PRO TIP for any future civilizations: when a pedophile happens along, what you want to do is promptly administer a cognitive test. If the pedophile describes the test as “difficult,” do not, repeat DO NOT place him in charge of your economy.

Cuz it turns out, if you elevate a sufficiently idiotic pedophile to a position of sufficiently unchallenged power (to prevent the pedophile from amassing a docile cult of personality, simply avoid electing representatives as weak as Ted Cruz or Marco Rubio), you can go from “the envy of the world” to “manufacturing contracts for sixth straight month” quicker than you can identify a drawing of a whale.

NO WAIT, CHICKEN! THAT’S A CHICKEN!

Honest mistake! Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to raise some more tariffs, because our allies aren’t gonna drive themselves into our rivals’ waiting arms, y’know.

We had no choice but to antagonize the world’s fourth-largest economy, you see, because the prime minister refused to fuel the cognitive test-acing pedophile’s narcissistic delusions. He’s gonna get that Nobel Peace Prize if he has to nuke every capital on the planet.

Attendance at the ensuing party he’ll throw for himself shall be mandatory, but don’t worry, none of us will have jobs to go to by then.

Yeah, I guess Donnie Two-Dolls didn’t fire the BLS Commissioner hard enough, because the monthly jobs report came in, well, about where you’d expect it to if you put an abnormally unintelligent pedophile in charge of your economy (SEE PARAGRAPH ONE), with new layoff announcements rolling in seemingly hourly, from Halliburton, ConocoPhillips, Intel, Estée Lauder, John Deere…even your humble masked blogger was forced to part ways with his faithful beer steward, Alfred.

…and you sheeple probably think that’s a bad thing, but you just can’t see the big picture. Understand, once Bobby Brainworm’s done with the nation’s healthcare apparatus, we won’t need nearly so many jobs, trust me.

That was some hearing, huh? So this is how liberty dies…with the sibilant wheezing of history’s creepiest nepo baby.

Meanwhile, Jittery Joe Ladapo took aim at DeSantistan’s first-world child mortality rate, ending vaccine mandates for schools, because not infecting kids with previously eradicated diseases is basically slavery and herd immunity is woke or some shit.

Yeah, shouldn’t take more than a generation for the layoffs and the preventable deaths to balance out. Think of it as Trump-sizing the workforce.

Anyway, sure, you lost your job to a petulant manchild’s one-dotard trade war on the entire human race, but at least you’re paying more for everything.

Wait. Lemme take another pass at that.

Sure, you’re unemployed and everything is more expensive, but at least the President’s family raked in $5 billion via a single corrupt crypto scheme.

Hmmm. Why aren’t you expressing profound gratitude? And where did all those pitchforks come from? I’d’ve thought they’d be prohibitively expensive by now.

Look, we’ve all gotta tighten our belts. Why, the Reich couldn’t even afford binders for the latest repacking of the same ol’ subset of the Epstein files that’ve been publicly available for years.

Thomas Massie filed a discharge petition to force the release of the long-hidden stuff, but Speaker Moses, in possibly his Christianest move to date, took a bold stand for pedophile privacy rights, at least until Pam Bondi can complete the Herculean task of redacting all the prominent Republicans’ names.

Kristi Noem was widely mocked for her claim that Los Angeles “would have burned down” without Off-Brand Orbán’s extraconstitutional intervention, but assuming the across-the-board tariffs apply to kaiju, I don’t think it’s outside the realm of possibility that the notoriously thrifty Godzilla postponed a planned rampage.

Seldom have I been more disappointed to learn a news headline contained no metaphors than those stories about a trash bag falling from a top-floor White House window. That was restaurant-quality clickbait; coulda meant any number of ‘em, though of course your mind leaps straight to Bannon. I was so excited to find out.

…but then it turned out to be AI. Or maybe it was real. The White House lied to us one way or the other, but I’m sure they’re basically honest people, though I’d like to take this opportunity to draw everyone’s attention to my tattoo-free knuckles, just in case.

Good news, patriots! Our warfightin’ warfighters will no longer have to warfight under that girly-ass “Department of Defense” branding; welcome to the age of the Department of Kicking Ass in Super-Fun Socks and if the Odd $70 Million Jet Falls Into the Ocean, Well, Such is Life!

They already warfought the shit outta that one boat, that’s for sure. I suppose if you want to get all nitpicky, the government teeeeechnically lacks the “legal authority” to just assassinate people in international waters, but don’t worry, the eleven human beings who’re no longer alive were “narco-terrorists.” Promise. C’mon, would our government fraudulently accuse someone of gang membership to justify violating their human rights after the fact?

Shoot, I’m reasonably certain this botched North Korea mission we’re just learning about from Fat Q*bert’s first term, which left several unarmed civilians dead, would’ve gone off without a hitch if the Navy SEALs involved only understood they were doing war instead of defense.

Speaking of rebrands, the Big Bloated aBomination is now officially the “Working Families Tax Plan (with Splenda!)”, so everybody loves it now, especially your grandma back home, who managed to text an enthusiastic thumbs-up emoji before they disconnected her life support machine ahead of closing the only hospital within an hour of her home.

It’s never ideal to catch a sitting U.S. Senator dabbling in blood and soil rhetoric, but on the bright side, since Eric Schmitt self-identifies as a “national conservative” rather than a “national socialist,” future generations will be spared the tedious internet arguments that MAGA was really left-wing.

Mean ol’ D.C. grand juries keep spoiling Judge Jeanine’s attempted tyrannies, refusing to indict the targets of her frivolous prosecutions. Sources say an enraged Pirro vowed to pursue charges against the offending jurors, only abandoning the plot upon passing out after an hours-long struggle with the childproof lock the office manager installed on the supply cabinet where the boxed wine is kept.   

Now that the references to Jackie Robinson and the Navajo Code Talkers have been purged and the loser traitor paintings have been restored, Secretary Hegseth finally got around to undemoting Ronny “Candyman” Jackson, excellent news for all those warfighters who’re also drugtakers.

Noozmax sued Fox Nooz over allegedly anticompetitive practices in the lucrative dipshit brainwashing field, and while I’ve generally opposed recent assaults on legal norms, I figure it’s in everyone’s interest here to proceed straight to trial by combat.

FUN FACT: today, September 5th, marks the eight-year anniversary of this lil’ blog site of mine. And after eight years of this shit, I truly didn’t think this asshat cabal could surprise me anymore. Appall? Sure? But surprise?

That’s what I thought right up until I saw the story about a Republican administration toying with the idea of rolling back that holiest of wingnut holies: the right to bear arms. Admittedly “just” for trans people, as part of the demonization dogpile following the Minneapolis school shooting, but we’re alllllllll the way down the rabbit hole now, aren’t we?

Ah well. Surely they’ll stop disarming out-groups at this one disfavored minority. I bet there’ll be plenty of allies left to speak out when they come for me.

Anyway.

While the God of Cankles’ latest tease ultimately proved disappointing, if the sloppy old fop insists on sticking around, at least we get to watch him lose and lose and lose and lose in court.

Tariffs? Illegal.

Troops in L.A.? Illegal.

Ending legal protections for Haitian and Venezuelan migrants? How ‘bout nah?

Trying to deport Guatemalan children in the dead of night? Not so fast.

Withholding grants from Harvard? Sorry, ya fat fascist dork.

Yessiree, the rule of law is still alive and kickin’, and with minimal leg swelling, I might add.

Okay, I’m gonna go celebrate that eight-year anniversary, and I’m gonna need YOUR help! Contribute to my beer fund via PayPal, Venmo, or Cash App! Follow @john_luzar! Join the email list at showercapblog.com! And please please PLEASE stay safe out there!

You do not want to miss this new comic, trust me! Art by Jason Muhr, colors by Arthur Hesli…Kickstarter coming soon: