Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Welcome to the Bouncy Castle Insurrection (Everything is Very Stupid)
Didja see where CNN hired George Orwell’s Force Ghost as an on-air contributor? You’d think he’d have tons of useful insight to offer, but he mostly just yells, “I fucking TOLD you! Why didn’t anyone fucking LISTEN?” and cries. Which, looking at the news, I totally get. Well, grab a tissue, and weep along with us, I suppose…
Almost strutting their ability to custom-warp their audience’s reality, the right-wing disinformation apparatus wildly misrepresented recent filings from the Durham investigation, wrapping ‘em up in buzzwords and second-hand stripper glitter, and proclaiming them to be incontrovertible proof (not even close) that Hillary Clinton spied on poor, innocent Donnie Dotard (she didn’t) and ate Seth Rich to cover it up, only after first de-aging him to infancy, of course (okay, that part’s basically true).
It’s all bullshit, of course, entirely fabricated, but hey, Fux needs to talk about something during all those hours they’re not covering Government Cheese Goebbels’ legal setbacks (more there in a minute), and who wants to wade through dense, boring ol’ fact checks when you can use a sparkly new falsehood as an excuse to call for your political opponents’ execution instead?
Larry Hogan, bless his heart, went on the Sunday shoz to playfully contemplate a run at the 2024 Republican presidential nomination, no doubt believing Dr. Strange can simply deposit him in an alternate dimension where there actually is “a pretty large lane of sane Republicans,” looking to reclaim their party, instead of the poo-flinging death cult that persists here in the real world.
Sorry, Larry, sign says No Residents of Objective Reality Need Apply. The current configuration of the Grand Old Party is looking for a few good liars, however, like Mesa County, Colorado clerk Tina Peters, the 2020 election truther under investigation for leaking election data to the foot soldiers of the Assclown Autogolpe, (among other crimes, incidentally) who announced her run for the office overseeing elections statewide.
See, the plan here is to use every tactic available (and choosy MAGA moms choose terror!) to chase decent people out of these crucial jobs, and replace them with Big Lie loyalists, because the rules are ultimately only what the refs say they are, and voters can’t reject your malfeasance if the vote counters work for you. It’s the Federalist Society model applied to election workers…with just a lil’ bit of the old ultraviolence thrown in…well, just a little for now.
In Texas, where Greg Abbott is a commie RINO cuck for only burning some of the books, just 13 out of a total of 143 Republican congressional candidates acknowledge the indisputable truth that Smilin’ Joe Biden beat their precious Turd Emperor like a dang drum in 2020. Healthy!
Plus, in the latest installment of Liz Cheney’s never-ending ceremonial excommunication, Minority Leader McCarthy actually endorsed her primary challenger, so eager is he to purge his caucus of dissenters with heretical beliefs like “lynch mobs are bad and ought not be encouraged,” and “the American people should be allowed to elect their own leaders.”
Then there’s Herschel Walker, gliding to the Georgia Senate nomination on Off-Brand Orbán‘s endorsement, despite new police records shining fresh light on his extremely disturbing history of mental health issues, and domestic abuse. Dunno about y’all, but right about now, I could really go for another lecture on civility from the crowd for whom a documented history of violent outbursts is somehow not disqualifying.
Shit, Walker’ll fit right in. He’d certainly get along with Ron Johnson, whose long battle with the forces of common sense and public health recently led him to platform “Dr.” Ben Marble, an animal dewormer-peddling quack with a wacky plan to assassinate our way out of the pandemic. Ben, gotta be honest with ya, kid…I feel like “first, do no harm” more or less rules out terrorist bombings, but what do I know, I’m not the one with the ear of a sitting U.S. Senator.
Fascism’s fervent financiers really want to make “trucker convoys” a regular thing, believing they’ve stumbled onto superior branding for the bloodthirsty mobs they hope to continue inciting (“Capitol Riot” hasn’t been doing super well with focus groups). Of course, there’re hardly any actual truckers remaining in the wad of sphincters clogging up downtown Ottawa, and don’t forget, actual Canadian truckers have repeatedly denounced these conspiracy-addled yahoos, but golly, LOOKIT THE BOUNCY CASTLES!
…they bet real heavy on the bouncy castle thing, have you noticed that? “Pay no attention to the weapons cache seized from the so-called protesters who were plotting to murder cops, or the wall of polling proving the public opposes this asshat brigade, or the white nationalist extremists speaking for the movement on Fux, this is about the pure, radiant wholesomeness of the noble bouncy castle, dammit!”
Well, though you failed to overthrow the tyrant Son of Fidel Castro, rest easy, scumbags, knowing there’s a massive insurrectionist fundraising network standing at the ready, eager to supply the next urban occupation with street fair paraphernalia and shoddy pillows and golly gee how’d those guns get in here must’ve been antifa hee hee hee.
Anyway, copycat convoys failed to materialize in time to disrupt the Super Bowl, calling into question Senator Paul’s ability to mobilize the masses with his uniquely punchable charm. Therefore, the resultant SEXUAL ANARCHY rests on your faithless heads, O Ye Who Heeded Not the Call of Rand. By the time you read this, discussion of the 2022 halftime show will be banned in public schools in at least 14 red states, and a petition to give the gig to Kid Rock next year will have over a million signatures. (Well, x’s anyway.) You can picture it, can’t you? Dancing girls with tiki torches? A big-ass, book-burning bonfire in each end zone? Nuremberg Bowl, bitches!
Hey, if you’ve got any yard work that needs doing, Sarah Palin’s defamation lawsuit against the New York Times got tossed, leaving the former Vice Presidential nominee one publicists’ bill away from standing on the side of the highway with a Will Grift 4 Food sign.
Competition’s actually pretty cutthroat in the high-stakes world of right-wing rube-bilking; there’s only so much money to go ‘round, and the long-term difficulties posed by peddling medical disinformation during a lethal pandemic should be obvious. Why, our former First Lady has been reduced to purchasing her own shitty, unwanted NFTs, the sort of desperate loser behavior that simply screams…Trump.
Even for the Michelangelo of Losing in Court, this was an unusually brutal week, a sort of judicial enema, administered by legal halberd. First, the Biden Administration, in blatant violation of Bro Code, ordered the release of Shart House visitor logs, then a court ruled that New York Attorney General Letitia James gets to interview the Deposed Dotard and his shitty spawn, under oath, and I know it’s just a fantasy that you could pepper him with questions about crowd size and his real net worth until you had enough perjury charges to airdrop him straight into Leavenworth, but a boy can dream, can’t he?
Oh, and then Littlefinger got his sorry grifter ass fired by his longtime accounting firm, who disavowed the veracity of their own work on his behalf, essentially confirming the James investigation’s allegations. Wow. When you get news like that, I bet it’d be real nice to have access to competent legal representation…heh.
So, in perhaps the Josh Hawliest thing ever, Josh Hawley started selling coffee mugs emblazoned with the image of his famous terrorist fist jab from last January 6th. Coffee mugs. Yeah, Josh, that’s just the sort of thing the discerning Proud Boy would display on his mantel, between the Precious Moments figurines and the Third Reich porcelain. Hawley’s gonna show up to the Reichstag Fire in a suede jacket he picked up at Rick Springfield’s last tour.
No Ukraine war yet, as I write this. Putin’s pandemic-time reinvention-as-conqueror project doesn’t seem to be going the way he’d like…shit, Vlad, if you’d settled for a sourdough starter like the rest of us, maybe NATO wouldn’t be bonding at Joe Biden’s sleepover right now. They’re gonna order pizza and stay up late watching Robocop; can you believe Olaf Scholz has never seen it? It’s gonna blow his fucking mind.
Okay, that’s what I’ve got for you tonight. Did I miss anything? Attempting a Twitter-free newsgathering process this week, in an effort to claw a few hours of my life back from all these damnable little screens. Let me know, don’t be shy…and stay safe out there, chums…