- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Joni Hates Tommy, and Other Underappreciated Happy Days Spinoffs
I hope your Halloween was as adorable as mine. All the neighborhood children dressed up as the House Republican Conference and played a musical chairs variant called “leadership election,” where the kid left standing became the “speaker-designate” and got pelted with rocks till he ran away. The little girl in the Nancy Mace costume was particularly exuberant.
Creationist weirdo Mike Johnson officially launched his speakership by taking the Israel aid package hostage in order to blow up the deficit for the benefit of wealthy tax cheats, because why shouldn’t the GOP’s donor class profit from the largest mass murder of Jews since the Holocaust?
Mike also hired Fox’s Big Lie fall guy, Raj Shah, to run caucus comms, because no one who hadn’t cost their previous employer $787 million applied for the gig, I guess.
Still, after weeks of paralysis, MJ’s got the House up and running again, addressing the issues that matter most to the American public. Biden administration officials ain’t gonna reduce their own salaries to a dollar, y’know. Next on the docket: revenge on th’gays for causing the fall of the Roman Empire.
International moron of mystery George Santos survived an expulsion vote, largely because Republicans’re worried they’ll accidentally impeach Sean Hannity if their majority gets any narrower.
Why, they weren’t even able to pass the Jewish space laser lady’s resolution censuring Rashida Tlaib for the high crime of Speaking While Muslim. Absorbing defeat with her customary grace, Marj railed against all the squishy RINO cucks, with their vaping and their groping, who would rather get freaky at Beetlejuice than assassinate Nancy Pelosi.
After all these months of chaos and dysfunction, you’re no doubt thinking to yourself, “this looks like a job for Trent Franks!” because some problems can only be solved by a great big creep. Like the deficit, for example. See, when a Congressman offers a staffer $5 million to bear his child, that bribe is actually taxed at an exorbitant rate, under the Skeevy Old Man Act of 1855.
In the subterranean tunnels where the moderate morlocks dwell, legends tell of Ken Buck, a man of such unshakable principle that he once stood athwart the tide of madness that had overtaken his party for something like five and half days before capitulating completely. Immediately following his epic near-week of valorousness, Ken decided to flee Congress altogether, lest he be called upon to actually stand for something a second time.
Demonstrating uncharacteristic good judgment, Mike Pence suspended his “presidential campaign” rather than risk lynching for the right to arm-wrestle Doug Burgum for half a delegate in Iowa. I’m sure Pence still has a bright future ahead of him, breaking into hotel rooms to scratch out the naughty bits in the bedside Bibles.
Elsewhere in the Race for Second Place, Ron DeSantis issued an urgent call for donations to fund the even-higher heels he’ll soon require to see over Nikki Haley as he shrinks ever further into nothingness. History will remember Ron, to the extent he’s remembered at all, as an unusually short book-banner.
In these polarized times, I think it’s important to focus, whenever possible, on the things that unite rather than divide us, and I believe there’s a real opportunity for Americans of all political persuasions to come together over our shared disdain for Tommy Tuberville.
Like, much to my surprise, I found myself cheering on Joni Ernst of all people, watching her rip Tommy’s asshole out through his left nostril on the Senate floor. Is this what bipartisanship feels like? I tell you what, I’m gonna give hog castration another look.
Despite the abovementioned sphincterectomy, Tuberville had a message for General Eric Smith, the Marine Corps commandant who’s currently hospitalized following a heart attack after weeks of overwork due to a certain human drain clog’s petulance: “Suck it up, buttercup! Runnin’ a branch of the U.S. military can’t be any harder than coachin’ football, and look at the smooth-brained dipshits they hire to do that!”
Speaking of wingnut Senators getting spanked, preening lickspittle Josh Hawley’s attempt to generate Fox Nooz content at Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas’ expense didn’t go as planned. Haven’t seen Josh so eager to escape the consequences of his own shitty behavior since the Capitol Riot.
For assaulting police officers during said riot, former Turd Reich State Department official Federico Klein was sentenced to 70 months in federal prison, where he hopes to join the musical recording group fronted by cognitive test-passing sexual assaulter Donald J. Trump, which is already way, way bigger than Taylor Swift.
On the white-collar side of the insurrection, John Eastman was found “culpable for ethics breaches,” a big step towards disbarment and potentially joining the cooperating witness firm of Powell, Chesebro, Ellis & Hall.
Eric Trump wildly exceeded expectations when he took the stand in the family grift’s corporate death penalty trial this week, for though he pitched a fit and got caught in several lies and likely blew the entire case, he somehow managed to get through two days of testimony without eating a single booger.
Elsewhere on the legal front this week, the Dotard saw one gag order reinstated, then paused, and another expanded to include his dirtbag lawyers. Princess Ivanka’s bid to get out of testifying “because motherhood” flopped. Oh, and “Claim About Trump’s ‘Small’ Genital Organ Going All The Way To Supreme Court,” I’m told.
There’s a war on Halloween in this country, y’know. No one says “trick or treat” anymore, just this politically correct “you must not engage in any of these practices of the occult…there is legit darkness that can be channeled…don’t even play around with it” shit from wokesters like Charlie Kirk.
At the same time, we should be honest about what happens at the other extreme. I’m ashamed to admit I wasn’t even aware of the scourge of young fathers using this pagan holiday as an excuse to spend time with their children until I heard about it from Jesse Watters.
Of course, so much of the news lately is just…hate. Anti-Semitism and Islamophobia. From the Right and the Left. And I don’t know how to deal with it here. Maybe a just a litany of atrocity?
Well, there was the lynch mob at the Russian airport and all the shit going down on college campuses across the nation and oh yeah somebody hacked a highway sign in Georgia to read “Heil Hitler” and Jesse Watters and Mark Levin were predictably awful and then there’s United States Representative Brian Mast proclaiming, on the floor of the House, that all Palestinians are basically Nazis and therefore permissible to exterminate.
Good lord.
Yeah, it’s a lot. And it’s disheartening. And I don’t know what the answer is, beyond the continued vigilant citizenship of decent people like yourself.
So stay safe out there, my friend; the world’s gonna need you at your best. (As always, if you’d like to support the blog, you can sign up on the email list at showercapblog.com, follow @john_luzar on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter, or pitch in for a brew or two if you’re so inclined.)
- Der Postmeister Postmaster General
- Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
- Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
- Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
- Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
- The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
- Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
- THE CONCERN TROLL
- THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Thanks, Cap, for summing up the horrors of Halloween week. Just heard from a friend who is currently living in Ghana, and he was describing how that country is troubled by political corruption, inflation, and dishonest public officials robbing the public of large sums of money. Just like here, in other words. He said that the people there were surprised to hear that such malfeasance went on in the U.S.
Sir, you are deranged, but in a good way. SCDS (Shower Cap Derangement Syndrome) is a little-known but debiitating condition which causes individuals who read what you write to snicker quietly when lying next to their partners at night. The operative adverb here is quietly, because otherwise your readers would have to explain what they were laughing at, and that wouldn’t be easy, nossir! So can this just be our little secret? I’d appreciate it.
PS Please send next issue in an electronic plain brown wrapper.
Thanks, Cap!
Richard
Hey Richard! Thanks for your groundbreaking research and naming of SCDS. It is so helpful to those of us who find ourselves in this predicament to finally have it recognized and named. What a relief. Perhaps now there will be more education about this little known syndrome and less stigmatization regarding it. As for delivering in an electronic brown paper wrapper, count me in for the near future, at least until the general population is more accepting of those with SCDS, Richard, and Cap? Excellent work a as usual and thank you for your weekly wit. Worth your weight in beer!
Joni
March 2017?? Good Lord, Cap as one of your appreciative readers all these years I cannot remember your having been at a loss for words
or Sardonic Skewers for some of the current altogether horrendous political circle jerks that have taken over a small but ignorant, arrogant
cult coterie in the House. Don’t know where this leads but nowhere good I suspect–how about you rise up and do one of your classic Friday
takedowns on the new Bible-Thumpin-Twerp-God’s Speaker MJ–he of the natty dress, smooth articulate affable delivery of some of the more
fascist/theocracy/white nationalist power plays we’ve seen since, oh, the previous 2-3 generations of GOP would-be pseudo-Christian ayatollahs.
Excellent work!
So glad to have you back.
Please proceed, Captain!
For some reason l actually got two columns in this installment, not that l’m at all complaining. It almost takes at least that to sum up the latest insanity each week.
Found myself laughing as usual, in between shrinking in horror at the rise of the Nazis in the House and society as a whole. Only you can make it somehow palatable, Cap. 🍺
Thank you for summing up another dismal week (dismal and week doing a lot of work in that sentence).
While out canvassing for Dems today, mostly just asking what people care about and are concerned about, one older woman said “We need more kindness.”
That is what we all need: more kindness.
Love you, Cap!
absolutely delightful, Cap, as always. . .
I am truly sorry, and slightly amazed, that you are so gobsmacked by the resurgence of public antisemitism and islamophobia that you can’t come up with a boatload of snark about the haters who revel in this crap.
To that end, I have an (insane) solution that I believe would suffice to curb the outright expression of that hatred, if not eradicate it entirely over the next generation or so.
I propose that we institute summary and immediate executions of EVERYONE who openly declares their hatred of Jews or Muslims, or for that matter ANYONE in the middle east. Dislike for what’s going on over there is acceptable, opposition to what’s happening in Gaza and Israel is understandable–but veering over into outright, fervent hatred of the ‘other’ side, whichever side that is, gets the hater an immediate death sentence, carried out by everyone packing at that time in that vicinity (and in America, you have to watch out for the cross-fire in a situation like that) on-site, with any bystander votes for mercy or understanding rendered moot by Colt & Company.
While I am certain there are a number of your fan base who will object to this suggestion, please understand that I envision a time when hate speech of any kind, toward EVERY possible target of said hate, would be met by summary execution, and then another election would be held to replace said hater in Congress. Not that I expect the members of the Repugnican Party to be the only recipients of flying lead, arrows, spears or blades of various lengths and designs–I’m sure Repugnican-leaning civilians would garner their fair share of Colt & Company dismissals from active participation in on-going disputes. In fact, I’ll bet everyone reading this can envision at least half a dozen rabid haters who would be sent, in short order, to discuss their issues with St. Peter.
While this may not be the best possible solution to the ongoing (and, sadly, increasing) number of individuals and groups who believe rabble-rousing and vociferous, vitriolic hatred to be their right to disseminate, it would most definitely be a solution, and in a matter of weeks at the most I would wager on a radical reduction of the number of flaming asswipes who spout, spread, and support the drooling hatred of first the Jews, then the Muslims, then the Gays, then Antifa, then books and teachers and scientists and doctors and vaccines and. . .
Well, I’m sure you all get the drift. I envision, three years on, a world where the bold, controversial experiment has worked so well in America that it’s been adopted by other countries, who have seen the same incredible drop in persons willing to espouse hatred of others all over the globe.
After all, I’m not suggesting some insane world where just thinking about hating someone else is punishable by death–I’m not even certain how that would work, to be honest. What I am suggesting, however, is proving to everyone on the planet that America will no longer allow the preaching of hate within the confines of our country, that our tolerance for public intolerance has definite limits, and those limits are when the hate comes out of your mouth and is directed at another person, group, or race the hater ends, right then and there.
Call it the Intolerance Doctrine, based on the same concept as the Castle (or Stand Your Ground) Doctrine, try each instance on whether or not there was hatred being publicly espoused, and make it a nation-wide mandate.
Or, in other words, give Americans a reason to shoot other Americans, something we apparently hold dear to our central circulating pumps, and a defense for doing so in public, and watch how suddenly Americans find something better to do than stand around and spout hate at any marginalized group or individual.
I would love to see an America where the haters are AFRAID to preach hate in any public venue. And I dare any of you reading this to tell me that you wouldn’t love to see that too. . .
Please, feel free to respond and tell me that I’m insane, which I already understand far better than any of you.
And then tell me how to make the haters afraid to preach hate in a better, more loving way.
Henry Rinehart (insane and living with it. . .)
P.S. There is some wisdom to the adage, “when all you have is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.” I, personally, also resonate to “fuck around and find out,” and “if you don’t want none, don’t bring none.” There are far too many individuals in this country who don’t understand any of that, and are utterly contemptuous of the rest of us sharing this nation with them. I believe it’s far, far past time their contempt was replaced by abject fear, if that’s all they understand.
Good work this week, though I confess it took me forever to get through it. “International moron of mystery George Santos” was this week’s speed bump and I’m still needing to stop and giggle every 5 minutes or so.
When there’s this much tragedy in the world, especially in DC, the only way to deal is with comedy.