Well, I just got off the phone with my cable provider’s customer service department. They agreed that the three-hour cankle-fellating bacchanal was inappropriate for children, but there was nothing they could do because it was a Cabinet meeting.

Now that dignity is partisan, I worry regime interrogators will screen for it in the gulags.

“What’s your favorite question on the cognitive test our God Emperor aced?”

“Oh, definitely identifying the drawing of the horsey! I would’ve said…um…duck, probably.” But they’d see the laughter in my eyes and drag me away.

Yeah, shit’s gettin’ downright wacky here in this republic we’re struggling to keep. I’m old enough to remember endless hours of wingnut bleating that Obamacare was tyranny, that wearing masks to slow Covid-19’s spread was tyranny, but somehow deploying troops on American city streets while talking about how rad dictatorship would be doesn’t even register.

You’d think the President claiming “the right to do anything I want to do” would prompt the Tea Party crew to dust off the ol’ tricorn hat, but that doesn’t seem t’be the case. Oh well, I’m sure that flag-burning EO will be the last assault on our fundamental constitutional rights for a while.

…except, well…we don’t really need freedom of assembly anymore, since we’re funneling our entire lives directly into our phones anyway, right? So that other EO, creating specialized National Guard units for “quelling civil disturbances,” shouldn’t bother anyone. And what’s so bad about quartering soldiers, anyway? Think about all the awesome board games gathering dust in the hall closet for want of the appropriate number of players.

Who needs rights when you can enjoy the spectacle of the nation’s great warfighters triumphing over the litter in Lafayette Park, the first military operation of Secretary Hegseth’s tenure that didn’t end with multiple $70 million jets at the bottom of the ocean?

As part of the crackdown, Sean Duffy has seized control of D.C.’s Union Station, figuring a few train accidents might just spice up the monotony of the same, dreary plane crashes.

RFK Jr. finds the nation’s youths mitochondrially wanting. He can size up your mitochondria at a fuckin’ GLANCE, kids; it’s a superpower you only gain by letting a cranial parasite nosh upon your heroin-battered cerebellum.

Bobby Brainworm’s on a tear these days, actually, purging the Centers for Disease Control of all those dastardly deep state types who so sinisterly believe diseases should be controlled, in addition to dramatically limiting Americans’ access to Covid vaccines during the latest variant surge. It’s nice to finally have a Health and Human Services Secretary who remembers the Founding Fathers, in their wisdom, decreed that a virus’ sacred right to sicken and kill our nation’s children SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED.

Of course, it’s not just HHS undergoing a purge of the insufficiently incompetent. Tulsi Gabbard dutifully dismissed and/or revoked security clearances from all 37 current and former intelligence officials on the list Pootie Tang slipped her at that nationally humiliating summit in Alaska, including “one of the CIA’s senior-most Russia experts.” Something something America first.

The Kennedy Center’s new director of dance programming promises to usher in a new era of anti-woke ballet, launching with a revolutionary production of Swan Lake wherein the Black Swan will be replaced with a Merit-Based Swan who is coincidentally Lara Trump, who intends to substitute a series of auto-tuned Tom Petty covers for the traditional Tchaikovsky score.

Oh, and a bunch of FEMA employees who signed an open letter to Congress warning of Kristi Noem’s dangerous undermining of the agency’s mission were swiftly placed on administrative leave, which oughta clear up any preparedness issues.

Convicted fraudster Donald J. Trump attempted to fire Federal Reserve Governor Lisa Cook over unproven fraud allegations, hoping to replace her with a pliable lackey like Kevin Hassett, or maybe even Ron Vara. Within a couple months, there won’t be anyone left in the federal government but Fox News personalities and Proud Boys.

Despite what the lügenpresse would have you believe, the real victims of the tragedy at Annunciation Catholic School in Minneapolis were the Republican politicians who’ve worked so tirelessly to ensure the nation’s mass murderers remain sufficiently well-armed to slaughter children at prayer.

The ritual was obscene enough back when they merely defiled their victims’ grief with their insincere thoughts and empty prayers, but now that they’ve taken to mewling about religious persecution before the bodies even have time to cool…look, I’d hate to impugn the piety of a rapist-worshipping hate cult, but given the millions of human beings you’ve harmed, instead of finger-wagging moralizing, why not go fuck yourselves?

Following a court order, “Alligator Alcatraz” is shutting down, with one last round of fascist violence for old times’ sake. Several other concentration camps are still planned, however, cuz where else are you supposed to send these foreign invaders who’ve infiltrated our wildfire-fighting crews?

A federal appeals court ruled the majority of the Dotard’s tariffs unconstitutional while showing great restraint in declining to comment on how ass-backward fucking dumb they are as well. Hope it sticks. It’d be nice to rejoin the international parcel delivery system.

Candace Owens would very much like a bailout from the consequences of her slanderous attacks on the Macrons. If you think the legal fees sting, Candace, wait till you see the fuckin’ payout.

A whistleblower tells us Big Balls likely left every single American’s Social Security number in the restroom at his favorite Sbarro, but don’t worry, they’ll give you a brand new one at CECOT.

Congratulations go out to Ashli Babbitt, who will become the first domestic terrorist to receive burial honors from the Air Force! Big week for treasonous losers, actually, as a portrait of celebrated surrenderer Robert E. Lee was rehung at West Point. Waiting for the Post Office to roll out that Seditious Conspirators commemorative stamp set featuring all your favorite Oath Keepers.

All this shit is polling so phenomenally well that the administration redoubled their efforts to subvert the coming midterms, enlisting the Republican Party of Missouri in the latest phase of their panicked, last-minute redistricting scheme, in addition to installing improbably named election denier Heather Honey to the suitably Orwellian post of deputy assistant secretary for Election Integrity.

…it sure would be neat if American democracy survived all this, wouldn’t it?

Off-Brand Orbán revoked Kamala Harris’ Secret Service protection ahead of her forthcoming book tour, which made him feel bigger and tuffer than anything since that time during his first term when he changed his own adult diaper without Mark Meadows’ help.

Despite the runaway popularity of her “death’s inevitability renders health care meaningless and unnecessary” campaign slogan (which I’ll grudgingly concede looks great on a red ballcap), Joni Ernst will not seek reelection next year. Were I a hog in Iowa, I’d think about investing in a codpiece.

Ascendant American fascism’s fecklessest enabler, Senator Susan Collins, got heckled at a ribbon-cutting ceremony this week, and I’ve little doubt everyone reading this shares my deep, profound, sincere concern.

Obviously, I can’t wait for all this nonsense to end forever, and once whatever’s going on with the cankles and the hand spot works its magic, I look forward to never thinking about any of these assclowns ever again, BUT…I will read the shit out of any book about these apparent clandestine efforts to foment discord between Greenland and Denmark.

Buncha dopes who can’t even throw a fucking parade attempting expansionist spycraft? That’s a slapstick gold mine. Ten bucks says there’s a chapter where Steve Witkoff tries going undercover as a harp seal only to attract the amorous attentions of an aggressive male.

Jeanine Pirro has already failed three times to secure indictments against those she would oppress, including “Sandwich Guy” Sean Charles Dunn, so maybe hope for the future can be found somewhere near the intersection of ineptitude, boxed wine, and the rule of law.

Cracker Barrel unrebranded itself (in public, no less), renouncing the new logo assailed by the perpetually terrified of change as “woke.” This is as close to an accomplishment as anyone in the MAGA movement is likely to get, outside of finding an even more bilkable rube to sell their Trump NFTs to.

Charlie Kirk thinks Taylor Swift should submit to her husband and get to work churning out Republican babies, ideally with freakishly small faces floating unnervingly in the middle of abnormally large heads. Personally, I think drinking beer should make you lose weight. It’s fun to have opinions!

I intend to put the matter to the test this weekend, so if this little rant earned a chuckle or a snort, feel free to toss a buck or two into my beer fund, now accepting Cash App, PayPal, and Venmo. New followers are always welcome @john_luzar, as are new sign-ups on the email list at showercapblog.com! Stay safe out there, chum, especially since you don’t want to miss the new comic book, which gets closer every single day. Check this out: