Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Knockoff Hitler Gets His War, and Other Unmitigated Horseshit
Y’know, my greatest hope is that the need for this blog will fade with time, that the madness dies down, and the billions of humans who just want to get through this damn life with minimal bullshit will no longer be subject to the insane whims of the shittiest people on the planet, but here we are in a week of headlines about Putin seizing Chernobyl while supply chain issues disrupt the gravestone industry, and, well, “today is not that day.”
Yeah, the ghastly bastard went and did it; Pooty-Poot launched his vile, illegal war of aggression on neighboring Ukraine. Guess his discount Bond villain ass couldn’t bear the thought of never going Full Hitler, even once. YOLO. Brought to you by Applebee’s.
It must be said, Vlad the Miscalculater has been consistently outflanked by the wily Biden Administration, who simply, brilliantly gave the whole world access to American intelligence on Russia’s intentions.
See, Putkins had this great big plan worked out, a masterpiece of modern gaslighting, to justify invasion by staging a false flag attack, like Ukraine randomly decided to initiate hostilities with the massive military force he’d assembled outside their borders, for Super Real Reasons. Sure, Jan.
Anyway, Old Tricksy Joe basically just posted that shit on the internet for the entire class to see, alongside the Kremlin’s planned war crimes n’ political assassinations. Caught with his pants down, the best this “master spy” could muster was an unhinged, deeply unmanful rant, where he came off like a drunken ex-boyfriend, vowing to chop down the front door with an axe to get his Whitesnake t-shirt back.
Confident he’d pull a fast one on a sleepy, divided NATO, Putin instead faces a strengthened western alliance he’s personally unified with his thuggery. Sanctions swiftly began taint-punting an already troubled economy, with more on the way. It’s all going super well, and I’m sure the long-term payoff will be nothing but bunnies and Pop Tarts and blow jobs. Really. I mean it. Cool plan, Underpants Gnome Mussolini.
Won’t surprise anybody that the spank-me-harder-Vladdy authoritarian Right proved incapable of passing up such a golden opportunity to demonstrate their disloyalty to the United States, just as Peter Doocy could not resist the urge to piggyback on the historic moment to indulge that insatiable public humiliation kink of his.
Of course Kid Kompromat sided with Russian aggression immediately and enthusiastically, grateful for the chance to kiss his boss’ ass in public. And you know Tucker Carlson’s always ready to pour another spoonful of pro-Putin poison down his congregation’s gullet. Hell, seems the entire evangelical Right can’t stop talking about how much they share Vlad’s “values,” which are, again, pro-Killing a Bunch of People and Taking All Their Stuff.
Asked to comment on unfolding events, D.C.’s reigning village idiot, Tommy Tuberville, covered himself in all the glory we’ve come to expect from the United States Senator who doesn’t know what the three branches of government are.
Speaking of the Senate, I see ol’ Jim Inhofe is stepping down in order spend more time posturing with precipitation. Normally, you’re happy to be rid of such a clown, but in a state as Trumpy as Oklahoma, your blood runs cold contemplating the walking wad of butt tumors they’re gonna dig up to replace him.
On that dark subject, the turd fencing competition that is the Ohio Republican Senate primary remains instructive, if terrifying. Vance and Mandel continue their weird, devolved asshole-off, as though the gig goes to whichever guy sounds most like a Proud Boy melting down in a Waffle House parking lot. Anyway, J.D. made a spectacular ass of himself, picking a petty, vulgar fight with retired General Barry McCaffrey, in search of the esteem of the creeps and jagoffs who find such things impressive, and I’m not ready to endorse or anything, but at first glance, Tim Ryan feels like a stronger choice.
I fear the Canadian trucker convoy finally arrived at its inevitable destination, in whichever corner of history’s trash heap contains the lottery tickets and wrestling magazines, as Justin Trudeau tyrannically refused to rewrite public health policy to suit the misconceptions of a handful of tantrum-throwing asshats.
Still, the insurrection-hungry mega-donors of ascendant American fascism are rolling out the astroturf for every braying nitwit who claims he can get a convoy going. So far, efforts have been good n’ laughable, but there’s certainly plenty of money lining up to finance a big budget sequel to the Capitol Riot, and I confess I don’t love that.
I see the Deposed Dotard is desperate to get into the golf business with the journalist-dismembering House of Saud, because of course he is. Y’know, I don’t anticipate a pivot to a Jimmy Carter-like post-presidency any time soon…maybe it’s just the well-earned ban from operating charities talking, but service doesn’t seem like Littlefinger’s “thing.”
And I guess a bunch of Wisconsin Republicans have worked up yet another harebrained scheme to “decertify” the 2020 election, and somehow reinstall their Hemorrhoid Emperor. I say go for it. While I thought we’d moved past this foolishness, god knows I’m always down to watch another wave of dipshits run face-first into this particular wall. Get those hopes allllllllll the way up, fuckheads.
So, you’ve probably noticed Mitch McConnell’s almost playful refusal to articulate any sort of party platform ahead of the midterms; he shrewdly understands there’s little to be gained in reminding the plebes that all he’ll ultimately do with the power they give him is cut their boss’ taxes, and anyway, the GOP’s disinformation-addicted base has little interest in policy specifics, or even in solutions generally, so long as they’re steadily fed engaging new excuses to fear and hate their neighbors.
Well, ghoulish plutocrat Rick Scott took it upon himself to fill in Mitch’s blanks. And the lil’ PowerPoint presentation he threw together…woooooooo. What can you call it but the nightmarish fantasy of a wannabe oligarch who views the American public primarily as livestock?
I’M SICK OF RETIREES LEECHING OFF THE REST OF US, hissed Rick, no doubt imagining coast-to-coast applause, PAY UP YA FILTHY TAKERS!
Hey, I don’t know who needs to hear this, other than, I dunno, a few million Floridians, but this conclusion you’ve reached, on three separate occasions no less, that “this fellow who committed Medicare fraud on a massive scale has my best interests at heart,” it’s, um, not a very astute conclusion. Just one man’s opinion.
Texas Governor Greg Abbott spun the Wheel of Hate, and when the needle landed on “transgender children and their parents,” he asked himself, “what would the Taliban do?” and then he did just that. I don’t know what to even say about these bastards anymore…all they’re interested in is hurting people.
Seriously. Even after all the public backlash, Florida Republicans advanced their truly disgusting Don’t Say Gay bill, which serves no function beyond harming LGBTQ children for the amusement of zealots. Like bullying should be a core function of the state. How conservative.
What perfect timing for the annual gathering of ruptured colon cysts known as CPAC. That roster, dear lord, it’s like a proctologists convention in a leper colony. Seriously, do a shot for every known sex criminal: Matt Gaetz (shot), Eric Greitens (shot), and of course, Wee Donnie One-Term himself (chug a Costco-sized plastic jug of the cheapest vodka you can find).
Beyond that, it’s all the usual morons, maniacs, and mediocrities, wallowing together in the intoxicating filth of their newly agreed upon intentional indecency. Ted Cruz pulling petulantly at Jen Psaki’s pigtails. Mike Pompeo’s doomed, charmless ploys for attention. That sort of thing.
And that sewage treatment plant/flume park mash-up is the party Tulsi Gabbard just HAD to crash, so everybody can spend the weekend snickering “let’s go Brandon” at one another. Whatever.
Naturally, Ron DeSantis was borne to the stage on a bier crafted from the bones of his victims, to boast about all the senseless death he’s caused. This is how Republicans CAMPAIGN, folks. Dueling Governors, bickering over who ignored science the hardest.
Competitive mass-murder…I mean, I guess it makes sense as the sort of psychotic domination ritual a death cult would adopt to select its leadership, but as a railroad-running proposition, it strikes me as unwise.
We keep hearing about how Ron-Ron’s “star is on the rise,” right as he’s installing this majestic quack as DeSantistan’s new surgeon general, which is some straight-up Harkonnen shit.
I dunno, I think I’ll stick with the guy we’ve got, who’s not only bringing steady, expert leadership to a global anti-war coalition, but rolling out a historic Supreme Court nomination at home, all while breaking in a new cat, which is no cakewalk, let me tell you.
Because when you come right down to it, it’s getting awfully tough to ignore the common thread running through so much of the Right’s agenda lately…from the Scott platform to the Abbott order to the Putin war…the cruelty is the point.
What a shitshow. I believe Kermit the Frog put it best, when he said, ”Yeesh.” Well, stay safe out there, my lovelies. Now more than ever. Dedicating this little rant, whatever it may be worth, to those absolute kings on Snake Island, who showed the world how it’s fuckin’ DONE.