Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Joni Hates Tommy, and Other Underappreciated Happy Days Spinoffs
I hope your Halloween was as adorable as mine. All the neighborhood children dressed up as the House Republican Conference and played a musical chairs variant called “leadership election,” where the kid left standing became the “speaker-designate” and got pelted with rocks till he ran away. The little girl in the Nancy Mace costume was particularly exuberant.
Creationist weirdo Mike Johnson officially launched his speakership by taking the Israel aid package hostage in order to blow up the deficit for the benefit of wealthy tax cheats, because why shouldn’t the GOP’s donor class profit from the largest mass murder of Jews since the Holocaust?
Still, after weeks of paralysis, MJ’s got the House up and running again, addressing the issues that matter most to the American public. Biden administration officials ain’t gonna reduce their own salaries to a dollar, y’know. Next on the docket: revenge on th’gays for causing the fall of the Roman Empire.
International moron of mystery George Santos survived an expulsion vote, largely because Republicans’re worried they’ll accidentally impeach Sean Hannity if their majority gets any narrower.
Why, they weren’t even able to pass the Jewish space laser lady’s resolution censuring Rashida Tlaib for the high crime of Speaking While Muslim. Absorbing defeat with her customary grace, Marj railed against all the squishy RINO cucks, with their vaping and their groping, who would rather get freaky at Beetlejuice than assassinate Nancy Pelosi.
After all these months of chaos and dysfunction, you’re no doubt thinking to yourself, “this looks like a job for Trent Franks!” because some problems can only be solved by a great big creep. Like the deficit, for example. See, when a Congressman offers a staffer $5 million to bear his child, that bribe is actually taxed at an exorbitant rate, under the Skeevy Old Man Act of 1855.
In the subterranean tunnels where the moderate morlocks dwell, legends tell of Ken Buck, a man of such unshakable principle that he once stood athwart the tide of madness that had overtaken his party for something like five and half days before capitulating completely. Immediately following his epic near-week of valorousness, Ken decided to flee Congress altogether, lest he be called upon to actually stand for something a second time.
Demonstrating uncharacteristic good judgment, Mike Pence suspended his “presidential campaign” rather than risk lynching for the right to arm-wrestle Doug Burgum for half a delegate in Iowa. I’m sure Pence still has a bright future ahead of him, breaking into hotel rooms to scratch out the naughty bits in the bedside Bibles.
Elsewhere in the Race for Second Place, Ron DeSantis issued an urgent call for donations to fund the even-higher heels he’ll soon require to see over Nikki Haley as he shrinks ever further into nothingness. History will remember Ron, to the extent he’s remembered at all, as an unusually short book-banner.
In these polarized times, I think it’s important to focus, whenever possible, on the things that unite rather than divide us, and I believe there’s a real opportunity for Americans of all political persuasions to come together over our shared disdain for Tommy Tuberville.
Like, much to my surprise, I found myself cheering on Joni Ernst of all people, watching her rip Tommy’s asshole out through his left nostril on the Senate floor. Is this what bipartisanship feels like? I tell you what, I’m gonna give hog castration another look.
Despite the abovementioned sphincterectomy, Tuberville had a message for General Eric Smith, the Marine Corps commandant who’s currently hospitalized following a heart attack after weeks of overwork due to a certain human drain clog’s petulance: “Suck it up, buttercup! Runnin’ a branch of the U.S. military can’t be any harder than coachin’ football, and look at the smooth-brained dipshits they hire to do that!”
Speaking of wingnut Senators getting spanked, preening lickspittle Josh Hawley’s attempt to generate Fox Nooz content at Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas’ expense didn’t go as planned. Haven’t seen Josh so eager to escape the consequences of his own shitty behavior since the Capitol Riot.
For assaulting police officers during said riot, former Turd Reich State Department official Federico Klein was sentenced to 70 months in federal prison, where he hopes to join the musical recording group fronted by cognitive test-passing sexual assaulter Donald J. Trump, which is already way, way bigger than Taylor Swift.
On the white-collar side of the insurrection, John Eastman was found “culpable for ethics breaches,” a big step towards disbarment and potentially joining the cooperating witness firm of Powell, Chesebro, Ellis & Hall.
Eric Trump wildly exceeded expectations when he took the stand in the family grift’s corporate death penalty trial this week, for though he pitched a fit and got caught in several lies and likely blew the entire case, he somehow managed to get through two days of testimony without eating a single booger.
Elsewhere on the legal front this week, the Dotard saw one gag order reinstated, then paused, and another expanded to include his dirtbag lawyers. Princess Ivanka’s bid to get out of testifying “because motherhood” flopped. Oh, and “Claim About Trump’s ‘Small’ Genital Organ Going All The Way To Supreme Court,” I’m told.
There’s a war on Halloween in this country, y’know. No one says “trick or treat” anymore, just this politically correct “you must not engage in any of these practices of the occult…there is legit darkness that can be channeled…don’t even play around with it” shit from wokesters like Charlie Kirk.
At the same time, we should be honest about what happens at the other extreme. I’m ashamed to admit I wasn’t even aware of the scourge of young fathers using this pagan holiday as an excuse to spend time with their children until I heard about it from Jesse Watters.
Of course, so much of the news lately is just…hate. Anti-Semitism and Islamophobia. From the Right and the Left. And I don’t know how to deal with it here. Maybe a just a litany of atrocity?
Well, there was the lynch mob at the Russian airport and all the shit going down on college campuses across the nation and oh yeah somebody hacked a highway sign in Georgia to read “Heil Hitler” and Jesse Watters and Mark Levin were predictably awful and then there’s United States Representative Brian Mast proclaiming, on the floor of the House, that all Palestinians are basically Nazis and therefore permissible to exterminate.
Yeah, it’s a lot. And it’s disheartening. And I don’t know what the answer is, beyond the continued vigilant citizenship of decent people like yourself.
So stay safe out there, my friend; the world’s gonna need you at your best. (As always, if you’d like to support the blog, you can sign up on the email list at showercapblog.com, follow @john_luzar on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter, or pitch in for a brew or two if you’re so inclined.)