongman would seek out, I dunno…strength? Obviously pulsating globs of unbridled insecurity are where it’s really at; expect all future cults to be headed by acne-scarred eighth grade boys with braces.
Tucker Carlson, who I’m told is viewed as something of a paragon of masculinity in an alternate dimension where the dominant life form is a race of semi-sentient pork dumplings, threw a screechy little shitfit about how the military is just one big tea party full of sissies n’ cucks on account of the way they let GIRLS in nowadays, and even allow them to boss the menfolk around, in defiance of whatever inbred hillbilly god Tucker erroneously believes anointed him Archbishop of Manhood.
This earned Carlson, Time Magazine’s “Softest Boy Alive” for eleven years running, a series of public rebukes from the sorts of folks who actually risk their lives defending this country while some people stay home, comfortably ordering designer sex dolls with mommy and daddy’s fish stixx money. As an Illinois resident, I was particularly proud of the way my Senator, Purple Heart recipient Tammy Duckworth, stomped all over Liar Tuck’s pompous, sickly ballsack.
I see Government Cheese Goebbels’ own (acting) Defense Secretary, Chris Miller, made the entirely uncontroversial statement that his old boss incited the January 6th Capitol riot, which made headline news, because arguing about whether or not things the whole world witnessed actually happened is something we do now, in our extremely healthy modern society.
Exhausting as all this bullshit is, Biden, Harris, and the rest of the gang just keep on delivering fabulous news and sweet, sexxxxy competence. Now they’re saying vaccines will be available to every American adult by May 1st, and as far as I can tell, nobody’s asked us to inject bleach into a single orifice.
Goods news at the start AND the finish? I better quit before we learn Congressman Gohmert pissed in the vaccine supply, making regressing to Louie’s right-around-armadillo-level IQ the price of immunity. Good luck in the queues, my friends; stay safe out there!