Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Election Day is When MAGA Does What They Do Best
Well, my efforts to escape into an alternate reality where James Comey kept his ego in check have yet to bear fruit, so I suppose I may as well chronicle the insanity in this one. Where I’m trapped. With the dumbest, craziest, shittiest motherfuckers in human history.
In lieu of a policy platform, the Dotard ‘24 campaign has been working up a list of revenge targets for his weaponized DoJ to persecute, including, but hardly limited to: Mark Milley, John Kelly, whoever cut him out of Home Alone 2 in Canada, Bill Barr, Ty Cobb, and every single person who beheld photographic evidence of his poorly attended inauguration. Curiously absent from this enemies list are those most deserving of retaliation: his tailor and his barber.
Seems Off-Brand Orbán spends most of his time these days either fondly reminiscing upon past abuses of power or fantasizing about abuses of power yet to come. No wonder he can’t endure ten minutes in the harsh reality of Judge Engoron’s courtroom without melting down like a prep school kid who just found out he has to rewrite a paper he got caught plagiarizing.
Other plans for a restored Turd Reich include invoking the Insurrection Act against dissenting protesters, and replacing the nixed Harriet Tubman $20 bill with currency bearing the warped rictus of Libs of TikTok’s Chaya Raichik posing with the USA Today headline about all the bomb threats she inspires.
Oh, and Tucker Carlson will be Vice President, because I guess we’re skipping the boring parts of the Book of Revelation.
The self-proclaimed Party of Losers LARPed another “presidential debate,” because it’s not like Chris Christie has anywhere else to be. The closest thing to actual news generated by this pointless pomposity pageant was the shocking revelation that Tim Scott’s Canadian girlfriend actually exists. Otherwise, Nikki Haley called Vivek Ramaswamy a “turd-gargling taint blister,” earning the rare “Geppetto checkmark” from Washington Post fact-checkers, and the fast fading Ron DeSantis once again came up short in his pursuit of the ever-elusive human smile.
I guess as long as Asa Hutchinson can escape campaign events with his life, he’s technically still running, too. And if any self-loathing political junkie honestly wants to click on a headline like “Burgum pens op-ed to defend his continued candidacy,” well, who am I to stand in their way?
…but the primary’s over, folks.
Well, House Republicans had barely a week to enjoy that new Speaker smell before they drove the government right back into their favorite ditch, pulling two spending bills at the last minute as a shutdown looms.
Of course, it hardly helps that Mike Johnson’s attention has been split between governing the nation and monitoring his son’s pornography intake with an app, which you’ll agree is an exceptionally normal thing to do.
One shudders contemplating the Johnson family porn search history. Puritans self-flagellating while dry-humping dinosaurs atop smallpox blankets on the deck of Noah’s Ark, that sort of thing.
Apparently, Marjorie Taylor Greene’s been tromping around the Capitol in a snit, screaming LAUREN BOEBERT IS A WHOOOOOOOOOORE at anyone who happens by, because her colleagues coalesced around a rival motion to censure Rashida Tlaib. Wow. Who would’ve imagined the woman who thought wildfires were caused by immense, Jewish-owned lasers stationed in outer space would turn out to be so emotionally unstable?
Turns out Imperial Impeachment Inquisitor James Comer’s own “shady business practices” are indistinguishable from the notorious Biden family crime syndicate’s, right down to the specific dollar amounts of the so-called “loans” to alleged “brothers.” Luckily for Jimmy, it’s a post-shame party/cult that’s enabled his ascent, so he’s still free to pester the families of Hamas’ victims while the House GOP moves their hearings behind closed doors to shield themselves from further public humiliation.
Wyoming Congressdolt Harriet Hageman went on Newsmax to claim pro-Palestine protests are a plot backed by all-purpose bogeyman George Soros, because God really enjoys making liberals say “I sure do miss having Liz Cheney in Congress!”
Speaking of the telltale intellect of the bigot, Indianapolis’ Ruba Almaghtheh accidentally perpetrated a terrorist attack on fellow anti-Semites because she was too fucking stupid and lazy to do a quick google search before driving her car into a building she believed to be a Jewish school.
Tommy Tuberville celebrated the United States Marine Corps’ 248th birthday by continuing to hold up numerous Marines’ promotions, for he is a great big pile of shit.
Domestic terrorists can rest easy knowing they’ve got a friend in the United States Congress. Yes, gun violence truther/coronavirus magnet Clay Higgins penned a letter vouching for the “good character, faith, and core principles” of crowbar-wielding Capitol rioter Ryan Nichols, whose hobbies include talking about himself in the third person and assaulting police officers with chemical spray. Well, if anyone exemplifies “good character,” it’s Clay.
Hoping to claw back some of the money they lost on a book targeted at rage-addled illiterates, Mark Meadows’ publisher is suing him for, and make sure you’re near a fainting couch, lying about the 2020 election. Similar lawsuits are expected from the producer of John Eastman’s autobiographical rock opera, and the fiddler from freak-folk four-piece Sidney Powell and the Big Lie.
Apparently, Peter Thiel won’t be financing 2024’s crop of Herschel Walkers and Blake Masterses, because he’s planning on converting all his wealth into quarters, building a giant pyramid out of them, and having himself cryogenically frozen inside. Unless he figures out how to turn himself into an elf first. A Tolkein elf, not a Keebler one. I think. Either way, I hope you’ve still got free articles left at The Atlantic this month, because Pete is 31 flavors of cray-cray, and this profile is fuckin’ wiiiiiiiiiiiiiild.
Good news for insufferable fake progressives who prioritize self-aggrandizing social media posturing over actual human suffering: Jill Stein’s back! 2016 Stein voters still get annual thank-you cards from Syrian Kurds, I’m told.
Given the fuckery n’ madness documented in the preceding paragraphs, (and indeed in the preceding six and a half years of this blog) it brings me great pleasure to report that the Coalition of the Decent unleashed yet another can of electoral whoop-ass on MAGA nation, leaving Republicans scrambling to understand why voters yet again rejected their proffered shit sandwich.
I, for one, would like to thank THE CHILDLESS, UNMARRIED ABORTION ARMY MOBILIZED BY BARBIE, TAYLOR SWIFT for our victories Tuesday. Couldn’t’ve done it withoutcha, abortion army.
Yes, Team Democracy is Good, Actually (Also We Are Not Maniacs) notched wins all over the place, from the Kentucky governorship to the Pennsylvania Supreme Court to the New Jersey legislature. Don’t forget the abortion rights ballot measure in Ohio, though of course Republicans have not yet abandoned hope of concocting some trickery or other to nullify the electorate’s clearly expressed will.
Oh, and we flipped the Virginia state House and held the Senate. Glenn Youngkin turned out to be one of those overrated prospects who ultimately couldn’t handle big league pitching, but at least he’ll have all those sad, desperate Glenn Will Surely Save Us thinkpieces to keep him warm through the lame duck years.
And, as everyone knows, every time a wingnut loses an election, an angel gets a donut, but when a community rejects a Moms For Liberty school board candidate, it’s a maple-glazed long john with a big ol’ slab of bacon on top. I figure it’s probably best if folks who call the cops on librarians aren’t consulted on what our children are taught. Plus, it’s okay, angels don’t have arteries to harden.
Well now I want a donut. And a beer. If you’re interested in supporting my super-healthy lifestyle, I take Venmo and PayPal now. Plus, I’d love t’see you on the email list at showercapblog.com, or on the Hellsite Formerly Known as Twitter, where I can be found @john_luzar. Until we meet again, you stay safe out there, my friend.