- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Joe Biden’s Late-Term Abortion of Bipartisanship, & Other Tales of Terror
After a brutal quarantine winter, I’m sure you’ll agree this week’s thaw has been most welcome. Actually, I found something really weird out on the back porch, once all the ice and snow had melted away. I almost didn’t recognize it at first, but I think it’s…whaddya call it…I wanna say, “hope?” Is that a real word? Feels kinda familiar.
Longtime readers are used to finding bad news in this space, here at the top of the ol’ Shower Cap Blog post, but we’re not doin’ that tonight, because YOUR Democratic Party, the team you fought so long and so hard to install, did a good, good thing. Passed a little stimulus bill, you may’ve heard about it. One point nine trillion dollars’ worth of much-needed relief for our weary nation. $1400 direct payments, already arriving in some bank accounts, snug as a bug in a rug. Obamacare subsidies. Childhood poverty cut in half. A bonafide goody bag for anyone who cares about alleviating human suffering. Naturally, Republicans are furious.
Every congressional Republican, in both houses, opposed the bill, out of a firm ideological commitment to the belief that the millions of Americans who suffered for months under their party’s murderous mismanagement of the pandemic should go fuck themselves with curling irons, eat their weight in buffalo shit, and compose a Shakespearian sonnet thanking Mitch McConnell personally for the privilege. And yet somehow these clods are baffled they’re losing the messaging war.
The bill is so popular, Republicans don’t know whether to shit or go blind. They tried everything in their dirtbag plutocrat playbook. They offered to gut the bill in exchange for votes they’d never actually deliver, that old chestnut. They whinged disingenuously about the deficit. Shit, they even tried rubbing sheep’s blood all over their naked bodies and shrieking about a potato-shaped toy for a week and a half, but alas, it turns out the American people prefer not suffering to suffering, the filthy takers.
Celebrity Medicare fraudster/Florida Senator Rick Scott, bless his pus-pumping, reptilian heart, actually wants state governments to reject and return the aid, and I confess I’d quite like to watch, say, Ron DeSantis run for re-election on a “bravely and principledly refused to allow the fire department to extinguish the blaze consuming your home” platform. I was enjoying a chuckle at how weird and bad and generally anti-life, in a Darkseid kinda way, Rick’s little idea here is, but then I remembered he’s a Senator, and it doesn’t seem so funny now.
‘Course, then there’s Roger Wicker, who didn’t even wait for the peasant blood he dips his old-timey fountain pen in to dry on his Hell No vote before skipping merrily out to take credit for the assistance Mississippi was about to receive in spite of his vociferous opposition. Honestly? I’m so accustomed to Republican shamelessness manifesting as either authoritarian encroachment on constitutional democracy or naked incitement of white supremacist violence that I’m inclined to let Rog off with a rap on the knuckles here, but, y’know…use a ruler, certainly.
So yeah. Great big bill, massive amounts of good achieved, promises kept, overdue relief delivered, so on and so forth. Not that you’d know it, from the response in certain predictable corners of the political media.
Everybody loves the bill, Republicans, Democrats, Independents, because people need the dang help, y’know, and the take is not LYING BIDEN EMPTIES A CLIP INTO BIPARTISANSHIP’S UNSUSPECTING HEAD EXECUTION STYLE, IMMEDIATELY FUCKS ITS SKULL, it’s “the institutional Republican Party, partially out of fealty to shitty economic ideas that have failed more than the Cleveland Browns fused with the Washington Generals like in The Fly and definitely the Cronenberg version by the way; and partially just cuz they’re a death cult now, has decided that after careful consideration, they would honestly prefer not to help the American people during this time of multiple crises, several of which they created with their very own blood-stained hands.”
Democrats wanted to help people, Republicans adamantly refused; what compromise was even possible? “Ok, shave a trillion five off the total plus Tom Cotton gets to strangle a puppy on the Senate floor, and Lisa Murkowski will give you one vote you don’t need?” Just because your party got taken over by a pathological sucker doesn’t mean we’re obliged to pretend we’re idiots.
Anyhow, the GOP got so mad the stupid new government acts like poor people’s lives matter that they stomped back to their state-level parties and got straight to work taking away their constituents’ right to vote.
Obviously, the problem here is that citizens were allowed to fire Republicans JUST BECAUSE they lost control of the coronavirus, killed hundreds of thousands of us, crashed the economy, and stood idly by while a game show host on an Adderall bender attempted to install himself as dictator for life. In fairness, I can see where folks that’re that catastrophically awful at governing would want to remove accountability from the equation, when it comes to the acquisition of power.
In Arizona, introspective Republicans reacted to their recent statewide defeats by offering up a bold new platform to win back voters with popular policies designed to solve problems and improve lives JUST KIDDING they introduced two dozen different bills limiting voting rights. One would almost appreciate the honesty of state Representative John Kavanaugh’s sneering insistence that Dem voters are simply of lower “quality” than Real Muricans like himself, were it not, y’know, brazen white supremacy.
Meanwhile, Iowa Governor Kim Reynolds signed the nation’s very first post-2020 voter suppression bill into law, earning first pick at the next RGA shindig, when it comes time to hunt the waitstaff for sport.
Seems even half a million graves aren’t enough to stop wingnut politicians from throwing deranged little mask-burning parties, in Idaho this time, where the loons went so far as to publicly revel in their successful corruption of their poor children’s minds. How are these clowns still throwing this tantrum, after a year of suffering and death? It’s like being a volcano truther when you’re chin-deep in magma.
Aspiring would-be Führer Madison Cawthorn apparently made a video of himself punching the crap out of some dinky, rotting tree, and I encourage y’all to take a second to contemplate the psychology at work there. Seriously. Stop reading, get yourself a fresh beer, and really sit with that shit for a bit. There is no healthy path to the activity captured in that video, and I really don’t think it’s safe to let the same brain that arrives at profoundly creepy decisions like “let’s go on a Hitler vacation” or “now I shall record myself beating up a dead tree” make laws for the rest of us.
Meanwhile, the Republican Party finds itself on the brink of open grifter civil war. Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot, demonstrating a genuinely impressive ignorance of the country’s laws for a dude who was President for four fucking years, sent a cease-and-desist notice to the RNC, demanding they stop using his loathsome name and pinched-butthole-mouthed likeness in fundraising appeals, because he desperately needs all the change from every sofa cushion and swear jar in MAGA nation just pay his legal bills. Fight forever, you evil fucks.
Roy Blunt became the latest GOP incumbent to proclaim Fuck No I’m Not Sticking Around to Deal With the Consequences of My Craven Appeasement of American Fascism, announcing his imminent resettlement from the United States Senate to history’s dustbin. I’m told Messrs. Blunt, Portman, Shelby, Toomey, and Burr plan to launch a think tank together, the Neville Chamberlain Foundation, to train and advise the next generation of enabling conservative cowards.
He may no longer wield the power of the American presidency, or even his own Twitter account, but the Velveeta Vulgarian remains undiminished in one field, which he is likely to stand astride, a lone Colossus, until the fucking sun goes dark: losing in court. This time it was his campaign’s defamation suit against the Failing New York Times that got thrown out, a reminder that during his time in office, he worked harder to destroy the First Amendment than the coronavirus.
We don’t hear from him much anymore, (I guess even God can’t ignore a prayer when it comes from everyone alive every single day for four years) so it was extra satisfying when Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops popped up just to issue that sad, cringingly desperate statement, attempting to take credit for the Biden Administration’s vaccine successes. Like, I get the blind devotion thing, I just never understood how they made it work with the most pathetic man alive. I guess I always figured those folks who truly desire the rule of a strongman would seek out, I dunno…strength? Obviously pulsating globs of unbridled insecurity are where it’s really at; expect all future cults to be headed by acne-scarred eighth grade boys with braces.
Tucker Carlson, who I’m told is viewed as something of a paragon of masculinity in an alternate dimension where the dominant life form is a race of semi-sentient pork dumplings, threw a screechy little shitfit about how the military is just one big tea party full of sissies n’ cucks on account of the way they let GIRLS in nowadays, and even allow them to boss the menfolk around, in defiance of whatever inbred hillbilly god Tucker erroneously believes anointed him Archbishop of Manhood.
This earned Carlson, Time Magazine’s “Softest Boy Alive” for eleven years running, a series of public rebukes from the sorts of folks who actually risk their lives defending this country while some people stay home, comfortably ordering designer sex dolls with mommy and daddy’s fish stixx money. As an Illinois resident, I was particularly proud of the way my Senator, Purple Heart recipient Tammy Duckworth, stomped all over Liar Tuck’s pompous, sickly ballsack.
I see Government Cheese Goebbels’ own (acting) Defense Secretary, Chris Miller, made the entirely uncontroversial statement that his old boss incited the January 6th Capitol riot, which made headline news, because arguing about whether or not things the whole world witnessed actually happened is something we do now, in our extremely healthy modern society.
Exhausting as all this bullshit is, Biden, Harris, and the rest of the gang just keep on delivering fabulous news and sweet, sexxxxy competence. Now they’re saying vaccines will be available to every American adult by May 1st, and as far as I can tell, nobody’s asked us to inject bleach into a single orifice.
Goods news at the start AND the finish? I better quit before we learn Congressman Gohmert pissed in the vaccine supply, making regressing to Louie’s right-around-armadillo-level IQ the price of immunity. Good luck in the queues, my friends; stay safe out there!
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
I envy you for living in Illinois! Here in Wisconsin, a once very progressive state, we are stuck not only with the MoRon but several dimwitted US Representatives and a hell hole in the State Assembly.
Mo Ron! I like that better than QRon .
Sadly true. We have a lot of work ahead of us.
Congrats! I just fed u into Madison Cawthorn’s worthless Twitter feed. Boy, is that Chick-get-it Baptist Boy college drop out riot inciter HATED in the NC 11th.
Ahh, the good news just keeps on coming. Like you, Cap, I haven’t had this much hope since 2008! Unfortunately, I live in Wisconsin and apparently we’re being punished for Ron Johnson by only offering covid vaccination to those in certain limited jobs (I’m not suggesting frontline healthcare, teachers, bus drivers, etc. shouldn’t get vaccinated) and people over 65, with no consideration for co-morbidity factors such as Diabetes, etc. I guess I’ll have to wait till May to hug my grandkids, that will bring me to 16 months hug-free.
Alas it’s true. I’m also in Wisconsin. I’m almost 64 and have several health conditions that put me at higher risk. Yet I’m in the second-to-last group eligible. And I haven’t seen my kids or grandkids in 15 months.
Glad to find out your a fellow Illinoisian (Illinoyer?). I just knew your style of comedy had a familiar ring to it.
Are residents of your great state ever called “Illinoying”?
Illini, if you please
You, Sir, are a National Treasure.
Absolutely AGREE with my 83 yr old Democrat body having spent most of my RT funds to elect Joe and ALL OF THE DEMS. COULD NOT BE HAPPIER! I don’t have too many things I want to do after ridding us of the drump and getting a REAL American with FEDERAL GOVT experience and CARE into the OVAL!!
Tour de Force: nailed it as usual! Barrel of laughs over here. Hope: what is this word you speak? Please next time cover the incident of the Uber passenger who tore off the driver’s mask, stole his phone and coughed in his face. I’m sure you’ll have a few choice words…
A doff of the cap to you as a master of vituperative invective. An art form uniquely positioned right now in history as the most appropriate response to any drivel that spews from the mouth of any Rethuglican Mr. Potato Head mourning over the now fortuitously Lost Episodes of Dr. Seuss.
Tammy Duckworth aka Senator Badass.
Arrrrgh, almost had a very bad Saturday morning, Cap. For some unknown reason my email server dumped your post into the Spam account. I didn’t see it when I got up and I was heart broken. Twice a week was wonderful, once a week was good, but no times a week is unthinkable. I need my morning laugh and your pitch perfect narrative of what the hecks going on. Thank heavens I refused to accept that you might not haven written a blog this week. I went looking and found your post. I slowly drank it down like a really fine wine. Relishing every taste. Ahhh, let the weekend begin with laughs and ‘hope’. Thank you as ever.
I have to say a neat turn of phrase like “Course, then there’s Roger Wicker, who didn’t even wait for the peasant blood he dips his old-timey fountain pen in to dry on his Hell No vote before skipping merrily out to take credit for the assistance Mississippi was about to receive in spite of his vociferous opposition.”can energize my whole day. You are a national treasure and I salute you!
Nobody but nobody, Tucker included, will ever roll over on Tammy Duckworth. She paid full price for admission. As for my ‘swear jar’ my DJT look-alike piggy bank blew out his rib cages long ago. J-H-F-%#-kin’-C—–, what a toll Trump and his mafia dons took on America. He came to town with one purpose—to show their grifter side and dabble in politics a bit. Trump destroyed our world standing amongst free and Democratic nations, every Republican in the House and Senate aided and abetted him and Biden/Harris will work hard to get us all the way back. Illinois has the ‘Cap’ and Tammy Duckworth. For all the bad raps, Illinois has them for goodness’ sake. .
Speaking of the canceling of Mr. Potato Head, should Sean Hannity and Matt Gaetz be worried?
Illuminating Tucker Carlson’s whinging about female chromosomes in the American military was the radioactive glowing of his ignorance about the siege of Stalingrad and the Nacht Hexen, just two examples of why it’s a very VERY bad idea to mess with angry women. We’ll suffer with PMS (Putting up with Men’s Shit) until we decide we’ve Had Enough of mama’s little darlings, and then…
Then? Tucker, dear, ask historians about the women of Stalingrad who fought side by side with starving male Russian soldiers to keep the German military from destroying their homes… and why German soldiers occasionally took their own lives rather than risk capture by the women. Google “Nacht Hexen” and imagine the pants-wetting terror of seeing an underpowered enemy plane (with motor shut off) swooping down from the clouds upon your outpost with the pilot cackling like a proper Russian witch and blowing the ever-lovin’ Focke out of your limited supplies before she restarts her engine and heads off to another rendezvous with Hitler’s finest.
Yep, that’s what women do, Tucky me boy. We PMS just as long as we can, then make it clear to our abusers and the general public just how lethal we can be when annoyed beyond endurance.
Thank you, dear Cap, for giving me an opportunity to blow off steam at condescending boys with soft faces who love to spout nonsense on national television.
Friday night with Cap is as good as it gets!
WOW and DAMN! Absolutely fascinating post and you can bet I’m inspired to read more about the Nacht Hexen. Thank you so much for whetting my appetite for more! I do recall snippets of information about this in the dim recesses of my brain, but it all needs to be freshened up.
Wonderful blog, Cap! We’ve been enduring, fighting, and waiting for years to rejoice in returning (soon!) to everything we took for granted. Your splendidly scathing writing helped get us through the Awful Years, and it’s lovely to be able to enjoy some good news. Thank you!
Dear Captain,
I take issue with your description of Trump’s (P-too…spits on ground) mouth, i.e., Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot, demonstrating a genuinely impressive ignorance of the country’s laws for a dude who was President for four fucking years, sent a cease-and-desist notice to the RNC, demanding they stop using his loathsome name and pinched-butthole-mouthed likeness in fundraising appeals, because he desperately needs all the change from every sofa cushion and swear jar in MAGA nation just pay his legal bills.
I suggest the anatomically accurate “prolapsed anus.”
Thank you for your service,
John
That’s just unfair. Anus’, even prolapsed ones, serve a purpose. Mango Mussolini? Not so much.
Dearest Cap – I totally agree that our shiny new administration is very, very sexxxxy! I am so enjoying the warm waves of comfort and normalcy. The lack of constant mean and nonsensical tweets, the daily insults and horrors. However, I still need and appreciate your weekly blog, for the insightful and humorous commentary on the incredible insanity that unfortunately still persists. Deepest thanks, as always.
Another great Post, but the Enemy Within, the Republican Crime Syndicate does not rest.
“Gov. Cuomo remains defiant in spite of his inappropriate behavior”. That is the headline that the pretty faces on Corporate tee vee want to tell us 24 hours a day. We are returning to normal with Propaganda Machines working to destroy PRESIDENT Joe Biden and any D’s. The Democrats were not supposed to control the USA. And BADASS BIDEN was not supposed to give us all $1400, while vaccinating most people. Sorry Anti-Vaxxers, you lose.
The 4 years of Trump’s sex crimes are ignored. And his appointments included numerous wife beaters, ignored. Rep. Cawthorn’s inappropriate sex behavior is ignored. Rep. Boebert’s husband’s sex crimes are ignored. Rep. Jim Jordan’s sex crimes against children are ignored. Jeffrey Epstein’s wealthy sex clients, ignored. And the insurrection to destroy Democracy, ignore it as much as possible. The Pretty Faces must pretend the Republicans had nothing to do with it, other than organizing it.
Inappropriate sexual behavior by Democrats must be punished, but no punishment for R’s. Also, inappropriate reporting of the COVID casualties must be punished if D’s are to blame, especially if it is Cuomo. But it is OK to create a Plague. The Trump Plague was deliberately unleashed with the help of the QAnon/Republicans, who sabotaged funding for Public Heath. And the public health officials such as Birx and Redfield and Caputo and so on, lied about COVID data for a year, as they were promoting an epidemic. They specifically lied about the devastating casualties from COVID on hundreds of thousands of people of color. And these superspreader Governors such as Abbot and DeSantis are trying to vaccinate rich, white people only, as they falsify Plague data. Back to normal.
Why is it that every time I read of Rebli….gag…can malfeasance, my first comment is “JFC”? *sigh* GQP makes it hard to stay religious. How ironic. Love your posts. You’re my resistance superhero.
Every time we win one by 50+Harris I’m (dare I say) almost proud my state contributed Warnock and Ossoff to the Senate. Now we have to do something about our appalling House delegation, starting with Mad Marge and my idiot, Earl “Cruddy” Carter (silent but just as deadly). I’m sure Stacey Abrams is already on it — she scares them like a cholera outbreak and I love it.
Although you deserve a week off, please don’t take one. We still need your baroque snark.
It’s clear to me that Cawthorn’s Minecraft account should be suspended for a bit. I hope he got seriously depressed after punching that innocent tree that no, he didn’t have an inventory full of logs ready to go.
BTW, does he not look like the lovechild of Tab Hunter and vanilla or what?